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Original poster

He has another child

138 replies

SadanddWorried · 02/02/2022 20:33

I’m really struggling with this and don’t feel like I can talk to anyone irl about it currently.
I recently found out my OH has another child. Child was conceived/born a few years before we were together, from what I gather he was actually distantly in this child’s life (how much I don’t know but I think very little, few times a year type thing) until he just totally turned his back on the situation. I think this was round about when we met. He’s denying paternity (of course) and is claiming he’ll get a DNA test, saying he always had doubts and that’s why he walked away. But, if I’m honest just looking at the child there is little doubt in my mind.
I feel like there’s no way our relationship can continue. This revelation has hit me like a bomb and I just can’t accept the situation and move forward. We have children together too, how on earth do I explain dad has another kid?! And if I was to welcome this child into our home as part of our family then it would be at the sacrifice of my happiness. I can’t do that long term. I know that’s selfish - really fucking selfish but I can’t help how I feel. In turn I can’t be in a relationship with a deadbeat dad who has another kid he doesn’t see, I feel like I don’t even know him anymore. But the bit that is killing me the most is I love him, I want to be with him and I want our family. It feels like a bad dream.

Please I desperately need some advice/support. I can hardly think straight with it, I’m mortified by the situation to tell anyone irl right now and beyond furious that he knew all about this, was part of it then started a family with me and kept it secret.

Also please, don’t turn this into a thread about what a bastard he is or how sad it is for that child. I know all this, my every waking moment has been engulfed in thinking about both these things. He’s the last person on this planet I’d have thought would have done anything like that. I feel like my whole world has been shaken upside down. These so much wisdom and good advice on here, so please pass some on to me. I really need it.

Thanks if you made it to the end

OP posts:

User2638483 · 03/02/2022 09:42

And I obviously can’t know until I’m in the situation but j can’t relate to how you feel you couldn’t tolerate the child being welcomed into your family. He/she could be your children’s half siblings. If it gets confirmed and that’s what the mum and the child want then why wouldn’t you facilitate that?

torenoornottoreno · 03/02/2022 09:48

Hmm tricky and I'm sorry you're going through this OP.

A few thoughts. Let's say that you DO divorce and the child IS your DH's. That child will STILL be part of your life now no matter what, because your children are completely tied. (assuming DNA test is positive).

So I think on the decision to leave your DH you need to take out the whole idea of becoming accustomed to the child. It may be the case the woman doesn't want your DH to be involved even if he is the dad.

I also would really watch the 'little doubt' based on looks. I have known people who look so similar to not actually be related and vice versa. My DH looks literally nothing like his siblings. They are all definitely related by same parents.

I think it's the lie that's the issue only and tbh, I can also see why he would lie. Doesn't make it acceptable though.

Original poster

SadanddWorried · 03/02/2022 09:56

Quite a few people mention my saying I couldn’t accept the child. I’m just being honest, I’m human not robot. I can’t chose my own emotions and it’s just how I feel. If this child was to come into our home I’d be bitter and angry, I’m not stupid to ignore those feeling could rub off and become noticeable. My children would grow up with an ultimately unhappy mother and who does that benefit? It’s very easy to say you’d do the “right thing” with emotions detached. Life is too short to live unhappily.
My predicament is my next steps as in honesty it would make me unhappy to split right now. I’ve never came out a serious relationship with children - I don’t know what it’s like and I’m scared. I’m so lost and the only thing I know for sure in this situation is my feeling on the matter.

OP posts:

Original poster

SadanddWorried · 03/02/2022 10:00

My parents divorced and they co-parented but their families stayed completely separate with the common link of the children. They didn’t see each other of speak, there was no need. I fully accept if we spilt and it is his child that child may then build a relationship with mine. But that would have nothing to do with me, I’d need to put what little trust I have in their father to deal with that

OP posts:

Greenfields124 · 03/02/2022 10:01

I would see if she would talk to me.
I wouldn't believe anything he said as he's a proven liar.
I couldn't be with someone like that.

litterbird · 03/02/2022 10:02

OP, I can feel the sadness, anger and complete desperation coming from you posts. I cant imagine what you are going through right now...all I can see is that you have quite rightly reacted with shock, anger, fury and deep, deep hurt of this betrayal. You want to protect your family and the happiness you had. As others have said you need professional emotional support to help untangle these awful feelings. Please dont make any rash decisions right now. Give yourself time to process. Personally I would insist he went to court to order a DNA to see where you stand first of all. Thne when the results come through make decisions then. If the child is his then difficult conversations will need to be had to how the child will be bought in to your family, if the child actually wants that. How is your husband reacting right now with your anger and upset? What is he doing to fix this or support this? Just breathe for a bit and step back to give yourself time to think.

Electricbug321 · 03/02/2022 10:04

I’m really struggling to understand your feelings towards his first child. Can you explain a bit more about why you think having them in your life would make you bitter and angry?

It seems like at the moment you have the options of;

Staying with him but neither of you being involved with the child, forcing you to keep a big secret that will cause resentment and potentially cause a lot of damage to your relationships with your own children when they inevitably find out the truth in the future.
break up with him, but this will make you unhappy because you love him and it would be very painful for your kids.
accept that he has this child and try to integrate them into your life in some way, which you say will make you bitter and angry.

3Daddy31982 · 03/02/2022 10:13

Her reluctance to test to me is huge red flag

MadgeMak · 03/02/2022 10:14

@SadanddWorried

Quite a few people mention my saying I couldn’t accept the child. I’m just being honest, I’m human not robot. I can’t chose my own emotions and it’s just how I feel. If this child was to come into our home I’d be bitter and angry, I’m not stupid to ignore those feeling could rub off and become noticeable. My children would grow up with an ultimately unhappy mother and who does that benefit? It’s very easy to say you’d do the “right thing” with emotions detached. Life is too short to live unhappily. My predicament is my next steps as in honesty it would make me unhappy to split right now. I’ve never came out a serious relationship with children - I don’t know what it’s like and I’m scared. I’m so lost and the only thing I know for sure in this situation is my feeling on the matter.

Who would you feel bitter and angry at? The child? His mother? It's not their fault you're in this situation, is it? Whose fault is it?

You seem to be of the mind that the only options going forward is to continue the status quo whereby your husband ignores this child, or to leave him (which you don't want to do). In my mind the options are to either stay with this man under the condition that he acknowledges and starts to parent this child, or leave him. Yes you are only human and have emotions, it's ok to have these emotions, but how you deal with these emotions is your responsibility. If you're not able to parent your children alongside accepting this child into your life then your only choice is option 2. It's ok to accept that option 2 is the right choice for you if you don't feel able to do option 1, but my opinion is that it's would be wrong for your husband to continue to deny this child (both for the child in question and your own children who are his siblings).

GalaxyOnOrionsBelt · 03/02/2022 10:15

Sorry op, I wasn't meaning to minimise your feelings, I also think I'd feel the same, but I think you need to look at the alternatives. I'm not sure that for me, the alternatives would be better. Splitting up, sharing the kids, meeting other people, I'm just not sure that would be less bad.

It's a horrible situation op, I am sorry.

Karatema · 03/02/2022 10:17

My DBiL's ex had a child not long after they split! The child looked the spitting image of DBiL. He was adamant the child couldn't be his, everyone thought it was including her DP. The DNA test proved it wasn't. You cannot be sure until the DNA test proves otherwise.

Gusthemouse · 03/02/2022 10:20

I feel like I could be the other woman in this situation. My fiance walked a few weeks before our wedding, we had offered on a new family home, and I was 16 weeks pregnant.... had lived together /engaged for years, he wanted a family, and pushed for a wedding etc. Then he vanished.... he got a family member to tell me it was over and I've not heard from him since. No support, no interest in the baby, no idea where we are living etc. On paper he was the perfect contender for a wonderful father and I thought we were genuinely happy.... we have both been wiped from existence so I imagine in a few years he will marry and start a new family.... and we will be relegated as the 'dirty secret'. It hurts, it makes no sense, I have no answers for myself or my child, and have been left to pick up all of the pieces. I'm not sure why I'm posting this, I guess there are always two sides to a story and I'd always question his actions and how truthful he has been. It showed me a side to him I never thought possible, and that our whole life was a lie. I probably sound very bitter and I apologise for that, I guess just look after you and try to find out the circumstances as to what happened at the time so you can make an informed decision rather than relying purely on his version of events x

ManonCrochan · 03/02/2022 10:21

If DH dosnt think the child is his, and the mum is refusing a DNA, there's not much point in persuing. Hopefully when the DC is older, in a few years, they can reach out and do a DNA as old enough to consent for themselves?

Sad but it's really the DM who is is blame.

Dsisproblem · 03/02/2022 10:23

I'm so sorry OP. I think you need to give yourself time to come to terms with this. Your feelings may change.

I think if this were me, I'd want him to push for a DNA test, and if positive to have a relationship with the child. That doesn't mean you have to parent another child. You can be as involved or not as you wish.

User2638483 · 03/02/2022 10:24

@ManonCrochan

Sad but it's really the DM who is is blame.

If he’s telling the truth that it’s the mum who has blocked dna test…

Dsisproblem · 03/02/2022 10:24

@Gusthemouse that's dreadful. I hope you are ok.

Yes, definitely worth taking everything the OP's husband is saying with a pinch of salt

altmember · 03/02/2022 10:34

I don't see the problem really, it was all well before you met. He was basically just a sperm donor - they weren't in a relationship, he clearly didn't want a child with her, and it sounds like she's prevented him from being an actively involved father anyway.

Perhaps he should have told you about it. But if everything else in your relationship is good, and he's being a good father to your kids, whole issue seems pretty trivial.

villamariavintrapp · 03/02/2022 10:39

I don't think it's trivial. If I found out that my husband had a child he'd never bothered with, and didn't contribute to, I'd lose all respect for him and see him totally differently, and not as someone I'd want to be with regardless of how he currently treated our own children.

MrsGHarrison87 · 03/02/2022 10:46

Sounds like my eldest child's father. His partner was told through Facebook by various people that he had a child with me and she chose to ignore. I'm not sure how she got past that and was able to continue with him. I certainly could not. If the child's preteen it's unlikely they're going to start forging a relationship now. I can see how a young guy early 20s might freak out about a baby but if he feels no guilt or curiosity about the child at all, then that's not good.

Rangoon · 03/02/2022 10:50

But isn't it odd that she has never pursued him for child support. The fact that she wouldn't agree to a DNA test ia suspicious. Yes the child may look like your husband but who knows the mother may have a liking for his type eg blue eyed redheads or whatever.

moanymyrtle · 03/02/2022 10:53

I think counselling is a good idea to also explore how your children would feel. A close friend found out had sibling when adult and went through much of same feelings you have. Mainly because of deceit by parents. The siblings have built a relationship as adults but it’s awkward with parents. I would want to know truth as I wouldn’t be willing to conceal a half sibling from my own children only for a bombshell to go off later and for them to feel i’d lied to them all their lives.
You also need to ask yourself whether he would stay in your childrens lives if you separated. Don’t assume he would be as hands on a parent as he is now. I’m not just saying that because he’s done it before many men drop largely out of their dc lives as an active parent especially when they move onto a new relationship.

ChickenStripper · 03/02/2022 10:54

I know that are being deliberately vague about details here but if it were me I would need to have proof that this is his child - surely he wants that as well? Your issues are morally - he doesn't know though either, does he? Like many a young man if he wasn't pursued then he was maybe thinking the child wasn't his. If she wouldn't allow a DNA test then what was he to think. Until you know for definite you are giving yourself a lot of grief over nothing. Should he have said to you - Oh I was accused once of fathering a child but she wouldn't let me do a DNA test? Maybe but that didn't happen.

Sally872 · 03/02/2022 10:55

I think what we would all do hypothetically is different to what we might do if in the situation especially if early 20s and perhaps a bit selfish.

I can understand an accidental pregnancy where mum won't give dna and other possible father's it might be tempting to pretend it isn't happening especially if not ready for children.

It is your decision if you can live with this mistake (ie the lying being the mistake not the child). I think counselling sounds sensible.

Pl242 · 03/02/2022 10:56

I wonder if the feelings of anger/resentment you are feeling towards the child OP is just displaced anger from that you have towards your DH? You’re imagining the child in your family and that making you unhappy as you wouldn’t be able ignore the situation. A situation of your DH’s creation.

It’s very understandable to feel like that. You’re in shock. You don’t want to believe any of this. So easier to give your DH benefit of doubt and project your negative feelings onto the child.

I don’t think you’re going to be able to see anything clearly until you process this shock. So give yourself time and space.

stillsleeptraining · 03/02/2022 10:56

@Gusthemouse I'm so sorry that happened to you. Unbelievable. I also hope you're ok now.

That happened to a colleague of mine. Lovely, lovely woman who everyone loved. She didn't really want kids but her fiancé pushed her into getting pregnant and then vanished at 8 months pregnant when she was really ill. I don't know what's wrong with these men.

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