He has another child

[SadanddWorried]

I’m really struggling with this and don’t feel like I can talk to anyone irl about it currently.
I recently found out my OH has another child. Child was conceived/born a few years before we were together, from what I gather he was actually distantly in this child’s life (how much I don’t know but I think very little, few times a year type thing) until he just totally turned his back on the situation. I think this was round about when we met. He’s denying paternity (of course) and is claiming he’ll get a DNA test, saying he always had doubts and that’s why he walked away. But, if I’m honest just looking at the child there is little doubt in my mind.
I feel like there’s no way our relationship can continue. This revelation has hit me like a bomb and I just can’t accept the situation and move forward. We have children together too, how on earth do I explain dad has another kid?! And if I was to welcome this child into our home as part of our family then it would be at the sacrifice of my happiness. I can’t do that long term. I know that’s selfish - really fucking selfish but I can’t help how I feel. In turn I can’t be in a relationship with a deadbeat dad who has another kid he doesn’t see, I feel like I don’t even know him anymore. But the bit that is killing me the most is I love him, I want to be with him and I want our family. It feels like a bad dream.

Please I desperately need some advice/support. I can hardly think straight with it, I’m mortified by the situation to tell anyone irl right now and beyond furious that he knew all about this, was part of it then started a family with me and kept it secret.

Also please, don’t turn this into a thread about what a bastard he is or how sad it is for that child. I know all this, my every waking moment has been engulfed in thinking about both these things. He’s the last person on this planet I’d have thought would have done anything like that. I feel like my whole world has been shaken upside down. These so much wisdom and good advice on here, so please pass some on to me. I really need it.

Thanks if you made it to the end

@SadanddWorried

I think a DNA test and possibly some counselling are the next steps. For those asking how he’s acting, above all else he’s just dead set certain that it’s not his child. I’ve no idea what the timeline of obtaining an dna through the courts is? So I don’t really know how long I’ve got to gather my thoughts and decide what to do with either possible results.

Just a thought.... I assume your partner is working, in which case isn't it a little odd no child support was requested?

Also it's not really your business if he gets DNA or not. You may just have to decide if you want to be involved and take it or leave it. There is an argument that if he doesn't think it's his child and she is not claiming maintenance, maybe its not his child.

This is a horrible situation OP, and I definitely agree that getting individual counselling is a good first step for you.

I know, deep down, that I wouldn't be a good step parent. So I wouldn't date or marry a man with children. To have that potentially forced on you because your DH has been thoroughly dishonest is appalling imo.

As well as your own feelings on a step-child to consider, there are your own biological children too. On the one hand, adding a half-sibling in to the mix would make life complicated now. But if you don't tell them and they find out later they may well feel as angry and hurt at you as you currently to at DH.

It is all very well and good posters saying to get a DNA test and deal with the fallout once you know for sure, but in reality as soon as you request a test you are opening a can of worms - you have no idea how the child's mother will react to the request. I think you need to think through the possibilities (with support of a professional) before you make any decisions at all.

Finally, the fact that the mother refused a DNA test and doesn't claim
maintenance may mean that the paternity is in doubt or that she knows the child isn't DH's. But it could also mean that she would rather be a lone parent and solely financially responsible than have to deal with attempting to co-parent with a deadbeat dad.

@SadanddWorried my ex was adamant child wasn't his but the similarity was astounding. I think ex was hiding from the truth, like when toddlers hide their eyes and say, 'you can't see me'. I forced the DNA test so he would admit what he knew, deep down. (The mum had been initially trying to pass the child off as somebody else's, hence her reluctance, btw.) You have bared your soul on here and had some really good advice and the usual judgy comments from the moralisers. Just remember, the people on here who are screaming, 'poor child, you heartless woman' are the same ones on MN who believe their husbands never cheat; never look at other women; and definitely NEVER use porn as they respect women too much! Stay strong and I'm sending you hugs and good vibes.

All these people quick to say the dbd (deadbeat dad) has to start parenting and paying matinence seem to forget the mother in this circumstance.

Op found out by accident, its not the mother or child that has got in contact. Its all well and good saying first step has to be DNA test but if after more than a decade DBD turned up and started demanding tests and visiting rights I'd tell them to fuck off. The mother for whatever reason hasn't pursued DBD, and it seems unlikely that he has parental responsibility by being on the birth certificate.

Op, you could be in this weird limbo, always waiting for the knock on the door. It's shit every way.

@GalaxyOnOrionsBelt

All these people quick to say the dbd (deadbeat dad) has to start parenting and paying matinence seem to forget the mother in this circumstance.

Op found out by accident, its not the mother or child that has got in contact. Its all well and good saying first step has to be DNA test but if after more than a decade DBD turned up and started demanding tests and visiting rights I'd tell them to fuck off. The mother for whatever reason hasn't pursued DBD, and it seems unlikely that he has parental responsibility by being on the birth certificate.

Op, you could be in this weird limbo, always waiting for the knock on the door. It's shit every way.

Erm probably because it’s not up to the mum to force someone to be a dad? You can’t force someone to be a dad? What to you think she should have done? you can’t take someone to court and make them be a parent, you can only take someone to court if they are preventing you

Erm RedCandy and some might be more than happy with the arrangement and the kid, now a teen, might not want to get to know a strange adult male.

There are lots of mums on here that by choice have nothing to do with the DBD, because let's face it, if they suddenly made contact demanding a DNA test you wouldn't start a nomination for Dad of the year.

To be clear I didn't expect the mother to do anything, the only one at fault here is the DBD. I feel terribly sorry for OP who has had the foundations of their reality blown apart. Whilst it is not for the OP to feel sorry, I also feel sorry for the mother and child and can imagine how I'd feel after a decade if someone came in demanding a DNA.

As others have said I would not rely on looks, I look more like my step dad than either my biological dad or my mum

I’m so sorry you find yourself in this situation.

There’s so much to unravel. You know now, it’s out there. I would be the same and wouldn’t be able to welcome another child into my family, however heartless that may sound I’m speaking honestly.

If you split, what would you tell the children? There is a real possibility that they will find out even if you separate, you could decide not to be honest but should the child involved choose to look for you DH in the future will they find out at that stage?

A bomb has been thrown into your life and you will be in shock, take some time and please speak to a counsellor x

Op I can give you perspective from the other side of this dilemma.

I had DS early twenties as the result of a very short relationship. I didn’t really like his father and we were in no way compatible, but it was a fun fling.

When I found out I was pregnant he was at first very willing to be involved, but he was young and in college and I could tell from our conversations that he was really terrified and not ready to be a parent. I on the other hand had medical problems at an early age and had been told I may never be able to have children, so I was ecstatic to become a mum and looking forward to it.

When the time came and DS was born his father kept making excuses for why he couldn’t get to the hospital or to my house. The truth is he wasn’t ready.

It’s my opinion that in getting pregnant I had a choice to continue and become a parent, or take the alternative option and abort. I chose to be a parent. I felt that the father had the exact same right to make a choice too, and told him this several times.

Since DS was born he has never met his father. We still live in the same town, and I know of him through mutual friends. He finished college as planned, in the intervening 14 years he has also got engaged and had two children. He has never got in touch to meet ds, and I will never force contact either.

As far as I’m concerned, a dad who has to be forced to have contact is going to make a pretty shit dad.

Ds has asked about his father in the past, I have never been spiteful and have always explained that being a parent is tough and his father just wasn’t ready. I have told him that when he is 18 I will give him his dad’s name and if he wants to get in touch to see if they can forge a relationship as friends rather than parent and child, he can do so.

For many years DS has seemed interested in this, but as he gets older he tends to say why would I bother to contact him when he hasn’t bothered with me?

From my perspective, there is no resentment to the father as I am happy with my lot with DS. I also have no resentment or negative feelings toward his partner, or the younger children that he does look after.

Sometimes in life we have to make difficult choices, and I actually respect him for walking away from DS cleanly rather than being a shitty disinterested parent claiming to be “forced” into it.

Not sure if that helps you or not, just a different perspective on your position.

I completely get it Op. I will never be a step mum. I don't want to be. I avoided men with children consciously I will never enter into a blended family.

DH and your children can have a relationship with the child outside of you and that's great. But none of this is your doing or your responsibility.
I think you're being amazingly clear headed considering the nuke that just been dropped on you.

I think couple's counselling can help rebuild the trust between you but I would suggest trying on top of that family counselling too for the whole situation.

Such a shock for you
But you have made a life with him and have children
You are with someone for better or for worse. This is one of the worse. There maybe others along the way. Illness or more.
You both need to work through this together, as a team