Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He has another child

138 replies

SadanddWorried · 02/02/2022 20:33

I’m really struggling with this and don’t feel like I can talk to anyone irl about it currently.
I recently found out my OH has another child. Child was conceived/born a few years before we were together, from what I gather he was actually distantly in this child’s life (how much I don’t know but I think very little, few times a year type thing) until he just totally turned his back on the situation. I think this was round about when we met. He’s denying paternity (of course) and is claiming he’ll get a DNA test, saying he always had doubts and that’s why he walked away. But, if I’m honest just looking at the child there is little doubt in my mind.
I feel like there’s no way our relationship can continue. This revelation has hit me like a bomb and I just can’t accept the situation and move forward. We have children together too, how on earth do I explain dad has another kid?! And if I was to welcome this child into our home as part of our family then it would be at the sacrifice of my happiness. I can’t do that long term. I know that’s selfish - really fucking selfish but I can’t help how I feel. In turn I can’t be in a relationship with a deadbeat dad who has another kid he doesn’t see, I feel like I don’t even know him anymore. But the bit that is killing me the most is I love him, I want to be with him and I want our family. It feels like a bad dream.

Please I desperately need some advice/support. I can hardly think straight with it, I’m mortified by the situation to tell anyone irl right now and beyond furious that he knew all about this, was part of it then started a family with me and kept it secret.

Also please, don’t turn this into a thread about what a bastard he is or how sad it is for that child. I know all this, my every waking moment has been engulfed in thinking about both these things. He’s the last person on this planet I’d have thought would have done anything like that. I feel like my whole world has been shaken upside down. These so much wisdom and good advice on here, so please pass some on to me. I really need it.

Thanks if you made it to the end

OP posts:
Bookaholic73 · 02/02/2022 21:44

I personally couldn’t stay with a man, no matter how great a father & husband he was, who had been lying/keeping a huge secret for the duration of our entire relationship.

It would be the lying/secrecy that I’d have issue with, not necessarily the child (although that would be a close second).

TallulahHula · 02/02/2022 21:50

Perhaps he has convinced himself it's not his child and that's how he's justified not telling you. Morally it's wrong, if there's a chance he could be then he should have taken steps to find out for sure. But it sounds like he's buying his head to be honest.

whynotwhatknot · 02/02/2022 21:54

So he didnt tell you you found out and he confessed

do you think he was ever going to to tell you

Staryflight445 · 02/02/2022 22:00

Oh gosh no. I couldn’t be with my husband if this ever came about.
I’m sorry you’re having to go through this op, absolutely awful.

beccahamlet · 02/02/2022 22:05

You seem really torn OP. On the one hand you hate the fact that he may have turned his back on the child. On the other hand it seems like you'd struggle to acknowledge him. Could you find it in your heart to accept the child in your life? It would be better for your children to know about it sooner rather than later. My best wishes to you.

Philly1234 · 02/02/2022 22:13

Op I’m trying to understand things from your DH’s perspective.

What he done is without doubt incredibly questionable on lots of levels.

It’s like he’s been living in this huge state of denial for all these years. Was he very young when the child was born?? presumably living with this secret must have been a huge weight for him? I think a counsellor is the only way forward. I’d need to see some genuine remorse, firstly for his denial of this child, failure to support this child (and not just financially, that’s the absolute bare minimum right?) and also for lying to you.

With the help of a counsellor you might be able to text a place where you’re able to understand why he’s done what he’s done.

But you will then have the longer term complexities around potential contact with this child at some point.

I really feel for you op.

SnowWhitesSM · 02/02/2022 22:16

Tbf to OPS dh, he wanted a dna test and was refused one. What else was he meant to do? Pay and support a child that may not have been his after shagging the mum a couple of times. I don't mean to be crude but really, what else could he have done?

SunflowerTed · 02/02/2022 22:21

I feel sorry for the child.

Cheekypeach · 02/02/2022 22:27

@SunflowerTed

I feel sorry for the child.
Thanks for that, OP is also a victim so please show a bit of human warmth and decency.

OP, how shocking for you. You must have all sorts going through your mind. I would ask him to leave for a bit - a few weeks at least - so you can gather your thoughts without him trying to talk you round. The only real outcomes are:

  1. You carry on as you are, as a couple, and he continues to ignore his oldest child
  2. You break up and he may or may not see the child
  3. You stay together and he is involved in the child’s life
It’s really up to you which scenario you feel you can live with. All the best.
Crunched · 02/02/2022 23:06

Did/do his parents/siblings know about the possibility of a child? Maybe, if you are close to them, you could hear the reality of his emotions around the time of the babies birth. It sounds like he may have been pushed away by the mother and, being immature found it easier to try and put the situation to the back of his mind.
I would not end my marriage without knowing more.
With regard to how your joint DC will react to the news of a previously unknown half sibling, I know of two families where this has happened when the DC are adults and in each case the DC have become friends.

Pl242 · 02/02/2022 23:07

Sorry OP. This sounds very tough. If I was in your shoes, I would be having these thoughts:

  1. He was prepared to abandon a child who was potentially his. Even if the mother was making a paternity test difficult, even if there were other potential fathers on scene. He was prepared to walk away. From a child. I would find that difficult to accept from anyone, let alone the father of my own children. I’d really want to hear his take on those facts.
  2. He kept this from you. Even as your relationship evolved to commitment and children of you own, he didn’t tell you this truth. This shows a massive disregard for you and your children together. I would find this incredibly hard to forgive, particularly as
  3. You only know because you find out. Not because he told you. Would he ever have told you? How can you trust him given that?

Don’t jump to considerations about if you could accept this child into your family etc. that’s not your responsibility, it’s his. (Yes, obviously we can all feel for the child, but this child is NOT OP’s responsibility).

You need to be clear how utterly shocked and heartbroken you are of being deceived by the one person you thought you could trust. If he wants to try and win your trust back, he will try. You can decide in time whether you are open to that. If he doesn’t want to fight for you and your family he won’t (been there myself). If that’s the case you will be better off without, however heartbroken you feel now.

To me this is primarily about trust and respect in your relationship with your DH. Practical issues around whether this child is your husband’s and if so how said child relates to your family unit, are secondary issues that follow that resolution.

Good luck.

DreamTheMoors · 02/02/2022 23:09

My EX-husband left his first wife when she was pregnant because he didn’t want children. He swore up & down she got pregnant “on purpose,” completely overlooking that it takes two.
Whether she “tried” to get pregnant or not, I’ve no idea, but that little girl was precious, and I adored her — however, any opportunities to see her were of my making. Ex ignored almost her very existence and it was just plain cruel in my eyes.
Some men, I guess, are just awful, and I’m sorry, @SadanddWorried. I think it would be easier to explain another child to your children when they’re younger than if one just suddenly turned up on my doorstep at the age of 18. We do have lives before our children are born, after all.
This isn’t fair to you whatsoever, but it’s the hand you’ve been dealt, sadly. I wish you the wisdom and the love of the ancients. ❤️

dipdye · 02/02/2022 23:12

Why has the mother never pursued child benefit? Seems very odd. Or deos he contribute in the side, as it were?

Fwiw my brother had another child when he was younger. He's now married, with two other children. His wife knows nothing about the other child. He never told her, and managed to keep the payments a secret.

dipdye · 02/02/2022 23:13

Contribute on the side, that should read

Feelingoktoday · 02/02/2022 23:28

I would imagine this is very common. We don’t know if the mother used the H as a sperm donor. Infact we know nothing. Why would a man, after a few casual dates, contribute to a child if he doesn’t believe it is his? Your H in an ideal world should have told you about the baby. However I can see why he didn’t. He didn’t know the child.

Dillydollydingdong · 02/02/2022 23:29

So he had a child with another woman before he met you. That's life. Where he went wrong was by keeping it a secret. I'm not sure why your whole life has to fall apart though. It's not as though he was unfaithful to you. . If it was me I'd want to accept the child, tell my own DC about it and maybe even accept it as family? What does your dh want to do? What about the mother?

whynotwhatknot · 02/02/2022 23:30

your brother is a twat

Maze76 · 02/02/2022 23:51

I think the responsibility of informing your children of their sibling (once confirmed) lies solely with your DH.

Daleksatemyshed · 03/02/2022 05:57

I understand this is a shock Op, he loves your DC so why not this one? Trouble is you're assuming a lot, it may not be his child, the DM may not want him involved, maybe she just wanted the child but not the DF. Unless he's willing to take her to court to force a DNA test this can't really go anywhere.

bembridge11 · 03/02/2022 06:09

When you choose to be with someone it is for better or for worse - so give him the benefit of the doubt, stand by him and support him. If he thought he wasnt the dad turning his back may be more understandable. Find out all the facts.
Give it time - you all need to process this and work through it. But you should be a team and face this together xx

helterskelter3 · 03/02/2022 06:14

I can really see how this has happened from your husband’s point of view to be honest and whilst it’s extremely shocking for you it seems it isn’t a simple cut and dried walking-away-from-his-child.

They have both been clearly ok with this situation and living in a state of “maybe.” He should have told you about his potential child but I can see how things drift and neither of them are sure so… It’s also easy to say looking at the child there’s “no doubt in your mind” that they’re his but that’s still guesswork really. I know I would find it hard, but objectively, it isn’t directly something that is your problem to fix as it maybe isn’t a problem for them?

It’s also very easy to feel sorry for the child without knowing much about the circumstances. That child may be in a perfectly stable and happy home with a big extended family. Dad not on the scene but that’s not rare… My advice would not to do anything catastrophic until you get over the shock.

timeisnotaline · 03/02/2022 06:29

He might have been young then but he’s since had children with you. I don’t think I could see him parent our children and not think he has another one and he hasn’t ever done this for them - how is that not a huge hole in a parents heart? I couldn’t understand.

BananaBlue · 03/02/2022 06:39

I’m sorry OP Flowers

I can also see how it happened but
personally, I know that even if I stayed my relationship would be dead and never the same again as the lie would be just too monumental for me to get over.

For me, I’d be questioning how he could lie for so long and what else has he been lying about or considering he has lied so deeply, what could he lie about in the future.

You must feel utterly betrayed 😢

Counselling would be my first step.

What has his reaction been? Because what would have an effect on how I feel too.

Manonymous · 03/02/2022 07:01

If he is named on the birth certificate as the father then he doesn't need the mother's permission to do a DNA test. I guess he could visit and collect hair samples or whatever is required for the test.

If she claims maintenance then the CMS will order a DNA test. He will have to pay but it's refunded if he's not the father: www.gov.uk/get-a-dna-test/if-the-child-maintenance-service-orders-you-to-get-a-test

Or he can apply to the courts for a declaration of parentage: www.gov.uk/get-a-dna-test/if-someone-refuses-a-dna-test

Itsnotdeep · 03/02/2022 07:11

I'm sorry you're going through this OP.

I do think your children need to know, sooner rather than later. I found out about my half sister when I was a young teen when she walked up to me on the street! I don't recommend that.

And yes, it takes a special sort of man to walk away from a baby.