He has another child

[SadanddWorried]

I’m really struggling with this and don’t feel like I can talk to anyone irl about it currently.
I recently found out my OH has another child. Child was conceived/born a few years before we were together, from what I gather he was actually distantly in this child’s life (how much I don’t know but I think very little, few times a year type thing) until he just totally turned his back on the situation. I think this was round about when we met. He’s denying paternity (of course) and is claiming he’ll get a DNA test, saying he always had doubts and that’s why he walked away. But, if I’m honest just looking at the child there is little doubt in my mind.
I feel like there’s no way our relationship can continue. This revelation has hit me like a bomb and I just can’t accept the situation and move forward. We have children together too, how on earth do I explain dad has another kid?! And if I was to welcome this child into our home as part of our family then it would be at the sacrifice of my happiness. I can’t do that long term. I know that’s selfish - really fucking selfish but I can’t help how I feel. In turn I can’t be in a relationship with a deadbeat dad who has another kid he doesn’t see, I feel like I don’t even know him anymore. But the bit that is killing me the most is I love him, I want to be with him and I want our family. It feels like a bad dream.

Please I desperately need some advice/support. I can hardly think straight with it, I’m mortified by the situation to tell anyone irl right now and beyond furious that he knew all about this, was part of it then started a family with me and kept it secret.

Also please, don’t turn this into a thread about what a bastard he is or how sad it is for that child. I know all this, my every waking moment has been engulfed in thinking about both these things. He’s the last person on this planet I’d have thought would have done anything like that. I feel like my whole world has been shaken upside down. These so much wisdom and good advice on here, so please pass some on to me. I really need it.

Thanks if you made it to the end

I can't empathise with your anger towards the child. My heart breaks for them. Your kids get a great dad, but there's another kid out there who's never met theirs (pretty much) and might be living in poverty because of a lack of maintenance?

Bit surprised so many are taking this man's word as gospel. He "says" it's was a casual relationship, he "says" she was sleeping with other men, he "says" she wouldn't allow a dna test or contact. He's panicking, arse covering and saying anything he can think of to calm OP down. Maybe there's some truth in what he says, maybe it's a pack of lies. OP needs to get the facts before making any decisions.

[quote stillsleeptraining]@Gusthemouse I'm so sorry that happened to you. Unbelievable. I also hope you're ok now.

That happened to a colleague of mine. Lovely, lovely woman who everyone loved. She didn't really want kids but her fiancé pushed her into getting pregnant and then vanished at 8 months pregnant when she was really ill. I don't know what's wrong with these men.[/quote]
That's quite a different situation, assuming the OP's husband is telling the truth.

I know lad who got a girl pregnant during a holiday fling when he was quite young. She went home and tried to keep it a secret from him, he didn't know anything about it until he was contacted by CMS for maintenance. He's only on a low wage, but always paid the maintenance. But he's never managed to have any meaningful contact with the child due to the huge distances involved and the mother making it impossible. It's arguably better for the child to have zero contact with a distant parent than a couple of hours a year.

Yes, the pregnancy is half his fault, but the situation certainly isn't. And it doesn't mean he won't be a doting father to future children.

It seems from your posts that you are reacting to this child as if it was some sort of another woman in your H’s life.
And your mind is making up some very dark scenarios that put you in deeper places still.
Your H and the mother of that child clearly made peace with status quo and no one other than you is trying to make an issue out of it now.

I was about 16 when a half brother I knew nothing about found me. I met him at some point a bit later. We compared notes about our father, about who knew what when, etc.
It was NOT some sort of big dramatic event you are imagining for your children one day, if it even happens.
As we have not grown up together - I don’t have much of a bond/relationship with my half brother. There is no drama.
So - your living with some fear of a knock on a door is very OTT. By the time the kid may get in touch (electronically most likely) - your kids would be big enough to be able to understand that adults may have complicated lives and form their own opinions.

You H of course should have told you back in the day about this. But I can also understand that being early 20s he wasn’t mature to deal with the situation. And the fact that the woman refused DNA test and didn’t ask for child support is quite telling.

Personally - I’d not blow up my family unit over it. He has grown up and matured, and if he has been a good husband and father to your kids - it should count for a lot.
I would tell him I were disappointed in him, and had a real and open conversation about it.

But your massive reaction to this is clearly bringing up some past traumas or issues. I’d definitely try to speak to someone to get help.

If you really can’t help needing to know - reach out to the mother of the child. See what her side of the story is.
But I really don’t know what you’d be looking to achieve.
She clearly doesn’t want your H in her or her kids life. She didn’t ask for money and isn’t bothered to find out who the father is. She made a choice back in the day to have the baby on those terms and it’s her decision to live the way she does.
That child isn’t coming over to your life to destroy it - as you seem to be imagining.

I’m really surprised by all the supportive comments for the dh on here! MN is usually really against dead beat dads but here is a man that has abandoned a child had nothing to do with them kept it from the op and people can understand because he was “only” early 20s?! That’s old enough to know right from wrong, if he had doubts the child was his he could have taken her to court and they would have ordered a dna test but we only have his word for it and it doesn’t sound like he’s very good with the truth does it?! I have 4 children with my ex, he doesn’t see them at all and actually once told me he doesn’t tell anyone he has kids, if they found out I’m sure he would make up some lie about me stopping him (which isn’t true at all) but of course he is trying to protect himself from looking bad. I don’t claim maintenance either that doesn’t mean he is not the dad. Op only has his word for it that she wouldn’t allow a dna test. Surprised so many are blindly believing this guy, I think absent dead beat dads are far more common.

I disagree with a lot of the unsupportive comments for the man. If a woman decided on termination or adoption for an unwanted pregnancy/baby then a future partner found out years later and was difficult there would be sympathy for the woman. Is there a requirement to tell partners about your past always. Nobody knows whether OPs partner is lying about the situation or not so I think he should be given the benefit of the doubt.

@Gusthemouse
I’m sorry to read that, it’s truly awful.

Just to clarify a few things;
I’m not angry at the child, that would be like their mother being angry at my DC. I am 100% angry at DH. I’m angry he was involved in this child’s life but didn’t say a word to me and started our family.
People often say on here about step children to picking up on the step parents negative feelings toward them. I think this would be the case in this situation and that’s not fair on anyone. I’d love to be a big enough person to be fine with this but I’m not. If he knew nothing of the child then just found out then fair enough but it’s not like that.

Also, I’m completely not taking everything he says to be gospel. Everything is taking with a massive pinch of salt and I get there’s two sides to every story.

I think a DNA test and possibly some counselling are the next steps. For those asking how he’s acting, above all else he’s just dead set certain that it’s not his child. I’ve no idea what the timeline of obtaining an dna through the courts is? So I don’t really know how long I’ve got to gather my thoughts and decide what to do with either possible results.

OP, I agree with @Luredbyapomegranate

Take a deep breath and establish the facts with your DH first.. you’ve already said he’s a good dad to your DC so why unsettle their lives for what was likely a mistake in your DH youth. I suspect he’s not sure of the paternity?, buried his head in the sand?, perhaps didn’t want to ruin his chance of having a life with you? and you know nothing about what this woman is like - she could be a nightmare to deal with or have told him she didn’t want him involved. Does this child even think you DH is their father ?
Talk it through and make a plan together about what to do - if anything at all. I think it’s the lack of truth that is the upset for you and you need a respectful explanation from your DH to move on but don’t let this mess things up for your own family. The reality is that men can feel very differently about children they father depending on the relationship at the time and circumstances- it’s not nice but it’s true. It’s not going to be that unusual for children to grow up knowing they have a half sib that they have never met, that happens in many families and yes they might want to make contact at some point and you’ll deal with it. Work it through xx

OP, you need to talk to him and if possible arrange a DNA test, the child might not be his, the similarity in looks might just mean the mother has a type, so I would hold of alling him a deadbeat dad until this is confirmed.

If his was the father, why do you think the child’s mother has never made a claim for child support? Maybe she is in a relationship and her DH doesn’t want another man involved in ‘his’ child’s life.

As long as your DH treats you and your children with love and respect, give him the benefit of not second guessing his motives from withholding this information, speak to him about it.

I agree first step is a DNA test.

Do you think you could get past the lies and deceit if the child wasn't his?

I'd be the opposite I think. I'd be dead set on making sure the siblings had a relationship but I couldn't forgive the lies.

Sorry op this sounds so difficult for you. I want to commend your honesty in this, it's tough to come out and say you would feel unhappy around the other child, but it's really important you are honest with yourself. Your feelings matter here too and if you know you can't deal with it then don't put yourself in that situation.

@Rangoon

But isn't it odd that she has never pursued him for child support. The fact that she wouldn't agree to a DNA test ia suspicious. Yes the child may look like your husband but who knows the mother may have a liking for his type eg blue eyed redheads or whatever.

I don't think it's suspicious. I never did a DNA test for my child because one, him even agreeing to it was never going to happen and secondly I knew he was the father as I had not been having sex with anyone else and had nothing to prove. If he wanted to organise and pay for it himself he was welcome. Funnily enough he didn't want to for some strange reason.... I never chased for payments as I wanted no contact with him after he had turned his back on his child and he was a student so it wasn't worth the trouble for a fiver a month or whatever it would be.

@SadanddWorried

I think a DNA test and possibly some counselling are the next steps. For those asking how he’s acting, above all else he’s just dead set certain that it’s not his child. I’ve no idea what the timeline of obtaining an dna through the courts is? So I don’t really know how long I’ve got to gather my thoughts and decide what to do with either possible results.

I would suggest that as hard as it is you concentrate on the FACTS that you know now and stop projecting into the future. Work to resolve this. People on here are fanning your flames when they don't now the full story either.

know

I never chased for payments as I wanted no contact with him after he had turned his back on his child and he was a student so it wasn't worth the trouble for a fiver a month or whatever it would be.

Same here my ex doesn’t work or claim benefits, i originally put a claim in but it came back that he didn’t have to pay anything so I cancelled it, we don’t know that she didn’t do this and he managed to get out of it so she never bothered chasing it. I don’t claim anything now as I wasn’t going to beg for payments from someone who couldn’t be bothered to see our kids. Didn’t know that was considered suspicious by some!

Have you spoken to the child’s mum/ is that possible op?

OP - unless the mother of the child and your H want to do the DNA test - you can’t force it on them. Is the mother in touch with your H currently?

If he is adamant it’s not his child, and the mother isn’t bothered and is living her life - I am not sure you have the right to force them to do something only your want/need.

@SadanddWorried

A few thoughts. Let's say that you DO divorce and the child IS your DH's. That child will STILL be part of your life now no matter what, because your children are completely tied. (assuming DNA test is positive).

My parents divorced and they co-parented but their families stayed completely separate with the common link of the children. They didn’t see each other of speak, there was no need. I fully accept if we spilt and it is his child that child may then build a relationship with mine. But that would have nothing to do with me, I’d need to put what little trust I have in their father to deal with that

I'm hoping this bitterness is down to shock because you sound like you care only about yourself and not your children.

Firstly, he needs to establish if this child is biologically his child. If it is, he either takes responsibility, pays maintenance and ensures he has a relationship with his child, or he carries on as he has and doesn’t maintain a relationship but he needs to be aware his son/daughter may come to him for answers when they reach 18 and he needs to be prepared to answer any painful questions, being abandoned by a parent is traumatic for any child (I’m one of them). If the child is not his, then you can move on with your lives. If I was in your situation I would support my DH in re-connecting with his child but if this is not something you can do, then the only logical solution is to end the marriage.

@boringcreation
I sincerely hope you’re not trying to suggest the idea of a relationship ending and then parenting separately is not caring about your children? My mind might be clouded regarding this situation I’m facing, but it’s not when faced with utter fucking snobbery.

@altmember I was responding to another poster rather than OP

It would be done for me. He was involved, he knew there was a chance the child was his and instead of pursing confirmation of it, decided he would just ignore it. Because he had a new girlfriend.

He knew there was a chance that child was his and ignored it for his own benefit.

The lied to you, probably because he knew what a shit thing he done and thought your wouldn't be impressed or want or hanging over you.

The 2 kids later, he still hasn't mentioned he might have another child. You found out?

Also, I wouldn't be able to shake the feeling that if we split, he would be one of those men that are great dad as long as they are in a relationship with the mother. A split happens and they become a bit shit. Then they get a new girlfriend and become really shit.

I have been in the exact same situation as you. It’s awful. The whole dynamics of your relationship changes, everything for your children changes they have a new sibling ( I have older and younger children they did not take it well) You feel you have to do the right thing for the child. You become a step mum when you never signed up for that role.

It’s a never ending chore of picking up other peoples mess you wasn’t even aware of, and supporting everyone around you. And you have no choice. If you leave your husband your kids still have a sibling. And the ex one night stand suddenly thinks they can infiltrate your life and decisions!! Aaaaargh!

My husband loves the children he has with me and to our children he is an amazing father. Feel free to pm me anytime. Unfortunately from my experience things are going to get worse before they get better.
We stayed together but my god it was fucking hard.

I don’t think I forgive the lying.

Twice I’ve been dating someone and someone from their past has said they have their child and both guys told me and were honest with me.
One guy was the dad and one guy wasn’t - both never said anything before this or ever asked for money.

You don’t lie about something so massive if you truly care about your partner.