How do you come to terms with the fact that the narciasist never really loved you

[JLBear12]

I am 3 months out of a relationship with someone who displayed a lot of narcissistic traits. He discarded me for another woman, how do you come to terms, in your mind, that the entire relationship with just a lie its driving me mad.

@trixey even their apologies are fake just to get you to drop it. In all the years he only once bought me flowers and chocolates to say sorry for being an arsehole but I think that was just to bring me back under control. Omg to think I was grateful for a cheap bunch of flowers. I don't think he actually ever said the words am sorry, he would say I think I might be sorry. I was never allowed to bring something up that bothered me, it was always I have slept since then or stop bringing things up. He never actually went out specifically and bought me a bday or Christmas card, and when he did finally get one, he would go on about how much it cost xx

@trixey in fact his favourite statement was 'you're like a broken record' now I have realised I never got my emotional needs met ever. I was just the maid who helped to financially support and to be walked over again and again all because he has me trapped in some silly trauma bond xx

[quote JLBear12]@trixey even their apologies are fake just to get you to drop it. In all the years he only once bought me flowers and chocolates to say sorry for being an arsehole but I think that was just to bring me back under control. Omg to think I was grateful for a cheap bunch of flowers. I don't think he actually ever said the words am sorry, he would say I think I might be sorry. I was never allowed to bring something up that bothered me, it was always I have slept since then or stop bringing things up. He never actually went out specifically and bought me a bday or Christmas card, and when he did finally get one, he would go on about how much it cost xx[/quote]
I would get 'I'm sorry you felt like that' sort of thing. Not a proper apology where it's clear he realises he was in the wrong.

I'd get a trip to Asda the night before for my bday. Valentine's Day would be the same day after he had finished work. Thinking about it now - that was intentional. It must have been. Oh gosh I've never thought that before.

He knew that I knew he hadn't got me anything in the days coming up to my birthday. He knew what I'd be thinking in my head. I bet it was on purpose to make me feel crap.

I remember one Valentine's Day, he hadn't got me anything, there was nothing there on the morning. I must have spoken to him in the afternoon or something and he shouted at me and said I'd ruined the surprise. He came in with a bunch of roses after work.

All mind games I was completely blind to so much.

@trixey it comes back slowly, he once actually bought me a card and wrote it in the shop and then gave it me xx

[quote JLBear12]@trixey it comes back slowly, he once actually bought me a card and wrote it in the shop and then gave it me xx[/quote]
Oh gosh I had similar! I once had to wait in the car while he went into the shop to get me a birthday card. Again a couple of days before I gave birth. I sat in the car and sobbed. He came out with a car and a car of tobleone. I hate toblerone. He knew what my favourite chocolate was.

@trixey thinking back he knew that my favourite chocolate was ferreo roche but also knew my daughter has a severe nut allergy but hey ho he still bought them, what the hell now that seems weird x

he once actually bought me a card and wrote it in the shop and then gave it me

Mine bought me sports equipment for a hobby that I never ever mentioned, nor expressed any interest in. I'm not sporty. I never, ever have been.

Oh and he used my bank card to pay for it.

@sassbott @ReadySteadyTwins
Two big ones out of all the little ones spring to mind - he kept me up until after 5am with a manufactured row and wouldn't let me go to bed until it was resolved, the night before an important interview.

Another time there was an important day at work with visiting dignitaries due in at midday and he gave me a brownie for my elevenses. It had weed in it.

There were two occasions where he tricked me into doing something illegal - like jail-time kind of illegal. First time was concealing drugs in my luggage, second was fraud, luckily the last one someone else had given me the heads up before I actually did what he had asked me to do, but I still break out in a cold sweat about me being an unwitting drug mule. Apparently that was fucking hilarious to him.

@JLBear12

As I absolutely love the advice you lovely people provide, can you tell me if this is triangulation. There was a girl that my ex told me had always fancied him and in fact had said when we got together that she was going to ask him out for drink (he told me that). Quite some time past and he was messaging her and said they were only friends. Some time after that he had had a night out and i was collecting him from his friends house (she lives next door) When I got there he was in her house having a brew and supposedly discussing mine and his relationship. When I told him that I wasnt impressed he called me insecure and pathetic. Now I think all this was done on purpose xx

Yes classic triangulation. Mine did a similar thing with a woman from work who was apparently much more supportive than I was when his best friend died (despite me literally wiping the tears from his face and encouraging him to talk about it with me all the time, getting involved with a memorial for him and basically being as loving as I always was.)

Apparently she was still the one he turned to, as she knew the friend better than I did. At the funeral she’d arranged flowers with a card saying from her and XDP. And he managed to convince me it meant nothing, they all worked together so it made sense that she’d sent the flowers from them both. While I stood there beside him like a twat.

When we’d split up one time he had arranged a date with her within a few weeks, and when she questioned if he was really over me he’d said yes. Then was annoyed at me for being open to a reconciliation because it meant he’d have to let her down again, when he’d already had to cut her off after “she’d got too close” to him previously. This was the first I’d heard of it but it made sense of the flower thing. He swore that nothing had happened but it was yet another thing that rocked my sense of security and that I wasn’t allowed to question because his friend died

He also insisted that his brothers wife was always coming onto him. From what I’d seen of their interactions she treated him like a slightly annoying younger brother, taking the piss a bit but generally friendly enough. He certainly didn’t seem like the type she would fancy, but he obviously like to think himself irresistible! He once told me he had loads of women throwing themselves at him at work. They need you to think they have options so you feel lucky that they chose you.

I remember one Valentine's Day, he hadn't got me anything, there was nothing there on the morning. I must have spoken to him in the afternoon or something and he shouted at me and said I'd ruined the surprise. He came in with a bunch of roses after work.

This is sickening, it's like we dated the same person. I had this. Identical. Less the flowers.

As per usual, I'd got him something, and a card. He knew he had a card because he'd "accidentally" opened my post from Moon Pig where I ordered it from. He later revealed that "obviously I opened a card in the post addressed to you in the days before valentine's. Don't know if you've been seeing someone and they've sent you a card." Basically calling me a cheat. For no reason at all. With 5 week old twins.

So, I sat on valentine's, waiting for my card and present to appear. Nothing.... Nothing.... Nothing....

At about 4 o'clock, I just withdrew and went and sat in the bedroom. The fake concern as if they don't know exactly what's going on "What's the matter with you?"

I replied that I'd been waiting to open my card all day, and sorry for feeling dejected that it was another occasion where he hadn't done anything. He replied "Well you've had a face on all day, how could I possibly give you a card?"

Then of course, I had ruined valentine's for both of us. If only I hadn't yet again shown such shitty behaviour, I would have had a card. And the really expensive present that he couldn't tell me what it was, and definitely existed (lol) he would have to send back because of how I'd "behaved."

I "got" so many uber expensive gifts. He'd bullshit how he'd bought them well in advance, so he could spend a month boasting of his fake generosity. He'd pretend they were in his office or basically anywhere other than the house. Then he'd engineer an argument so I couldn't have the thing, and shake his head, at how I'd cost myself such a lovely gift, with my "behaviour." It would then be miraculously returned to the company for a refund.

Obviously, none of these things ever existed in the first place. They included my engagement ring. The only holiday we were ever due to go on. A medical treatment done privately, that was around £2k. He promised to pay for. Then the day payment was due, my "behaviour" meant it would be impossible for him to pay.

That’s awful ReadySteady, what an absolute shit he was.

Have some early valentines flowers xx

It's beyond embarrassing writing it all down.

I'm no idiot. I'm highly educated. Attractive. The point I'm sort of making is that my friends would all say how I could have anyone I wanted. It's only now, they've all revealed that they couldn't work out what on earth I saw in this man in the first place.

Where as me? I couldn't believe my luck, I'd found my soulmate. They're not red flags, you're just jealous your man isn't as perfect as mine. And I get that, look how perfect he is. He was everything I'd been looking for, he wanted everything for the future that I did. Everything. Down to the tiniest detail. The stars had aligned.

It was all a con. Free board in my lovely home. Stealing my savings. I didn't realise vile creatures like this walked among us.

I hate him, because I'll never love properly again. And I was such a loving, trusting, sparkling person. I'm a bit dead behind the eyes now.

As one who has gone from one relationship with a narcissist to another, I have just read ‘How to Leave your Psychopath’ by Maddy Anholt. It is brilliant!! I highly recommend it. It tells you how narcissists tick!!

@ReadySteadyTwins

It's beyond embarrassing writing it all down.

I'm no idiot. I'm highly educated. Attractive. The point I'm sort of making is that my friends would all say how I could have anyone I wanted. It's only now, they've all revealed that they couldn't work out what on earth I saw in this man in the first place.

Where as me? I couldn't believe my luck, I'd found my soulmate. They're not red flags, you're just jealous your man isn't as perfect as mine. And I get that, look how perfect he is. He was everything I'd been looking for, he wanted everything for the future that I did. Everything. Down to the tiniest detail. The stars had aligned.

It was all a con. Free board in my lovely home. Stealing my savings. I didn't realise vile creatures like this walked among us.

I hate him, because I'll never love properly again. And I was such a loving, trusting, sparkling person. I'm a bit dead behind the eyes now.

Mine some how moved himself and his kids in. I had a lovely house too. Didn't pay anything towards it for a long time. I used to pay for his kids food when they were here.

I'll always remember him once shouting at me because I used to buy croissants every week and there was never any left for his kids because by the time they came to stay my kids had eaten them all. Again - he was paying absolutely nothing towards living in my home. I was always accused of not liking his kids. Yet now I've left, I have an incredibly strong bond with my step daughter. Thankfully she's old enough for us to continue our relationship without her dad involved. My dcs have admitted they never liked him.

And now I've left with absolutely nothing in terms of furniture, electricals, cutlery. Which is ok - it means I can buy new with things he's never touched. But I had everything. It was mine.

I just cannot believe how many stories there are like this. With it being so subtle at first it's so hard to stop before your completely trapped with the outside world completely oblivious. It looked like we had it all on the outside but the reality was a controlling, abusive and in loving husband and his highly anxious wife who spent her days trying to please him feeling utterly exhausted.

It's just so wrong.

Another one I found, he would always sit there for hours on his phone on Facebook or whatever and then you would speak to him and it was like he was zoned out. I think now he was purposely ignoring me so I would have to repeat myself and get frustrated with him. Another would be I had made dinner and he would come home and say I dont fancy that let's have takeaway. And the one thing that has royally pissed me off he came with nothing and left with loads xxx

Oh and he made me really dislike his ex (mother of his kids) by the awful things he said she had done and then in my devalue stage told me how they get on so brilliantly nowadays better than they ever did then increased the times he went round there to see the kids just to make me insecure xx

@JLBear12

Oh and he made me really dislike his ex (mother of his kids) by the awful things he said she had done and then in my devalue stage told me how they get on so brilliantly nowadays better than they ever did then increased the times he went round there to see the kids just to make me insecure xx

Literally so similar! I've used to hate his ex with a passion. Now I realise he made up a load of crap about her, stories of how she attacked him were actually reversed.

Also the same with being on the phone. He wouldn't look up from his phone when i was talking to him/asking him something. If I was cooking tea, I'd ask him what he wanted. He would say 'just whatever you're making' while not even looking up from his phone, so I'd suggest something and he wouldn't want it.

It's so sad that I just thought this was normal behaviour

@trixey at the time it seemed normal, maybe they just have a facebook addiction or something but now I look at everything as if its more sinister. Yes I used to make suggestions and then be told no he didnt want that but would never actually say when he wanted xx

[quote JLBear12]@trixey at the time it seemed normal, maybe they just have a facebook addiction or something but now I look at everything as if its more sinister. Yes I used to make suggestions and then be told no he didnt want that but would never actually say when he wanted xx[/quote]
Yeah it's the exact same. To be fair. I'm guilty of sometimes being on my phone when the kids are trying to tell me something, when im just having 5 mins. But my kids aren't confused as to wether I actually love them or not. I show my kids love and affection on a daily basis (as I tried to do him). So the difference is huge really isn't it. It just adds to a longgggg list of questions, mind games, controlling behaviour

They are all very subtle devaluations, I absolutely hate being late and whenever it was something for me to go to, he would conveniently need to go to the bathroom and sit there for ages knowing it would annoy me xx

@trixey my daughter is disabled and doubly incontinent and wears pads. Sometimes I went out and came back and could smell she needed changing and he would just say oh I cant smell anything and continue to ignore her whilst playing on his phone xx

[quote JLBear12]@trixey my daughter is disabled and doubly incontinent and wears pads. Sometimes I went out and came back and could smell she needed changing and he would just say oh I cant smell anything and continue to ignore her whilst playing on his phone xx[/quote]
Exactly the same with our DS. Or sometimes he would admit he was just waiting for me to change him.

You've had it tough op, I really wish you and your daughter all the best. You will get there xx

@trixey how long since yours left xx

[quote JLBear12]@trixey how long since yours left xx[/quote]
2.5 months, what about you? It's all still new tbh x

@trixey will be 3 months next week, has yours moved on already xx

If you ask him now, he would have absolutely no memory of it even happening hmm but it's etched in my head forever.

Fucketh me. The amount of "I don't recall that happening. I don't recall that conversation. If you say you can recall, then we're just going to have to agree to disagree"

UGH YES.

Him: "I don't remember saying that."
Me: "Are you suggesting that you didn't say it?"
Him: "I'm just saying I don't have any memory of it."
Me: "Well, I remember it, so can we address it?"
Him: "I don't see what there is to address if I can't remember it."
Me: "Why not? Do you not believe that I have an accurate memory?"
Him: "I don't know if you do or don't. I just don't remember it so I can't address it."
Me: "It sounds like you're suggesting that it doesn't need to be addressed because I might not be remembering correctly or am making it up."
Him: "I'm not saying anything, but if I can't remember what I said, I can't discuss it."
Me: "Well, I do remember clearly what you said, so can we please discuss it?"
Him: "I'm not going to discuss something I have no recollection of saying."

The amount of ducking and weaving in order to avoid any personal responsibility, accountability or show of care about the experience of his "partner" was incredible.