How do you come to terms with the fact that the narciasist never really loved you

[JLBear12]

I am 3 months out of a relationship with someone who displayed a lot of narcissistic traits. He discarded me for another woman, how do you come to terms, in your mind, that the entire relationship with just a lie its driving me mad.

I think I will feel much better when my brain can accept narcissism because I have never come across it before. Its mind blowing xx

@JLBear12

I think I will feel much better when my brain can accept narcissism because I have never come across it before. Its mind blowing xx

Yes it's accepting that it actually exists and it is a real thing. I believe my dad has narcissist traits, I'm not sure if I would call him a narcissist like my exH is but there are some really traits there. Which again would come from my dads childhood. It's quite a fascinating thing.

It's a lesson learnt, my eyes have definitely been opened to the different kinds people out there. Obviously we all know there are some horrific people in the world but to learn about the different types is eye opening

@trixey it has made me see things so differently, the comments he made like things are going to change round here and I am going to review this relationship werent silly comments after all, they.were manipulations xx

I’ve followed this thread from the beginning and was reluctant to post probably because I am ashamed that I was involved with if not a narcissist someone with all the traits, it’s odd reading the posts and it’s like tick tick tick. I think something that is helping me is being kinder to myself I am not a bad person I just didn’t realise there were people like this. I’m 6 months out and although I could kick myself (the red flags were flying) I’m feeling much better. Accepting it happened has helped enormously.

@Meeeeesh nothing to be ashamed of, they are the ones that should be ashamed. You did nothing wrong, they are master manipulators, little children in adult bodies xx

I actually decided at one point to try and see the 5 year old child inside my XDP whenever he got angry as I knew that his poor behaviour was really the same as that of the little boy who couldn’t bear being powerless and threw a tantrum. Unfortunately a 17 stone man having a tantrum is a lot harder to deal with than a 5 year old!

@RoyKentsChestHair I would sympathise with them if they didnt cause so much damage to people. I used to tell my ex to grow up a lot but now I realise it was far more sinister than just acting a bit immature xx

That's the thing, if it wasn't for their awful toxic abusive behaviour they would probably deserve some kind of pity, for what they really are inside.

The tantrums were something else. Highly embarrassing from a grown 'man'.

Another one who has got rid of a narcissist, who clearly did not love me.

He's an absolute textbook narcissist- wish I'd known about it then.

It was a huge ego injury to him & he lashed out badly with the usual smear campaign, punishment etc.

I've had to contact my Nex (narcissist ex ) for the first time in a while today regarding childcare. I am being strong, I've kept the conversation only about DS, his replies were apologies and that he loves me - he has a new gf which is plastered all over his fb apparently (I can't see as he's blocked)

Haven't replied to these and I won't but...urgh I feel uneasy. I've set up an email address purely for contact as my solicitor advised me it's good for evidence regarding court if it gets that far and the police too as I've already called them once before over harassment....

But, I am feeling stronger than I've ever felt before. Constant reading about narcissists is hopefully going to pay off for me as I feel I know how to deal with him more now than I ever did. Let's hope I succeed

In a way I am glad he discarded me because least this way, as we dont need to co parent, he can leave me the hell alone.

@trixey you go girl be super proud of yourself for being strong xx

Hey, @trixey - I also communicate only by email with my ex, for the same reason.

It enrages him! As it documents him not picking her up from school etc. he does not like being held accountable & prefers verbal communication so he can gaslight & manipulate.

If anyone is needing support with managing these fuckers, I can recommend following Michelle Dempsey & Lisa Romano on Insta - they are brilliant.

@LargeProsecco

Hey, *@trixey* - I also communicate only by email with my ex, for the same reason.

It enrages him! As it documents him not picking her up from school etc. he does not like being held accountable & prefers verbal communication so he can gaslight & manipulate.

If anyone is needing support with managing these fuckers, I can recommend following Michelle Dempsey & Lisa Romano on Insta - they are brilliant.

I don't think he's best pleased either. But he hasn't once asked how our DS is. Just trying to play the victim or apologising anytime we do speak. The email is there for him to communicate but I've made it clear it has to be civil and only regarding DS.

Ive grey rocked his 'I love yous' this morning so I bet the email address is never good to be used 🙄 but least ive done it as a way to communicate

The best revenge is your own happiness.

I lived by this.

I noticed that anyone who was a happy person, or popular or pretty much anything he wanted to be, he hated them. So much. He hated people who had happy homes, were professionally successful, were beautiful, and especially people who had no interest in him or who saw his red flags.

He can only fake happiness and is consumed by jealousy and destroys relationships with his compulsion for attention and drama. Somewhere inside my ex he knows who he is and why he's so incapable of finding long lasting happiness with someone. And it eats at him I'm sure.

So it gives me a little warm glow to know that I'm living the life he craves but can never, ever achieve.

@Drinkingallthewine

The best revenge is your own happiness.

I lived by this.

I noticed that anyone who was a happy person, or popular or pretty much anything he wanted to be, he hated them. So much. He hated people who had happy homes, were professionally successful, were beautiful, and especially people who had no interest in him or who saw his red flags.

He can only fake happiness and is consumed by jealousy and destroys relationships with his compulsion for attention and drama. Somewhere inside my ex he knows who he is and why he's so incapable of finding long lasting happiness with someone. And it eats at him I'm sure.

So it gives me a little warm glow to know that I'm living the life he craves but can never, ever achieve.

This is what I'm working towards. My own contentment is everything to me, it's what I need to work towards for myself but knowing he will hate it gives it that added touch 😊

My own contentment is everything to me, it's what I need to work towards for myself but knowing he will hate it gives it that added touch

Me being content with my lot (little did I know then how much better it was going to be!) was one of the reasons he wanted to leave me, as if it was a bad thing.

Reading his emails was hilarious, he was so formal, polite and pretending to be kind. Just not him at all and it fooled no-one.

I cant believe I actually just thought he was emotionally immature and I could change him xx

As I absolutely love the advice you lovely people provide, can you tell me if this is triangulation. There was a girl that my ex told me had always fancied him and in fact had said when we got together that she was going to ask him out for drink (he told me that). Quite some time past and he was messaging her and said they were only friends. Some time after that he had had a night out and i was collecting him from his friends house (she lives next door) When I got there he was in her house having a brew and supposedly discussing mine and his relationship. When I told him that I wasnt impressed he called me insecure and pathetic. Now I think all this was done on purpose xx

Yes, it sounds like it was deliberate. I don't know if it's triangulation but certainly a tactic to try to make you jealous/ insecure and to gaslight you into the bargain. And also as a potential option or fall back girlfriend for him if he wanted it.

Given time to mull over various things that happened, I've no doubt you'll probably spot similar instances and begin to see a pattern.

For me, there was always a massive row immediately before any occasion I was looking forward to, or during it. If there was any occasion where he could engineer something to to make me distraught and ruin it for me it was irresistible to him. There was also a pattern where things of mine got mysteriously damaged after a row - always meaningful or expensive things.

@Drinkingallthewine he never argued with me, chance would have been a fine thing he would shut down and stonewall instead of arguing. He used to move things round the house and then pretend he hadnt, how very childish. One thing that really used to annoy was whenever I wanted something he wanted something to. I said I was thinking of a new tattoo, two weeks later he had booked himself in for one knowing we couldnt afford for both of us to have one xx

And then there was emotional invalidation, whenever I had any issue tired, sad, stressed etc he would always say I know the feeling, never offered any support. Oh my these jigsaw pieces are all slotting together xx

For me, there was always a massive row immediately before any occasion I was looking forward to, or during it.

This is so uncanny. My exp did this all the time. And he didn’t just reserve it for when I had something important about to happen/ happening. He would also do it if he and I were having a nice, calm, peaceful evening etc. Any time in essence where I was making it about me/ not him = tantrumming toddler.

If I had a big work event, he would argue with me beforehand. Anything where it was about me (work or personal), he would effectively try and sabotage it through ‘forgetting’ about it (clearly hoping his lack of interest would send me off a cliff). Or starting an argument literally the day of/ the day before. Or making a comment to undermine me.

Anytime I attempted to call him on it, he would be so offended. Telling me how proud he was of me and how he told everyone how clever etc I was. Which he did. Obviously I now realise that my success made him look good. But in private he very much needed to ‘control’ or feel like he was superior to me. And that was achieved by minimisation, sabotage or outright ignoring (forgetting) behind closed doors.

If we had rare adult time, he would create an argument on the first night and leave, knowing I had kept my child free week free for us to spend together (outside of work). So I would then have a week free where, unless I followed him/ engaged with him, I was left without plans and without children. Fortunately for me, I was somehow robust enough that he never successfully sabotaged me entirely. I was resilient enough to not let it overtly impact me. But the chaos he caused (emotionally and mentally) categorically took up brain space I should have been giving to my career.

I’ve suddenly remembered a comment he made to me. He was musing our loud. And he said (god I cannot believe I stayed after this), ‘if I went silent with any of my exes it would send them off a cliff emotionally.’ When I asked him to expand on that, he basically stated that if they texted and he didn’t reply and / or replied but minimally, they would spin out emotionally and get upset, asking him if he was ok and what had they done wrong etc.
He then commented ‘but that doesn’t work with you.’ And he was right, it didn’t. For some reason very early on I clocked that he used his messaging cadence to control the pace of the relationship. I never played that game, and when he would give me tumbleweed, I never once chased / got emotional or broke the text stalemate.

Of course I would then get the angry barrage of ‘why don’t you text me / call me?’. I get a huge degree of satisfaction now knowing in hindsight just how much that got under his skin. At the time I just thought, play your games with me, you won’t win.

For me, there was always a massive row immediately before any occasion I was looking forward to, or during it. If there was any occasion where he could engineer something to to make me distraught and ruin it for me it was irresistible to him.

God, it's like reading my life. Day before our wedding? "Yeah, I want to draw up a pre nup and if you don't do it, it's off tomorrow."

Birth of my babies? "You're lucky I'm even here".

Valentine's? Birthdays? Stories of huge presents coming my way. And on the day I'd get nothing, because "actually, other people bought you too much and you're not going to make a mug of me"

And if you point out how horrible any of this behaviour (obviously) is, you are treated with contempt and disrespect. If you object to the contempt and disrespect, you are "crazy." And now it's alllllll your fault, because "who would buy a present for a crazy person?!".

If I hadn't been so vulnerable, and pregnant with my babies throughout all this, I'd have left long long before I did. I just wasn't strong enough, throwing up every day and panicking with a twin birth.

There was also a pattern where things of mine got mysteriously damaged after a row - always meaningful or expensive things.

Ahhhhh ha ha ha ha. I'm not laughing in amusement. More in recognition and disgust. The one off china mug I excitedly found on eBay for a fiver, but was the same one I had as a small child? Smashed when I caught him on the phone to another woman. I have mild OCD, and if something is a set of six, and one breaks, and you can't replace that single item, I have to replace the set as it bothers me that it's not complete. My expensive (and discontinued) wine glasses? Smashed one. The matching tumblers? Smashed one. The pair of granite pots I got for my 18th, and had sat pristine for 20yrs? Smashed one when he realised I'd put a picture of my scan on social media (having been told by him that I wasn't allowed) and the prostitute he'd been knocking around with had seen it.

The fact I'm still standing, or indeed any of us are, is testament to who we are. These people are evil.

@ReadySteadyTwins

For me, there was always a massive row immediately before any occasion I was looking forward to, or during it. If there was any occasion where he could engineer something to to make me distraught and ruin it for me it was irresistible to him.

God, it's like reading my life. Day before our wedding? "Yeah, I want to draw up a pre nup and if you don't do it, it's off tomorrow."

Birth of my babies? "You're lucky I'm even here".

Valentine's? Birthdays? Stories of huge presents coming my way. And on the day I'd get nothing, because "actually, other people bought you too much and you're not going to make a mug of me"

And if you point out how horrible any of this behaviour (obviously) is, you are treated with contempt and disrespect. If you object to the contempt and disrespect, you are "crazy." And now it's alllllll your fault, because "who would buy a present for a crazy person?!".

If I hadn't been so vulnerable, and pregnant with my babies throughout all this, I'd have left long long before I did. I just wasn't strong enough, throwing up every day and panicking with a twin birth.

There was also a pattern where things of mine got mysteriously damaged after a row - always meaningful or expensive things.

Ahhhhh ha ha ha ha. I'm not laughing in amusement. More in recognition and disgust. The one off china mug I excitedly found on eBay for a fiver, but was the same one I had as a small child? Smashed when I caught him on the phone to another woman. I have mild OCD, and if something is a set of six, and one breaks, and you can't replace that single item, I have to replace the set as it bothers me that it's not complete. My expensive (and discontinued) wine glasses? Smashed one. The matching tumblers? Smashed one. The pair of granite pots I got for my 18th, and had sat pristine for 20yrs? Smashed one when he realised I'd put a picture of my scan on social media (having been told by him that I wasn't allowed) and the prostitute he'd been knocking around with had seen it.

The fact I'm still standing, or indeed any of us are, is testament to who we are. These people are evil.

Wow that is horrific. Absolutely awful. It makes my blood boil. They always target when we are at our most vulnerable. My ExH couldn't stand it when I was pregnant as the attention was on me just for once. He really snapped at me in front of a load of his family/friends the day before I gave birth. And then a few days after shouted at me again for crying/being in pain and said I had no right to cry. Granted he did apologise but it's still horrific behaviour. If you ask him now, he would have absolutely no memory of it even happening but it's etched in my head forever.

They know when we are at our most vulnerable, we won't leave them. So they can just get away with treating us however they want

If you ask him now, he would have absolutely no memory of it even happening hmm but it's etched in my head forever.

Fucketh me. The amount of "I don't recall that happening. I don't recall that conversation. If you say you can recall, then we're just going to have to agree to disagree"