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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you come to terms with the fact that the narciasist never really loved you

328 replies

JLBear12 · 31/01/2022 08:45

I am 3 months out of a relationship with someone who displayed a lot of narcissistic traits. He discarded me for another woman, how do you come to terms, in your mind, that the entire relationship with just a lie its driving me mad.

OP posts:
Orgasmagorical · 06/02/2022 10:41

I lost a baby to him, he never spoke to me about it until I left.

hurtingmama Flowers

My story is slightly different. I have a health condition which means I need to prepare for pregnancy in the hope of having a healthy baby. He didn't give me the chance to prepare for pregnancy and the resulting baby was born with deformities and died after a few weeks. Blindly, I used to blame myself, saying it was my fault because of my condition. It wasn't until he was preparing to leave he tried to get me to admit I had got pregnant deliberately (I had never wanted children, why would I Hmm). That accusation made me realise he knows he is responsible for not stopping when I told him I didn't want to risk getting pregnant. All those years in that fucked up relationship, where he blamed me for everything that was wrong in his life, apart from that one thing he never blamed me for. That told me everything I needed to know. He didn't even take a photo with him.

Orgasmagorical · 06/02/2022 10:42

@JLBear12

She died suddenly on Christmas day and every december he would cause issues with drinking and that. One December he even walked out for a week with no care xx
I'm so sorry Flowers

It's like the birthday thing, they can't stand that your thoughts are on something or someone other than them so they'll do anything to get the attention back. They are desperate, desperate people.

Original poster
JLBear12 · 06/02/2022 10:47

@orgasmagorical omg what a fucking wanker. How do these people get away with it. I didn't even know what a narcissist was when I first came out of the relationship. Even now I try to convince myself he wasnt one and it's all my fault xx

OP posts:
WhereverYouGoThereYouAre · 06/02/2022 11:08

@JLBear12 how cruel to target your dog when he knew how much it meant to you. My therapist told me to review everything I had doubts about as intentional as in every interaction we had he viewed me as inferior to him.

I understand when you mentioned things coming back to you slowly. The same has happened to me - incidents long forgotten about that were confusing at the time, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I look back now and think of all of the shitty behaviour I put up with.

I know for me that I just didn't piece things together until after the discard- the big red flags, the little red flags, the general disrespect, confusion and the feeling of something not being quite right.

WhereverYouGoThereYouAre · 06/02/2022 11:20

@hurtingmama Flowers

@orgasmagorical Flowers

So sorry for your loss

Original poster
JLBear12 · 06/02/2022 11:23

Yes the flags were there, fractured relationships with his kids, all ex partners were controlling, cheating on people, debt, no relationship with his dad, substance abuse. And then there was me little miss co dependent who wanted to fix things. I did fix them and for my troubles none of his family speak to me because all the fault has been placed at my door xx

OP posts:
Orgasmagorical · 06/02/2022 13:03

Thank you, Wherever Smile

Even now I try to convince myself he wasnt one and it's all my fault xx

Why? After everything he put you through, why do you want to take the blame? Would you say the same to the rest of us posting here?

I have found that knowing mine is a tick every box narcissist has helped me. In trying to think his abuse wasn't personal I suppose, not that that's easy to accept, even now.

I've often thought he can't help being a narcissist, with his family background, but he does know right from wrong, he does keep his abuse for certain people (although the poor Chosen Ones don't realise they're just being used too), so it's all a choice, often having been planned beforehand. Please, JLBear, do not try and blame yourself, you must know deep down it's not you, it's him Flowers

Original poster
JLBear12 · 06/02/2022 13:13

@Orgasmagorical he ticks all the boxes for a covert narcissist, the passive aggression, snide remarks, silent treatments, sulky, sarcasm, he was also controlling, threatening my best friend to stay away from us, constant lies and attention seeking and subtle put downs and still I think maybe because I was insecure and anxious and sometimes paranoid, I must have deserved it somehow xx

OP posts:
Orgasmagorical · 06/02/2022 13:22

No, lovely, you really didn't Flowers

hurtingmama · 06/02/2022 13:28

I've been feeling better since yesterday. Like I no longer want him. It's been almost 4 months. I'm hoping this isn't a blip and I'm over the worst.

It was so hurtful thinking of him with his new girlfriend supply, victim. Now I'm not as hurt. She's his problem. I'm free. I really hope this is a turning point

Original poster
JLBear12 · 06/02/2022 15:08

I think if someone could say to me yes definitely a narc then it would settle in my head xx

OP posts:
trixey · 06/02/2022 15:15

@JLBear12

I think if someone could say to me yes definitely a narc then it would settle in my head xx
I get you. But sadly it's not going to happen. You know he is. We all know he is from what you've said. It's just finding peace with that somehow.
trixey · 06/02/2022 15:16

@JLBear12

I think if someone could say to me yes definitely a narc then it would settle in my head xx
And also what's important to remember is wether he is or isn't, he still treated you terribly. You still deserve more and he will never change
Original poster
JLBear12 · 06/02/2022 15:40

@trixey thanks hun, yes deep down I know he is and he will carry on repeating the same patterns over and over. Guess I am still trauma bonded so refuse to accept it yet xx

OP posts:
ReadySteadyTwins · 06/02/2022 17:56

@JLBear12

I think if someone could say to me yes definitely a narc then it would settle in my head xx
Short of him sitting in front of a psychiatrist, with you present, that 100% diagnosis is not going to happen.

However. My oldest friend is a psychiatrist. She's helped me with my experience, and whilst I didn't have therapy with her directly (too weird, she's pretty much my bestie) she said with certainty, my ex was a narcissist. The therapist I did then go on to see, confirmed that. Ex never ever went to therapy, or agreed, or admitted that he was a narcissist, but that's sort of more confirmation because narcissists never admit what they are. So, as I did, you have to get your confirmation from those who are qualified to know. So, in respect to your experience, I've shown her this thread.

She says everything you have posted, reinforces that he is a narcissist.

I hope that helps. We can all see it, (but at the end of the day, we're just "general public" with a shared experience) but she, a qualified doctor, with 25yrs experience in this field, sees it too.

Original poster
JLBear12 · 06/02/2022 18:04

@ReadySteadyTwins wow that is so so kind of you, I really do appreciate it. Please pass my thanks on to your friend. I guess deep down I knew what he was but having an expert confirm is very helpful xx

OP posts:
trixey · 06/02/2022 18:31

I didn't have a clue what a narcissist was. I posted many posts about my ExH under many different user names. I was told he was abusive, manipulative and controlling. Never a narcissist.

However I made a post just after I left and the word narcissist was mentioned. I googled it, it fit. The more I looked on Mumsnet, the more I saw narcissists being mentioned. It all added up but I couldn't be sure and I drive myself crazy trying to ask if he was or if he wasn't.

I then started private therapy and in my first session she told me he was a narcissist and she has in every single session since. But every week it's been like a shock and a relief for her to confirm it. Just the same as when she says abusive. It's a reminder that I need.

So it's only natural to want answers op. It's just answers we will never get from the abusers themselves. My ExH is never in a million years going to come to me one day and say 'oh by the way, I've realised I'm a narcissist'. It's just not going to happen.

I think my issue is I've never had a healthy relationship with a man. My dad wasn't great and neither was my first ever relationship. Then my second major relationship is ExH. So instead of constantly thinking about him and what he did, it's toke to focus on myself, my boundaries and what is and isn't acceptable. These are painful lessons learnt.

However i do honestly think if I had a loving father who had been there for me and showed me love, I would never have picked such shitty partners in adult life. I don't blame my dad, I can't change him and I love him as he's my dad. But I didn't have anyone to look up too\compare too so I've had to learn to hard way.

Original poster
JLBear12 · 06/02/2022 18:44

@trixey I think narcissism is becoming a bigger and bigger problem. My therapist says what a toxic individual and that he was an abuser although I am on the waiting list for domestic violence counselling which may be of more assistance. I am going to use my private therapist to try to work out where my codependency issues stem from. Unlike you I cant pinpoint anything from my childhood except my mum is a people pleaser and worries what everyone thinks of things, we were always brought up to do the right things in other peoples eyes xx

OP posts:
trixey · 06/02/2022 19:04

[quote JLBear12]@trixey I think narcissism is becoming a bigger and bigger problem. My therapist says what a toxic individual and that he was an abuser although I am on the waiting list for domestic violence counselling which may be of more assistance. I am going to use my private therapist to try to work out where my codependency issues stem from. Unlike you I cant pinpoint anything from my childhood except my mum is a people pleaser and worries what everyone thinks of things, we were always brought up to do the right things in other peoples eyes xx[/quote]
I think it would of come from your mum but completely unintentionally on your mums side. My mum was scared of my dad. He was like exH, never hit or was violent but we walked on eggshells around him.
My mum is a people pleaser as am I. We learn from what's around us as kids. Your mum won't be at fault as my mum isn't. I always felt unloved by my mum but through therapy I see it isn't her fault and I understand.

That's why it's so important as women that we break the cycle. We show our dcs what is and isn't acceptable and they will hopefully not follow in our footsteps. I could never forgive myself if they did knowing what I know now.

13yearslater · 06/02/2022 20:10

I had never had any contact with the police or psychiatrists before I met ex-H Narcunt.

And no involvement with either since he vanished. He loved police turning up all the time.

He now writes impenetrable articles about the suffering of refugees on journalism websites.

Such an insufferable verbiose knob.

He is a walking talking textbook narcissist. He thinks he's Homer or Virgil of course.

Once you are over them (took me a good few years as he left me with our 6 month old son and cleared all accounts leaving me penniless) they become dull specimens. You lovely lot are going through the early trauma..trying to work them out..still bonded in some way...I promise you, once you're out the other side, you don't give a fuck.

They never gave a fuck about you.

13yearslater · 06/02/2022 20:25

Oh...and once I stopped being afraid of him, I had some fun. Got him riled. Laughed at him online. He knew that I knew what he was.

Made him uncomfortable at least. Hehe.

I have a letter from his employer, a headteacher, written after he left. The headteacher calls him dangerous.

He is getting older now. He will be losing his powers. He won't be able to keep up sexually. He will be getting a little grey and flacid.

Original poster
JLBear12 · 06/02/2022 20:48

@13yearslater wow I still cant get over the fact that these people leave their own kids. My exP was pretty inconsistent with his children until I came along and fixed the relationship with them. I really hope he keeps that up now I am out of the picture. How do these freaks manage to bond us to them, the more I learn the more crazy it all is xx

OP posts:
trixey · 06/02/2022 20:59

[quote JLBear12]@13yearslater wow I still cant get over the fact that these people leave their own kids. My exP was pretty inconsistent with his children until I came along and fixed the relationship with them. I really hope he keeps that up now I am out of the picture. How do these freaks manage to bond us to them, the more I learn the more crazy it all is xx[/quote]
Absolutely the same! His kids were only allowed to stay over night when he met me. Now it looks like their relationship is going down the drain again. I'm still close to my step children and speak to them all the time. More than ExH does!

Original poster
JLBear12 · 06/02/2022 21:13

@trixey I have been smeared to his children and his family xx

OP posts:
trixey · 06/02/2022 21:34

[quote JLBear12]@trixey I have been smeared to his children and his family xx[/quote]
The same with me but thankfully they know what their fathers like and it didn't work. If anything it's made us even closer as they are coming to me for support. Just shows the effort I put into my relationship with them vs the relationship he had with my dc.