How do you come to terms with the fact that the narciasist never really loved you

[JLBear12]

I am 3 months out of a relationship with someone who displayed a lot of narcissistic traits. He discarded me for another woman, how do you come to terms, in your mind, that the entire relationship with just a lie its driving me mad.

Thank you @Orgasmagorical

@hurtingmama I was told, time will heal. I too still love my ex but the man I thought he was. It's hard because not only do you have to grieve the relationship, you have to come to terms with the fact you were, in essence, conned. What kind of mind fuckery is that x

[quote hurtingmama]@TheCountessOfGrantham I've had pretty much the exact same. Especially the sleeping with other people one. He told me he was going back on the dating sites purely hoping I would beg him not too. All while accusing me of having someone else. Because of course he couldn't be the reason I ended it.

Can I just ask, how did you cope and get through? How long did it take you to just feel at peace again?

Deep down I sadly still care and love him in some weird way. He has moved straight on to his new supply. I am heartbroken but would never take him back. [/quote]
Firstly you have to realise you don't love him. The person you loved was all smoke and mirrors. Created by him in order to trap you and was never anything more than a character in a play. You have to come to terms with that. It took me about six months after we broke up to see enough of who he really is. We were together seven years. We broke up ten years ago, and I would say I completely let go any feelings of sadness or misplaced loyalty toward him a few weeks after realising I'd never known the man I'd been living with and had truly been in love with a veneer. And I'd spent well
3/4 of the relationship wondering where that lovely man had gone and what I could do to bring him back to the surface. It's their trick. The frog in slowly heating water.

@TheCountessOfGrantham thanks. This thread has been really helpful. Thank you @JLBear12 as I think it's helped a lot of us. I haven't cried today and I don't even feel too much. Tomorrow may be the opposite but today is ok.

I think that's so true when you realise the person you loved isn't the real them. He shouted at me in my vulnerable times and praised other people for my victories. That's the real him.

@hurtingmama I think it helps to talk about things because when you first get discarded, you feel so alone. Mine never shouted at me but he did numerous other things that keep coming back to me.slowly, today's memory was him threatening to leave me if 'things didnt change' x

One thing that helped me was to forcibly remind myself that I was also in the relationship. That any good, authentic kind-hearted, caring, moments, outcomes, etc, had to come from somewhere, and that somewhere was sure as fuck Not Him.

It sounds simple, but it does boil down to that. Somebody brought their A-game to that relationship, and it wasn't them.

As women, we're socialised to 1. Not value ourselves, 2. Let the society SC a whole determine our self-worth, 3. Let our man determine our self-worth.

But, esp in the case of sociopaths, they have no emotions of their own to go with, so they rely on the caring women they're fucking over to provide something to reflect. If you were happy during these times, it was almost entirely because of what YOU were bringing to the table.

@ErrmWTAF

One thing that helped me was to forcibly remind myself that I was also in the relationship. That any good, authentic kind-hearted, caring, moments, outcomes, etc, had to come from somewhere, and that somewhere was sure as fuck Not Him.

It sounds simple, but it does boil down to that. Somebody brought their A-game to that relationship, and it wasn't them.

As women, we're socialised to 1. Not value ourselves, 2. Let the society SC a whole determine our self-worth, 3. Let our man determine our self-worth.

But, esp in the case of sociopaths, they have no emotions of their own to go with, so they rely on the caring women they're fucking over to provide something to reflect. If you were happy during these times, it was almost entirely because of what YOU were bringing to the table.

I've not thought about that before. But it must be true as he bought nothing to the table 😂 apart from the love bombing at the start, he never really did anything after that.

Our first Xmas i got him a PlayStation (because he played mind games) and he got me a candle. I remember being so disappointed yet happy that he was so happy with his new fucking PlayStation making me the best girlfriend ever. Never did I stop and think 'what are you actually bringing to my life?'

That's an excellent point about the happy times being happy because we have made it that way. Thanks for that!

thenarcissisticlife.com/

I found this website extremely helpful in understanding ex narc especially the discard which I never knew was a thing.

Ex narc ended the marriage. He well and truly made sure of that. However, I feel it was me who had to end the relationship. Despite the discard and my acute emotional pain, he expected me to return to the town we were living in for his job and continue all of the wife work, live in the same house as him, and support him with his career. Of course he wanted to be my best friend and talk to me, so he could keep manipulating me.

I refused to speak to him in person or over the phone. Text or email only. 1) to help me emotionally 2) so he couldn't talk me into anything 3) why would I want to speak to him? (Which made him call me mean and nasty) 4) his bullshit is in writing and I can prove it.

I have gone completely gray rock and he hates it. Seriously, why would I want to chat to him about my life? He wasn't interested while we were together. And he would greet me with a 'hi, how are you?'. How do you think I am after the shitty way you have treated me? He didn't care how I was and didn't give a shit about my feelings. I told him to stop pretending he cared.

Text about kids and finances only. Guess who is being a controlling, entitled dick about both?

Ex narc wanted to continue the relationship and all of the benefits to him / keep using me as if the discard hadn't happened. No doubt if I did continue living with him, he would have tried to manipulate me into having sex. Being friends would have played into his narrative that he's still a good guy, that it was a marriage of convenience (his claim after everything I did for the fucker) and that we both knew the marriage wasn't working and he was the brave soul who called time on it for both our sakes (utter bullshit).

The poster who said that all of the happy and positive times were actually what you brought to the table - never was a truer word spoken. They reflect back what you invested, so the love they gave you was actually your love for yourself (I read that on a website and found it a helpful way to look at it).

I've also realised that not only did ex narc ever truly love me, he must never have felt the abundance of love I had for him. What a sad way to be.

Narcissists are deadly dull and have no real friends.
They have zero sense of humour. They can't tell jokes.
They fart.
They steal and lie.
They try to impress new supply with the same old bollocks and usually it works.
They think they're clever but they're thick.
They smell.

@RosesAndHellebores

I never quite managed to discard my narc. It's my mother. I have learnt so much from MNet. I was never able to be the beautiful, bubbly party girl she wanted. Subversively controlling to get her own way. Everyone thought she was perfect because of the picture painted. She's fallen out with a lot of people over the years. I always go back because she's my mother. I never fully understood until my first baby was in my arms and I looked at him with so much love my heart nearly burst and knew I could never say anything to purposefully dig at or hurt him. I cried for hours knowing I had never been so loved. It was the first drop of the penny. I was nearly 35.

My epitaph will say "she tried to please her mother, she never could".

@Roses - my (1st, as it 'primed me for my marriage) Narc was my Mother too. She's 82 now I'm 54. She's still the same. I'm mostly able to protect myself these days but she can still reduce me to that unloved 5 yo in seconds if I'm not careful. Let's make a pact not to let pur Mother's control our Epitaphs though xxx

@hurtingmama I think you are in a similar situation to me, you are in the early stages of healing. For me the jigsaw pieces are beginning to slot together in my brain but because i.am emotionally healthy, my heart isn't ready to follow what i know. I loved him with all my heart but I have codependency issues that he has made worse. I openly admit that he became my entire world and I truly believe thats exactly what he wanted. They dont have empathy and are incapable of.emotional thinking so they dont have the connection we do. They are called emotional vampires because they take our emotions. I still feel obsessed with him and I still cry daily. It's natural to be like this I believe and we have to believe it will get better xxx

I openly admit that he became my entire world and I truly believe thats exactly what he wanted.

It's what they all want, he has done his job well

I hated mine towards the end, absolutely fucking hated him, but I was still upset when the marriage ended. I think it was trauma bonding, that and we'd been together a long time. Although he ended things he still had to ask "Do you want me to go?" so that I would be the one who made him leave. They can't take any responsibility at all. They're pathetic.

I agree with all that you say 13years.

I don't know if any of you listen to hg tudor on youtube but there is one video I recommend and it's called Accepting this frees you from the narcissist. Its brutally honest but true x

@JLBear12

I don't know if any of you listen to hg tudor on youtube but there is one video I recommend and it's called Accepting this frees you from the narcissist. Its brutally honest but true x

I will give that a listen, thank you.

I also listen to mental healness on YouTube - he's a diagnosed narcissist but actually try's to help people who are in a narc relationship or who have left. He's really good, very addictive to watch.

This thread has helped so much I think there should always be a narc thread on here as it's so toxic and really can help.

@Orgasmagorical I can openly admit he did his job really well but I have to accept my enabling of it. I have a disabled daughter (not his) and I thought who else would want me with the additional responsibility. At first he was like oh shes wonderful etc etc but over time I think he saw her as an inconvenience. If I think about it now, i think the right person would accept her too xx

[quote JLBear12]@Orgasmagorical I can openly admit he did his job really well but I have to accept my enabling of it. I have a disabled daughter (not his) and I thought who else would want me with the additional responsibility. At first he was like oh shes wonderful etc etc but over time I think he saw her as an inconvenience. If I think about it now, i think the right person would accept her too xx[/quote]
Exactly the same. I have a dc with sen. He was lovely at first. Ended up bullying him, in a jokey clever way. He used to joke that he was going to get rid of our much loved family pet. My sen child has no real friends, he loves animals so you can imagine how cruel that is.

Also if my ds ever had a day out planned, he would always joke it was cancelled.

'Oh I've just checked, your trains cancelled so you're not going now'

Would always do the same as Xmas 'no Santa coming to this house this year'

I feel disgusted with myself for not standing up to him. But now I'm out, I can see how awful he treated my dc. There was no love there which when it was over, he fully admitted to now showing my dc any love. But if we got back together, he would absolutely change this and start showing love and being a father

Absolutely no chance mate....

@hurtingmama my girl is none verbal so doesnt really understand much. But her anxiety is so much better. PM me if you want to chat xx

but I have to accept my enabling of it

JLBear you didn't go out looking for someone like this, when you met him he was nice, his abuse started as tiny little pushes, probably so small you wouldn't notice, then you'd start thinking "No, he wouldn't have meant that, he's too nice", etc etc. We are groomed by these people to accept their behaviour and we often have backgrounds that haven't taught us what healthy relationships are like so I don't think we are to blame. We know how confusing it is when we're in the relationship, we don't know which way is up, all whilst trying to get through day to day living.

They choose their victims with great care ...

@orgasmagorical he used to ghost me to go out drinking with his friends, just walk out the door and that was it. He knew I was trapped inside with my daughter. I honestly thought when he stopped drinking things were better but I realised I was just so far gone I didnt even acknowledge the snide remarks and the silent treatments, like I had become accustomed to it and I was just grateful for his presence. He treated me like a maid in the end xx

@hurtingmama my dog is my baby, my first daughter had cerebral palsy and I bought her for her, when my dd passed away suddenly the dog got me through and he knew that. He used to say (as a joke) shall we send her to the dogs home and shes just a.dog etc, now I am.not too sure it was a joke, just said to upset me x

[quote JLBear12]@hurtingmama my dog is my baby, my first daughter had cerebral palsy and I bought her for her, when my dd passed away suddenly the dog got me through and he knew that. He used to say (as a joke) shall we send her to the dogs home and shes just a.dog etc, now I am.not too sure it was a joke, just said to upset me x[/quote]
So sorry, what a tough time you've had

Absolutely disgusting behaviour.

I lost a baby to him, he never spoke to me about it until I left. Then he told me he thinks about our baby all the time. Just using it as a way to get at me.

These men are disgusting. As hurtful as it is now, just imagine yourself still there and stuck in it.

@JLBear12 you are doing the right thing writing all these things down as you remember them. There is something about seeing it actually written down which makes you realise even more what a wanker he was.

JLBear what a bastard. Fucking scum. There are no words

She died suddenly on Christmas day and every december he would cause issues with drinking and that. One December he even walked out for a week with no care xx

He knew I had a real issue with his drinking and when he quit, occasionally he would say I may go get pissed to get a reaction out of me and then say you are so easy to wind up x