Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don’t want my kids to meet my ex’s partner

422 replies

Mumshine101 · 29/01/2022 18:19

My ex and I split 15 months ago, we have 2 young kids together (under 5) the split was mutual, but he moved on pretty quickly after our split.

He now wants his new partner to meet our kids (they have been seeing each other for almost a year. I do not want her to meet the kids, I think it’s too soon, he disagrees and says it will be happening regardless of what I say. He says I’m trying to be controlling

What can I do here? I don’t want them meeting her. Can I stop it from happening? What can I do if he introduces her without my consent?

OP posts:
altmember · 30/01/2022 00:53

He says I’m trying to be controlling
He's right - you are being controlling. Are you like this with other co parenting matters too?

We don’t have a contact order in place, we have worked it out ourselves to this point. If he doesn’t respect my wishes, would it go against him if he went for contact order?
Why would he go for a contact order when he already has contact? Unless you're suggesting that you'll try to withhold contact because you don't want the kids to meet his partner?

I’ve considered asking to meet her
I can't imagine anything more awkward. How do you think it will help? Are you going to interview her and assess her suitability? It's not going to change anything, not like you can prevent them from being introduced.

saraclara · 30/01/2022 01:24

He's waited a year. That's really responsible.
He's told you first. Again, responsible and honest.

So on one hand we have a good, responsible and straightforward ex, and an astonishingly controlling MNer. Is that a first?

I don't know why you think that you have any say I this at all. And if it was you with a new partner that you've been seeing for a year, and your ex tried to ban you from introducing your kids to him, I very much doubt you'd accept that.

You seem to have a rather hierarchical approach to parenting. You don't get more say than he does. And if you go to court it would end very badly.

A post about introducing kids to a new partner where everyone believes the ex to be reasonable and you to be spectacularly unreasonable, does not bode well for you coming out with the result you'd want from a judge.

buddylicious · 30/01/2022 01:45

To be honest it sounds like you're jealous.

If you carry on like this you are going to cause all sorts of problems between yourself, your ex, his partner and your kids. Surely you want your kids to have a happy time with their dad and for them to have someone kind in their life?

It sounds as though you need to accept the situation and possibly work towards having a good relationship with your ex's new partner.

veevee04 · 30/01/2022 02:02

It hasn't happened to me but I totally empathise with how you feel OP. You have probably been the primary carer for the children even while you were together, so you are struggling with the thought of another woman being involved with your kids . When I've read the step parenting board a few have admitted they resent the step kids just existing which would worry me.

That being said people have a right to move on , you included OP. You have to think what's the best for the kids and that's remaining neutral. You need to let go of control , as long as the kids are safe that's all that matters.

When he has his contact days make sure you are doing things for you and taking care of yourself then plaster a smile when the kids come back.

DropYourSword · 30/01/2022 02:06

I'm sorry OP, but on this one you are being controlling.
There's no reason he needs to gain your consent and it does sound like you're trying to be awkward and punish him simply using the kids as an excuse.

TheresSomebodyAtTheDoorNeil · 30/01/2022 02:27

What you can do is push your Jealousy aside and let your ex parent as he sees fit.

You do not piss about making up rules as you go along, you can't protect them from every, little thing. And you certainly can't stop your kids dad from introducing them to somebody who poses no threat........ Time to put your big girl pants on and grow the hell up.

SD1978 · 30/01/2022 02:39

He's in a log term relationship, and has moved on. There are no safety concerns, and it sounds like they will be living together soon. This is his decision to make, and not yours. He's given you a heads up, and you need to respect that he is also trying to make the best decision for his children, which is introducing them to his partner. Would you feel more comfortable if you met/ had a conversation with her first? They don't owe you that, but may be willing to facilitate it? But ultimately it'll still be his choice and you need to find a way to be ok with it for your sake.

melj1213 · 30/01/2022 03:02

It's hard to accept an ex has moved on, but trying to be controlling of his relationship with your children will not make it any better.

My ExDH and I are both currently single but he was in a relationship for about 6 years until she was offered a promotion at work which meant moving literally to the other end of the country - she didn't want a long distance relationship and he didn't want to move that far away from DD again (we were living abroad when we split up - DD and I stayed there while he moved back home so he only saw her one weekend a month and holidays until I also moved back to the UK). He waited about a year to introduce her to DD so that he could make sure that they were actually going to be more than just a 6 month fling before he introduced DD to her. He also told me that he was planning the introduction, not because he wanted my permission or approval but because he wanted me to be aware of the situation so that I could support DD if she needed it.

I appreciated the heads up because while DD wasn't hugely upset, she did have some questions and just wanted that little bit of extra reassurance - because ExDH had told me about his new gf in advance I was prepared for the possibility of questions etc and was able to give much better answers than if I had been blindsided. Equally I was looking more closely at DDs behaviour and picked up on some early clues that she needed a bit of reassurance which I probably would have missed if I hadn't been aware to look out for them.

MrsJaxTellerPlease · 30/01/2022 03:06

He has as much right as you do to make decisions about the children. The kids have had plenty of time to get used to you both being separated. You need to stop reacting and start being reasonable.

Maddiemoosmum0203 · 30/01/2022 03:19

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Cappuccino17 · 30/01/2022 04:06

I'm sorry you're going through this right now. It must be difficult for you to process these feelings. Change isn't easy especially a change like this that involves your children.
But unfortunately you will have to adjust. It might be hard to begin with but you'll get used to it. You will always be the mother to ur children and no o e can take that away from you.
When you meet someone new itl be hard for your ex too but you would want to introduce your children. Your ex has waited a full year. He's been respectful to the children in the sense he wants to make sure he's introducing them to the right one.
It will be okay and you will get through this. There are just some things in life you can't control and you have to set it free. Your children will adjust. And if their relationship with ur ex is good u won't have anything to worry about as he will be looking out for them and maybe just as anxious as u are.

SuPerDoPer · 30/01/2022 05:43

Similar ages to my kids. That’s a really short time line, sorry about that! How did your 5 year old react and respond? Does he/she like his partner now?

They are married now and have 2 kids. Both my kids really get on well with their step mum but there have been some bumps in the road, especially around the pregnancies and with the new babies. Kids often feel excluded when a new baby comes along and my eldest felt the lack of attention quite keenly. They didn't handle it brilliantly. Initally it was all very exciting for them, meeting daddy's new friend. I had lots of expectations to start with, which he agreed to. Because I work in safeguarding I know that "daddy's/mummy's new friend" is not necessarily a safe adult. He agreed that until they knew her better she wasn't to take any caring role (bathing/nappies etc), she wasn't to be in sole care (babysitting, trips out alone) and they weren't to travel in her car. For all I knew she could be a psychopath or a drug addict. He could see that this was a reasonable request given the short time frame but as things have moved on that's all changed and they all muck in.

I really think my DC love their lives with me and with their dad equally and are settled into the routine we have. They particularly adore their little siblings and wouldn't change anything now.

saturdayhelicopter · 30/01/2022 06:25

You need to let go.

Letting the kids get used to the fact that you're separated by making them wait longer is going to wrong foot them massively. Things have moved on past 'mummy and daddy are separated' so it's a bit backwards to slow things down. Because what, you want to wait until they're engaged? Married?

Would you leave it a year if you met a new partner, before introducing them to your children?

Snally82 · 30/01/2022 06:49

My husbands ex tried very very hard to impose rules on when and how I should meet their daughter. It caused severe tension and months of issues, arguments and petty reactions (on both sides of I’m honest). It was far worse for the relationship than letting it just happen in a sensible manner because at the end of the day my now husband wouldn’t have ever done anything is thought would upset his daughter.

When I did meet her it was just for a short period of time which we gradually increased and everything went so smoothly. She was 4 at the time and is now 8, she barely remembers her life being any different. The pain and stress were not worse it, for anyone.

Tabbacause · 30/01/2022 06:58

A year seems like a reasonable amount of time, and 15 months to a young child is ages. They'll be fine.

Fairylightsongs · 30/01/2022 07:10

Op. I’m sorry you’re struggling but this isn’t about the kids.

You need to accept he’s moved on. It’s over, he is with someone else and it’s serious. He isn’t coming back.

Your kids don’t need longer, they are not an excuse to try to stop this.

MooSakah · 30/01/2022 07:10

I just think the kids should have more time to properly settle to the way things are, with mum and dad separated one way of helping the kids come to terms with you not getting back together is for you both to be honest when you've met someone else. There is no point hiding that he's now got a new long term relationship that he obviously feels is going somewhere serious.

Collaborate · 30/01/2022 07:26

I cannot believe this thread has got so long so quickly.

I am a family law solicitor and would gladly take your money to tell you there’s nothing you can do about it. In fact if you don’t sort yourself out your anxieties may cause your child emotional harm.

If you try taking this to court they’ll be looking at you with concern, not him.

ilovemyboys3 · 30/01/2022 07:40

@Collaborate

I cannot believe this thread has got so long so quickly.

I am a family law solicitor and would gladly take your money to tell you there’s nothing you can do about it. In fact if you don’t sort yourself out your anxieties may cause your child emotional harm.

If you try taking this to court they’ll be looking at you with concern, not him.

I work in a firm of solicitors too and tbh I'm pretty sure you wouldn't speak to any clients this way that knew who you were and able to report you for pure rudeness. Pure example of a #keyboardwarrior
BurntToastAgain · 30/01/2022 08:14

I work in a firm of solicitors too and tbh I'm pretty sure you wouldn't speak to any clients this way that knew who you were and able to report you for pure rudeness. Pure example of a #keyboardwarrior

I don’t agree.

A good solicitor will - more diplomatically than is required on MN - should be making it clear that there is nothing a client can do to prevent this. And explain that the way the OP is going about this (i don’t want it to happen/there can be no discussion because I don’t agree/I’m the primary carer so it is up to me/how can I use the legal system to get my way) can be damaging to the children. Extremely damaging. It would, therefore, be best if she sought counselling to help her learn that she’s not in control of everything to do with her children and that’s ok.

The kind of carefully phrasing required for dealing with clients just isn’t necessary on MN. She can be clearer about what the carefully phrased, diplomatic advice actually means.

girlmom21 · 30/01/2022 08:14

@Collaborate

I cannot believe this thread has got so long so quickly.

I am a family law solicitor and would gladly take your money to tell you there’s nothing you can do about it. In fact if you don’t sort yourself out your anxieties may cause your child emotional harm.

If you try taking this to court they’ll be looking at you with concern, not him.

Everyone's already said the exact same thing as you and OP's acknowledged she needs to change her mindset.

You're incredibly unprofessional and quite frankly if this wasn't an anonymous forum you'd be unlikely to get many clients speaking to people that way.

RantyAunty · 30/01/2022 08:16

OP, small children tend to take these things in stride.
The short park meeting seems ideal. They'll be more interested in running around playing.

Your of course are looking at it from an adult perspective. 2 under 5 won't be.

Put on your best enthusiasm and allow them to go. Perhaps have a small surprise for them when they get back. Baking or something.

layladomino · 30/01/2022 08:22

Small children tend to accept what happens as 'normal'. They don't have our world view that anything other than mum and dad being together is 'wrong' or 'weird'.

So long as they are loved, looked after and treated kindly. And given an appropriate amount of information, based on their age and understanding, they will be fine.

However if they can sense that you are upset or annoyed then that will have an affect on them. I'm sure you're making sure they aren't aware this is affecting you. It sounds like your ex is going to make it low-key in the early days, which is sensible. If he and you are both low-key about it, and don't treat it as a big deal, they will be fine. In fact they'll likely deal with it much better than an older child who will ask more questions and analysise change more.

crosbystillsandmash · 30/01/2022 08:22

@Mumshine101
'You let him call them over xmas' ?! You really aren't coming across well on here op!

My goodness, why did he not have them for part of Christmas?
I hope it's his turn to have them for Christmas next year?

SuPerDoPer · 30/01/2022 09:03

If he and you are both low-key about it, and don't treat it as a big deal, they will be fine. In fact they'll likely deal with it much better than an older child who will ask more questions and analysise change more.

I definitely agree with this. My youngest was nearly 2 when we separated and he was introduced to new partner on his 2nd birthday. My eldest was 5.5 and although she took it in her stride she certainly had more questions and realised that the set up was different to most of her friends. Don't drag it out, just get on with it. It's happening, just make sure to answer their questions honestly in a child friendly way without projecting your emotions. They'll be fine.