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Original poster

Don’t want my kids to meet my ex’s partner

422 replies

Mumshine101 · 29/01/2022 18:19

My ex and I split 15 months ago, we have 2 young kids together (under 5) the split was mutual, but he moved on pretty quickly after our split.

He now wants his new partner to meet our kids (they have been seeing each other for almost a year. I do not want her to meet the kids, I think it’s too soon, he disagrees and says it will be happening regardless of what I say. He says I’m trying to be controlling

What can I do here? I don’t want them meeting her. Can I stop it from happening? What can I do if he introduces her without my consent?

OP posts:
KurtWilde · 29/01/2022 20:59

@Prinnny

You sound mental and beyond jealous. At least your children have one sensible parent, waiting a year to introduce a new partner shows your ex is being considerate of the kids.
What's with the nastiness?? There's no need for that at all.
LumosSolem · 29/01/2022 21:03

Honestly, you need to let this go. If the worst thing you can say about your ex is that he is introducing your DC to this woman a year on, you are honestly lucky.

My ex was abusive. Horribly so, emotional abuse mainly. Continued with this in nasty sly ways after we split. He's a crap dad, doesn't see them much and leaves me with all the heavy lifting.

I really wasn't bothered when my kids mentioned meeting his 'friend'. I just felt sorry for her. Kids haven't mentioned her since and didn't seem interested. One of them isn't particularly interested in their dad, they see through the Disney routine already.

Be grateful if your ex is a decent person, doesn't want to make your life difficult and wants to co parent well, and if he is a good dad. Your problems with him seem tiny tbh, compared to what some people have to deal with.

Littlepaws18 · 29/01/2022 21:04

You don't want to make this difficult because your children will pick up on it and it will screw them up in years to come.

It isn't easy but you need to for their sake be reasonable. It's more than reasonable for them to wait a year and if they are moving in together it's important that they build a bond. If you block this you will make your kids lives miserable and they will end up having divided loyalties.

Meet with her, be welcoming put forward your ideas on her role in their lives. Work with the situation rather than against it.

zeg3885 · 29/01/2022 21:11

As a step parent, I met my partners son age 4, after 6 months. It went fine, we got on well but there were hiccups to say the least! And those times were caused directly by the mothers behaviour, for example, he would want to spend time with me, play with me but you would see he was so conflicted and would say “mammy says your nasty”, he didn’t actually call me by my name for a further 12 months because she banned it from her house; he was scared. I wasn’t the OW, I come along after they split. She was extremely bitter and unreasonable and saw herself as the “main parent” with all the control. It’s doesn’t bode well for a positive co parenting relationship with your ex; which if your thinking about the well-being of your children is THE most important thing you can do for them. You both have a say on what you do or who you see in your own time with BOTH of your children. The money you would spend going to court for absolutely no reason would be better spent on your children! Take that from us having spent thousands going to court numerous times because of her unreasonableness. We now have 50/50 custody, he’s 12 now and wants to live with us permanently because he can see the difficulties his mother has caused and still does. They’re only small for a short time, be careful how you handle yourself. Unless there’s a genuine safeguarding concern you cannot do anything about who your ex chooses to bring into their life and vice versa. I hope for your kids sake you can keep a level head, I guess your emotions are all over but as a grown up it’s your job to manage that. Best of luck x

Iamkmackered1979 · 29/01/2022 21:21

What you want is the best thing for your kids. Your ex is going to introduce your kids to her, he sounds pretty reasonable and like he won’t just jump in the deep end with them meeting her/moving in type scenario. You can make this difficult and awkward or you can be reasonable and parent your kids and be amicable with your ex and his new partner. You split amicably so continue to co parent. Deal with things as they come up and try to think before you react.

I get it, it’s difficult. My exs new wife is over ten years younger than me however my children are the important people and I need to be a grown up and understand what is best for them, and that is their parents being reasonable and not using them to score points etc. They have 2 kids of their own now too, all very friendly kids are happy and there’s no animosity. Being the primary carer does not make you the rule maker, you are both your kids parents and he has as much right to introduce his kids to his partner as you would. He’s waited a year which is a long time. He just feel that it is going somewhere. Sorry if you’re finding it hard, it does get easier

Flamingo49 · 29/01/2022 21:29

@AllThingsServeTheBeam if it was just a case of me not liking her then I would have just had to suck it up. If she had said something that seriously worried me then I would have raised it with my ex and tried to resolve it before she met the kids. But to be honest, I presumed she'd be an ok person. It was just something we agreed on doing in our attempts to have open and amicable lines of communication. If the relationship is serious and long-term, I'm sure I'll end up meeting her anyway so why not earlier rather than later? I think it's good to model to the kids that we can all be respectful and get on even though we're not together any more.

beccahamlet · 29/01/2022 21:52

I know it's hard. I've had to do it myself. But you have to put a positive slant on this for the sake of your kids. It will only be a problem if you make it a problem. Encourage your kids to form a good relationship with her.

Honeyroar · 29/01/2022 22:01

He sounds like a pretty sensible dad, he’s waited a while, wants to introduce her somewhere neutral - he’s doing everything right. Including not being dictated to by you. He loves his sons and will be making sure they’re ok. Just be there for them in their life with you, worry about that side, that’s all you are responsible for. They have two parents that love them..

Prinnny · 29/01/2022 22:04

@TheFormidableMrsC

You think I’m ‘the other woman’ because I think the OP is unreasonable?

Okaaaaay. Are you the OP on a dual profile?! Confused

LetHimHaveIt · 29/01/2022 22:08

Yeah, but you didn't say 'unreasonable', did you? You said 'mental' and 'beyond jealous'. Quite nasty, really. Okaaaaay?

Staryflight445 · 29/01/2022 22:18

Why is now not the right time?

Prinnny · 29/01/2022 22:28

@LetHimHaveIt

OP is coming across extremely jealous and controlling as the majority of posters have said.

It’s crazy that she thinks she should have control of her ex of nearly two years life. If the roles were reversed it would full of support for this poor woman who’s controlling ex is trying to dictate her life and preventing her moving on etc etc

So yeah, I don’t think its reasonable, I think it’s mental, stemmed from jelousy and really really not okaaaay Smile

Original poster
Mumshine101 · 29/01/2022 23:04

@Staryflight445

Why is now not the right time?
I just think the kids have had enough change to be honest
OP posts:
DiddyHeck · 29/01/2022 23:08

I just think the kids have had enough change to be honest

This isn't about the kids, it's about you. The kids are under 5 and haven't lived with their parents together for 15 months. Kids are resilient and cope with change far better than most adults. It'll probably be either a fun experience for them or they'll be totally non plussed.

Stop trying to convince yourself it's about the kids.

Original poster
Mumshine101 · 29/01/2022 23:08

@BreadInCaptivity

OP if the catalyst for meeting now is that they are thinking of moving in together it's absolutely the right time to meet.

What you don't want is your children having to meet their fathers new partner when she's already living with them.

Aside from the fact there is nothing you can do to stop him (and trying may potentially count against you in the future) it's much, much better for your children to get to know this person on neutral territory and get to know them gradually rather than be thrust into a living arrangement because you've dug your heels in.

I understand this isn't easy but your Ex doesn't come across as unreasonable here.

You say not now but how much longer do you think he should wait?

Have you said for example in 3 months would be ok? What would be different then? What would change in another year?

I just think the kids should have more time to properly settle to the way things are, with mum and dad separated
OP posts:
DaisyMum40 · 29/01/2022 23:10

@Mumshine101 you keep saying "more time" yet never actually giving what you think is the right amount of time. Honestly, if one year isn't enough, then nothing will be.

OnaBegonia · 29/01/2022 23:16

More time? 15 mths to pre school
aged kids is a lifetime, most can't remember last week!
You're still digging in despite countless PP telling you to get a grip!
How long? 5yrs? 7? or when you meet someone?

Puffflashpuffflashbang · 29/01/2022 23:18

Make your peace with it. If you even consider a solicitor you will look beyond controlling. He's doing nothing wrong, accept it and make it easier for your children to have a decent relationship with their father.

WidgetyWoo · 29/01/2022 23:27

It’s none of your business how it happens, when it happens or when it happens.

You are no longer in a relationship with this man. What he does with his contact time is none of your business, unless your children are unsafe.

WidgetyWoo · 29/01/2022 23:27

*or where it happens

beccahamlet · 29/01/2022 23:52

You've had loads of good advice on here OP. A lot of it from people who have been through the same thing. You can seriously screw your kids up by making them feel bad about having a good time with your ex and his new partner. The best thing you can do for your kids is make them feel happy with the new situation.

TracyMosby · 30/01/2022 00:06

They've had a year to adjust. Theyll be fine

TheTeenageYears · 30/01/2022 00:36

OP can I ask if you have been parenting separately or have spent birthday's/xmas and other times together as a 'family'? Many people seem to do this in MN world and having had my parents divorce as a child I just find it strange. If you have separated your lives then the timing is fine (IMO) but if you've been doing things together as if you were still a 4 then of course it's going to confuse the children.

nalabae · 30/01/2022 00:49

You’re being controlling

Original poster
Mumshine101 · 30/01/2022 00:49

@TheTeenageYears

OP can I ask if you have been parenting separately or have spent birthday's/xmas and other times together as a 'family'? Many people seem to do this in MN world and having had my parents divorce as a child I just find it strange. If you have separated your lives then the timing is fine (IMO) but if you've been doing things together as if you were still a 4 then of course it's going to confuse the children.
I let him call over on Xmas eve and Xmas morning after presents, but otherwise we have kept things separate completely. Eldest sometimes still asks if we will ever get back together again
OP posts: