Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don’t want my kids to meet my ex’s partner

422 replies

Mumshine101 · 29/01/2022 18:19

My ex and I split 15 months ago, we have 2 young kids together (under 5) the split was mutual, but he moved on pretty quickly after our split.

He now wants his new partner to meet our kids (they have been seeing each other for almost a year. I do not want her to meet the kids, I think it’s too soon, he disagrees and says it will be happening regardless of what I say. He says I’m trying to be controlling

What can I do here? I don’t want them meeting her. Can I stop it from happening? What can I do if he introduces her without my consent?

OP posts:
Aphrodite31 · 30/01/2022 09:12

@Mumshine101

I get the feeling they are going to move in together and this is why this is happening now, I’m just not okay with that. I think my kids should have their dad to themselves for a bit longer than introducing someone new
I'm afraid that although it's feeling very hard for you, this is something you're going to have to get used to.

He wants a full life with a partner. She's been with him a year. Nothing has been rushed. If he's waited this long to let the kids even meet her then he's been very sensible.

He's also, IMO, probably tried to give you time to get your head together.

This is a critical junction now for you and your children. How you react now will affect your kids more seriously than you can imagine.

What you need to do for your kids now is NOT to fight with him or resist this.

You need to fight YOUR instincts of jealousy. You are a mother defending the father snd kids against another 'mother'. You cannot let yourself do this.

Cooperation and respect between you and him is an amazing gift that you have the power now to give to your kids.

My very strong advice to you would be:

Change your tune with him right now.
Say you're sorry, you know this had to come and of course you are ok with it.
Say you appreciate him having waited so long.
Say you think it's best for the kids if he could make sure he's always positive about you to the kids, and that she is.
Say you'll do the same and be positive about them.

And then don't make any big deal AT ALL about it with the kids.

'Oh did you meet (x)? That's nice.'
Nothing more. Bite your tongue.

You could be helped by some private counselling for your own feelings.

I'm afraid these are the new challenges you'll face in jot being together with him. But in time maybe you'll have a new partner. And you'll want him to be in your life. You are entitled to that, as is your ex.

Flip it: how would you feel if you met a guy and didn't let him meet the kids for a year and then your ex said he'd take you to court if you dared let the kids meet your boyfriend?

It's not reasonable. You MUST behave differently.

Or don't, but it will lead to years of misery for you, and especially for your little ones. They need the adults around them to get on.

Cardboardf0x · 30/01/2022 09:54

I think you need to accept this is going to happen but there is also nothing wrong with telling him that you are the kids mother and setting some ground rules so that she doesn't over step. He will probably do the same when you have a partner too.

mrsrat · 30/01/2022 09:55

Stop trying to control him he's not your husband any more.

KurtWilde · 30/01/2022 10:03

My goodness, why did he not have them for part of Christmas?
I hope it's his turn to have them for Christmas next year?

Maybe he didn't want them over Christmas! My exh has always come here at Christmas as he doesn't 'do' Christmas and knows the DC would rather be at home anyway. I actually don't know anyone who does the alternating Christmas thing.

Snally82 · 30/01/2022 10:21

We do alternating Christmases as do many people I know :)

Fearnyleaves · 30/01/2022 10:31

Everyone I know who is divorced or had divorced parents does/did alternating Christmas/NewYear/Birthdays. It's completely the norm.

sociallydistained · 30/01/2022 10:34

Without doubt when you meet someone I bet they meet the kids before a year!

If you go for a contact order or anything like that your behaviour will go against you in this as unreasonable. You need to chill out and let it happen.

roastingmichael · 30/01/2022 10:36

@Mumshine101 I know you're finding this hard but you do need to accept that at this stage it doesn't really matter if you don't think it's the right decision.
He isn't doing anything wrong and has been really sensible and respectful here.

I do think it's time to get past the thoughts that it shouldn't happen and get on board with supporting the plan.

Your kids will look to your response to know how they should.

KurtWilde · 30/01/2022 10:39

Literally don't know anyone who does alternating Christmases! Anyway that's off topic, I was just pointing out that maybe the ex doesn't want to do alternating Christmases. Or maybe it hasn't come up yet because they've only been separated 15 months.

Either way, OP knows she'll have to make peace with the changes occurring in her DCs life, but I don't think anyone has the right to minimise how she's feeling. It's still quite new and there'll be a lot more to navigate as co-parents as the kids get older.

DiddyHeck · 30/01/2022 11:21

My goodness, why did he not have them for part of Christmas?
I hope it's his turn to have them for Christmas next year?

They're parenting, not playing a game of Monopoly. What I 'hope' is that they'll continue to do whatever they think is best for the children.

crosbystillsandmash · 30/01/2022 11:28

@KurtWilde

My goodness, why did he not have them for part of Christmas? I hope it's his turn to have them for Christmas next year?

Maybe he didn't want them over Christmas! My exh has always come here at Christmas as he doesn't 'do' Christmas and knows the DC would rather be at home anyway. I actually don't know anyone who does the alternating Christmas thing.

Coming over to see your dc at Christmas isn't really the same as op offering her ex a phone call Hmm
crosbystillsandmash · 30/01/2022 11:30

@DiddyHeck

My goodness, why did he not have them for part of Christmas? I hope it's his turn to have them for Christmas next year?

They're parenting, not playing a game of Monopoly. What I 'hope' is that they'll continue to do whatever they think is best for the children.

Ridiculous post. Court ordered contact will almost always be half of all school holidays and every other Christmas. Presumably you can see that is a fair arrangement for separated parents (and their dc!) rather than a game of monopoly?!
KurtWilde · 30/01/2022 11:35

I let him call over on Xmas eve and Xmas morning after presents,

This is what OP said, he called over. In my neck of the woods that means he visited.

And OP has said it isn't court ordered visitation so how they decide to do it is entirely up to them. Kids aren't objects to 'take turns' with.

Lampshading · 30/01/2022 11:45

As has been said you can't control what he does, but as it goes I don't think there's an ideal time- those worries and emotions don't fizzle away because an arbitrary amount of time has passed. But honestly I think you'll be surprised by how well your children adapt and take it in their stride, I would say they're at the ideal ages. I do empathise as I felt the same, but now as time has passed their now step mother is a genuinely brilliant person, they enjoy spending time with her and their dad is a lot happier (I can admit we weren't the best match). I have also married someone else and I think having been respectful of ex and his partner helped as it was also smooth for me.

ilovemyboys3 · 30/01/2022 11:58

@KurtWilde

I let him call over on Xmas eve and Xmas morning after presents,

This is what OP said, he called over. In my neck of the woods that means he visited.

And OP has said it isn't court ordered visitation so how they decide to do it is entirely up to them. Kids aren't objects to 'take turns' with.

I completely agree. Children have feelings and deserve to be treated with respect. It's not "it's my Christmas this year" it's doing what's best for young children at the time and as things develop things may change but the op and her ex may feel it's best for them at home. My sons dad and I separated when he was 2 he is now 7. He's never had him Xmas Eve or Xmas day. My son expresses the wish to be at home and we both respect that. Kids aren't pawns to push from here to there.
Donutsforbreakfast · 30/01/2022 11:59

You're being totally unreasonable, you're coming across as jealous and controlling.
How about teaching your kids that adults can get along, that their mum and dad can actually behave maturely and have a good relationship despite no longer being together. As you said, your split was mutual so why start needlessly souring what could be an amicable co-parenting partnership. How about actually getting to know your exes new partner, if she's going to be in your kids lives it will make things a lot easier.
I can tell you this from the perspective of someone who now has a great relationship with my ex and his now wife. My child was small when we split and we made it work, for our child and for us. Our child sees us all happy, communicating and getting on, which is lovely for her. It's so much less stressful for everyone. Or you can spend the next 10 + years or so being resentful and bitter. Seems like an easy choice to me.

DiddyHeck · 30/01/2022 12:00

@crosbystillsandmash literally no-one was talking about 'court ordered contact'. My reply was to "I hope it's his turn to have them for Christmas next year?"

Therefore rather than 'turns' between adults, I would hope the children are put first. If you're one of these rigid 'But rules are rules' parents then that's fine but I don't believe these things should be written in stone as that's rarely best for the kids. It's sounds as though the OP and her ex were putting the kids first regardless of whose 'turn' it may/may not be.

LindaEllen · 30/01/2022 12:03

@Mumshine101

So even if I’ve expressed that I don’t want it to happen, as primary carer, and he goes ahead and does it, there’s nothing I can do? I suggested mediation to discuss it and he said no. Should I contact a solicitor?
No.

It's NONE of your business when your ex partner decides to introduce HIS kids to his new partner. What he does in his time with them is his business, and that's that. Don't get a solicitor. Don't try to block it.

pastypirate · 30/01/2022 12:32

Jesus. There's nothing for the kids to get used to if dad is about to move in with his partner.

I think waiting a year and suggesting a casual meet in a soft play is very reasonable.

You sound incredibly controlling but in the few tears post divorce I was like that too. Best thing I ever did for my kids was remove them pole from up my arse and let my exh co parent.

secular39 · 30/01/2022 12:42

To be honest, he should not have told you.

pastypirate · 30/01/2022 12:53

So even if I’ve expressed that I don’t want it to happen, as primary carer, and he goes ahead and does it, there’s nothing I can do? I suggested mediation to discuss it and he said no. Should I contact a solicitor?

I also think you should do some reading about parental responsibility etc. I'm not being patronising or facetious. I think as an adult you are entitled to know where you stand x

youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/01/2022 13:00

@pastypirate

Jesus. There's nothing for the kids to get used to if dad is about to move in with his partner.

I think waiting a year and suggesting a casual meet in a soft play is very reasonable.

You sound incredibly controlling but in the few tears post divorce I was like that too. Best thing I ever did for my kids was remove them pole from up my arse and let my exh co parent.

I think this is a really honest and important post for OP to read and take on board.
Inthesameboatatmo · 30/01/2022 13:07

My ex introduced his new girlfriend after 3 weeks of dating her. Only left the family home 4 weeks before that. I was massively pissed off but nothing I could do about it.
You need to just be there for the kids and help them adjust if needed.
Sorry but his life is nothing to do with you anymore and how you live your life is nothing to do with him.

jevoudrais · 30/01/2022 13:08

I empathise OP. I can totally see why you feel as you do, but you have no right to stop this.

Focus on the positives, it's good they have been together a year first. Your ex and this new partner could get married and have children - this is a chance for your children to start building a relationship with the new partner before that happens, which would help build a strong foundation before any half siblings are on the scene and the difficult tensions that can come with blended families.

I would feel like you do, but it is unreasonable. It's a shit situation, nobody wants this Thanks

givemepiece · 30/01/2022 13:19

OP, look at it this way. It's a better idea for them to meet the gf now and get used to her rather than withholding the children from their dads new relationship and by the time they eventually DO meet her she's pregnant and has moved in. Nobody knows what will but.... That would be much more difficult to deal with!