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Original poster

Don’t want my kids to meet my ex’s partner

422 replies

Mumshine101 · 29/01/2022 18:19

My ex and I split 15 months ago, we have 2 young kids together (under 5) the split was mutual, but he moved on pretty quickly after our split.

He now wants his new partner to meet our kids (they have been seeing each other for almost a year. I do not want her to meet the kids, I think it’s too soon, he disagrees and says it will be happening regardless of what I say. He says I’m trying to be controlling

What can I do here? I don’t want them meeting her. Can I stop it from happening? What can I do if he introduces her without my consent?

OP posts:
Kinneddar · 29/01/2022 20:25

If he doesn’t respect my wishes, would it go against him if he went for contact order

Ofcourse it wouldn't. Why should your wishes trump his. I agree with pp in that if anything you'd be the one coming out of looking worse.

Hes waited a year and he's given you prior notice of his plans, he's doing it right. You're going to just have to accept it

Original poster
Mumshine101 · 29/01/2022 20:26

@LiG123

Has she got children? Seen a similar thread in reverse 👀
No, she has no kids. I saw the post you are talking about but no it doesn’t seem like the same situation.
OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 29/01/2022 20:26

My ex and I split up 10 years ago for OW. He waited 6 months before introducing the children and told me first out of respect - he didn't have to.

I wasn't thrilled at the time but I wasn't particularly bothered either.

10 years on, the youngest has a really good relationship.with her step.mum. she's a very different person to keep and has a very different relationship with her.

My ex is still at pains to tells me that our daughter is hugely loyal to me and all the adults speak positively about each other to her.

I'm glad she has a good relationship with his partner.

What are you worried about?

Rtmhwales · 29/01/2022 20:27

I wouldn't ask to meet her honestly. Just let it happen organically. DP's ex demanded I had to meet her. I said no, it's been 2 years now we've lived together and I still won't meet her because she's been pushy and controlling.

We only told DP's XW when I moved in. His boys were 3.5 and 6. We'd been dating almost two years and I met them around the 1 year mark. His littlest didn't remember his parents together and the oldest didn't mind in the least. The oldest constantly asked me to move in and was thrilled when I did. Then we let his XW know. We had both assumed DSS had let her know that I was on the scene as we spent regular time together but apparently he hadn't mentioned it much so she had no idea (or so she says). I have an excellent relationship with DP's two boys (the eldest even asked to call me mum, which I declined in favour of his mother's likely feelings). Neither child was traumatized by me meeting them or moving in. Little kids adapt very easily.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 29/01/2022 20:28

OP, there is no situation. You're making one when there shouldn't be one.

GreyCarpet · 29/01/2022 20:29

@Kinneddar

If he doesn’t respect my wishes, would it go against him if he went for contact order

Ofcourse it wouldn't. Why should your wishes trump his. I agree with pp in that if anything you'd be the one coming out of looking worse.

Hes waited a year and he's given you prior notice of his plans, he's doing it right. You're going to just have to accept it

Totally agree. The bottom line is that they your not your (singular) children, they are your (plural) children and he has a such right to makendecisins for them as you do. You are not the priority parent nor do you hold any parenting authority over him.

I'm surprised that you think you would.

Frannibananni · 29/01/2022 20:31

Sorry you don’t get to control your expartners life any more and even if he isn’t the primary carer he still gets to do as he chooses with his children when he has them. Don’t cause a fuss or problems with your children meeting her, it just causes turmoil for the children, your partner will do what ever he wants anyway. Don’t be the reason your children are unhappy.

ancientgran · 29/01/2022 20:31

When I got divorced it never occurred to me to tell my ex that I was seeing someone else or when he met the children. It wouldn't have occurred to me to expect him to do it either.

You both have to get on with your lives and that includes new relationships if they happen. The thing that will almost always be best for the children is to move on but to keep a reasonable relationship with your ex. Obviously not everyone can do that the ex might be violent or something but in normal circumstances the children follow the adults and if you are OK with each other and happy with your own life the children are very likely to follow.

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 29/01/2022 20:35

@Mumshine101

I did want him back, I don’t now. I just don’t think it’s the right time for the kids. We have only been separated for 15 months and in my view they are still adjusting to this new life. He should wait longer
Just out of curiosity, how long do you think he should wait?
Prinnny · 29/01/2022 20:37

You sound mental and beyond jealous. At least your children have one sensible parent, waiting a year to introduce a new partner shows your ex is being considerate of the kids.

flowery · 29/01/2022 20:37

”We can’t discuss how it will happen because I don’t agree it should happen.”

So once you accept it is happening, perhaps you’ll be able to discuss how it happens, and if you have any concerns about how your ex is planning to do it, express those.

He sounds pretty reasonable, waiting a year and then at least attempting to discuss it with you first.

thefourgp · 29/01/2022 20:40

You should be grateful he’s dating someone nice who will probably be kind to your kids. That’s what matters. You’re being unreasonable. It’s good for kids to see their parents move on from an unhappy relationship into a happy/healthy one.

sofakingcool · 29/01/2022 20:40

@Mumshine101

By sounds of things I’m going to have to try and get on board with it. I just really don’t feel like it’s the right time and can’t believe there’s nothing I can do with such a big step in my children’s lives. I wouldn’t express negativity to my children though
It's part of bringing up children with someone you're no longer with - you have to accept that there will be things that you no longer have a say on. It's weird at the beginning, it doesn't feel natural over some things, but you just have to move on from it. Been there, got the T-shirt and matching cap.

A year isn't too soon, he is within his rights to introduce his girlfriend to his children. Like someone said before, keep things light and airy, don't show your worries and be prepared for any questions

Flamingo49 · 29/01/2022 20:42

@Glitterygreen

Why would anybody need to "take away power" by meeting a new gf?

This is exactly the reason why people refuse to meet exes, it's not a power struggle, it's literally just a new gf meeting her bf's kids for an afternoon!!

Nobody needs to try and 'take her power away', whatever that even means.

@Glitterygreen I think you misunderstood my point. What I meant was, when you imagine what someone is like you can create a fantasy image and build it up into something more than it is. And then when you meet them, your realise they're just a normal human being (hopefully!).
BreadInCaptivity · 29/01/2022 20:43

OP if the catalyst for meeting now is that they are thinking of moving in together it's absolutely the right time to meet.

What you don't want is your children having to meet their fathers new partner when she's already living with them.

Aside from the fact there is nothing you can do to stop him (and trying may potentially count against you in the future) it's much, much better for your children to get to know this person on neutral territory and get to know them gradually rather than be thrust into a living arrangement because you've dug your heels in.

I understand this isn't easy but your Ex doesn't come across as unreasonable here.

You say not now but how much longer do you think he should wait?

Have you said for example in 3 months would be ok? What would be different then? What would change in another year?

Duchess379 · 29/01/2022 20:46

@Mumshine101

So even if I’ve expressed that I don’t want it to happen, as primary carer, and he goes ahead and does it, there’s nothing I can do? I suggested mediation to discuss it and he said no. Should I contact a solicitor?

What are you expecting the solicitor to do? Ban your ex from having a relationship until the kids are 18??? You're not showing yourself in a good light I'm afraid.

Flamingo49 · 29/01/2022 20:47

@Mumshine101 the kids were 2 and 5. To all the people saying it's a weird thing to do, it wasn't. My ex and I both agreed it was a positive thing for both of us to meet new partners before they were introduced to the kids. Yes it wasn't the most fun hour of my life but I got to put a face to the name, we talked a bit about the kids, I saw that she was a normal person and I felt happy about her being introduced to the kids. All good really.

KateMcCallister · 29/01/2022 20:48

@WonderfulYou

I completely get what you’re saying but there is literally nothing you can do about it.

If anything the more you express your concerns, the more he’ll do it just to annoy you and make out like you’re the crazy ex.

If it was me I would have to be a bit petty and text him apologising that you were in the wrong and you know he’d only ever introduce the DCs to someone decent who he’s planning on staying with long term - if you act ok with it he will be secretly annoyed. It smell also show your DC you are supportive of each other and he can’t say nothing when you find a new partner.

Secretly annoyed? Why?

I wasn't secretly annoyed when my ex was fine with our kids meeting my now DH, I was secretly absolutely relieved as I thought he'd try to make things difficult.

OP You have no right to ask to meet her first, either. She might be nice and agree to meeting but if she says no it's not a reflection on her, given your attitude.

What he does during his time with his children is his business, the same way what you do with your children when they're with you is yours.

You sound bitter and controlling.

autienotnaughty · 29/01/2022 20:48

Very unreasonable. I introduced my dh to my dc after six months because i was serious about him and realised I needed to let them have a relationship with him before I would know if this would work long term.

You can't stop him introducing her to kids. You need to do what's best for your dc which is be supportive. Including being supportive of any relationship they may have with his gf.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 29/01/2022 20:49

[quote Flamingo49]@Mumshine101 the kids were 2 and 5. To all the people saying it's a weird thing to do, it wasn't. My ex and I both agreed it was a positive thing for both of us to meet new partners before they were introduced to the kids. Yes it wasn't the most fun hour of my life but I got to put a face to the name, we talked a bit about the kids, I saw that she was a normal person and I felt happy about her being introduced to the kids. All good really.[/quote]
Glad it worked out, but what happened if you didn't like her? The outcome would've been the same anyway I am assuming?

upupandawaytoday · 29/01/2022 20:50

I wish my ex waited a year!! Hell I would have been happy with 6 months but he waited mere weeks and even made them sleep in her flat on a sofa bed. He didn't tell me and it only came to light when the dc were coming home with flea bites (there's another story there!). it has resulted in lots of conflict, solicitors, consent orders and lots of heartache (not to mention cost) which would have been avoided if he had put the children first. It is only now he realises how wrong he was and only because he is planning to end it with her. It would have been a whole different story if he waited a year. It's quite courteous for him to tell you and quite sensible to wait as long as he has.

I get how your feeling I really do but from someone who has been through it, take a breath and step back. Your anger will only create more problems

LittleMissMoggy · 29/01/2022 20:53

OP.... Please don't be that mother/ex. For clarity you are being unbelievably unreasonable.

TheFormidableMrsC · 29/01/2022 20:56

@Prinnny

You sound mental and beyond jealous. At least your children have one sensible parent, waiting a year to introduce a new partner shows your ex is being considerate of the kids.
Are you an OW? What a shit thing to say.
harrystylestaylorswift · 29/01/2022 20:58

Do they want to meet her?

KurtWilde · 29/01/2022 20:58

What you don't want is your children having to meet their fathers new partner when she's already living with them.

Which is the situation with my exh, who moved his girlfriend in at the start of lockdown 2020 having known her a fortnight. I kid you not.