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Original poster

Don’t want my kids to meet my ex’s partner

422 replies

Mumshine101 · 29/01/2022 18:19

My ex and I split 15 months ago, we have 2 young kids together (under 5) the split was mutual, but he moved on pretty quickly after our split.

He now wants his new partner to meet our kids (they have been seeing each other for almost a year. I do not want her to meet the kids, I think it’s too soon, he disagrees and says it will be happening regardless of what I say. He says I’m trying to be controlling

What can I do here? I don’t want them meeting her. Can I stop it from happening? What can I do if he introduces her without my consent?

OP posts:
Lostmyway86 · 30/01/2022 13:24

A year?!?!? Seriously OP there is nothing you can do, he is entitled as their father to introduce them to whoever he likes. As are you. I met my DSDs when they were 3 and 5, after being with DH for 2 months. We're now 6 years down the line, married with our own DC. I still don't think that was too soon as at least I knew what I was getting into to some extent. My DSDs mum introduced them to her new partner even earlier and they are still together to this day. You have to let this go, a solicitor will not be able to stop it. You really can't get involved with your ex's life in this way.

rainbowlou · 30/01/2022 13:33

Them meeting her and having potentially, another loving adult in their lives isn’t a negative thing.
I think he has been very reasonable in asking you your feelings because he could have just
Introduced them all without you knowing.
My ex introduced my dd to a different girlfriend practically every month, each one was the love his life and going to be her stepmum!

Eesha · 30/01/2022 13:36

Op, my ex asked me after a year if he could introduce his gf. I actually knew he wouldn't do it lightly. I cried actually but I think part of it was I hadn't got anyone myself. Anyway, she's kind to them and that's all I want. The children are happy too. Sometimes you just have to let it go.

Layza101 · 30/01/2022 13:49

My ex met someone around 4/5 months ago, he has moved in with her and they are now engaged. He introduced the kids very quickly to her, but I didn't stop him, as to be honest it's none of my business and as long as I know the children are safe with him and happy, then I'm happy.

OnaBegonia · 30/01/2022 13:58

I let him call over on Xmas eve and Xmas morning after presents
Let him? how kind of you!!
I think you're using the DC as a way of keeping control over him, now that you definitely won't be getting back together, this is your last grasp at control.

LadyT27 · 30/01/2022 14:36

You are being totally unreasonable. How long is long enough?

This clearly isn’t about the children. It’s about you and sound jealous that he is in a long term relationship.

You have no right to tell him or control what he does with his time with the kids unless they are in danger.

Move on.

harriethoyle · 30/01/2022 14:58

Your ex has behaved impeccably and you are being utterly unreasonable. If you carry on with this resistance, which is unjustified, you will damage your children. Grow up and put them first.

mandajmo · 30/01/2022 15:02

II don't think this is about your kids at all. I understand how someone you once loved moving on can be difficult. Especially if you haven't. I think you should be happy for him and your kids. I am a SM and have been for 18 years. I wasn't the OW but my husbands ex acted as though I was for a short time. She was always was the decision maker in their relationship and didn't enjoy relinquishing that power. My SD was 8 when we met. We have and always had a great relationship.

Frankola · 30/01/2022 15:05

Waiting a year is very respectful of you in my opinion.
He doesn't need your consent to introduce her to his kids on his time.

altmember · 30/01/2022 15:16

For perspective my ex introduced our kids to the new partner within a couple of weeks. Then they got married within 6 weeks. Didn't even have the courtesy to tell me, and told the kids to keep the wedding a secret! Remarkably, they are still together three years later, but it's not what I'd call a healthy relationship or positive role models. Nothing I can do about any of it though.

Nomoreusernames1244 · 30/01/2022 15:22

For perspective my ex introduced our kids to the new partner within a couple of weeks. Then they got married within 6 weeks. Didn't even have the courtesy to tell me, and told the kids to keep the wedding a secret!

Dh’s ex introduced the kids before they split, he moved in the night she told dh to “stay at his parents for the weekend as she needed a break”. Dh left with an overnight bag and has never been allowed back in that house!

I think a year is fine o/p.

Blueuggboots · 30/01/2022 15:26

When do you think it would be an appropriate time?

tsmainsqueeze · 30/01/2022 15:27

@Mumshine101

I guess I’m worried about what my eldest will think or feel
Your reluctance could cause more problems in the long term , she could become a positive influence in their lives. If you show animosity from the onset you will set yourself up for trouble, by acting neutral , dare i say even friendly ,the transition in your kids lives may be so much smoother . My husbands ex was a total pain in the arse ,for no reason other than thats her nature , its no issue in our lives now but looking back it could have been so much happier for all involved .
SarahBellam · 30/01/2022 15:35

You need to reframe your thinking. This woman is likely to be in your children's lives for a long time. It would be better for you to be positive about their meeting and help it to go smoothly so they're happy and comfortable, and they and you can form a good relationship with her for your children's benefit. Don't ask you meet her. It sounds like you want to vet her before you bestow your blessing and that's not appropriate, though it is likely you'll meet at some point. You may even like her and she may be a great influence on your children.

A year is plenty of time and your ex is informing you as a courtesy, not seeking your permission - because why would he need to do that when he's their dad and perfectly entitled to introduce them to anyone he likes?

TimBoothseyes · 30/01/2022 15:45

Well there is nothing you can do to prevent your children meeting her so you have a choice. Accept it, say nothing negative about either their dad or his girlfriend in front of the children and let them enjoy the time they have with him OR carry on being resentful put conditions on his time with them, risk being taken to court for more access and mess with your children's heads.....which to you consider to be the better option for your little ones?

m1shap3 · 30/01/2022 15:45

To be fair, it might be soon for you but 15 months is a long time for a child.
Also, at this age, they'd also be able to cope if suddenly dad's girlfriend wasn't around any more. The same way if they didn't see one of your friends or relatives again really. As long as they've always got their mum and dad around they'll be fine

Original poster
Mumshine101 · 30/01/2022 15:58

@KurtWilde

My goodness, why did he not have them for part of Christmas? I hope it's his turn to have them for Christmas next year?

Maybe he didn't want them over Christmas! My exh has always come here at Christmas as he doesn't 'do' Christmas and knows the DC would rather be at home anyway. I actually don't know anyone who does the alternating Christmas thing.

He had them Boxing Day. There’s no way I’m giving up Christmas Day with our kids. It’s not a compromise I’m willing to make. That’s why I let him come over for Xmas eve and Christmas morning, but I’m sorry I just won’t give that up.
OP posts:
Original poster
Mumshine101 · 30/01/2022 16:02

@Blueuggboots

When do you think it would be an appropriate time?
Honestly when it feels right for my kids. I don’t know what that time is but I just feel like that time is not now. My eldest is a sensitive boy and deep thinker, they adore their dad and I think introducing a friend now will set them spinning.
OP posts:
Nomoreusernames1244 · 30/01/2022 16:03

He had them Boxing Day. There’s no way I’m giving up Christmas Day with our kids. It’s not a compromise I’m willing to make. That’s why I let him come over for Xmas eve and Christmas morning, but I’m sorry I just won’t give that up

What about your ex? Why should he miss out on every christmas for the rest of his children’s lives?

Why is what you want more important than the child’s father?

My dh has never spent christmas day with his kids from age 3. They are now adults. It broke him, and the kids just don’t have the same relationship as they see their “family” now as mum’s relatives and their stepdads.

It’s cruel and selfish.

Kitkat151 · 30/01/2022 16:05

@Nomoreusernames1244

He had them Boxing Day. There’s no way I’m giving up Christmas Day with our kids. It’s not a compromise I’m willing to make. That’s why I let him come over for Xmas eve and Christmas morning, but I’m sorry I just won’t give that up

What about your ex? Why should he miss out on every christmas for the rest of his children’s lives?

Why is what you want more important than the child’s father?

My dh has never spent christmas day with his kids from age 3. They are now adults. It broke him, and the kids just don’t have the same relationship as they see their “family” now as mum’s relatives and their stepdads.

It’s cruel and selfish.

I expect this is exactly the scenario that OP wants🙄
Wherearemymarbles · 30/01/2022 16:06

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MooSakah · 30/01/2022 16:08

there’s no way I’m giving up Christmas Day with our kids. It’s not a compromise I’m willing to make. that's so cruel. I feel sorry for your kids tbh.

MooSakah · 30/01/2022 16:09

My eldest is a sensitive boy and deep thinker, they adore their dad and I think introducing a friend now will set them spinning. on the other hand he might be really pleased to see his dad happy and excited for the future .

Lampshading · 30/01/2022 16:10

He had them Boxing Day. There’s no way I’m giving up Christmas Day with our kids. It’s not a compromise I’m willing to make. That’s why I let him come over for Xmas eve and Christmas morning, but I’m sorry I just won’t give that up.

That's what you want, but not what's best for the children. If I was him I'd looking to be secure access through the courts, and I'd be very surprised if they would stipulate you had every Christmas. The reality is that he has moved on, but the children are still his and he has every right to see them, you have appointed yourself as bring able to pick and choose when that is, but that shouldn't be the case. He has been considerate and waited an entire year to introduce his new partner, I think kindly you need to find a way to come to terms with things.

MooSakah · 30/01/2022 16:11

I too think dad should take this to court