Would this bother you or am I being precious?

[PossiblyDreaming]

Last week I went out for dinner with my boyfriend and his old uni housemates. They haven’t all been together for a couple of years due to Covid and had never met me before but they were all very welcoming and friendly.

Boyfriend asks waiter to take a photo of us all and the next day he puts it on Facebook with the comment “Edinburgh Uni housemates from 2005, haven’t we all done we’ll considering what a bunch of drunken idiots we were back then” then lists them L-R as Dr John Smith and wife Dr Jane Smith, Dr Steve Jones and wife Dr Stephanie Jones etc. all around the table until he get to himself “Dr Mark Jones and partner Ms PoosiblyDreaming”. There were 16 of us altogether and every one of them has a Phd apart from me who doesn’t even have A levels. I just felt it really stood me out and that if he was going to do a post like this there was no need to include me as I wasn’t one of his uni mates and anyone looking at it is going to immediately spot that I’m the only idiot there.

I’m possibly being over sensitive. I hate the fact I never had a chance to do A levels or go to uni as I had to be a carer for my dad from age 12. It just made me feel a bit shit. I feel daft raising it with boyfriend as he undoubtedly thought nothing of it whatsoever and it certainly wasn’t done maliciously.

@Jewel1968 my sister has a PhD, if she ever mentions that she’s a doctor (which has only really happened in the last few years as she’s a virologist and gets in a lot of arguments about Covid 😂) she has often had people tell her that she’s not a “real” doctor or that she’s just showing off. It’s odd.

@Inspectorslack I’m not too fussed about actually getting a qualification for the sake of it. I read a lot about things I’m interested in but I’m not sure I have the time or inclination to actually get a qualification in a subject I enjoy.

@Jewel1968 throughout this thread posters have said that it's wanky/pretentious/being a dick/ etc etc to use a PhD title and it's so "criiiinge" to actually mention that you have one!

[quote Jewel1968]@Eleganz people actually tell you not to use your title? How bizarre. I work with a lot of people with PhDs. Some put Dr on email signature and others don't. Don't think anyone tells them what to do. Very odd that people do.[/quote]
It is very common I'm afraid. I suspect that it is because I am a woman mostly but male colleagues have had it too.

In my first job outside university after my postdoc (where I was recruited specifically because of my PhD) I had a senior manager 'advise me' that I should not use my academic title on business cards (yes we still had them) as it made me look "less approachable". Not sure if he provided the same advice for male colleagues. That was a professional context. Had a few other men suggest the same to me over the years.

Outside work, I've had people tell me that I should not use my title in formal settings (where titles are being used) for various reasons including "because you are not a medical doctor", "because no-one else has a PhD", "because it might upset someone", "because it is not relevant" (when male medical doctors were being referred to by their titles in an activity that was not medical).

We have a big problem in this country with facilitating people with chips on their shoulders about education. Probably for a lot of reasons.

Oh btw, John Snow studied law at Liverpool after a prestigious education in London. He got expelled for an anti-apartheid protest so not quite the great example of a clever man with no education really.

[quote PossiblyDreaming]@Jewel1968 my sister has a PhD, if she ever mentions that she’s a doctor (which has only really happened in the last few years as she’s a virologist and gets in a lot of arguments about Covid 😂) she has often had people tell her that she’s not a “real” doctor or that she’s just showing off. It’s odd.[/quote]
Get that all the time too. Not a virologist just people telling me I am not a "real" doctor.

@Eleganz yes Jon Snow did explain all that but he also referenced his A and O levels which were pretty average. He was also describing himself as not very clever.

I think it was wrong to tell you to not use your title. Very bizarre reasoning given. I can see why it annoys you.

Do you really think people without formal qualifications have a chip on their shoulder? And why do you think that is?

I think a lot of people without qualifications think of themselves as less intelligent and that's the problem in my view. If they realised that intelligence and qualification are different they might feel more comfortable in their skin. It's also important for those without qualifications to realise that people with qualifications do not look down on them. At least that has been my experience. I enjoy asking people about their PhDs where I work and it leads to interesting conversations. Don't do that much now cos of Lockdown.

He was clumsy, but he wanted to include you in the photograph and I think he wanted to show how well he'd done with meeting a lovely partner, as well as all of their qualifications i.e. showing you off a bit, perhaps?

I think you're being over sensitive. It would have been awful if he had left you out. I think it shows he is proud of all his friends and himself and their qualifications. A bit immature to be sure, but I suspect lockdown has prevented this type of reunion so it's a bit retrospective for him. Hopefully he will calm down next time and it'll just be names.

I just don't understand the mentality of putting people down for their academic achievements. Why? No one is suggesting that they are better than anyone, but plenty people are assuming that they are?

They worked hard. They are allowed to used the term Dr and to use the letters after their names. They earnt it. Why on earth would anyone be anything other than pleased for them?

I think it is linked to self esteem and empathy. People without qualifications might feel lesser somehow (I know I did) and that can turn into 'who does she think she is with her PhD etc ..'. I don't think I did that but I might have. I guess for me the key question is why people without qualifications feel lesser? I think I had bought into the notion that qualifications equals intelligence and that intelligence was something to be lauded. It took me years to realise that qualifications don't necessarily equal intelligence and that intelligence is only one aspect of what makes up a person. Not saying you don't need to be intelligent to do a PhD but it's more than that I think? It's application, dedication and hard work.

Whilst I am often impressed by those with qualifications I also am impressed by behaviour like the op described looking after her dad from age 12.

I was trying to remember the quotation that reminds me of the scenario in this thread, often attributed to Maya Angelou.

They may forget what you said,
They may forget what you did
but they'll never forget how they made you feel

The essential insight is that a skilled communicator must be aware of the emotional impact of his or her words.

When I started reading this I assumed you were doing to say he hadn't mentioned you in the photo because you didn't have a phd - THAT would have been a dick move!

I have to agree to agree with those who have said you are being over sensitive. Mentioning phd's was relevant as he was meeting up with uni friends, reminiscing about how far they've come and being proud of their achievements.

If you feel you need more qualifications then go for it but only if that's what YOU want. Sorry, it really does sound as if it's just your insecurities. You even said you felt part of the group so no one else will have given it a second thought.

@daisychain01

I was trying to remember the quotation that reminds me of the scenario in this thread, often attributed to Maya Angelou.

They may forget what you said,
They may forget what you did
but they'll never forget how they made you feel

The essential insight is that a skilled communicator must be aware of the emotional impact of his or her words.

He probably just didn't realise what an issue it was.

There's being sensitive to someone else's feelings and walking on eggshells so you don't upset them.

Personally I think those who use titles in a non formal setting (like a picture on Facebook of a social gathering) makes them automatically look like a d**khead.. It's right up there with 'the customer is always right' not that they are associated but more of one of those phrases or things you hear of and automatically eyeroll.. I'm all for being proud of your achievements and damn right we all should be whether academic or not but there is a time and a place and that was not it.

Forget it. I sit on a charity committee where I am the only one with no letters after their name. There are 4 PhD, an MD and a few Fellows of various professional bodies. I have one crap A-level. Unless you are a professional academic, it really doesn't matter.

Trust me, OP, you're not the dick in this scenario.

What a revoltingly ewww boast 🤮

He absolutely didn’t realise that it made me feel a bit daft. I spoke to him and he said it had never crossed his mind that I might feel a bit shit about not having any qualifications as I’d never mentioned it before.

As I’ve said several times it really wasn’t a showing off post, it was much more of a “look what idiots we used to be and how far we’ve come” post. I’m really surprised how many people think it means he’s being a dick because he posted some photos of him and his mate’s being incompetent, drunken teenagers next to some photos of them all grown up with phd’s and wives/ partners. I thought it was just a mildly amusing post.

@MadeForThis

Why didn't he just tag everyone rather than type their names?

He's being a dick

^This

@Nanny0gg because he was making a joke

Interesting I don't see it as bragging, as the context seems to be we turned out OK given we were idiots at uni. And after all, uni and getting the qualification, is the reason the group exists. However, I genuinely couldn't care less about educational level, and see it as nothing to brag about anyway. After all, if you stay at uni long enough it's likely you'll get a phd eventually.
Your life took a different direction OP, thats all. Had you had their advantages you probably would have had qualifications too, but really, who cares?
As for including you, I think it would have been a bit off to ask you to move away for the photo. I'd you like him otherwise OP, I'd put this aside.
(And stop feeling inferior to people just because they were lucky enough to have an extended education.)