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Original poster

Would this bother you or am I being precious?

170 replies

PossiblyDreaming · 29/01/2022 11:50

Last week I went out for dinner with my boyfriend and his old uni housemates. They haven’t all been together for a couple of years due to Covid and had never met me before but they were all very welcoming and friendly.

Boyfriend asks waiter to take a photo of us all and the next day he puts it on Facebook with the comment “Edinburgh Uni housemates from 2005, haven’t we all done we’ll considering what a bunch of drunken idiots we were back then” then lists them L-R as Dr John Smith and wife Dr Jane Smith, Dr Steve Jones and wife Dr Stephanie Jones etc. all around the table until he get to himself “Dr Mark Jones and partner Ms PoosiblyDreaming”. There were 16 of us altogether and every one of them has a Phd apart from me who doesn’t even have A levels. I just felt it really stood me out and that if he was going to do a post like this there was no need to include me as I wasn’t one of his uni mates and anyone looking at it is going to immediately spot that I’m the only idiot there.

I’m possibly being over sensitive. I hate the fact I never had a chance to do A levels or go to uni as I had to be a carer for my dad from age 12. It just made me feel a bit shit. I feel daft raising it with boyfriend as he undoubtedly thought nothing of it whatsoever and it certainly wasn’t done maliciously.

OP posts:
ABitOfAShitShow · 29/01/2022 13:16

I agree with most people here that the caption says absolutely nothing about you and nobody will notice BUT your boyfriend sounds like a pretentious prick and it’d be a massive turn-off for me.

PhDs say nothing about success or intelligence - just that someone was academically-inclined and had the desire/sticking power to continue on with that. It’s a great achievement in terms of the latter but nothing to feel inferior about.

Also - caring for your dad was a wonderful thing to do. You should be proud of that.

RepentMotherfucker · 29/01/2022 13:17

@Whatiswrongwithmyknee

Honestly I could not be with someone who felt the need to include titles on a facebook post or who thought it was ok to describe the man and then his wife. He sounds like he is still living in the 1950s. His sexism may be as much of an issue as his need to tell everyone that he has a PHD (which shows, often, that you wanted to do a PHD and had the resources to do so and does not evidence you being cleverer than people who didn't).
Glad someone said this. It's what stood out to me! 'X and wife, Y and partner'. What a cock.
Original poster
PossiblyDreaming · 29/01/2022 13:20

It wasn’t that he was describing the man and then his wife, he was just working his way around the table and that was the way they were sat. His uni mates are all the men and the wives are women they’d met after uni.

OP posts:
supermoonrising · 29/01/2022 13:25

It wasn’t that he was describing the man and then his wife, he was just working his way around the table and that was the way they were sat. His uni mates are all the men and the wives are women they’d met after uni.

That makes it even worse, as originally it sounded like all 16 were all in the same year group studying for PHDs together. Instead he’s just randomly listing the academic achievements of people he doesn’t even know!

ElectraBlue · 29/01/2022 13:34

I find his bragging rather tasteless.

It shows you can have a good level of academic qualification and still be a complete fool...

Pallisers · 29/01/2022 13:40

He reminds me of that joke about the mother on the beach shouting "help, quick, my son the doctor is drowning"

The last thing I'd think is "oh look at the loser without a phd". The absolute last. I'd be thinking he was a bit of an embarrassment giving everyone their academic title on a facebook post. If he posted a funny picture of someone doing something embarrassing in university with the title "the now Dr Johnson :)" maybe ok - but otherwise cringe. Mortified for him.

OP, you need to decide how you value yourself. In my long experience of life people generally take you at your own valuation. If you think you are somehow lesser because you don't have formal education then you'll go through life feeling bad. Don't do that. Look at your life and see the things you should be proud of. Value what you are, your experiences, who you are.

HellonHeels · 29/01/2022 13:42

Id be embarrassed for him, makrs him look like a bit of a dick.

I work in universities and encounter plenty of people with PhDs who are idiots.

I'm psorry you missed out on a lot due to being a child carer, that is a big sacrifice you made. If you want to gain some more qualifications it's never too late. Have a look at the Open University www.open.ac.uk

Dumblebum · 29/01/2022 13:42

I’m not aligned with these comments, this was on his Facebook page ro his friends about his uni friends getting together, bunch of pissheads who are all now doctors. I think it’s fine. I think you’re being over sensitive really. You’d also have been upset if he’d cut you out the photo. Unless he simply didn’t give them their titles to appease you it was a no win for him.

Understandingnotignorance · 29/01/2022 13:43

I think most people would be upset or self conscious at something like this. He was really insensitive.

user1493494961 · 29/01/2022 13:43

He sounds like a twat.

MichelleScarn · 29/01/2022 13:52

Sorry but are people really saying that the bf shouldn't put something that is factual on his own Facebook, because op is unhappy about their own educational opportunities. That does sound harsh I know, but OP herself has said that he isn't someone who goes on about having a PhD. So in context the writing of 'Dr' X... etc etc is 'okay' because its actually rather self depreciating in a way.
Or is this another case of, don't post about pregnancy/baby/new job/partner/holiday/car/wedding as someone hasn't got that.
It's bloody Facebook, its general use is to show off good things you're proud of!

Bimblybomeyelash · 29/01/2022 14:07

This wouldn’t bother me. Yes it’s a bit show-offy, but that’s what Facebook/insta is all about! And at least it was an honest brag ‘haven’t we all done well’ rather than the fake poser stuff which winds me up! I thought that you were going to be upset because he had left you out. But he included you, as his partner.

MananaTomorrow · 29/01/2022 14:10

It’s a FB photo right?
One where has tagged the people who are on the photo.

Are you sure that those people don’t have the ‘Dr’ on their handle so your DP had no choice but to have all the Dr?

The fact they are all doctors is a fact. It doesn’t say anything about you, if you are university educated or anything else.
I mean, your DP is happy with you. He was happy to take you to that reunion. Everything went well. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with you and the fact you don’t have a PhD - like 99% of the rest of the population.

lljkk · 29/01/2022 14:16

I'm not getting this -- isn't he saying you're as good as them although you're not a Dr., that's why you're there? Not mentioning you at all would have been dissing you, but describing you in other admiring terms is fine.

Feels to me like OP is projecting her insecurity that no one else there cared about.

HoobleDooble · 29/01/2022 14:18

I understand how it must make you feel, but I can't imagine that was his intention, he was just having a boast about how proud he was of his and his friend's achievements. He's probably equally proud of you caring for your father at such a young age, I know I am and I don't even know you!

shivermetimbers77 · 29/01/2022 14:19

Are they quite recent PhDs? I have quite a few friends with doctorates who mentioned it quite a bit in the few years after they got them. They had worked very hard and were proud of it. Over time it has become far less of a novelty and now they never mention it and are a bit embarrassed that they used to go on about it! I don’t think he meant to be rude to you OP.

BathTangle · 29/01/2022 14:22

And if he actually put "Ms PossiblyDreaming" who is to know you're not a consultant surgeon as they revert to Mr/Miss/Ms when they reach consultant level? Grin

Eleganz · 29/01/2022 14:32

@Dumblebum

I’m not aligned with these comments, this was on his Facebook page ro his friends about his uni friends getting together, bunch of pissheads who are all now doctors. I think it’s fine. I think you’re being over sensitive really. You’d also have been upset if he’d cut you out the photo. Unless he simply didn’t give them their titles to appease you it was a no win for him.
I agree.

I have a PhD, I don't see why I should feel ashamed to use the title that that degree grants me to use.

We have a major problem with academic success in this country and many of the comments on here display that. In Germany this would be a total non-issue for example.

Apparently a PhD is no indicator of success or intelligence and people with PhDs are idiots so says lots of people without PhDs of course. It is sad that people are so sensitive that they see that anyone who uses an academic title is doing so to directly put them down.

OP, you are being overly sensitive here and the idea that you are inadequate is coming from you and not from your boyfriend. Would you have been happy if he had not mentioned you at all and just pretended you weren't on the photo, really?

affairsofdragons · 29/01/2022 14:32

@AnnieLobeseder

Most people I work with have PhDs. Only the knobs ever mention having one on social media. I get why this would be hurtful for you, and it really wasn't very kind of him.
Yep
BestZebbie · 29/01/2022 14:42

I think you are reasonable to feel a little put out by the post, but I suspect the point it was trying to make was "we all met as undergrads and now we have moved on in life, eg: with our PhDs, partners and more sedate ways" rather than "only one of us isnt a postgrad, haha".

Gwenhwyfar · 29/01/2022 14:47

This is quite odd because you don't type people's names with a photo on FB, you tag them so their names come up according to how they name themselves. Is that what he did or did he really write all those names and titles?
It is a bit show offy, but I wouldn't take it an necessarily done to annoy or belittle you.

Gwenhwyfar · 29/01/2022 14:48

@lucillelarusso

Putting a Dr before your name on facebook is idiotic unless you are a medical Dr and being asked for your full name.
It's not a part of your name even for a medical doctor. I do have a friend who's a doctor who includes the Dr, but he doesn't have to, does he?
Gwenhwyfar · 29/01/2022 14:50

"I have a PhD, I don't see why I should feel ashamed to use the title that that degree grants me to use"

Use it professionally and academically fine, but why use it in your social life? What relevance does it have when you're out for dinner?

MananaTomorrow · 29/01/2022 14:51

@lucillelarusso

Putting a Dr before your name on facebook is idiotic unless you are a medical Dr and being asked for your full name.
Why??

Is someone who has done a PhD any less of than a GP (who often doesn’t have a PhD btw)?

Gwenhwyfar · 29/01/2022 14:52

@FryingpanintoFire

I had assumed they were all medical doctors who had studied together and married other medical doctors.
OP says (in her OP) that 'every one of them has a Phd '. I don't see what difference it makes anyway. You don't call your friends by their titles anyway do you?