Would this bother you or am I being precious?

[PossiblyDreaming]

Last week I went out for dinner with my boyfriend and his old uni housemates. They haven’t all been together for a couple of years due to Covid and had never met me before but they were all very welcoming and friendly.

Boyfriend asks waiter to take a photo of us all and the next day he puts it on Facebook with the comment “Edinburgh Uni housemates from 2005, haven’t we all done we’ll considering what a bunch of drunken idiots we were back then” then lists them L-R as Dr John Smith and wife Dr Jane Smith, Dr Steve Jones and wife Dr Stephanie Jones etc. all around the table until he get to himself “Dr Mark Jones and partner Ms PoosiblyDreaming”. There were 16 of us altogether and every one of them has a Phd apart from me who doesn’t even have A levels. I just felt it really stood me out and that if he was going to do a post like this there was no need to include me as I wasn’t one of his uni mates and anyone looking at it is going to immediately spot that I’m the only idiot there.

I’m possibly being over sensitive. I hate the fact I never had a chance to do A levels or go to uni as I had to be a carer for my dad from age 12. It just made me feel a bit shit. I feel daft raising it with boyfriend as he undoubtedly thought nothing of it whatsoever and it certainly wasn’t done maliciously.

@Kbyodjs

I think you’re being a bit over sensitive; I guess he wanted to show how well they’ve all done to get phds and they have done well but that doesn’t mean you haven’t done well just because you don’t have one

Agree.

And don't be so hard on yourself- Caring for your Father at such a young age would've been hard and I personally noted that more than the 'Dr' titles you noted.x

You might just be standing at the top of a slippery slope. Has he "jokingly" put you down before? Either on your own or in company:?
Talk to him, tell him he made you feel inadequate. He may not have realised this. At least let him know your feelings

Completely dickish thing to do, and it goes to show that having a Doctorate does not guarantee emotional intelligence.

I'd be telling him to stick his PhD where the sun doesn't shine.

Without knowing their personalities, I think he was just 'bigging up' his friends and I think it's bragging at all. A little tactless, perhaps, but I wouldn't be calling him names about it.

Doing a doctorate is such a massive thing. They do deserve to be proud of themselves. They have worked hard and fair play to them.

But not to gloat. That is never acceptable. Are they the type of people who would do that?

I think the issue here is that you feel sensitive to your situation. I can entirely empathize, I felt the same for a long time as I left school at 16 and worried that I wasn't good enough or of equal value as my friends who went on to university.

If it is something that you feel strongly about, why not look into doing a course? I chose OU as I was working, had a young family and couldn't commit to set hours. Also, I liked that you could take different levels of qualifications if you didn't feel up to committing to a degree. It's one bite at a time, and I found it really great.

I didn't go further than my Bachelors, but who knows. Maybe I will one day. I still worry that as I have never actually set foot in a brick university, that some people feel their degree is better than mine, but whatever... that's their problem.

As a side note, DH and I often laugh that quite a few of our friends who have PHDS all seem to lack basics in logic and common sense. It's really quite incredible.

But surely he was telling his FB friends how proud he is of the people he was at Uni with. It wouldn’t bother me at all, UNLESS he mentions his Doctorate on a regular basis?

Putting a Dr before your name on facebook is idiotic unless you are a medical Dr and being asked for your full name.

Most people don’t have a PhD so I wouldn’t give that a second thought. The way he captioned the photo is fucking cringey though he sounds like a show off knobhead.

Its bloody hard work getting a phd so i see nothing wrong with being proud of it and bragging about it once in a while. Why dont you go back to get more qualifications.

I don't see anything wrong with it in this particular context, as it's all friends who were at university. By his own admission they were drunken idiots then who've all achieved well since.

If on the other hand he puts you down or shows off generally, that's a different story.

Just re read post, and it's the fact you're in the photo you aren't happy with? But that would have been a huge AIBU with loads of LTB!
AIBU to be upset that on a night out with uni friends my dp asked I leave the table for them to take a photo

He sounds like a bit of a twat.
My husband has some friends from uni and I’m always a bit conscious I’m the only one in the group without a PhD but they never draw attention to it or anything. (I have a masters btw, like Howard 😆)
Properly intelligent people know that it doesn’t mean much really, and bragging is v uncool.

Yes “pompous wanker” sums it up pretty well - just ignore this tomfoolery

It sounds fine to me. He probably thinks he did well getting you. If he'd left you off it would be a different scenario. Don't overthink this.

He’s not normally a show off and doesn’t normally mention the fact that he has a PhD. I don’t know, the photo just made me feel like a bit of a dick.

Then I think you're being over-sensitive, though I do understand.

It ws probably his idea of a lighthearted remark, but honestly people with PhDs are pretty up themselves if they refer to themselves Dr. There are even some youngish scientists on TV who introduce themselves as "I am Dr. Blah...", which is really cringeworthy. When I was growing up I was told it was definitely not done to give your own title, as in "I am Mr. Jones" or "I am Miss Smith", It is quite ignorant. Better to say "I am Stephen Jones". The only exception would be an actual medical doctor introducing himself to a patient in hospital, so that they know they are being treated by an actual doctor.
No need to worry OP that you have been shown up in any way, it is just a bit annoying and silly.

He’s not normally a show off and doesn’t normally mention the fact that he has a PhD

I don't think there's anything wrong with celebrating a PhD - it's a hard slog to get one - and from what you say, he's not constantly banging on about it. I doubt it occurred to him that you'd see it as something lacking in yourself not to have one - because it isn't.

You were working as a carer - there's no way you'd have had time for extensive study. It's unfortunate that you don't get letters after your name for that, but that says more about our society than about the ability and dedication needed to do the work.

You're being over sensitive. My partner and most of his friends have post grad degrees. I don't but I'm never made to feel bad about it.

@PossiblyDreaming

He’s not normally a show off and doesn’t normally mention the fact that he has a PhD. I don’t know, the photo just made me feel like a bit of a dick.

I think, if you just look at this thread, the only individual in that photo people will be thinking of is a bit of a dick is your boyfriend.

No-one will be comparing you to the bunch of drunkards-turned phds.

Or if anyone is judging you (unlikely) remember

1. They don't know you
2. It says wayyyy more about their judgy, unpleasant personality than you.

As a separate issue being a child carer is tough.

Wait, are they medical doctors or phds?

Id think he was incredibly obnoxious if I saw that post but I wouldn't even notice or think anything of the fact you're not a Dr.

It says a lot more about him that it does about you.

Honestly I could not be with someone who felt the need to include titles on a facebook post or who thought it was ok to describe the man and then his wife. He sounds like he is still living in the 1950s. His sexism may be as much of an issue as his need to tell everyone that he has a PHD (which shows, often, that you wanted to do a PHD and had the resources to do so and does not evidence you being cleverer than people who didn't).

@PossiblyDreaming If your lack of academic qualifications is a soar point have you sat down and seriously considered pursuing these? I studied my MA and now PHD part-time.

Why did your OH and his friends decide to study for a PHD? I signed up for mine before I found out I had ADHD. Prior to this, I always overcommitted myself to overcompensate for my lack of ability to pay attention - I needed lots of things on the go at once so I can jump between them. I'm continuing with my study as I'm an idiot who struggles with quitting once I'm committed. The PHD isn't going to add anything to my earning potential or career but it does take a lot of my time so I do feel like a mug for carrying on.

I've found that lot of people who have, or are studying towards, a PHD are doing so due to the issues they face, whether this be a lack of confidence, they were only ever praised for being 'clever' so they keep seeking that validation, they're hiding in academia rather than facing their social/communication issues etc.

I wouldn't be surprised if your partner and his friends aren't feeling insecure about the post he's put out and how its come across, or whether they're really achievers compared to some of their peers.

I had assumed they were all medical doctors who had studied together and married other medical doctors.

There was no need to put all the titles, just first and second names. Your boyfriend is a Facebook show off but it wasn't directed at you. But I see why you would be upset. It doesn't say anything about you, most people who have titles don't use them in this way so he comes across as the idiot.