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Original poster

Would this bother you or am I being precious?

170 replies

PossiblyDreaming · 29/01/2022 11:50

Last week I went out for dinner with my boyfriend and his old uni housemates. They haven’t all been together for a couple of years due to Covid and had never met me before but they were all very welcoming and friendly.

Boyfriend asks waiter to take a photo of us all and the next day he puts it on Facebook with the comment “Edinburgh Uni housemates from 2005, haven’t we all done we’ll considering what a bunch of drunken idiots we were back then” then lists them L-R as Dr John Smith and wife Dr Jane Smith, Dr Steve Jones and wife Dr Stephanie Jones etc. all around the table until he get to himself “Dr Mark Jones and partner Ms PoosiblyDreaming”. There were 16 of us altogether and every one of them has a Phd apart from me who doesn’t even have A levels. I just felt it really stood me out and that if he was going to do a post like this there was no need to include me as I wasn’t one of his uni mates and anyone looking at it is going to immediately spot that I’m the only idiot there.

I’m possibly being over sensitive. I hate the fact I never had a chance to do A levels or go to uni as I had to be a carer for my dad from age 12. It just made me feel a bit shit. I feel daft raising it with boyfriend as he undoubtedly thought nothing of it whatsoever and it certainly wasn’t done maliciously.

OP posts:
crlautum · 29/01/2022 14:54

He sounds like a pretentious twat.

MananaTomorrow · 29/01/2022 14:54

@Gwenhwyfar

"I have a PhD, I don't see why I should feel ashamed to use the title that that degree grants me to use"

Use it professionally and academically fine, but why use it in your social life? What relevance does it have when you're out for dinner?

Well…. Ask the reaction that people have at the sight of a woman with the title Dr and you’ll know….

I’m VERY happy to see women using their titles. It’s a good reminder to all that women are just as good as men academically and professionally. Seeing how dismissive most people are of women, their opinions (even when it’s their experts opinion!), a regular reminder isn’t a bid thing tbh.

Gwenhwyfar · 29/01/2022 14:58

"Ask the reaction that people have at the sight of a woman with the title Dr and you’ll know…."

What reaction are you claiming that people have?

Gwenhwyfar · 29/01/2022 14:59

"Seeing how dismissive most people are of women, their opinions (even when it’s their experts opinion!), a regular reminder isn’t a bid thing tbh."

How is this relevant in a social situation though. If I meet you at a party, the fact that you have a phd doesn't mean your opinion of the drinks on offer is any more valid than mine.

If you're being interviewed on the radio about your area of expertise, then it's a different matter.

Aubree17 · 29/01/2022 15:01

Your being over sensitive and as you said probably because you wish you had the opportunity. It's never too late though.

Can't quite make up my mind if it's a wanky post or just a group of people proud to have done well .....

PrincessNikla · 29/01/2022 15:02

“Edinburgh Uni housemates from 2005, haven’t we all done we’ll considering what a bunch of drunken idiots we were back then” then lists them L-R as Dr John Smith and wife Dr Jane Smith, Dr Steve Jones and wife Dr Stephanie Jones etc. all around the table until he get to himself “Dr Mark Jones and partner Ms PoosiblyDreaming”.

so they are all UNI mates,.... surely thats the important bit, its not ignoring you, its putting what they got at UNI!

ItsSnowJokes · 29/01/2022 15:03

Having a PhD means not a lot to most people. It means you spent hours and hours researching and writing about something obscure that no one else has done yet and it normally has nothing to do with your career. I know a lot of people personally with PhDs and not many of them have a career linked to it. I also know a lot of people work wise (I work on HE) and they are the only ones that it seems to be useful for.

Don't even worry about it. He's just being a boring braggy wanker. People will think that when they see the post.

Gilda152 · 29/01/2022 15:04

With all due respect, he was catching up with his old mates and there's nothing wrong with being proud of the title you've earned from the hard work of a PHD. I don't have one but several of my friends and colleagues do, I would not feel even slightly put out by this, but I've never aspired to a PHD so it's not for me, same as if they were all Reverend so and and so I've never wanted to be ones of those either, but have no issues that they're proud of their earned title.

I don't think he was trying to make you feel "less" by this in anyway. And you're not less either.

Eleganz · 29/01/2022 15:08

@Gwenhwyfar

"I have a PhD, I don't see why I should feel ashamed to use the title that that degree grants me to use"

Use it professionally and academically fine, but why use it in your social life? What relevance does it have when you're out for dinner?

As a woman with a PhD I am very much over other people policing when I can and cannot use my title thanks. It is none of your business. It does not have to be relevant, it is my title and I will use it when I like. There was no commandment that was issue with my degree certificate that said I could only use it in certain, restricted scenarios.

The problem is that as a woman with a PhD I am attacked from all sides for using my title. Both by highly privileged men in my field who have never needed to use their titles because they have their expertise assumed by those they are dealing with and also by other women who somehow feel that me using my title is lording it over them.

Eleganz · 29/01/2022 15:11

@Gwenhwyfar

"Seeing how dismissive most people are of women, their opinions (even when it’s their experts opinion!), a regular reminder isn’t a bid thing tbh."

How is this relevant in a social situation though. If I meet you at a party, the fact that you have a phd doesn't mean your opinion of the drinks on offer is any more valid than mine.

If you're being interviewed on the radio about your area of expertise, then it's a different matter.

Do you not talk about what you do and your background to people in social situations when making small talk and getting to know people?

If the social situation is using titles then mine is "Dr". If it is using first names then it is first names. What I am not going to do is be referred to as "Mrs" to sooth others' insecurities about their own achievements

MichelleScarn · 29/01/2022 15:12

@ItsSnowJokes

Having a PhD means not a lot to most people. It means you spent hours and hours researching and writing about something obscure that no one else has done yet and it normally has nothing to do with your career. I know a lot of people personally with PhDs and not many of them have a career linked to it. I also know a lot of people work wise (I work on HE) and they are the only ones that it seems to be useful for.

Don't even worry about it. He's just being a boring braggy wanker. People will think that when they see the post.

I think that's the most bizarre description of the work that goes into a PhD I've ever seen!

'Boring, braggy wanker' 'having a PhD means not a lot' do you tell all the people you know personally your distain for them?

Bonnealle · 29/01/2022 15:13

Sounds like an in-joke, I wouldn’t read anything into it.

katepilar · 29/01/2022 15:15

I would be angry about a photo of me being put on facebook, moreover with names!
I dont think anyone reading it will notice or put much thought into the degrees. I guess its a sensitive topic for you as you didnt have the chance to deside whether you wanted to study or not. You certainly are not an idiot and only an idiot could think that.

WonderfulYou · 29/01/2022 15:19

You are bring way to over sensitive.

He doesn’t care that you don’t have a phd else he wouldn’t be with you, so stop projecting your own insecurities as you will end up pushing him away.

WonderfulYou · 29/01/2022 15:21

With all due respect, he was catching up with his old mates and there's nothing wrong with being proud of the title you've earned from the hard work of a PHD.

I completely agree.

Eleganz · 29/01/2022 15:21

@ItsSnowJokes

Having a PhD means not a lot to most people. It means you spent hours and hours researching and writing about something obscure that no one else has done yet and it normally has nothing to do with your career. I know a lot of people personally with PhDs and not many of them have a career linked to it. I also know a lot of people work wise (I work on HE) and they are the only ones that it seems to be useful for.

Don't even worry about it. He's just being a boring braggy wanker. People will think that when they see the post.

That is very dismissive of what a PhD is, but I suppose if you work in an environment where almost everyone has one it is easy to become so dismissive.

I do not work in HE and my PhD is directly relevant for my job. We do exist.

Gwenhwyfar · 29/01/2022 15:25

@katepilar

I would be angry about a photo of me being put on facebook, moreover with names! I dont think anyone reading it will notice or put much thought into the degrees. I guess its a sensitive topic for you as you didnt have the chance to deside whether you wanted to study or not. You certainly are not an idiot and only an idiot could think that.
If you are in a public place people can take a photo of you and put it on the internet so you would be silly to be angry about that. Usually, if someone is not on Facebook, they don't get tagged anyway.
Gwenhwyfar · 29/01/2022 15:27

"Do you not talk about what you do and your background to people in social situations when making small talk and getting to know people?"

Sometimes, but this is much more of a thing for people with 'important' jobs than for those of us with ordinary ones. I don't see what that has to do with using phd/Dr in your social life though.

This guy was tagging his friends in a FB post and people don't usually refer to their friends with their titles, do they?

Useranon1 · 29/01/2022 15:30

@WonderfulYou

With all due respect, he was catching up with his old mates and there's nothing wrong with being proud of the title you've earned from the hard work of a PHD.

I completely agree.

Me too.

He's proud of his and his friends' achievements. There are plenty of worse characteristics in a person!

MindTheGapMoveAlong · 29/01/2022 15:30

Sorry OP but I think you’re being a bit over sensitive. Did you ever think maybe it’s not about you but about a group of uni friends laughing at themselves for being ‘respectable’, a bit boring (complete with their degrees/PhDs) and fitting into a certain cliched group in comparison to the reprobates and rebels they ( mistakenly) saw themselves as in their youth? Was it a good night out & did you enjoy yourself? You said that everyone made you feel welcome.

Morgan12 · 29/01/2022 15:33

He sounds a right knob tbh.

If I seen that post I would assume he was a pompous prick.

TyrannosaurusRegina · 29/01/2022 15:33

Nothing wrong with him being proud. Nothing wrong with not having a PhD. What would you have done if he hadn't mentioned you at all - I bet you'd have been upset about that. There was no harm meant and no harm done.

Eleganz · 29/01/2022 15:33

@Gwenhwyfar

"Do you not talk about what you do and your background to people in social situations when making small talk and getting to know people?"

Sometimes, but this is much more of a thing for people with 'important' jobs than for those of us with ordinary ones. I don't see what that has to do with using phd/Dr in your social life though.

This guy was tagging his friends in a FB post and people don't usually refer to their friends with their titles, do they?

Well he did refer to them with their titles on this occasion presumably to reinforce the point he was making in the post. What business is it of anyone else really? He referred to everyone by their correct title it seems.

You are free to see or not see what the point of anything is, that is your perogative. You aren't, however, entitled to act like there are some unwritten but universally agreed social conventions that prevent people from using their academic titles socially and try and police them doing so.

Perhaps our social lives are a bit different, but there are formal social occasions that I am involved in where people are referred to by titles.

KSH85 · 29/01/2022 15:54

I might be misinterpreting something here but from your post - had I been in your shoes - I wouldn't have thought your BF was suggesting you were the odd one out for not having a Phd. I'd have interpreted that as you were "possibly dreaming" about marriage....especially seeing as he tagged all the other wedded couples in.

Still not a cool move though!

MichelleScarn · 29/01/2022 15:55

@Morgan12

He sounds a right knob tbh.

If I seen that post I would assume he was a pompous prick.

Why is he a pompous prick and a knob?

Because he has a high level of education and has mentioned it? Is UK the trailblazer for countries where educational achievement still results in mockery, name calling and derision?