Would this bother you or am I being precious?

[PossiblyDreaming]

Last week I went out for dinner with my boyfriend and his old uni housemates. They haven’t all been together for a couple of years due to Covid and had never met me before but they were all very welcoming and friendly.

Boyfriend asks waiter to take a photo of us all and the next day he puts it on Facebook with the comment “Edinburgh Uni housemates from 2005, haven’t we all done we’ll considering what a bunch of drunken idiots we were back then” then lists them L-R as Dr John Smith and wife Dr Jane Smith, Dr Steve Jones and wife Dr Stephanie Jones etc. all around the table until he get to himself “Dr Mark Jones and partner Ms PoosiblyDreaming”. There were 16 of us altogether and every one of them has a Phd apart from me who doesn’t even have A levels. I just felt it really stood me out and that if he was going to do a post like this there was no need to include me as I wasn’t one of his uni mates and anyone looking at it is going to immediately spot that I’m the only idiot there.

I’m possibly being over sensitive. I hate the fact I never had a chance to do A levels or go to uni as I had to be a carer for my dad from age 12. It just made me feel a bit shit. I feel daft raising it with boyfriend as he undoubtedly thought nothing of it whatsoever and it certainly wasn’t done maliciously.

Op how did you feel at the event?

How do you feel with your partner in general? That is more important than a silly post having fun about student days for gods sake.

Oh you said ‘everyone was friendly and welcoming.’

He’s not normally a show off and doesn’t normally mention the fact that he has a PhD

Doesn't sound awful to me.

It really wasn’t a showing off post - it was just a we used to be drunken idiots and haven’t we done well considering kind of post. It was posted after he’d also put a few photos of his uni days showing them dressed up as pantomime horses, doing their washing up in a bath and one of them sleeping in a hammock for a year as he couldn’t work out how to get a mattress delivered.

I’ve always been a bit self conscious of not having any qualifications but I didn’t really how insecure it actually made me feel until I saw my name next to 17 people with Dr in front of their names. I think it’s probably more my issue and, like some PP’s have said, if he was bothered about being with someone educated he’d have filtered me out a long time ago!

@PossiblyDreaming what's your thoughts on all the posters calling your dp a
Knob/twat/snob/dick/wanker/braggart?

@MichelleScarn I don’t think he’s any of those things. He’s never done anything to suggest he’s a snobby - he’s from a proper northern working class family and felt really self conscious meeting my family for the first time as he thinks we’re posh (we’re not, we’re just southern and we’re lucky enough to inherit a wad of cash when my dad died). I certainly don’t think he’s a dick or a wanker or I wouldn’t be with him. I did think the post including me was slightly insensitive as he knows how much of a rough time I had looking after my dad as a teenager/ young adult, although I’ve never really told him specifically that I’m a bit bitter that I couldn’t get a decent education as a result.

@PossiblyDreaming I didn't think you would! Lots of conjecture from posters!

See, if I'd seen that post, I would have thought he was bragging* about all still being friends and having lovely wives/partners to boot, despite being undeserving idiots in their youth. Are you sure that wasn't it?

*by which I mean very mild bragging/generally being proud of which I wouldn't think badly of anyone for doing

How weird. I’ve got a PhD. I know loads of people with PhDs - and partners with PhDs. That’s what happens when you do a PhD. 🤣

I cannot imagine ever referring to any of them by title. Especially not on social media. Unless it was a joke. But listing names with titles is plain weird in the 21st century.

Did he type their names out or tag them?

I don't think he's been a dick at all. It was a uni meet up so why not comment on how well they have done academically. Would you have been more upset if he just hadn't named you at all?

I think he’s put the Dr thing because that’s what they were all working towards when they were at university, and it was a big step in their lives. It’s a mark of where they were at when they were all together. I don’t think it’s showing off, though I can see why it looks that way.
He loves you and is with you and definitely nobody would think less of you for not having a phd!

It was in the context of them having been a bunch of drunken idiot students, and this: It was posted after he’d also put a few photos of his uni days showing them dressed up as pantomime horses, doing their washing up in a bath and one of them sleeping in a hammock for a year as he couldn’t work out how to get a mattress delivered.

So surely the titles were stated humorously to contrast with how they had been.

You're overthinking...

I've got a degree and a masters and a professional career. My boyfriend doesn't have A levels and works in a factory.

It means nothing.

I think it's definitely a reflection of your own sadness and sense of not having achieved what you could have.

If he were actually a walker, he wouldn't be dating someone who didn't have similar qualifications. I had an ex who was less well.qualufiwd than he was and he had a relationship.chip on his shoulder about it. It ruined the relationship because he was constantly trying to prove I wasn't as clever as I thought... I didn't think I was clever - I'd chosen to go to uni and he hadn't 🤷🏻‍♀️

Your DP sounds like the sort of person who would be understanding and supportive if you decided to go back to studying.

Definitely a wanly post. I have a PhD and conceal using my title unless necessary. I know people who never use their title. I’d be mortified if someone included me in a post like that. Saying that, it wouldn’t occur to me at all to judge someone in a pic without a title. The guy sounds rather shallow. I understand why you feel sensitive but don’t overthink it.

PossiblyDreaming
I certainly don’t think he’s a dick or a wanker or I wouldn’t be with him.

I have seen many a wanker with a partner that thinks they are lovely.

"You are free to see or not see what the point of anything is, that is your perogative. You aren't, however, entitled to act like there are some unwritten but universally agreed social conventions that prevent people from using their academic titles socially and try and police them doing so."

How am I policing anyone? As you say, I'm allowed to have an opinion. I can't actually stop people using their titles when it's not relevant can I?

"Perhaps our social lives are a bit different, but there are formal social occasions that I am involved in where people are referred to by titles."

Yeah, are social lives seem very different.

"If he were actually a walker, he wouldn't be dating someone who didn't have similar qualifications. I had an ex who was less well.qualufiwd than he was and he had a relationship.chip on his shoulder about it."

Some people do date people they look down on and don't consider marriage material. They date them, but don't expect to make it permanent. I've seen this happen with acquaintances.

However, OP says her boyfriend is a nice guy and doesn't look down on her generally so this doesn't seem to be the case here.

Is UK the trailblazer for countries where educational achievement still results in mockery, name calling and derision?

It absolutely is. The US is a bit like that but not to the same extent (they seem to have a clearer line between formal and informal oddly). Other countries where I have worked in Europe it is not like this at all.

The UK is the only country where people feel they are entitled to tell me when I can and cannot use the academic titles I have earned.

The idea that people should hide their academic achievements because it is "cringey", "irrelevant" or "they are showing off" just shows you what an anti-intellectual shithole this country is. It seems like there is a mass inferiority complex in this country and it is somehow your problem if you trigger it by simply referring to your qualifications in any way.

@Gwenhwyfar as I said, he never normally uses his title at all apart from in his work, why would he? It was just a jokey post laughing at the fact that the incapable, drunken idiots that they were at 18 all managed to get PhD’s. I just felt a bit daft that I was sat there with my 5 GCSE’s, feeling like I sort of belonged to the group and then when I saw that post I felt like I was very singled out.

I was you once. Don't have a degree because of affordability and being pretty poor. For years I fel inadequate and then somehow I came to realise that while we value qualifications they are not an indication of intelligence.

I was listening to Jon Snow talk about his O levels and how average they were. He doesn't have a degree nor does he have great O levels or A levels. There are other famous clever people without degrees.

You could get a qualification now but isn't necessary.

I would tell him how you feel though and see if his emotional intelligence matches his book learning intelligence.

And caring for your dad from age 12 - no PhD compares to that! Amazing!

[quote PossiblyDreaming]@Gwenhwyfar as I said, he never normally uses his title at all apart from in his work, why would he? It was just a jokey post laughing at the fact that the incapable, drunken idiots that they were at 18 all managed to get PhD’s. I just felt a bit daft that I was sat there with my 5 GCSE’s, feeling like I sort of belonged to the group and then when I saw that post I felt like I was very singled out.[/quote]
You clearly weren't being singled out and you clearly do understand what he was doing in making that post. Obviously you have also seen on this thread the huge cultural issue of anti-intellectualism in this country that probably underlies why you feel the way you do.

So, rather than feeling singled out, perhaps have a think about whether going back into education is something you would like to consider. It is never, ever too late to learn. But, you don't have to if you don't want to, it is totally okay to be you. No-one with a PhD is trying to make you feel inferior, but neither should they have to pretend that they haven't achieved their qualifications for the sake of 'polite society'.

@Eleganz people actually tell you not to use your title? How bizarre. I work with a lot of people with PhDs. Some put Dr on email signature and others don't. Don't think anyone tells them what to do. Very odd that people do.

I was you until I was 38. I went to uni and did an access course and then on to the degree. I’ve now got a well paid role in a good company.

If you want to go on and do something education wise, do it!