I don't fancy my wife - what should I say/do?

[User234937]

I'm a dad, here looking for some anonymous advice from a group of (mostly) female parents on a rather sensitive topic.

My wife complains that I never pay her any compliments. The fact is I simply don't really fancy her. What should I say or do?

I can think of a few options:

I could tell her what she wants to hear, even if it's insincere
I could do what I'm doing now - be nice, but don't say things I don't mean
I could suggest divorce

I'm currently doing option 2, and I know it upsets her sometimes, but I struggle to say nice things I don't really believe.

Any suggestions?

OP,
Not read the whole thread only your answers. Replying to your question to what to do.

Keeping the marriage alive: Look up John Gottman, Making Marriage Work .

Listen more than once.
There must be something other than looks that you can compliment your wife on. People are a whole package, not just their looks.

Read this website exhaustively to see which areas you could do better in.
www.alturtle.com/archives/1350

Give it at least 6 months of steady effort on your part and see if your feelings evolve.

Good luck.

@Regina70

I read a study recently which I thought was really interesting. It's all in the brain... when happy in a relationship you will only have eyes for your partner. Your brain basically downplay the attractiveness of everyone else around; like your partner is under the spotlight everyone else in the shadows. But if your affections start wandering, everyone around you becomes more appealing, your relationship off the right track. After 2 years of covid, I would suggest you invest a little time and efforts to court your wife. Do activities together, play and have fun together. Support her so she can have some me time and self care. You think she has changed, I am sure she thinks you have as well. Without being hurtful you can have an honest discussion and say that you feel you are disconnecting and would like to work at your relationship. You have made a commitment to love and cherish, withdrawing emotionally will negatively impact her self esteem. Communicating will avoid her feeling blindsided. If after 6 months you still feel the same way then re-open the discussion may be suggesting counselling. You both deserve to be happy and fulfilled. Don't just bide your time because it is comfortable or you fear confrontation ... and do not wait till a third party gets involved. I hope you can find a way to rekindle your love for each other, but if it cannot be mended know you will have fought and done all you could and move on with strength & peace of mind.

OP: this ties in with the Gottman recommendation above. As long as you are not physically repulsed by your partner, you probably have something to work with. Feelings of attraction can be fickle and it's possible by consciously drawing your own attention to the positive things about your wife, consciously being affectionate towards her that the bond grows stronger.

It's a bit what's behind the principle of "smile and you will feel happier."

[quote Anothergreatday]@5128gap
‘ I think its less about the age and more about physical appearance. You do get some men who reach a certain age and (try to) go for young women because of their own ego issues. Otherwise im men are attracted to good figures, great hair and pretty faces. Young women may be more likely to have these things, but if an older woman has them also she will have plenty of sexual interest, more so than a young woman without these characteristics.’

• a good face is relative . A pretty woman is a pretty woman regardless of whether she is 22 or 52 but a 52 yr old will usually look more mature . Many many men just value youth . If it was just about the things you say why did the age of 22 come up as the ideal rather than say 30 . Most women I know look their best later once they know what styles suit them and come into their own

• women tend to like a tight body and good looks too which men have at a younger age . A thirty year old man’s body is very often. Better than a 60 year old yet womens tastes grow with their age . So there’s obviously something about the actual age involved . In truth I think many men like the naivety and fact older women are more likely to pull them up on bad behaviour ….but who knows

Really it’s concerning that the thing men seem to find most attractive is youth ir the attributes that show a woman is youthful . Seems very little value is put in life experience , personality , kindness etc
And that is what I think is sad[/quote]
I agree with much of this. However, I would question whether women's tastes mature to the point where they would find a 60 year old more physically attractive than a 30 year old. I think its more likely they just place higher value on the other traits you mention and believe they are more likely to find them in an older man, which is what older men would have us believe! There's also a huge stigma attached to women dating younger which is off putting to many.
As far as the OP is concerned, he obviously puts a higher value on sexual attraction than his partners other qualities, but unless he has a great deal to bring to the table himself, what he wants and what he can realisticlly get are likely to be two different things. The world is full of entitled men who leave relationships then find that to their surprise there is no queue of gorgeous youthful women desperate to sample their typically mediocre charms. Prioritising a partners physical appeal is all very well if you are also gorgeous (solvent, intelligent, interesting, minimal baggage etc) but for a lot of discontented men, a reality check is much needed.

Oh I definitely find a fit 60 to 80 year old more sexually attractive than pretty much all 30 year old men. I'm in my 50s and 30 year olds mostly look like little boys to me.

“You look lovely in that.”
“Your hair looks beautiful today.”

Simple stuff. Don’t overthink it.

Well worth staying to make sure your kids are ok and in an education that works. Doesn’t sound hellish, and life may well be worse if you divorce.

@TheBoreOfHabilon

Oh I definitely find a fit 60 to 80 year old more sexually attractive than pretty much all 30 year old men. I'm in my 50s and 30 year olds mostly look like little boys to me.

Interesting. I haven't met many fit 60 year olds, and literally no fit 80 year olds, unless we count fit for their age. And even if there is the odd outlier, they often have behaviours and attitudes that are unattractive to me.

I think it's about being in the right environment.

On the whole I fancy men 5 years older or younger than me. There are a few exceptions, Paul Mescal (Normal People) and Clint Eastwood.
I’m 52.

@CrimbleCrumble1

On the whole I fancy men 5 years older or younger than me. There are a few exceptions, Paul Mescal (Normal People) and Clint Eastwood. I’m 52.

I'd agree with that. We definitely go for the same men @CrimbleCrumble1 !!

Plus Idris Elba who is absolutely timeless.

I feel quite sorry for older men who so often seem programmed to find youthful attributes the most appealing over and above a deeper connection with a woman the same age.

I feel quite sorry for older men who so often seem programmed to find youthful attributes the most appealing over and above a deeper connection with a woman the same age.

I really wouldn't. They're fine with it.

@DrSbaitso

I feel quite sorry for older men who so often seem programmed to find youthful attributes the most appealing over and above a deeper connection with a woman the same age.

I really wouldn't. They're fine with it.

And as a woman in her 50s with no interest in any type of connection with them, I'm fine with it too. I'm saving my pity for the young women who have to contend with their frequently unwelcome advances.

yupp, not married and 51 so not looking to get married at this point in my life, but why would you pity the middle aged men who don't view themselves through an honest lens? Women certainly have to, women view themselves through a more critical lens. not even a neutral one.

My dd was telling me that some old men ''your age!'' were bothering her and her friends when they were out the other night. I feel sorry for the younger women and the older women who want a partner (not me) but middle aged men are the ones who parade plump and bald through the sweet shop considering all their options.

@TheBoreOfHabilon

Oh I definitely find a fit 60 to 80 year old more sexually attractive than pretty much all 30 year old men. I'm in my 50s and 30 year olds mostly look like little boys to me.

That's actually ridiculous. An 80 year old of either sex is not ''sexually attractive''. Come on.

I'm 51 and although I wouldn't start a relationship with a 35 year old man for practical reasons, rationally you have to be aware that a 35 year old man is more attractive than a 65 year old man.

I do hate when women collude with men in propping up their delusion that ageing is only something that affects women.

An 80 year old of either sex is not ''sexually attractive''.

Er, it's really not for you to tell people who is and isn't sexually attractive. Harrison Ford will be 80 in July. I absolutely would and you really can't tell me I wouldn't.

Of course, he has the advantage of being Harrison Ford, but the point is, you can't dictate sexual attraction.

@UserBot9to5 I think you're missing the point. Bill Nighy is in his 70s but a lot more fuckable than many 35-45 year old men. I'm 40 and I'd have him over, say, James Corden any day of the week. The point is that was trying to be made is that keeping the spark alive is about yourself as much as your partner and too many men behave like it's only women that age physically. And also that physical ageing doesn't always mean reduced sexual attractiveness

ok. fair enough.

But in my opinion the poster who said she finds 60-80 year olds more attractive than 30 year olds may be thinking about things in terms of whether or not a relationship is going to be equal, whether or not they'll value you, move on quickly, be in the same life stage. Women are more likely to consider these things when assessing who's attractive to them, it's more like, an attractive prospect?

Objectively, can anybody really believe that a 60-80 year old is as attractive as they were at 30?

I'm sure on mumsnet it could be argued!!

[quote YukoandHiro]**@UserBot9to5* I think you're missing the point. Bill Nighy is in his 70s but a lot more fuckable than many 35-45 year old men. I'm 40 and I'd have him over, say, James Corden any day of the week. The point is that was trying to be made is that keeping the spark alive is about yourself as much as your partner and too many men behave like it's only women that age physically. And also that physical ageing doesn't always* mean reduced sexual attractiveness [/quote]
There's something attractive about him but I wouldn't see him in a sexual way due to his age. I agree he was attractive..

I' think I'm more like men seem to be. I just can't view men significantly older than I am in that light. This might be part of the reason I'm single! I'm ok with that.

My father was very young when I was born (as was my mother) and I've read that this can be a factor in the age bracket of men you can view in 'that way'. My friend, her father was 45 when she was born and she's always liked older men which to me was baffling as her husband is very attractive and her own age. But she was noticing older owlfellas who gave me the nigel havers heeby geebies. (this is light hearted). My Dad was 26 when I was born.

Well setting aside sex. You know that expression grumpy old men well it starts a lot earlier than you would expect. I've watched my own partner and friends partners change into grumpy set in their ways from 50 onwards. It's down to many things physiological a younger woman might mask this for a time similarly a sports car, motor bike, gym membership, but it lurks in the background

@UserBot9to5

ok. fair enough.

But in my opinion the poster who said she finds 60-80 year olds more attractive than 30 year olds may be thinking about things in terms of whether or not a relationship is going to be equal, whether or not they'll value you, move on quickly, be in the same life stage. Women are more likely to consider these things when assessing who's attractive to them, it's more like, an attractive prospect?

Objectively, can anybody really believe that a 60-80 year old is as attractive as they were at 30?

I'm sure on mumsnet it could be argued!!

That was me. It's all relative but right now yes I find older men more sexually appealing than 30 somethings. The thought of bedding a 30 year old does nothing for me at all. Well, maybe the postman but that's it.

The question about whether the 60 year old is as attractive as they were at 30 is a different question, but that's still relative.

@justasking111

Well setting aside sex. You know that expression grumpy old men well it starts a lot earlier than you would expect. I've watched my own partner and friends partners change into grumpy set in their ways from 50 onwards. It's down to many things physiological a younger woman might mask this for a time similarly a sports car, motor bike, gym membership, but it lurks in the background

Grumpiness starts after the signing of the legal marital paperwork.🤣

@UserBot9to5

I'm 51 and although I wouldn't start a relationship with a 35 year old man for practical reasons, rationally you have to be aware that a 35 year old man is more attractive than a 65 year old man.

I do hate when women collude with men in propping up their delusion that ageing is only something that affects women.

I agree with this (although I am happy dating much younger, as the practical reasons not to aren't relevant to my life) I accept that some women are attracted to older men, but also think there's a huge external push to keep it that way. From the absolute fiction that men age better than women; to the assumption that older men are a prize, and get to choose between us and young ones (in their dreams they do!) and we should sit around feeling sad that we're no longer in the game; to the harsh judgment directed at women who date younger men. None if it serves the interests of women of any age.

Absolutely, yes, ''a huge external push to keep it that way''.

My last boyfriend was 6 years younger than I am and he was a really good guy in that respect, never ever made me feel that he was too young for me. Not one single comment in over two years.

Do you think that the spark can come back? Through more time together, a holiday? When I feel "distant" from my DH, we make an extra effort to spend time alone or go away together (although I know this is difficult with children).

The only thing you can do really is talk to your wife honestly. She likely fishes for compliments because she can already feel something is wrong. Best thing to do would be to talk about it and see how (if) you can work it out