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Original poster

I don't fancy my wife - what should I say/do?

401 replies

User234937 · 28/01/2022 06:58

I'm a dad, here looking for some anonymous advice from a group of (mostly) female parents on a rather sensitive topic.

My wife complains that I never pay her any compliments. The fact is I simply don't really fancy her. What should I say or do?

I can think of a few options:

I could tell her what she wants to hear, even if it's insincere
I could do what I'm doing now - be nice, but don't say things I don't mean
I could suggest divorce

I'm currently doing option 2, and I know it upsets her sometimes, but I struggle to say nice things I don't really believe.

Any suggestions?

OP posts:
Michellexxx · 28/01/2022 21:09

Concentrate on the good things. Pay her compliments for things that she does, these things are attractive too. Then, build from that. Once a person feels more appreciated and hears compliments- physical or not- they will become more positive etc.
it’s probably not going to change things physically, although she might take more pride of feeling more confident- unsure if that’s an issue.
But if you’re determined to work on it, you need to support and positively approach things. Do not explain how unattractive you find her, it would be soul destroying.

jfhguseorjgijaerigjarfgj · 28/01/2022 21:19

One more thing - how would you feel seeing her with someone else? Would that attraction come back?

I know of people who have ended relationships because they started seeing their other half as a parent/ carer rather than a man/ woman in their own right and therefore lost the attraction. Then the OH formed a relationship with someone else, and seeing the OH through those new eyes made them jealous/ attracted to them again.

5128gap · 28/01/2022 21:28

Unless you find her physically repulsive, I'd say you're in the same boat as many if not most,
people in LTR. Certainly i know many women who feel this way. Even if a person is very attractive, you can get used to them after a while and don't 'fancy' them as much. And in truth, most people are not objectively very attractive, so I'd be surprised if they were all fancying each other like mad on the basis of their physical appearance alone. People enjoy physical relationships that are rooted in love, liking, familiarity, availability, enthusiasm, response to stimulation, rather that pure physical attraction. So if you have these with your wife, you will be doing as well as most people I think.

waterrat · 28/01/2022 22:46

Come on Op you know the answer. You don't get to paper over cracks while being totally dishonest. You have to tell your wife that the feelings are not there. She then gets to make an adult active decision about what SHE wants to do in this situation. You can work together on what might be next steps.

The absolute cruellest and worst thing you can do is fail to be honest and leave her constantly wondering.

Mumof3confused · 28/01/2022 23:05

It would probably be a good idea for you to have some couples counselling. It’s not fair on her to string her along while planning your escape.

Do you have sex?

freeatlast2021 · 28/01/2022 23:27

@User234937 The question is how do I handle the specific situation where I don't find my wife attractive, but I want to keep the marriage alive. How do I do that?

First of all, you have to be honest and tell your wife the truth. We cannot predict how she will react. She may immediately head for a divorce, who knows, but it is her right to do so. If she is also willing to work on the relationship, I would definitely suggest counseling. They will then give you some concrete advise as to how to move forward. The thing is, working on a relationship is a hard work and takes time, there are no quick and easy fixes.

Geppili · 29/01/2022 00:02

"The question is how do I handle the specific situation where I don't find my wife attractive, but I want to keep the marriage alive."

Your wife is not some kind of object. She is your marriage! If you don't love her passionately any longer, your marriage is dead. Don't try to fool yourself and don't carry on being so cruel. Accept the consequences. Leave her. Divorce her. Don't live a lie. Your children already know you don't love her and that she is deeply unhappy. Grow up!

Geppili · 29/01/2022 00:12

"But I want my kids to have the best opportunities and the best life I can give them, and if I can paper over the cracks in the marriage until they've left home, then I'm prepared to sacrifice my own happiness."

So bloody noble of you! You completely fail to understand that children's outcomes and best life are also dependent on what kind of relationships are modelled to them as they grow up. Private education and middle class trappings of comfort mean very little if you are brought up by parents in a loveless, deceitful marriage.

Geppili · 29/01/2022 00:15

Final point. How often do you have sex with your poor wife?

Topofthepop · 29/01/2022 00:24

Personally I have only been very physically attracted to one person for more than 2 years. I can see that someone is attractive after that but once the lust stage wears off then the mega attraction diminishes for me. I then have to find other things attractive about someone. If you don’t have the latter though then you need to do something about it.

Awakened22 · 29/01/2022 00:57

Firstly you don’t need to fancy someone to pay them compliments! Maybe you need to have a rethink about what you find attractive in each other as you get older as it will change and by making the effort to compliment her maybe you’ll start to remind yourself of how amazing she is. Compliment her on her smile, how she is with the kids, tell her if she looks happy, tell her you’re proud of her, buy her something nice for Valentine’s Day….

Does she get time away from being a wife and mum? Maybe treat her to a spa day or a shopping trip with a friend so she can pamper herself a bit and feel appreciated.

Weenurse · 29/01/2022 01:02

Try making friends with you wife again

AuntTwacky · 29/01/2022 01:26

Maybe she doesn't fancy you either

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 29/01/2022 03:31

The only way you can see if your marriage can continue is to talk to your wife about perceived problems.

If you keep her in the dark, you will just destroy what's left of it anyway, since you can't bring yourself to try to make her happy (it appears, from what you've said).

So Be Honest with her - if it leads to divorce, then so be it but at least do her the courtesy of knowing what is going on!

Currently you are not even showing her the basic respect she deserves as an equal adult in your partnership - this needs to be addressed.

If you can't bear to do it by yourself, then refer both of your marriage guidance counselling and DO something about it.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 29/01/2022 03:33

"...then refer both of you to marriage guidance counselling..." is what that should have said

MimiBaker · 29/01/2022 05:53

My take on it is I have made some poor life choices, and I have to live with the consequences.

What poor choices?

nellly · 29/01/2022 06:11

I think you're getting a hard time here. Sometimes the spark/attraction goes and it's hard to get back. You're not a bad person for realising that and it sounds like you want to do the right things.

I think you need to get out of your rut a bit to see if it can come back, do fun stuff with your wife, not just dinner which is a glorified version of eating together at home get a babysitter or nanny in to watch the kids. Recruit the right person who can deal with your son and they will build a rapport with your kids over time even if it's as hoc babysitting duties. You obviously have the money so use it,
Then go on some fab dates, indoor skydiving, tour of some place you both love, spa day or whatever you guys both enjoy. At least you'll know you tried everything to get it back

Nowayoutonlydown · 29/01/2022 07:58

If you want to work on it, spend time doing the things you did before life bece harder. Thongs change when you have kids and responsibilities, re-enact some of your old dates. Take her out, pay for her to have her hair done, a mini make over. Sometimes it's about forcing it a bit and the feelings might come back

Flakjacketon · 29/01/2022 08:17

This is a really difficult one. Only you know the actual state of your relationship and how unhappy you both are. I agree that your wife deserves the opportunity to find happiness with someone who does find her attractive.
However you mention your child with special needs who atends a private school. Children are fairly resilient and can cope with parents separating provided that: there is no DV; parents are civil, if not amicable; and they both prioritise their children. In this case you admit that your DC will definitely suffer as a consequence of a separation. Would removing them from their current school affect their life chances as well as their happiness? What about the guilt you will feel for ,choosing to change their life so fundamentally, and the guilt your wife will feel - because she will feel that she has failed them.
I would suggest marriage counselling but, if your wife has no idea how you feel, you could be opening a can of worms and your marriage could end anyway.
Perhaps try some individual counselling to help you make your decision. However if your decision is to stay until your child leaves school then that is horribly cruel, if your wife has no idea and thinks all is good, and you need to think again.

Croissantly · 29/01/2022 08:21

It sounds like not finding her attractive is only one element of this, and that you've lost the spark and are staying together just for the children. I think you should be honest though, you can talk about finances and schooling after, but she deserves the chance to move on if she wants once she knows you no longer want to be with her- please give her that choice.

MsDogLady · 29/01/2022 08:30

OP, it would help us if you would elaborate.

From your scarce details, you are not attracted to your Wife because she has aged. This is likely very clear to her.

It also sounds like you have a lack of empathy and regard for her. You say that you want to keep your marriage alive, but you are clearly creating distance between yourself and your Wife. She must have lovely qualities, yet you are withholding compliments. Do you ever compliment your children, relatives, friends or colleagues? Why is your Wife excluded? It’s no wonder that she feels unsettled and diminished.

I assume that your Wife has invested much love, sweat, tears and laughter into your marriage and the family you have created together. She has been your primary emotional relationship and support. She has also birthed and nurtured your 2 children, and has provided tremendous support to your child who struggles with his additional challenges.

My H and I have certainly aged, but the love and attraction I’ve always felt for him have deepened because of his personality and our shared trust, history, and affection. I feel sad for your Wife that her value has lessened in your eyes. Your children will be absorbing this.

She deserves your honesty and utmost respect, not a papered-over marriage of deception or her status as a Poor Life Choice whom you plan to leave once the nest empties. She deserves equality and transparency so that she can make informed choices about her life.

SartresSoul · 29/01/2022 08:34

Why don’t you fancy her now? You say she hasn’t ‘got fat’ so it isn’t a weight issue. What has changed so much to make her unattractive? Is it just the natural ageing process because this happens to absolutely everyone, I’m sure you don’t look 21 anymore either!

Maybe you need to manage your expectations somewhat. After a very long relationship, you won’t fancy someone in the same lustful way. You’re used to them for starters, you see them every day and you see her when she looks most disheveled every day too so at her worst. It’s just the way it is. Not everyone can be Margot Robbie as well as you mentioned, most people are just average looking.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 29/01/2022 08:49

I wonder what the plan is when the OP marries Margot and then 10 years later she has aged a bit?

powershowerforanhour · 29/01/2022 08:50

"I could tell her what she wants to hear, even if it's insincere
I could do what I'm doing now - be nice, but don't say things I don't mean
I could suggest divorce"

Well, you're already lying by omission- i.e. not telling her that you don't fancy her a jot: and in your situation that might be ok (not sure). But if it is acceptable to lie by omission then morally you also might as well go ahead and say some nice things you don't mean. You can always find something to compliment pretty much anyone on (Dale Carnegie said that, I know he was trying to win friends and influence people not stop a marriage completely falling apart but you can use the same principle).

MargotMoon · 29/01/2022 09:11

*The question is how do I handle the specific situation where I don't find my wife attractive, but I want to keep the marriage alive.

How do I do that?*

Honesty is the only way. You can't do this on your own, you have to let her in and handle it together. Trying to 'fix' the problem on your own is a lot of pressure to put on yourself. Given that she isn't showing signs of feeling the same she may be relieved that you are addressing it as she must know there is something wrong. So you could start by talking to her and then seeking counselling together. It's not fair for you to retain control of the situation by not being emotionally open with her. But doing the right thing is hardly ever the easy option, unfortunately.