I don't fancy my wife - what should I say/do?

[User234937]

I'm a dad, here looking for some anonymous advice from a group of (mostly) female parents on a rather sensitive topic.

My wife complains that I never pay her any compliments. The fact is I simply don't really fancy her. What should I say or do?

I can think of a few options:

I could tell her what she wants to hear, even if it's insincere
I could do what I'm doing now - be nice, but don't say things I don't mean
I could suggest divorce

I'm currently doing option 2, and I know it upsets her sometimes, but I struggle to say nice things I don't really believe.

Any suggestions?

Aging? We all age, including you and any new partner. You need to be more specific as if you once fancied her and all she’s done is age, it sounds pretty shallow.

You haven't said what you liked about her / fancied previously?

The question is how do I handle the specific situation where I don't find my wife attractive, but I want to keep the marriage alive

Be honest about it, tell her you want to stay but you can see the relationship is drying out and you would like for the two of you to work together on that.

A big thing is rebuilding “intimacy” and by that, I don’t mean sex. It about becoming close again and enjoying spending time together, which is one of those things that is massively important but is often put in the back burner because it is not an “urgent” one.

Marriage counselours can help too, many time the attractions goes because you or them are doing things that are not extreme but are enough to kill the wish to spend time together… nagging is one key one. Who ever is nagging becomes like a parent, but at the same time most people who nag do so because the other person has fully dump the mental load on them.

I loved my exH (like a brother) and was heartbroken at hurting him by breaking the marriage we had tried to repair for so many years. Surprisingly, when I opened about that we realised that we both felt the same so we both moved on into our new lives very quickly and without dramas two weeks after that conversation.

Then we tried to separate the assets and it became a nightmare!

Just one thing, there is a very high likelihood that when you say how you feel she doesn’t believe you. It is so easy to assume after so many years working together that is just one of those marriage bumpy times that can be ignored when it obviously shouldn’t.

As my very wise babysitter once said, the most important thing in a family is not the children but that the relationship of the parents is ok and nurtured, because if the parents are ok, the children are always ok.

I'm sure your wife would be ecstatic to hear you think she is a poor life choice!

The question is how do I handle the specific situation where I don't find my wife attractive, but I want to keep the marriage alive.

Crikey! Do you mean physically "attractive" - that is such a shallow way of thinking about it. This is a woman who has risked her life & health (child bearing is not without physical cost/risk to any woman) to bear & birth your 2 children, and you are boiling your marriage down to her attractiveness to you?

Gosh, I'm a bit aghast. I didn't realise there were men so superficial. And you aim to be an upstanding "good" father ...

I hope you're reading through some of the excellent advice here. I have none to add, I'm afraid, because I'm just a bit shocked at your superficiality and lack of emotional intelligence.

It’s cruel of you to not free your wife of you, she deserves so much better.

I didn't realise there were men so superficial..
That's hard to believe, a portion of the male population leave their wives for younger models when they reach menopause or near it (or when when "spark" has gone completely. Others cheat for such reasons; married dating websites are 99% full of men saying saying spark has gone.

Have you not noticed even the first, esp among men who are better off and can attract younger women more easily.

There are tonnes of high profile examples.

And nearly various thread a day on here with those circumstances.

No help here but if you don't want to leave and you're not going to make any huge efforts to find someway to get your head around it and be more positive, you're just going to have to count the blessings that you do have then put up and shut up.

Have you ever asked her how she feels?

The question is how do I handle the specific situation where I don't find my wife attractive, but I want to keep the marriage alive.

While posters are correct that it is shallow hal esque abd perhaps you should look at attraction in different way that's not purely physical....

The only two things I can suggest a sex less marriage or an open marriage until kids are grown up.

Most ppl will not agree to an open marriage however.

And open marriages tend to get messy, mucky and fail, when one or both ppl catch feelings for other ppl.

You would also have to be honest that you plan to break up when the kids are a certain age.

I really don't think that you can reason people into finding someone attractive. However, if the problem is more the situation around them, that might be changeable.

[quote ILoveHuskies]@AngelinaFibres what an absolute arsehole your ex was

I am so glad you are happy again[/quote]
At the time I was devastated and angry . Our children were only 3 and 2. The thing is he actually did me the biggest favour possible. I would never have left. I was brought up in a family where everyone stayed married, even if they were as miserable as sin. I would never have discovered just how much I could achieve on my own and the good times that were out there. He had a thing about ageing too Op. He liked young women, hence the affair with a teenager when he was a 32 year old married father of 2. They were together for years and had a child. Whilst that child was at primary school and his second wife was 30 something he was happy.She was young, the child was young so he must be young too. When new wife hit 40 the trouble started.He became obsessed with looking young. He literally starved himself to remain the weight he was at 18. He wore clothes that his twenty something sons were wearing. He rode motorcycles like an idiot because he was young. He and I are both 56. He is now separated from second wife because she isn't young anymore. I married again. My husband loves the bones of me. He loves how I dress and how I do my hair. He tells me so all the time. It's brilliant. The thing is he is 60 this year. He doesn't look 60 but he also doesn't look 30. He works out and dresses well because he wants me to fancy him as much as he fancies me. I make an effort for myself but also for him. My sons are grown men and have homes of their own so I have time to spend on myself and space in my brain to care about whether my roots need doing or which outfit would make me look fabulous. When they were small those things were not at the top of my list. I cannot imagine the added stress of a child with extra issues. Op can you honestly say that your wife has the time and the money to put herself first ? Do you honestly do your share? Does she have time to go to the hairdresser? Does she have time to care about going to the hairdresser or to get showered and dressed without your children invading her space. She can't help ageing. You have also aged but surely you have so much shared stuff that you wouldn't have if you split.....shared jokes, shared memories, shared songs, stuff that only you 2 understand. Those are the things that bind you when swinging from the chandeliers is less of an option. When was the last time you two laughed so much you had tears running down your cheeks? You say she hasn't put on weight but she has aged and that's not fanciable. Is it the clothes shec wears, how she does her hair . Those things can be improved IF she feels they need to
be improved. I doubt you honestly dress like an international supermodel and I dare say your hair is thinner than it was You have certainly aged as much as she has. It's a team effort Op . People who feel loved and valued and happy glow no matter whether they are going to a ball or clearing out a shed. Do you just give a quick hug as you go past on the way to the kitchen or snuggle up on the sofa or has all the stuff that's makes someone feel connected gone. Counselling may help you to talk honestly to each other and to rebuild things on both sides. You may well find she isn't keen on lots of things about you either. No amount of counselling will make either if you 20 again. If that is not something you can deal with then let her go.

@Tamworth123 yes you're right, but I'm trying to believe that many men are better than this, and take responsibility for the emotions and work at their relationships. Naive of me, I know ...

@NowEvenBetter

It’s cruel of you to not free your wife of you, she deserves so much better.

Well the wife has some agency. I’d say that she totally able to say that enough is enough and leave of she wants to.

She doesn’t need her DH to ‘free her up’. I’m sure she can do that herself.p like any other adult in a relationship. If she is deciding to stay, there will be a reason.

I really dint like that position of it being cruel etc… it’s putting all the power into men’s hands.

You both deserve to be with people who fancy the arse off you. I stopped fancying my ex husband. He put lots of weight on and was selfish in bed and rarely at home anyway due to his job.
We divorced in the end and I am now very happily married to someone I fancy the arse off and if he is to be believed it's mutual 😁

You could approach your DS school, sometimes private schools will do reduced fees or a bursary (my DC old private school did) so don't stay together based on an assumption - anything could happen.

Life is too short and I bet this is slowly killing your DW, she will know deep down and it will hurt badly. Unless she is deliberately trying to put you off (and why would she?) it's just one of those sad things that happen sometime. Be kind to her and let her find someone who fancies the arse off her.

@MananaTomorrow but the wife doesn’t have the information she needs to make an informed decision. She may wrongly think that her husband does not consider her a ’poor life choice’

The thing is lots of men go for younger models, until they can’t, shallow, are you suffering mid life crisis and pregnancy look alike gut?

I wonder if you would have the children and set her free? 🤔

Or 50-50 care...?

What is it you are not attracted to?
Her looks? Intellect? Has she become boring?
People grow older and some people change and thrive and others sadly just seem to degenerate.

Sorry this has happened OP. It is a sad thing.
I think you need to set her free. Your children will not be happy in the middle of this relationship. She will pick up on your vibes, and this will further and further destroy her, and you will fancy her less and less because of this.
You say you already have dates and time together, so if that is not working, I struggle to see how it will improve. But if you are willing to try , I would try getting some dates similar to the ones you had when you felt for her. If you travelled, do so. If weekends away... whatever made you happy back then. And see if your spark gets back.
Also, no need to lie, but you could still compliment her. About how she handled something, about how she put an outfit together, her sense of humour, kindness, whatever is true and good about her. It should make her more confident that she is now, and happier, so likely to be closer to the person you felt for.
Otherwise, you are just sucking the life out of each other.

Also, do a bit of self analysis. Some minority of people only want and value something that they do not have or are trying to conquer. Once is theirs, they lose interest. It can apply to partners, a bit like the heartbreaker type. Having children seems to be this "conquer" stage quite frequently. Did you have long relationships before her? Or a bit of conquer, lose interest, move to next type? If you find that there may be a pattern here, then you should get counceling and try to find a solution, work on yourself.

[quote NowEvenBetter]@MananaTomorrow but the wife doesn’t have the information she needs to make an informed decision. She may wrongly think that her husband does not consider her a ’poor life choice’[/quote]
Well she clearly knows something isn’t right otherwise she wouldn’t complain that he ‘never gives her compliments’.

So I’d say she knows. Maybe not all of it (but then do you really need or want to know that you were a ‘poor lifestyle choice’?) but I’m pretty sure she is able to make a choice.

On the other side, setting her free might well mean leaving her deal with two dcs, one with SN, no job because she gave it up to look after the SN child/get diagnosis etc… basically setting her free might well mean putting in the shit big way.

Leaving isn’t always the best solution. And ending up a single parent with no choice, no warning and no possibility to get ready for it can create more problems than anything else.
I’d take making my own choice in my own time as to when to live a twat over him leaving me in the shit, dealing with the fall out because he can take the high ground for having set me free.

You haven’t really said WHY you don’t find her attractive or if you ever did. If you used to fancy her and she has just aged then I think you need to look at how realistic you are being to expect to feel the same level of attraction. However if you never fancied her or if she has changed massively then I think it’s reasonable to assume this isn’t fixable.

@User234937 you reap what you sow.

Love isn't just physical it's emotional and not just an emotional reaction to physical attraction. There must have been other qualities that attracted you to your wife other than just looks?

Most grown ups make the decision to marry knowing looks fade but character doesn't. You married because you wanted a life partner not a trophy yes?

Looks aside, is she a good partner?

Start by complimenting how she is rather than what she looks like and build on from there.

IMHO you're a jackass though.

Still can't understand why you are not attracted to her. If it is just because she has 'aged', then what are you going to do moving forward? Only form relationships with younger women (if any will have you) and drop them as soon as they have aged?

Attraction ebbs and flows and changes as you get older. But if you love someone it should still be there.

Do you see her - as maybe she views herself due to all her responsibilities - as a 'mum' rather than a woman in her own right?

Tell. Her. The. Truth!

She deserves it.