I don't fancy my wife - what should I say/do?

[User234937]

I'm a dad, here looking for some anonymous advice from a group of (mostly) female parents on a rather sensitive topic.

My wife complains that I never pay her any compliments. The fact is I simply don't really fancy her. What should I say or do?

I can think of a few options:

I could tell her what she wants to hear, even if it's insincere
I could do what I'm doing now - be nice, but don't say things I don't mean
I could suggest divorce

I'm currently doing option 2, and I know it upsets her sometimes, but I struggle to say nice things I don't really believe.

Any suggestions?

I don't fancy your wife either.

Tell her the truth.

My eight year relationship is over as I'm sure he doesn't fancy me anymore but hasn't the balls to tell me. I've ended it and I'm now having the best sex of my life with someone I've fancied for two years.

Set her free for god sake, it's over!!

I read a study recently which I thought was really interesting.
It's all in the brain... when happy in a relationship you will only have eyes for your partner. Your brain basically downplay the attractiveness of everyone else around; like your partner is under the spotlight everyone else in the shadows. But if your affections start wandering, everyone around you becomes more appealing, your relationship off the right track.
After 2 years of covid, I would suggest you invest a little time and efforts to court your wife. Do activities together, play and have fun together. Support her so she can have some me time and self care. You think she has changed, I am sure she thinks you have as well. Without being hurtful you can have an honest discussion and say that you feel you are disconnecting and would like to work at your relationship. You have made a commitment to love and cherish, withdrawing emotionally will negatively impact her self esteem. Communicating will avoid her feeling blindsided. If after 6 months you still feel the same way then re-open the discussion may be suggesting counselling. You both deserve to be happy and fulfilled. Don't just bide your time because it is comfortable or you fear confrontation ... and do not wait till a third party gets involved. I hope you can find a way to rekindle your love for each other, but if it cannot be mended know you will have fought and done all you could and move on with strength & peace of mind.

How old is she?

It's funny but the men I've found attractive over the years have always been roughly the same age as me. I look at twenty-somethings now and they do nothing for me at all.

I think it's so sad that an awful lot of men don't mature like that - they get stuck in the rut of finding twenty-somethings attractive ... as their DW gets older and older, then suddenly they're 60 and they're dirty old men leering at young women. Tragic.

@crlautum

How old is she?

It's funny but the men I've found attractive over the years have always been roughly the same age as me. I look at twenty-somethings now and they do nothing for me at all.

I think it's so sad that an awful lot of men don't mature like that - they get stuck in the rut of finding twenty-somethings attractive ... as their DW gets older and older, then suddenly they're 60 and they're dirty old men leering at young women. Tragic.

I agree with this. I find men my age most attractive... maybe a little (up to a decade at a push) older and younger.

I wonder if it is different for many men. Hesitate to say all. My partner claims his tastes have changed like mine (but he would say that I guess).

Any insight from men??? And I'm not talking about objectively acknowledging someone is beautiful or good looking (I can acknowledge that in a man/woman/child), I'm talking about sexual desire.

I think it is different for many men. I’m sure given the choice, most men would choose a woman in her 20’’s if it were just on looks and body alone. I think they are wired that way. However most men are realistic enough to know that they won’t get one. They still virtually all go for younger women in younger age ranges on dating sites though.

OP- it’s tough but only talking will help in the first instance. You need to be careful with words though and how you approach it. It could be a very upsetting thing to hear for your wife if you tell her that you don’t find her attractive. As someone else alluded to above, “lost our connection and I’d really like to try to find this again” etc. it might not work and you may never fancy her again but it at least gives her the chance to engage.

This thread just makes me think about Helen Mirren who I think is as sexy as hell (I'm female).

@crlautum

This thread just makes me think about Helen Mirren who I think is as sexy as hell (I'm female).

I think - as a woman - there are many very attractive and "sexy" older women. But I wonder (not sure) if it's the minority being realistic. Whereas maybe for men, most 20 somethings are. I know some will be more attractive to them than others, but maybe youth and younger looks/body just necessarily gives them an edge. So it's easier to be sexy at 21 than 71. I actually don't think this about men. Im not saying I fancy 90 year olds, but I have a suspicion that when I am 80, I might do! I would never ever in a million years have believed I'd find a 50 something year old man sexy if I had thought about it at 20 or even 30. But I do. Much more so than I would find a 20 or 30 year old attractive now. I'm not being sexist or saying it is a truism, just a theory? Maybe men can enlighten me/us.

OP is a tad absent?

The bottom line is you don't find her attractive and in her heart she knows that...hence why she has asked you.

Staying for the kids is laudable but also corrosive for them and your wife as things will get worse and bitter between you. Understand you worries re the schooling but perhaps it is better long term to divorce and share the parenting

@NoSquirrels

What's changed - I suppose it's probably just ageing, time isn't kind to any of us.

Are you literally saying your attraction to your wife was all based on how she looked?

Not on personality?

@NoSquirrels

Why is that so shocking to you?? Sexual attraction can be a mix of both. You can be sexually attracted to someone without knowing them. I would say most men who've walked down a street and seen a hot woman haven't pondered 'hmmm.....but I wonder what her personality is like?'

Of course, EarthSight - but if you’re marrying them and tying your whole life to them you’d hope it was just a smidge more of a connection than the initial phwooar response to the hot woman on the street!

I’m not at all shocked at sexual attraction - I am shocked anyone could be so shallow that their whole committed relationship was based on not whether they loved the whole person, body, mind & soul, but just their youthful body.

Completely agree with NoSquitrels!

@MananaTomorrow

I would advise working on the relationship first before jumping to divorce." That's kind of my point. I do want to work at it, to keep it alive.

I’d say start by looking at your DW as a person. Tell yourself that you love her and what would you DO for her then
Not the verb DO. Loving someone, keeping a relationship alive is something you DO, something you conscientiously do rather than something that just happens.

So act as if you love her.
Notice when she is struggling maybe she has a lot in her plate, she is trying to do 3 things at once. Step in and lessen the lad for her. Take more responsibility in the house.
Look at what is annoying her. That won’t be ‘not paying her enough compliment’, that I can assure you. The compliments are the symptoms of the issues, not what is actually bothering her. Work on that.
Remind yourself how what you did when you FIRST started to go out together. What did you do for her? Did you buy her yellow tulips because you knew she loves those? Did you sit down and watch a film SHE wanted to watch? Did you share your days, your happiness and your worries? Aka you were making yourself vulnerable. What is making her feel loved?

What you don’t do is take her to a fancy restaurant wo changing anything else and hope that telling she looks nice tonight will be enough.

100% this @User234937

Op do you find other women your wife’s age attractive
Is this about ‘ your wife ‘ or you not finding older women attractive in general

@bunglebells
There was a big study done showing that although womens age preference in men tends to age as they do , men found 22 yrs olds to be most attractive. That’s regardless of the man’s age , whether he was 22 or 80
. So yes it is about men
Not saying that’s the case for every man or even for this poster. , who knows . That’s why it would be interesting to know how many women his wife’s age he finds attractive or whether he’s just desiring younger

[quote Anothergreatday]@bunglebells
There was a big study done showing that although womens age preference in men tends to age as they do , men found 22 yrs olds to be most attractive. That’s regardless of the man’s age , whether he was 22 or 80
. So yes it is about men
Not saying that’s the case for every man or even for this poster. , who knows . That’s why it would be interesting to know how many women his wife’s age he finds attractive or whether he’s just desiring younger[/quote]
Sort of depressing really... for women and men...

I personally think there is no hope for the op's wife.

If someone can post something so lacking in emotional intellegence as this post, his realisation of appreciating the mother of his children and her contribution to his life is pretty slim.

It really is very shallow and op clearly didn't have the self awareness to realise he shouldn't have married her, or anyone really, as aging comes to us all.

Do you understand what love is op ?

@sparkleywallpaper

OP is a tad absent?

I suspect because people’s answer is about him putting a lot of work in, questioning what is actually wrong rather than just taking his word for it and asking him he is that shallow that he can’t cope with his dw ageing at the same rate than him.

I doubt @User234937 will be back tbh. Because it’s not the type of answer he wanted. If he ever wanted one,

We're all focussing on the wrong problem. The ONLY thing you need to sort out of how to afford the private school for your child after you split up.

I wonder if OP would be considering leaving if he was going to have full time custody of his children.

[quote Anothergreatday]@bunglebells
There was a big study done showing that although womens age preference in men tends to age as they do , men found 22 yrs olds to be most attractive. That’s regardless of the man’s age , whether he was 22 or 80
. So yes it is about men
Not saying that’s the case for every man or even for this poster. , who knows . That’s why it would be interesting to know how many women his wife’s age he finds attractive or whether he’s just desiring younger[/quote]
I think its less about the age and more about physical appearance. You do get some men who reach a certain age and (try to) go for young women because of their own ego issues. Otherwise im men are attracted to good figures, great hair and pretty faces. Young women may be more likely to have these things, but if an older woman has them also she will have plenty of sexual interest, more so than a young woman without these characteristics.

Op do you find other women your wife’s age attractive

A key question, as is this one:

I wonder if OP would be considering leaving if he was going to have full time custody of his children.

but I doubt @User234937 will be back!

As @Onthedunes says, an OP this shallow is seeking a quick fix. He want to be seen as "the good guy" but also wants us to tell him he's justified in not complimenting his wife (or seemingly caring about her as a human being).

He wants to have his cake and eat it too.

@5128gap
‘ I think its less about the age and more about physical appearance. You do get some men who reach a certain age and (try to) go for young women because of their own ego issues. Otherwise im men are attracted to good figures, great hair and pretty faces. Young women may be more likely to have these things, but if an older woman has them also she will have plenty of sexual interest, more so than a young woman without these characteristics.’

• a good face is relative . A pretty woman is a pretty woman regardless of whether she is 22 or 52 but a 52 yr old will usually look more mature . Many many men just value youth . If it was just about the things you say why did the age of 22 come up as the ideal rather than say 30 . Most women I know look their best later once they know what styles suit them and come into their own

• women tend to like a tight body and good looks too which men have at a younger age . A thirty year old man’s body is very often. Better than a 60 year old yet womens tastes grow with their age . So there’s obviously something about the actual age involved . In truth I think many men like the naivety and fact older women are more likely to pull them up on bad behaviour ….but who knows

Really it’s concerning that the thing men seem to find most attractive is youth ir the attributes that show a woman is youthful . Seems very little value is put in life experience , personality , kindness etc
And that is what I think is sad

You're trying too hard to cling on to a dead marriage, either you want to stay and enjoy the companionship or leave be single and find someone you fancy, although no guarantee you'll find a long term relationship again, what would you rather?