Dating Thread 224: Keeping it casual or searching for The One

[WeWantTheFinestWines]

I'll cut and paste the rules in a minute

[quote ReturnOfTheBunk]@ibelieveinmirrorballs

Sorry I meant 32.2557% and 27.5467%, sounds a bit more plausible! [/quote]
I think we need some standard deviations thrown in for good measure 😝

@ibelieveinmirrorballs

🤓💪🏽

I love overanalysing the dating more than doing it! Just call it “data-ing”.

Ps the above posts probably explain my long term single status

@Gettingonwithit12

Can I ask some quick opinions of you wise people please? Last week I agreed to meet a new guy from OLD this Friday (first day we were both free)- no time or venue set, assumed we would agree that this week- a few messages this week but no move from him to agree date details- how late would you leave it before assuming it wasn’t happening? I really, really don’t want to be the one to chase- I have been burnt by this before! If he actually wanted to see me he would make arrangements, right?

I’m disappointed as he seemed genuine, but this has happened to me before. Wondering how long to leave it before I make alternative plans…

I would message him. At least that way you will know and can draw a line or look forward to Friday.

I’m too tired to talk to any of my irons
I’ve had two mental health appts for my son, one more to go, and a blistering argument on texts with ex about son

Not feeling flirty

@Bangheadhere40

I've deleted my apps as well now, he did yesterday. I wanted to - no interest in getting to know anyone else.

This is so weird..

Really happy for you! I bet you're super excited for Saturday!

Thanks @Daydreamscometrue, panic over as he has texted this evening to make a plan- I am amazed!!

After moaning last week about lack of chats I’ve managed to bag a few irons over the weekend. Favourite of which is mr offshore who seems to be on the same page wanting the same things, lots in common and lovely without being boring. Only problem is as the name suggests he works offshore so could be away for potentially upto a month 🤦🏼‍♀️

Can't believe how behind I am on the thread! Catching up but I hope everyone is OK.

Just MrT for me. Spent my first overnight with him last weekend. Was absolutely lovely. We fit together really nicely in all of the ways.

However, I'm still finding I'm having to do a lot of self work. And it doesn't help he's going through a particularly tough time. We seem to be navigating it but I wish it was easier. I wouldn't have these issues if I didn't like him so damn much. Does that make sense? Probably not. I always figured I'd find someone I was meh about, rather than really caring if I lost them. It feels worth the inner work though and I've learnt a lot about myself. Trying to work through it by myself these days and only bringing things to the table if I hit a wall and need his perspective.

Anywho. We're leading up to friend introductions. Coming up fast on 3 months now. Early days still I suppose but we know a lot about each other at this point. Good and bad. Ultimately I feel blessed and honoured to know him. He's a good guy. Even if it doesn't work out I'll be thankful for the lessons I've learnt along the way.

Still finding the lack of lovebombing the hardest thing to deal with. He's always there when I hit that wall and need reassurance but... it's always nagging in the back of my mind... like.. I can do my own stuff. We don't need to be attached at the hip. And yet you still like me and see this going somewhere?

It's a really good thing. Taking rewiring though 🙈

@InABetterPlaceNow that sounds absolutely lovely, I’m pleased for you :)

I need to take a leaf out of your book on waiting to have an overnight / sleep with them. If I fancy them I usually get overly excited / tipsy, do it early and then feel attached which is very misleading as I don’t even know if I really like them or not. I have no idea how I’d hold it off for three months as I feel like most people expect at least something on date 3 nowadays! It’s nice to find someone who is happy to get to know you first.

[quote StartingAgain33]@InABetterPlaceNow that sounds absolutely lovely, I’m pleased for you :)

I need to take a leaf out of your book on waiting to have an overnight / sleep with them. If I fancy them I usually get overly excited / tipsy, do it early and then feel attached which is very misleading as I don’t even know if I really like them or not. I have no idea how I’d hold it off for three months as I feel like most people expect at least something on date 3 nowadays! It’s nice to find someone who is happy to get to know you first.[/quote]
Haha I only lasted 5 weeks until we DTD 🙈 Would have been before but I set strong boundaries (and wound myself up in the process) plus asked for exclusively first 🤪 I had to do that due to trauma in my past - I'm fine with one night stands but for something that may or may not have panned out longer term I didn't want to add all the hormone stuff in too much.

The waiting till now for overnight has been purely childcare related to be comfortable leaving my eldest (young adult) with the younger ones (pre teens). Which worked remarkably well, she seemed to thrive on the responsibility and I came back to her having tidied the front room and in the middle of hoovering, then she went on to make stuffed jalapeño cheese burgers for everyone while I put my feet up?! The fire alarm only went off once 😁

I think my anxiety has gone up since then as I absolutely loved sharing a bed with him overnight. Hormone overload most likely. Plus it wasn't as sex heavy as I assumed it would be - he wanted to do other far more mundane stuff most of the time 😅 and it was bloody lovely!!

I just want to do that lots more. And my brain tells me it's not likely to happen. We shall see!

@InABetterPlaceNow ah that makes more sense!! Five weeks is still a really good amount! But yes I’d be climbing the walls…

Your daughter sounds amazing - you seem to have struck gold?!

What kind of mundane things did you like doing?

@ibelieveinmirrorballs Thank you for answering my questions, sorry I didn't make it back yesterday- work got in the way. I love how open he has been with you about it all.

I hope the chat last night went as well as it could do in the circumstances.

Its really interesting the things you say about his emotional unavailability because I am very similar except I have actually got counselling to start addressing my emotional unavailability.
Mr K is perfect for me because he is also emotionally unavailable and there is no pressure to discuss feelings etc
I too have all my needs met by my life and really only need Mr K for sex....
Relationships are a minefield 😦

So sorry @ibelieveinmirrorballs things seem to be falling apart, such a shame as ypu have great times with him. Love reading @HairyArsedMan intelligent post on the male perspective.

I feel like I’m a mild female version of MrMixtape or MrHedghog. Minus the academia and mountain climbing. What makes someone so avoidant? I’ve never been married, never want to, don’t want children. What makes someone like that?? It’s like something inside just pushes people away. Maybe some people male or female are more happy being solitary?? But having closeness through strong friendships… I know it’s something I can’t help and certainly don’t mean to hurt people but being overly close has always been kind of repellent to me. I don’t even know why.

@BelladiMamma how’s doggbert now? Hope hes all better 💗💗

@Bangheadhere40

I've deleted my apps as well now, he did yesterday. I wanted to - no interest in getting to know anyone else.

This is so weird..

Go with it @Bangheadhere40 enjoy it x

@ButterflyOfShay Avoidant or emotional unavailable people generally have these issues due to their childhood.
I'm not talking full on abuse stuff, just lack of love/care/boundaries as a child.

My emotional unavailability stems from my childhood (which I learnt in counselling) even though I'd say I had a pretty good childhood.

Hey @SortingItOut.. thanks.. yeah, that figures. The private medical cover I have with work are hopefully approving me for 16 sessions of therapy!! Bit scared about it but we’ll see. I feel in a great place so hopefully talking about things is not going to put me back!

@ButterflyOfShay

Hey *@SortingItOut*.. thanks.. yeah, that figures. The private medical cover I have with work are hopefully approving me for 16 sessions of therapy!! Bit scared about it but we’ll see. I feel in a great place so hopefully talking about things is not going to put me back!

That is fantastic news @ButterflyOfShay. Really great to hear that they're stumping up for more than the desultory 6 usually proposed.

[quote SortingItOut]@ibelieveinmirrorballs Thank you for answering my questions, sorry I didn't make it back yesterday- work got in the way. I love how open he has been with you about it all.

I hope the chat last night went as well as it could do in the circumstances.

Its really interesting the things you say about his emotional unavailability because I am very similar except I have actually got counselling to start addressing my emotional unavailability.
Mr K is perfect for me because he is also emotionally unavailable and there is no pressure to discuss feelings etc
I too have all my needs met by my life and really only need Mr K for sex....
Relationships are a minefield 😦[/quote]
Thanks @SortingItOut. Yes unfortunately the way he has handled everything just makes him more attractive

The chat went well all things considered. Not least because his opening gambit was that he realises that he needs to sort himself out and is going to get therapy to do so. This was a bit of a 'volte face' from our conversation earlier in the week where he said well yes, I could get therapy to help me have a committed relationship - but what if I don't want to change?

We didn't reach any firm conclusions although I think we may well decide to end things. He managed to tell me some difficult things about how he was feeling 'hemmed in' by the sort of inevitability of us needing to see each other every weekend, and feeling like I was just waiting for him to agree to see me and not being independent enough and making my own arrangements. I find this a real conundrum - I totally get what he means, but if I know I am only free every other weekend and if we don't see each other it's a month's break... then I want to arrange to see him! Not sure how to be more relaxed about that, but can also see how in an early stage of dating that it's a bit predictable. I think he is allergic to predictable and pedestrian {thinks back to bird hide activities }

Much of the chat last night was about whether it's possible to continue seeing each other whilst each trying to fix our relationship woes with a counsellor. It's certainly what I'm doing. Interestingly my counsellor is very in favour of him, from what I've shared, because I think she too thinks that it can be very powerful if you meet someone and have a healthy connection, to work on these issues alongside.

Do you think MrK would ever have counselling to address his emotional unavailability? What if you solve yours and he still has his?

TBF some people just aren't geared up to be that sexual/romantic (there's a technical name for it but I even think that makes it a bit too "pretentious sounding").

It is definitely nice to have companionship, emotional and practical support, to feel attractive and included and wanted.

Whether you need to get that through a 1-1 monogamous/heteronormative relationship is another issue?

I'm a bit of a spiritual/hippy type (don't worry guys I won't make us all sit in a circle and read the Bible at the meet ) and I do meet people who are a bit older than me, who have focussed on meditation retreats and yoga and festivals and it seems to be a peaceful enough life...

There's a concept in research called "equifinality" which basically means "lots of ways to get to the same destination".

Being in love with a partner and being in a great relationship can be one way to a content and fulfilled life, there's also other ways too - emotional wellbeing is a separate thing to dating (IMO).

@ButterflyOfShay Great news that you can have 16 sessions of counselling.
I know you feel in a good place right now but issues still need addressing (even if they put you back slightly) because they have a habit of rearing their ugly head again and usually at inconvenient times.

Although I know my emotional unavailability comes from my parents I don't resent them for it, they did the best they could and raised me and my brothers how they were raised (and probably how their parents were raised). I can see it in my wider family too, everyone has raised their children the same and I,unfortunately did too,luckily their dad was able to show love more than me - I've changed now but I know its too late as my kids are adults ☹

@ReturnOfTheBunk

TBF some people just aren't geared up to be that sexual/romantic (there's a technical name for it but I even think that makes it a bit too "pretentious sounding").

It is definitely nice to have companionship, emotional and practical support, to feel attractive and included and wanted.

Whether you need to get that through a 1-1 monogamous/heteronormative relationship is another issue?

I'm a bit of a spiritual/hippy type (don't worry guys I won't make us all sit in a circle and read the Bible at the meet ) and I do meet people who are a bit older than me, who have focussed on meditation retreats and yoga and festivals and it seems to be a peaceful enough life...

There's a concept in research called "equifinality" which basically means "lots of ways to get to the same destination".

Being in love with a partner and being in a great relationship can be one way to a content and fulfilled life, there's also other ways too - emotional wellbeing is a separate thing to dating (IMO).

It's very complicated isn't it. I do think though that if someone is 'push-pull' with it, there's a good chance they're acting out of fear rather than it being an overall low drive to be sexual or romantic.

Totally the case though that there are some much less rollercoastery ways to get your emotional wellness than through romantic relationships!

@ButterflyOfShay

So sorry *@ibelieveinmirrorballs things seem to be falling apart, such a shame as ypu have great times with him. Love reading @HairyArsedMan* intelligent post on the male perspective.

I feel like I’m a mild female version of MrMixtape or MrHedghog. Minus the academia and mountain climbing. What makes someone so avoidant? I’ve never been married, never want to, don’t want children. What makes someone like that?? It’s like something inside just pushes people away. Maybe some people male or female are more happy being solitary?? But having closeness through strong friendships… I know it’s something I can’t help and certainly don’t mean to hurt people but being overly close has always been kind of repellent to me. I don’t even know why.

I'd say given the things you've mentioned about your family there's a good chance there's a link between your childhood experiences and your attitudes towards intimacy in relationships. I think if we have to learn to be emotionally self-sufficient as children it can be hard to let others in as adults.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs Glad the chat went well and that he will be seeking therapy.
Interesting point about predictability, sounds like he likes living on the edge and craves the excitement of not quite knowing when he's going to see you again. This is fine if your spare time was not so limited and you want to see him regularly.

Mr K would never have counselling, he doesn't believe in it🤦‍♀️
When we met he told me he was guarded and no longer wore his heart on his sleeve, this was due to being cheated on in his marriage and then a long term relationship.
My counsellor doesn't think he is emotionally unavailable as he has said some quite deep stuff to me and I, in my emotionally unavailable state batted it away with humour and downplayed it.

I'm not sure what will happen when I'm 'fixed' although right now I still can't see me ever being vulnerable and letting someone in or making declarations of love etc. I just can't think about letting those barriers down - thank you twat of an ex husband for making me like this😡

@ibelieveinmirrorballs

God yes! MrHedgehog is clearly attracted to me, has done all the "perfect date" stuff, dropped a lot of money on dates, "made the effort in terms of turning up when tired" (and not just to "get sex", that was just me instigating )

so the "distant" thing in between is a bit of a head-fuck.

On my side, I'm just reconfiguring and self-soothing as there's not a lot else to do?

@SortingItOut mentioned some great points about learning self-soothing techniques (they don't come naturally to me as I had quite a lot of early trauma?) and it's a bit of a "journey" rather than an exact solution but I am getting there!

Like a couple years ago I'd be on the apps looking for attention and replacement men to "get rid of the bad feelings", whereas I'm now practicing yoga, meditating...even if it's not a 100% immediate cure-all solution it feels a lot healthier, and long may this journey continue.