Dating Thread 224: Keeping it casual or searching for The One

[WeWantTheFinestWines]

I'll cut and paste the rules in a minute

@SortingItOut were you more emotionally available before your marriage? I also had a horrific marriage and divorce so it's very difficult navigating these waters now.

Yes I'm not sure there's a solution to the conundrum re arrangements. We agreed to continue the conversation another time as it was late and if we do it'll need more discussion. I am absolutely not interested in being cast in the role of 'woman trying to pin him down' though.

The thing that came up repeatedly was that he finds it almost impossible to raise how he is feeling when something is making him feel uncomfortable. So he says nothing but inwardly panics. We should be able to talk about how to make arrangements (or not), or how often to see each other (or not), without one person feeling trampled over the other or whatever. I now understand why he kept asking me exactly what kind of set up I wanted, which felt bloody irritating, because I was the one opening up all the time and saying what I thought would work, while he kept quiet because it was too hard for him to engage with it all, but inwardly I think silently panicking.

[quote ReturnOfTheBunk]@ibelieveinmirrorballs

God yes! MrHedgehog is clearly attracted to me, has done all the "perfect date" stuff, dropped a lot of money on dates, "made the effort in terms of turning up when tired" (and not just to "get sex", that was just me instigating )

so the "distant" thing in between is a bit of a head-fuck.

On my side, I'm just reconfiguring and self-soothing as there's not a lot else to do?

@SortingItOut mentioned some great points about learning self-soothing techniques (they don't come naturally to me as I had quite a lot of early trauma?) and it's a bit of a "journey" rather than an exact solution but I am getting there!

Like a couple years ago I'd be on the apps looking for attention and replacement men to "get rid of the bad feelings", whereas I'm now practicing yoga, meditating...even if it's not a 100% immediate cure-all solution it feels a lot healthier, and long may this journey continue.[/quote]
Totally. Thanks for the reminder about it all. I've woken up feeling okay today although in some part if I'm honest it's because we haven't completely agreed to separate . I have a 2 hour crazy ayurvedic massage booked in for Saturday morning and my run training (arggh) but also need to make sure I fill my weekend up this weekend with me-stuff.

Is there any sense of when MrHedgehog will come back to the UK?

You're so right re the difference between doing the self-soothing/self-care and just going back on the apps for replacement validation. There is something utterly hollow about that feeling when you choose the apps for that purpose, you just know it's unhealthy behaviour and I think even the act of doing it chips away at our self-worth.

for everyone going through crap at the minute

@SortingItOut yeah I feel like I’m on thin ice with the good place. It’s entirely down to family stuff. Like @ReturnOfTheBunk I’ve been good with self soothing and building myself up, meditations etc but hopefully the therapy will be good to build some firm foundations for myself to replace the thin ice!

@ibelieveinmirrorballs

I may check in at some point (my last message to him was a bit terse and took a few days and ignored something he said - but just mirroring his behaviour, I don't see why it's the woman's job to be all friendly and fluffy and problem-solving all the time).

but I guess I don't want to get into the endless discussion loop for now? (especially as I'm a bit annoyed and have some negative emotions).

I'll probably wait a bit and get my "winter blues" cleared first!

(apart from dating, I've had a really big move, challenging dream career start over the last few months plus all the random Omicron weirdness so I'm mindful of pacing my emotions a bit here!)

So, I spoke to Mr Farmer last night and actually told him my concerns about jumping into sex etc. He was absolutely fine and kind. I also said I'd like us to be able to sleepovers as we live so far away.

Agreed on Saturday I will stay at his and he will sleep on the sofa ( thats the intention 🤣). There is loads more going on where he is so I'd prefer to go there where we can find something fun to do.

(with my emotions I'm often not sure what's dating and what's just me being depressed/other trauma

so am going to sit this one out for a bit and focus on what I CAN focus on to make life better for myself right now)

And he mentioned something in May he's booked and asked if I'd like to go. Obviously thinking longer term.

@dancemom

I just need to have a rant ....

Please don't swipe on me or match with me if

You're holding a giant fish
You're wearing sunglasses in all your photos
You have photos with your kids on your profile
You have multiple photos of close ups of your tattoos
You have put "if you don't look like your photos you're buying the drinks until you do"
You have photos of you lying in bed topless
You have put "I'm a genuine guy"
You have photos holding a gun / knife / weapon
You have photos of scenery or views
You have put "just on here to be nosey"
You have put "just on here to see what the fuss is about"
You have put "new to this so be gentle / Tinder virgin"
Don't have meet me / can't see likes when there is no meet me or like function

And breathe ....

As you were.

Remove ‘Fish’ Tattoos’, & ‘weapons & topless references

Add pictures of cat / small dog / horse / skiing holiday/ groups of drunk women

And that’s what I found most female profiles were like

Good news butterfly re counselling, hope it's good for you 🙂

And very interesting bunk re emotional wellbeing being separate, I find your posts very wise 😊

@ibelieveinmirrorballs, sorry to read that things with Mr M are in a state of limbo. I think the only thing that you can do is be truthful with yourself about what you want from a relationship. If not seeing someone each or every other weekend doesn’t work for you then I think sadly you may have to end things. Mr M is telling you he doesn’t thrive in a relationship where the other person has expectations from him. I imagine you are processing this as you like him and had felt happy to find someone who you clicked with. But as you have stated, having had a very difficult marriage you now need to be in the driving seat for where your life goes now.

Some really interesting posts on here. Thank you everyone for sharing how you’re getting on. Relationships can be so confusing - so much to think about!

I had a look on Bumble the other night, just out of curiosity, not because I was going to contact anyone. In a way was pleased to see that all the guys that came up didn’t look right for me at all - made me think that I’m lucky to have found Mr Beard! Closed the app and snoozed it indefinitely again.

@mrgoodatfixingrhings

Checking in Sudden flurry of matches on tinder, some I wasn't interested in, the others messaged .... no reply as usual .

Bumble: .... nothing
Facebook :... one that actually replied and seems to be still replying so far ! ( bet I've jinxed It now)
Hinge: ordered by my Dsis to try and seems to be ok so far but no matches yet.

The no reply thing was the most annoying bit I found, why bother matching / liking if your not going to reply to a message, could never get my head around that

Question for the ladies, I always assumed you would be swamped with messages / likes / matches, is this the case ?

@ibelieveinmirrorballs Years ago I wouldn't have said I was emotionally unavailable but now I recognise I was.
I'm a classic fixer/rescuer/florence nightingale/parent role and that is completely from my childhood when these were also my roles.

I believe I chose my ex husband because he was emotionally unavailable and needed fixing/rescuing.

I would tell my husband I loved him even when I didn't, it was like I was supposed to love him so I said it just because.
Later on when he had emotional affairs I just stopped saying it although he would still tell me he loved me but carried on🤦‍♀️
Its why the words 'i love you' scare me and don't mean anything to me. I prefer actions.

I don’t think me and Mr Beard are in love - not even sure I believe in love any more beyond a chemical rush to the brain - but for now we have a nice situation. We both get on well, have similar interests, and like lots of sex I think from his point of view he will probably be happy as long as the sex side is going well, I get the impression that’s important to him. Which it is to me too - after all I have my friends for other stuff. Whether we will both eventually want more than that I’m not sure.

@curmudgeonly007 so what would you describe as ‘swamped’?

Most guys I messaged replied. Some were flaky about meeting up, suggested a date but never committed to a time. Some had ‘interesting’ situations and turned out to want an open relationship.

A first date last night was going really well. We went onto a bar after dinner and he began a long, long, monologue about his exes, in great detail. How one was the best relationship ever as they never argued (3 months), how he regretted letting another go, one was a bit crazy (she sounded traumatised after finding out an ex had a secret family and had trust issues), and some passive aggressive comments he had made, including going to sleep downstairs when she didn't want sex one night. Why did he even mention sex with someone else on a date with me?! Why do they always go so weird?! He realised he had said too much after I said it was time to go, so not totally clueless but I just don't get why he thought this was a suitable topic?!

Would others see past this and give him another chance? I definitely don't want to but ask as I do wonder if I'm too picky and that's why so many others are married or in long term relationships and I'm not.

Yellowhighheels

No ! You should leave a first date with a smile in your face
Meh 😑

"@curmudgeonly007 so what would you describe as ‘swamped’?

Most guys I messaged replied. Some were flaky about meeting up, suggested a date but never committed to a time. Some had ‘interesting’ situations and turned out to want an open relationship."

I agree with this take on it - it's easy to look a first look at the inbox and think "LOADS of options, you're well in there!"

but once you start filtering through, removing the creepy desperate sex hounds, some flakes, some chats that drift, some with red flags in early chat or when you start trying to get a meet sorted...there's often actually not many "realistic" options?

I'm in a good position for dating - no childcare, central, flexible wok hours - it's still challenging sometimes!

Then there has to be mutual attraction/compatibility after the first meet too!

@Stayingstrongish
Anything more than 0 really?

@ReturnOfTheBunk, you often post great advice to other people. I think your plan to focus on your own needs is definitely needed right now if you are feeling so emotionally unsettled. I wonder whether Mr H’s prolonged absence is feeding this ? You met, had a couple (?) of highly successful dates and then he went. You seem to have had two or three of these kind of scenarios during my time on the thread. Again I would be thinking about whether the good outweighs the not so good with Mr H. If his communication- or sometimes lack of - is causing you to feel unsettled or worse then is staying in touch truly worth it? How much time and headspace are you giving to him ?

It seems to me that emotional well-being and dating are mutually exclusive…

@curmudgeonly007, my experience may be a little out of date as not been actively using the apps for 2 years. However when I was then yes it was very common to receive lots and lots of messages, particularly in the first week or two as a new face on there. I never made the first contact with anyone, I didn’t feel brave enough although in some respects I didn’t need to as I had messages coming to me. I’m not sure if you discuss OLD with any of your male friends but I know that it’s one of the most common frustrations for men on the apps that women don’t message or reply. My SIL gave me the advice before I started OLD not to engage in chats with matches who I wasn’t interested in. It seemed rude to me not to reply so I would usually send something back but sadly found that you are often getting into a conversation whilst trying to back out politely at the same time. Are you struggling to get responses from messages that you send ? Has anyone looked at your profile from on here ? I know that some have felt that was beneficial in the past.

It seems to me that emotional well-being and dating are mutually exclusive…

Yes I would agree with that, I had a call with a guy last night for about an hour and felt much better, then watched the Jay Blades documentary, and that just blew my mind, he is only a year younger than me and couldn’t read, that was just jaw dropping stuff, he is someone I really respect and look to as an achiever, unbelievable!
And here I am moaning…

@Yellowhighheels
Of course that was not a suitable topic, I had a first date with someone last year, and she told me all about her exHusband and how close they were and how she cooked his tea, and that was enough for me to say no.