Dating Thread 224: Keeping it casual or searching for The One

[WeWantTheFinestWines]

I'll cut and paste the rules in a minute

@HairyArsedMan was the bombshell confession from you or her?! and what was it?

I think I've been second guessing mr story a bit and assuming he really likes me after our intense time together, and telling him I miss him etc more as a reassuring thing as I have been a bit more distant. Ironic that I now wonder that's put him off as he thinks I'm too keen!!

God, when did dating get this complicated. I kind of wish we could just go back to the meet - marry model - way less of a headfuck, and you could just get a partner sorted and get on with your life?! (says the somewhat serial monogamist / commitmentphobe)

[quote StartingAgain33]@HairyArsedMan was the bombshell confession from you or her?! and what was it?

I think I've been second guessing mr story a bit and assuming he really likes me after our intense time together, and telling him I miss him etc more as a reassuring thing as I have been a bit more distant. Ironic that I now wonder that's put him off as he thinks I'm too keen!![/quote]
No, not me - it was that she'd slept with her ex-husband but it didn't mean anything

[quote HairyArsedMan]@StartingAgain33 Actually, yeah my long term relationship began this way ... with some uncertainty and a bit of a bombshell confession after the first 3 months. Obviously it ended many years later (when it should have ended sooner), but there were some good times in the first few years.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs Yes, I wasn't meaning to suggest you'd handled things poorly. I think often it doesn't even have to be overt neediness - you can tell from the way someone is asking you questions, telling you that they miss you, trying to plan things more than a few weeks ahead, that their emotions are running at a higher pitch than yours. I do think 3 months is too soon for either person to really know the other though. Especially if both are parents with kids dating, and meeting fortnightly in any serious capacity, you've got about 6 dates to 'discover' them in those three months. Of course there is communication in between, but it's very low bandwidth as compared to spending time with someone.[/quote]
I think you’re right in that it was clear from my behaviour that I was developing feelings. It was also clear from his much of the time that he was too… it’s such a minefield!

😬

To be fair it’s not gendered - I’m female and I’m just as emotionally ambiguous as everyone else 🤷‍♀️🙈

@ibelieveinmirrorballs

It does sound similar, although it was hard to distinguish if it was 'dickhead' behaviour with MrM because he always responded and never ignored, was never snappy, etc. But yes - the point remains - was definitely a similar case of 'need to make sure she doesn't get too over-excited' about this. MrM also an 'action man' unfeasibly fit for his age and able to bound up mountains having hosted gourmet dinner party the night before staying up till 4am, then have copious sex and do it all again. All a bit 'too good to be true', as though it's a performance of sorts. He had too many annoyingly good things going for him, absolutely brilliant at sex, well endowed, and didn't even snore - so annoying!

I thought my ears were burning, sounds like someone was talking about me again

He had too many annoyingly good things going for him, absolutely brilliant at sex, well endowed, and didn't even snore

🤣🤣🤣

@ibelieveinmirrorballs he sounds like he might have been on drugs!!

Definitely plenty of guys who give great date, but also maybe aren't THAT into the idea of a relationship, unless "every single star is aligned".

(well, maybe a 27 year old heiress and neuroscientist who was also a part time model, and was happy to fit around their schedule?).

I guess sometimes I feel like the female version of that - I enjoy dating and I think it's good for me but also ultimately I'm quite selfish and have my own random life goals?

I like having feelings and all that and want to be in love and have someone to do stuff with, but I'm quite mindful of how precarious my quality of life is. There's always trade-offs!

Unfortunately I don't think apps culture helps - new people and dates and excitement are just one swipe away for all of us.

I feel things are going a bit too well with Mr Farmer, he's so easy to chat to and we seem on the same page.

I've only met him once though, can someone bring me back down to earth please? 🤣

I've deleted my apps as well now, he did yesterday. I wanted to - no interest in getting to know anyone else.

This is so weird..

@ReturnOfTheBunk
I feel similar, it’s somehow feels like I should be dating people, but it’s so difficult, and I get so depressed, that I know I can’t, but if you can point me in the direction of the 27 year old heiress and neuroscientist who was also a part time model, and was happy to fit around my schedule, that would be dandy.

But I’m also selfish and like doing my own things whenever I like without having to compromise anything for anyone anymore (except maybe the heiress, I mean I we must have sex again, who am I to argue), Maybe I’m just not cut out for this malarkey

@Bangheadhere40

I'd just enjoy it at face value for now (don't get me wrong, I'm normally planning my wedding at this stage ) and I guess like @SortingItOut said don't let the distance make you rush things? Have you picked somewhere for Saturday now?

Not yet no, will have a think about Saturday!

It just feels different, I know I have really bad anxiety normally especially in relationships and I'm on meds but I really don't feel it with him.

Can I ask some quick opinions of you wise people please? Last week I agreed to meet a new guy from OLD this Friday (first day we were both free)- no time or venue set, assumed we would agree that this week- a few messages this week but no move from him to agree date details- how late would you leave it before assuming it wasn’t happening? I really, really don’t want to be the one to chase- I have been burnt by this before! If he actually wanted to see me he would make arrangements, right?

I’m disappointed as he seemed genuine, but this has happened to me before. Wondering how long to leave it before I make alternative plans…

@curmudgeonly007

On a previous thread I linked to an article where someone was saying they felt a social "norm" now from apps is great first dates that don't progress, a couple of friends, maybe a three month situation that doesn't go anywhere...

I think that sounded about right to me! I don't mean for everyone, many people find great app connections and have great experiences from them, but also that's a "very common" experience (say for around 30%, I made that figure up btw).

It doesn't reflect on one's attractiveness or value as a human being. I mean it's nice to connect and I do feel things intensely, but also dating isn't the main thing in my life?

I mean I could be a hideous commitment-phobic troll with bad social skills who makes zero effort (arguably 30% right ) but also I don't think it's just me.

@Gettingonwithit12 I would never assume it's that he wasn't interested - I think it's a momentum thing. Sometimes if you don't meet quickly people can feel a bit less interested as the excitement sort of deflates in between initial messaging and then meeting. Also a lot of people (including me) don't want to over messaging before meeting first.

He may well have assumed you're going to blow him off - blokes get flaked on more than women I'm sure. I'd just ask him? At this point ther'e's nothing personal at all as he hasn't even met you!

I've only met him once though, can someone bring me back down to earth please?

Surely the benefit of all this OLD angst is you can now spot the princes as well as the frogs
Enjoy the moment ☺️

@Gettingonwithit12

It's Wednesday today, just shoot him a quick message? "Hey X, hope you had a good day. Any thoughts on when/where we should meet on Friday?".

Then you'll have your answer - if he doesn't reply or ignores tbh I'd just detach.

Wondering how long to leave it before I make alternative plans…

It’s tomorrow right ? Do you like him ?
If so fire a text
And even if you sent that bothered , fire a text so you know what you are doing ?

Text !

Use returns text !

Thanks both, maybe I should just ask. I’m so sick of chasing flaky men though. He has been in touch over the last few days but just chat, I was hoping he would mention Friday but he hasn’t! I think it could well be a momentum thing, it’s a shame that we were both busy and I’ve been away, so we couldn’t meet straight away.

@Bangheadhere40

I've deleted my apps as well now, he did yesterday. I wanted to - no interest in getting to know anyone else.

This is so weird..

Just breathe through it and remember that even if you fall head over heels and it goes tits up, a couple of weeks ago you didn't even know him and you were getting on just fine 💕

[quote ReturnOfTheBunk]@curmudgeonly007

On a previous thread I linked to an article where someone was saying they felt a social "norm" now from apps is great first dates that don't progress, a couple of friends, maybe a three month situation that doesn't go anywhere...

I think that sounded about right to me! I don't mean for everyone, many people find great app connections and have great experiences from them, but also that's a "very common" experience (say for around 30%, I made that figure up btw).

It doesn't reflect on one's attractiveness or value as a human being. I mean it's nice to connect and I do feel things intensely, but also dating isn't the main thing in my life?

I mean I could be a hideous commitment-phobic troll with bad social skills who makes zero effort (arguably 30% right ) but also I don't think it's just me.[/quote]
Love this, and it’s so true. Are you sure you made up the 30% though, sounds extremely evidence-based to me 🤓🤪

@ibelieveinmirrorballs

Sorry I meant 32.2557% and 27.5467%, sounds a bit more plausible!

@Bangheadhere40

I feel things are going a bit too well with Mr Farmer, he's so easy to chat to and we seem on the same page.

I've only met him once though, can someone bring me back down to earth please? 🤣

You’ve got to just go for it when you meet a good ‘un - safely of course - but trust your instincts etc! Coming off the apps at this point is more of a ‘statement of intent’ than anything else isn’t it… but personally I gave zero interest in multi chatting once someone catches my proverbial eye; it’s just the way I am.