Dating Thread 224: Keeping it casual or searching for The One

[WeWantTheFinestWines]

I'll cut and paste the rules in a minute

I just need to have a rant ....

Please don't swipe on me or match with me if

You're holding a giant fish
You're wearing sunglasses in all your photos
You have photos with your kids on your profile
You have multiple photos of close ups of your tattoos
You have put "if you don't look like your photos you're buying the drinks until you do"
You have photos of you lying in bed topless
You have put "I'm a genuine guy"
You have photos holding a gun / knife / weapon
You have photos of scenery or views
You have put "just on here to be nosey"
You have put "just on here to see what the fuss is about"
You have put "new to this so be gentle / Tinder virgin"
Don't have meet me / can't see likes when there is no meet me or like function

And breathe ....

As you were.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs I'm sorry to read your update - it does sound like you're both being very measured about it, but it's still not nice having to let someone go when you like them. I'm glad he admitted the truth to you and didn't string you along. It's interesting in light of the convo we've had about self soothing and not sharing stuff with them isn't it as well - if you hadn't have shared you wouldn't have found out the truth, but sounds like you were very measured in when and how you decided to communicate that so I would see that as a big success :)

Bloody three month mark. It's a nightmare.

@ButterflyOfShay yes same guy with the landlady. Which totally isn't is fault, and he was incredibly calm about it given the circumstances. I think his stress response though is to get sad, quiet and preoccupied - whereas mine is to be outwardly anxious etc, so perhaps I think he's calm when he's really not!

I agree I need to put myself first. I feel like i'm a bit jinxed - the last guy i dated had massive problems with his neighbour and ended up basically having a bit of a breakdown in lockdown, my big boyfriend before got cancer! it's really hard to know how you are with someone when early on something massive comes into play as it totally distracts you both.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs I can really relate on the beating yourself up bit. If things fall apart with mr story (very likely when we chat last week) I know I will fall into self flagellation / wondering if it's my fault (and I do feel I've been a bit emotionally unavailable myself from the beginning which he has picked up on tbh) - but I guess if it was going to work he could have / would have talked to me about anything bothering him and we could have worked it out, instead of just remaining silent and quietly deciding I was the wrong one for him etc.

I think that pattern of being 'cool' and assuming different things is really dangerous, so speaking up about your needs early is a really brave and good thing to do. Even if for people like me it does feel 'needy' and lead you to then beating yourself up / convincing yourself that's what everything go tits up.

[quote StartingAgain33]@ibelieveinmirrorballs I'm sorry to read your update - it does sound like you're both being very measured about it, but it's still not nice having to let someone go when you like them. I'm glad he admitted the truth to you and didn't string you along. It's interesting in light of the convo we've had about self soothing and not sharing stuff with them isn't it as well - if you hadn't have shared you wouldn't have found out the truth, but sounds like you were very measured in when and how you decided to communicate that so I would see that as a big success :)

Bloody three month mark. It's a nightmare.[/quote]
Yes there’s a lot to reflect on. I tried hard to keep my anxiety from him and self-soothe but I also think as a result he’s had no real sense of how this behaviour has affected me.

Sorry to read of your updates too. It’s all so hard sometimes.

[quote StartingAgain33]@ibelieveinmirrorballs I can really relate on the beating yourself up bit. If things fall apart with mr story (very likely when we chat last week) I know I will fall into self flagellation / wondering if it's my fault (and I do feel I've been a bit emotionally unavailable myself from the beginning which he has picked up on tbh) - but I guess if it was going to work he could have / would have talked to me about anything bothering him and we could have worked it out, instead of just remaining silent and quietly deciding I was the wrong one for him etc.

I think that pattern of being 'cool' and assuming different things is really dangerous, so speaking up about your needs early is a really brave and good thing to do. Even if for people like me it does feel 'needy' and lead you to then beating yourself up / convincing yourself that's what everything go tits up.[/quote]
We had a big talk on Monday evening and yesterday I summarised the situation as I saw it which is that unless he can resolve his fears of commitment I think we need to stop seeing each other because I can’t help him with that. I’m pleased I’ve stated my needs/boundaries but will still find tonight’s chat extremely painful!

@ibelieveinmirrorballs yes it will be painful. But you luckily haven’t given him too much time or energy and went in with your eyes open so hopefully you will feel good again soon.

I am encouraged that my time spotting and getting rid of emotionally unavailable people is getting shorter and shorter. First it was 3.5 years, then 11 months, now it’s down to 3 months (there have been a spate of them) over the past two years. Soon I just won’t go for them, I hope! Perhaps it could be the same for you?

@ibelieveinmirrorballs

Total respect for sticking to protecting your emotions here even if it is temporarily painful - you will be looking back at this in 3 months time and thanking yourself!

It may be sad/tearful for a bit but you can go into spring all free without this "background worry".

You've had some good experiences, I'm sure he's a nice person to have known so just a stage of your life journey,

I know personally I don't want to be hanging around in 2 months thinking "if I send wittier texts/communicate in this way/say the right thing/look slightly different/suggest this "fun" plan/am impressive in THIS way" it will be easier.

plus I got a more prestigious/competitive research scholarship than him so my brain time is more valuable than his, I'm slowly but surely making myself cooler than the men I date

As a bloke that has been somewhat similar to these blokes mentioned on the thread today, it's painful reading ... I think there is a response that can happen when someone is pushing for something (commitment, or testing where your feelings are at) and you're not quite there, where it feels like the right thing to do is to break it off rather than leave them with painful uncertainty. On the other hand the rational part of me says hang on, just how likely is that two people can end up on the same page at exactly the same time. I've often thought it best to let things lie and observe (yourself, them) as things proceed.

@HairyArsedMan I get the sense that is what is happening with mr story; and it’s complicated by the fact I’ve been a bit emotionally unavailable and unsure of him so perhaps haven’t even noticed his doubts until just now.

Have you ever left things to develop and it actually has happened that you wanted commitment tho? I guess three months is early to expect much so it’s not like a reasonable person would expect you to be head over heels necessarily anyway.

"I've often thought it best to let things lie and observe (yourself, them) as things proceed."

That's a really good observation @HairyArsedMan

I think part of the issue is as soon as we LIKE someone then we get more anxious about whether or not they are contacting us regularly - ie if my German professor I work with doesn't reply to a message I'm like "meh whatever" whereas if the one I was dating takes too long I'm all sad and furious and overanalytical.

On the other hand, I guess it's to do with timing and moving on and emotional energy for a lot of people?

Like I think some people, if we're more drawn to them, there's less impetus to then meet others/explore other avenues? So cold turkey is best, or we find ourselves too caught up in them?

I THINK with MrHedgehog I can transition into the (very occasional) friendzone, I'm internally quite tough-fibred and pragmatic.

Although again that takes a light touch - realistically he's abroad, I'm going abroad for a while so it's not going to be that bad

But I need to make sure I'm not "using him as a buffer fallback man" and getting in the way of other dates progressing.

dancemom

You forgot ‘no drama’

@HairyArsedMan

As a bloke that has been somewhat similar to these blokes mentioned on the thread today, it's painful reading ... I think there is a response that can happen when someone is pushing for something (commitment, or testing where your feelings are at) and you're not quite there, where it feels like the right thing to do is to break it off rather than leave them with painful uncertainty. On the other hand the rational part of me says hang on, just how likely is that two people can end up on the same page at exactly the same time. I've often thought it best to let things lie and observe (yourself, them) as things proceed.

I think you make a really good point and I really was trying to do this - in my case it was MrM who kept sort of pushing to understand exactly what level of commitment he feared I wanted because he was frightened he was getting into something more committed than he could handle. His previous experiences which he very much brought into the 'relationship' were that he felt guilty when he couldn't match the commitment the other person wanted and relationships have broken up for that reason. He always chooses partners who live some distance away probably for this very reason. I really wanted to just 'let things unfold and see what happens' - but even that I think is too much.

Checking in
Sudden flurry of matches on tinder, some I wasn't interested in, the others messaged .... no reply as usual .

Bumble: .... nothing
Facebook :... one that actually replied and seems to be still replying so far ! ( bet I've jinxed It now)
Hinge: ordered by my Dsis to try and seems to be ok so far but no matches yet.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs @HairyArsedMan this also sounds like my MO over the last two years. People who live far away, who aren't available, who aren't up for a relationship. I've often worn the 'casual' T Shirt but it isn't for everyone and I haven't been able to 'police' their feelings so I have also ended up bringing things to an end. Occasionally I have been dumped too!

But essentially I haven't really cared. It's more convenient for me to be single - financially, practically and socially.

Emotionally I think I have a lot to gain with the right person, from not being single, but I'm a complicated 51 year old woman with a high sex drive and a healthy bank account that I'm not inclined to share with anyone. If that makes me sound cold, you'd be right 🤪 but I've had fun and I hope that I haven't behaved like a dick.

I'm gently explaining this to MrD and so far we are on the same page, wanting a relationship but being very realistic about where we both are in life!

@BelladiMamma it's really useful to hear the other perspective. do you think you could change if you were head over heels with someone? (I think many of us who are going out with this distant type of person hope to be the one to change them....but perhaps it's just your style to be more distant and that isn't what we want anyway!)

"But essentially I haven't really cared. It's more convenient for me to be single - financially, practically and socially."

I think this sums up modern dating life tbh - we want intimacy but also deep down we don't?

[quote StartingAgain33]@BelladiMamma it's really useful to hear the other perspective. do you think you could change if you were head over heels with someone? (I think many of us who are going out with this distant type of person hope to be the one to change them....but perhaps it's just your style to be more distant and that isn't what we want anyway!)[/quote]
I'm trying to now as MrD has made it quite clear he wants something long term.

We are however negotiating options for us to be non monogamous; we aren't there yet but he's probably the only person in a long time that I'd even consider having that conversation with.

Reasons why I think it's worth it?

• we are very compatible sexually as we are both bi & sexually adventurous
• not looking for a traditional monogamous relationship
• financially he's a good match
• culturally we are a good match (working class Celt catholics not from England made good)
• similar hobbies and general interests
• both single parents and very focused on the children and our extended family
• we can see exactly where we fit in each others' lives and with our tribes
• he can handle my honesty about my needs and values. A lot of guys couldn't stomach it, and this works both ways
• oh, and I fancy the pants off him and I don't want him going anywhere 😜 ... he's mine ... ALL MINE 😆💖

@ReturnOfTheBunk

"But essentially I haven't really cared. It's more convenient for me to be single - financially, practically and socially."

I think this sums up modern dating life tbh - we want intimacy but also deep down we don't?

Not sure really as this is my perspective after a long and ultimately fucking annoying marriage 🤪

hahaha @BelladiMamma

That's a great list!!!

@StartingAgain33

hahaha *@BelladiMamma*

That's a great list!!!

He said I gave him a look on our second date and he just thought, fuck, this one is scary but worth it. He said 'you were basically sizing me up to decide whether or not I was worth your time or not and I bloody loved it'. So take that, heteronormativity and your antiquated ideas about letting the man take the lead. Fuck that shit 🤪🤪🤪

@BelladiMamma lolol. I was told before that I looked like I was assessing someone and it made him uncomfortable... didn't realise I was doing it at the time but he didn't pass the test anyway ;)

[quote StartingAgain33]@BelladiMamma lolol. I was told before that I looked like I was assessing someone and it made him uncomfortable... didn't realise I was doing it at the time but he didn't pass the test anyway ;)[/quote]
Cuts both ways, doesn't it? We are often so hung up on whether we look good / hot / attractive that we don't realise dating is about us choosing too 🥰

@BelladiMamma definitely :)

@StartingAgain33 Actually, yeah my long term relationship began this way ... with some uncertainty and a bit of a bombshell confession after the first 3 months. Obviously it ended many years later (when it should have ended sooner), but there were some good times in the first few years.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs Yes, I wasn't meaning to suggest you'd handled things poorly. I think often it doesn't even have to be overt neediness - you can tell from the way someone is asking you questions, telling you that they miss you, trying to plan things more than a few weeks ahead, that their emotions are running at a higher pitch than yours. I do think 3 months is too soon for either person to really know the other though. Especially if both are parents with kids dating, and meeting fortnightly in any serious capacity, you've got about 6 dates to 'discover' them in those three months. Of course there is communication in between, but it's very low bandwidth as compared to spending time with someone.