Dating Thread 224: Keeping it casual or searching for The One

[WeWantTheFinestWines]

I'll cut and paste the rules in a minute

.. so I’m a heterosexual man looking to meet heterosexual women, and I would expect (hope), that person would actually want to have sex with me ? , have I been missing something for the last 30 odd years?

@curmudgeonly007 my ex acted like he enjoyed sex and cuddling in the beginning, but very quickly made it clear that I WASN'T TO CUDDLE HIM IN BED when he may be asleep/falling asleep or he would be extremely cross and give me some sharp words.

After a time he also stopped wanting to have sex. He didn't like the way that I reacted to his (abusive) behaviour and he withheld affection as a result.

This absolutely killed me and my self esteem, in part because I assumed that all men want sex and affection as a basic need - made me feel so ugly and worthless.

I've since read about this and men withholding sex and affection happens more than one might expect. So unfortunately, it can't be assumed!

@gelatodipistacchio
Oh wow that seems crazy to me, l love a cuddle in bed, really like a woman cuddling me ( is that odd).

I can’t even imagine withholding sex and affection, that sounds like such an alien concept, if a woman asked me if I wanted sex, I’d be in bed in a flash.

I’m so sorry, that sounds so awful 🥀

@curmudgeonly007 I think it’s more common that you would imagine. I had a very similar experience to @gelatodipistacchio and I agree, it is utterly soul destroying. It feels even worse as the accepted wisdom is that men are always up for it- I used to think it was something that was wrong with me but have since learnt that others have experienced it too which makes it a little easier to deal with

@curmudgeonly007 while I agree a lot of men (but not all!) like sex, not all of them like hugs or affection in my experience. Some can just like doing the deed and be very cold the rest of the time. Glad you’re not that way!

Oh wow, I’ve certainly been in situations where I’ve not wanted really to have sex due to stress / worry / tiredness etc, or had a row etc, but never actually withheld.

@curmudgeonly007

Oh wow, I’ve certainly been in situations where I’ve not wanted really to have sex due to stress / worry / tiredness etc, or had a row etc, but never actually withheld.

There’s a big difference between not being up for sex on a particular occasion and withholding it as a punishment. Everyone - even men - has times where they don’t feel like having sex and I don’t think anyone should force themselves to have sex when they don’t want to. I don’t think it does men any favours to have this narrative that they should want to jump in bed at a moment’s notice all the time, because then men feel pressure to always be able to perform and women take a man declining sex as a reflection of them personally. All of that is so toxic imo, people should be able to communicate clearly whether they fancy having sex at that given moment without feeling like they’re doing something wrong or being hurtful.

Obviously that’s not the same as someone purposely refusing sex as part of some malicious manipulation tactic, before anyone suggests I’m excusing that kind of behaviour.

[quote ReturnOfTheBunk]@ibelieveinmirrorballs

Definitely dating twinning with you and my last iron MrHedgehog - contact quite strained last time, a few years ago I’d be overfunctioning/problem-solving-/trying to force things to work by putting energy and discussion into it?

Now I’m not 100% over it as we had a great connection, but I have social plans ( including meeting as many of my lovely fellow threadies as possible soon 🤞) am back on the apps ...obviously I wish things had been different but I’ve given the situation enough time and I can’t wish my life away!

I know I’ll be grateful to myself I made these decisions in three months time for sure.[/quote]
That is a fantastic way of looking at it and I may have to steal - future me will be thankful.

Feeling quite low today

@TedMullins

Just to agree with you - there's a big difference between not wanting to have sex sometimes (fine, normal) and rejecting all advances while also never initiating (what I am describing)

[quote gelatodipistacchio]@TedMullins

Just to agree with you - there's a big difference between not wanting to have sex sometimes (fine, normal) and rejecting all advances while also never initiating (what I am describing)[/quote]
And then, in this toxic situation, refusing to talk about it or consider other paths to intimacy

Utterly soul destroying

But we live to cuddle another day! Sending virtual hugs to all those who need them 🤗

Oh for sure! That’s horrid, manipulative, toxic behaviour and I’m sorry to anyone that’s been on the receiving end. Just on a wider note I don’t think the ‘men always want sex’ trope is a helpful one for anyone:

@TedMullins

Oh for sure! That’s horrid, manipulative, toxic behaviour and I’m sorry to anyone that’s been on the receiving end. Just on a wider note I don’t think the ‘men always want sex’ trope is a helpful one for anyone:

I agree 👍🏻

Loosing the will to live with dating. Not getting anywhere on POF, it’s changed a lot over the years and I find now people can’t see who’s look at their profile I seem to get hardly any messages, either that or men don’t like my look. I had my hair cut really short and since updating my photos I’m only getting a couple messages a week and they are mainly from people from miles away (possibly fake profiles).

I have got in contact with someone I went on a date with several years ago, we are friends on Fb but I turned a 2nd date down after the first, I have regretted it since and have been toying with asking him out. So last week I swiped right on his profile on tinder and matched, we have been talking a bit but he’s now gone quiet.

Getting a bit desperate for dates now, mainly because my FWB has gone no contact with me (I suspect because he had feelings for me). I’m finding hard to find someone that’s semi attractive and has their shit together. I seem to end up dating people who have baggage and I end up feeling like their counsellor. I just want to find someone that’s happy with life and wants similar to me. It seems impossible 😬.

@Lovemusic33 have you tried Tinder or Bumble?

I’m in tinder and have tried bumble in the past, have found it hard to find anyone Who lives near me on bumble.

Oh my gosh @gelatodipistacchio my ex was exactly the same. It makes you feel so unwanted and ugly 😞 I actually think it was intentional though, to make me feel exactly that way.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs big unmumsnetty hugs xx

I’m finding that although I’m looking forward and for casual
Some men are very direct
So my date tomorrow , don’t get me wrong
I’ve have a bikini wax , done
My eyebrows
Washed the best bra
I’ll pack my condom (!!)

I do want to have sex
I maybe will have sex
But I want it to be a suprise

Ah . Never happy

Also
Glad I have my back up irons as now thinking maybe it’s just a one nighter

This much work for a shag
Jesus

@Thisisworsethananticpated
Well let’s hope it’s a good one, make sure you take 3 pack, the guy might be up (no pun intended ) for round 2.

@Lovemusic33

I’m in tinder and have tried bumble in the past, have found it hard to find anyone Who lives near me on bumble.

It’s a long slog sometimes to find someone to tick all the boxes ☹️ I guess the standard advice is not to make it the be all and end all, do sociable hobbies so your life is full etc etc. Maybe try a new method like Bumble or OKC?

curmudgeonly007
Yes he a pretty excited
If he sends me a dick pic I’ll scream , he’s been quite restrained thus far !!!!

@ButterflyOfShay ugh, I'm so sorry that you have gone through that too!

@Thisisworsethananticpated DEFINITELY bring more than one. Just in case.

My goodness I have missed a few threads

I have recently found a good one - I think.

Seeing him again Saturday and we are going to have the chat about how we moving forward at his request. He is stepping up, following through on what he says and isn't afraid to actually speak to me.

I'll decide if it's a goer on Saturday... I'm still apprehensive, because you can never really tell.

He does make me smile... and make me a little excited and relaxed all at the same time.

@cravingthelook I wondered where you were! Who is the new iron?

@BelladiMammac@ButterflyOfShay yes, meeting later today and can't wait. Three weeks has been a struggle!

@Lovemusic33

I’m in tinder and have tried bumble in the past, have found it hard to find anyone Who lives near me on bumble.

Have you tried Hinge? You don't get many free likes but it's not bad.