Dating Thread 224: Keeping it casual or searching for The One

[WeWantTheFinestWines]

I'll cut and paste the rules in a minute

Adding
Have mental issues equal to or lesser than mine

[quote Daydreamscometrue]@Onemorego2021 - I had exactly the same thing happen after chatting for 3 weeks. Not so much ghosting as cancelling the meet up.[/quote]
This is totally puzzling to me?! But I'm learning from all of your previous experiences it's not unusual unfortunately. I definitely feel flat today and like I just don't have the energy for OLD

Unfortunately it just seems to be the case that there are people out there - no doubt of both sexes - who just want a virtual ‘relationship’. I used the rule ‘one week to meet’ in the end. If there was any sort of prevarication about fulfilling the promise to meet, in the bin they would go. Annoying.

@Badbaddog

Unfortunately it just seems to be the case that there are people out there - no doubt of both sexes - who just want a virtual ‘relationship’. I used the rule ‘one week to meet’ in the end. If there was any sort of prevarication about fulfilling the promise to meet, in the bin they would go. Annoying.

See, this would totally rule me out. Full-time job + 100% childcare and I tend to plan ahead - so I'd very rarely be able to meet within less than a week - I need more notice to get babysitting etc lined up. Luckily you're not looking to date me And to be fair, I'm not flakey or looking for a virtual relationship - I'll absolutely commit to meeting in person - I just have a longer lead-time. Guess everyone's different.

Absolutely agree. One week max was fine for me as, though I work long hours, I’m self-employed so flexible, and my DC are adults. I think others on this thread with childcare complications leave it longer. If you are looking to date a man with DC then that adds to the timescale too. But I guess the point is worth remembering that there should be a real drive to meet ASAP.

Definitely a quick meeter here.

That said, I think I'm actually inclined to do more chatting and more lead time right now as I want to screen for more in common, I just don't have the energy to go out for a random "spontaneous" coffee or drink like I used to?

Definitely agree that taking into account schedule pressures, there should be a real drive to meet - if someone needs a few months of "text bonding" they probably aren't ever going to meet IRL.

My list of requirements: Must have a job, kind, caring, dark hair/eyes (skin olive to dark), clean, smells good, doesn’t live with parents or in a house share, not overweight (me a hypocrite!?), lives within an hour.

I told Mr Italy that I don't think we are compatible. He responded very nicely and said it is a shame as he really liked me😔

Questioning myself now. I really enjoyed spending time with him and I am not sure whether I am overreacting to things that remind me of my ex.

I realise it was only one date, but we spent several hours together. Currently feeling that I am too fragile for modern dating

Oh gelato
I think the main takeaway for me is the date or iron needs to make me smile
Smile when I read their texts
Smile when I leave the date

He didn’t seem to make you happy enough , as I’ve been reading your messages here ! He might be nice but he wasn’t a fit for YOU

Don’t doubt yourself too much

My wish list:

Kind (like a lot of you. Think this is a hard quality to find though)
Emotionally stable
Thoughtful
Some similar interests
Reliable (in terms of messaging, not cancelling lots of dates)
Intelligent
Likes hugging and sex

Looks are not so important to me, but prefer not ultra skinny and not too muscly either. Inbetween is perfect.

Just popping in to say I joined this most excellent thread one year and about 20 irons ago

#threadanniversary
#anyonewouldthinkIwasaslowlearner

@Thisisworsethananticpated thanks! This helps a lot, actually!

@gelatodipistacchio I think its such early days that you needed to trust your gut a bit and if you were feeling irritated already and not looking forward to hearing from him, then it wasn't the right person. It could also be bad timing but don't be so hard on yourself. It didn't sound like you were very into him.

@ButterflyOfShay yes, excited to see Mr Music as its been 3 weeks now and I'm getting quite fed up generally. I think work plus covid has put a strain on me and I need to have some fun!

Like @Eesha says @gelatodipistacchio you’ve got to trust your gut on these things. I would congratulate yourself for acting on your instincts and calling it a day, now you’ve freed yourself to meet someone that you won’t have all these doubts with x

How’s everyone doing? 🌸

@Eesha yep chatting to mates yesterday, so many people feeling low at the minute, daily banter is such a good antidote to that.

@gelatodipistacchio - I think that you have done the right thing. It doesn't sound like you were feeling it deep down.

@ReturnOfTheBunk

Definitely a quick meeter here.

That said, I think I'm actually inclined to do more chatting and more lead time right now as I want to screen for more in common, I just don't have the energy to go out for a random "spontaneous" coffee or drink like I used to?

Definitely agree that taking into account schedule pressures, there should be a real drive to meet - if someone needs a few months of "text bonding" they probably aren't ever going to meet IRL.

Same here. Like to at least arrange a meet and then continue to talk until that point.

I’m the opposite.. chat for ages on the apps and freak out if they want to meet too quick 🤣🙈 i’m a complete ‘time waster’ 😒

@Badbaddog

Absolutely agree. One week max was fine for me as, though I work long hours, I’m self-employed so flexible, and my DC are adults. I think others on this thread with childcare complications leave it longer. If you are looking to date a man with DC then that adds to the timescale too. But I guess the point is worth remembering that there should be a real drive to meet ASAP.

Agree with all this - obviously everyone has different circumstances but I think it's quite easy to see who has the drive to meet and is trying to find a way around those circumstances compared to eternal prevaricators.

If I get into a good chat with someone I like to speak on the phone then video after a day or two and try to meet as soon as possible after that if we both are up for it.

@gelatodipistacchio

I told Mr Italy that I don't think we are compatible. He responded very nicely and said it is a shame as he really liked me😔

Questioning myself now. I really enjoyed spending time with him and I am not sure whether I am overreacting to things that remind me of my ex.

I realise it was only one date, but we spent several hours together. Currently feeling that I am too fragile for modern dating

It's quite likely that you're reacting more here to him telling you that he feels bad rather than because you shouldn't have made that decision... are you the kind of person who doesn't like to feel like you've disappointed or upset other people (men)?

I agree with the others that your gut was probably right on this one. It does get easier, I promise you, in terms of feeling that fragility. After my first OLD mishap I thought I wouldn't bother trying any more as I felt so upset by things that it wasn't worth the effort.

Update from me is that I've been a bit up and down but proud of myself that I haven't made contact with MrMixtape at all since our horrible call on Friday. At the end of the call we both made a strangulated agreement to maybe meet for lunch next weekend to talk, but I very much doubt either of us want to do it.

Went to the theatre last night which was lovely and a good distraction.

@Eesha you just be climbing up the walls. So pleased you're getting to see him soon 💖

@ButterflyOfShay I used to be like that too but then I got burnt by waiting too long and over investing so I'm now in @ibelieveinmirrorballs camp of video then meet ASAP. I'll always have childcare to juggle but if there no drive to meet then I would not waste my time again

@Eesha *must not just

@gelatodipistacchio just from the few mansplaining incidents you described you've definitely done the right thing. Time to find someone who treats you like an equal 💖

@ibelieveinmirrorballs

Definitely dating twinning with you and my last iron MrHedgehog - contact quite strained last time, a few years ago I’d be overfunctioning/problem-solving-/trying to force things to work by putting energy and discussion into it?

Now I’m not 100% over it as we had a great connection, but I have social plans ( including meeting as many of my lovely fellow threadies as possible soon 🤞) am back on the apps ...obviously I wish things had been different but I’ve given the situation enough time and I can’t wish my life away!

I know I’ll be grateful to myself I made these decisions in three months time for sure.

@Stayingstrongish

My wish list:

Kind (like a lot of you. Think this is a hard quality to find though)
Emotionally stable
Thoughtful
Some similar interests
Reliable (in terms of messaging, not cancelling lots of dates)
Intelligent
Likes hugging and sex

Looks are not so important to me, but prefer not ultra skinny and not too muscly either. Inbetween is perfect.

Genuine Question Why is this on your wish list Likes hugging and sex

Isn’t this a given really, aren’t most (all) people (of any gender or sexual orientation) on OLD expecting to meet someone who wants to have sex with them?