Dating Thread 224: Keeping it casual or searching for The One

[WeWantTheFinestWines]

I'll cut and paste the rules in a minute

[quote gelatodipistacchio]@BelladiMamma true! My current working plan is always to start with video chats. (I'm largely following FDS principles, if you're familiar with that!) This way I can (for example) see if there's any sneering or such without leaving my home![/quote]
I’m a big fan of the pre meet video call… won’t meet without one now.

[quote gelatodipistacchio]@BelladiMamma FDS is female dating strategy. It's a radical feminist view on dating that I think started on Reddit. It's probably focused more on younger women, but it starts with the premise that we are living in a patriarchy and it's essential to aggressively vet men for toxic views and behaviours before getting involved.

They have some rules that I probably wouldn't follow to the letter, and it has been criticised as being anti male, but I have been following it on Reddit and listening to the podcast, and I think they offer a valuable perspective.[/quote]
I have read some stuff about FDS, and I think it has benefits for both genders really, some of the stuff around making sure you have other past times, not making that person adds to your life etc are valid for everyone
I also think it’s quite anti male at times, some of the language was pretty uncomfortable reading, (but I would say that), and not sure I will agree with some of stuff around money ( but again I would say that)

made we wonder if I actually want to date again really

@curmudgeonly007 i agree that a lot of the strategies would work for anyone.

I used to feel differently about gender roles, until i realised that we literally are living in a patriarchy and I had children with a man who gave lip service to equality but then when it came down to it truly believed deep down in his bones that he was the breadwinner and he should get to call the shots.

Since then, I have looked at women around me and seen what mothers / wives have to put up with. (In particular seeing how many men refused to step up through covid, dumping childcare on their equally busy professional wives)

I think that it's difficult because we are all so immersed in this culture that many men will find themselves constantly dissatisfied because (like my ex) they have this deeply held entitlement that they can't even recognise. It's frightening and destructive for all parties.

All I know is that I will not allow myself to be put on the back foot like that again.

@Thisisworsethananticpated would you get medication though? I personally did research on this and my doctor friends all felt it wasn't an issue. Honesty is the best policy.

Eesha
The preventative med have some major side issues
And don’t actually stop it , just reduce it
So the docs said I could take them but to be wary and right now it’s not bad enough to necessitate it

So their advice is to disclose and avoid sex (ha what sex!) if I have an outbreak

So my friends husband has it , she has never had it ever and he just takes care when he has a rare ob
So it’s kind of a big deal and not a big deal at the same time

@gelatodipistacchio
This is one that makes me feel really uncomfortable, just imagine if all men suddenly decided not to date financially challenged women,
And the not splitting the bill thing makes my blood boil,

06
GENEROUS MEN ARE NON-NEGOTIABLE
While we believe in having your own career and making your own money, a man still has to add financial value to your life and make you feel like he can take care of you. This means not splitting the bill and not dating financially challenged men.

That’s bullshit
Most men I date are poorer than me !
I earn my Own money thanks

Can you link this curmudgeonly

@curmudgeonly007 I can see why this would make you feel uncomfortable.

My interpretation of this rule is that it is in the context of patriarchy.

First, we are all in this system where men have been expected to 'court' women to a certain extent, and the idea is that if they don't do that, they don't value you. Because we can't escape the toxic views about gender roles that all people secretly hold.

Second, women actually are in a worse position in society, so men should step up and pay for dates. (By way of example, my disgusting ex has dumped all childcare on me so that he can excel in his high powered job, and I literally can't get a similar kind of job without harming my daughter. Obviously he feels aggrieved at paying the bare minimum in maintenance, which is a sadly typical attitude). The idea is that if they aren't willing to do that, fuck'em.

Third, many men aren't generous and this comes out later in the relationship (again, my ex is a great example of this - he's basically rich but resented ever spending money to make me happy). The idea is to screen out men who are selfish like that.

Fourth (and this is partly my own personal philosophy), people don't value things that come easily. Being an easy, 'cool' girl from the start encourages men to devalue you and take you for granted

I'm not saying I fully support these rules in all ways, but maybe this helps to explain.

@Thisisworsethananticpated

www.thefemaledatingstrategy.com/

Rule number 6

I agree with the others, but rule 6 kinda says “earn your own money but get him to spend all his on on you”

@curmudgeonly007 i forgot to mention above that on the podcast, the hosts also mention how much money women have to spend even to get ready for a date in this selfish hellscape.

Again, by way of example, I don't even care about this date I am going on later, but I have spent loads of time shaving my legs, doing my hair, then I will put on nice clothing and jewellery, expensive perfume, expensive makeup, carry my stupid nice handbag. It's a huge effort and expense I am expected to go through before a date because I am a woman. What is he going to do? Take a shower?

*not selfish. Can't even remember what I meant there, probably sexist

@Thisisworsethananticpated I genuinely didn't realise there could be bad side effects. So my two close friends are sexual health doctors and see this all the time. They say you always have a risk of spreading it but the medication stops the lesions coming up which is where it gets contagious. I also don't think you can test for it unless lesions actually appear so most people wouldn't have a clue if they have it. I understand that the first outbreak can be painful too. Its annoying for you and purely your decision whether to inform someone. I'm sure people avoid telling if they can.

@gelatodipistacchio this pod cast sounds interesting and actually I'm pretty sure I know one person who followed this and married a millionaire who dotes on her despite her being hugely spoilt. I've been told I've sold myself short by splitting the bill on the 1st date.

[quote gelatodipistacchio]@curmudgeonly007 i forgot to mention above that on the podcast, the hosts also mention how much money women have to spend even to get ready for a date in this selfish hellscape.

Again, by way of example, I don't even care about this date I am going on later, but I have spent loads of time shaving my legs, doing my hair, then I will put on nice clothing and jewellery, expensive perfume, expensive makeup, carry my stupid nice handbag. It's a huge effort and expense I am expected to go through before a date because I am a woman. What is he going to do? Take a shower?[/quote]

But it's your choice to buy expensive makeup and perfume and jewellery and accessories though? I agree women spend longer getting ready but we really don't have to spend any money if we don't want to. I wear cheap shit from Boots and a perfume my ex gave me 10 years ago and I'm clean and wear decent clothes - if a man 'expects' more, he's not for me. I would feel patronised if a man insisted on paying for everything. There is school of thought among some men that if they pay, they have a right to expect sex. Fuck that. It is not feminist to expect a man to pay for you, it feeds into misogyny.

@Thisisworsethananticpated

It is what it is There is a dating app called positive singles For us hpv and hsv2 folk , I’ll head there if the hinge men have a problem with it Yay 😁

One I caught innocently
One was from a fellow that kindly gave me genital warts in my 20 after I messed with him and his friend in a jacuzzi

It’s not really helping my shame issues shall we say

Ok this is making me feel uncomfortable as I'm wondering if I should have disclosed my HPV?! Thing is, so many of us have HPV ... I used to disclose it but now I don't. Not sure why really. I've used condoms but now me and MrD are off condoms. Shit.

[quote gelatodipistacchio]**@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards* At least it's not like mine, mine is embarrassing*

Obviously I have no idea what your job or CV are, but I firmly believe that you shouldn't be ashamed of whatever it is. We all do the best we can and our education/careers don't define us.

Additionally, if you are down on yourself, I think that this truly affects the way men perceive and treat you. This has been a difficult lesson for me to learn, but IME toxic men love to latch onto women who are not secure in themselves.

Finally, it's all relative. I'm quite proud of what I have achieved, especially given my own background (neither of my parents went to uni, they have given mixed signals about my education, etc), but my ex still managed to put me down and suggest that I wasn't achieving enough.[/quote]
@gelatodipistacchio I don't have a career! I find my job history embarrassing because I've not been able to work for two and a half years and most of the jobs on my cv I'm not able to do anymore because of the strain my body is under.

It's why I have to retrain. It is also why I was a bit hesitant to date Mr Gambit because he was very highly educated (as was his family) and I'm not.

Even my ex had two degrees.

I hate when men on dating sites used to ask me what I did for work. It just made me feel anxious and worthless about myself. That's one think I don't miss! X

@WeWantTheFinestWines i haven't fully sorted out my views on this particular issue. I think that there's a delicate balance in living within the patriarchy, and wanting to succeed within it, while still trying to change it

It’s hsv2 that’s the one belladimama
The nasty 🤢 potentially

So don’t feel too bad !

For context, I used to be a receptionist. I can't do that anymore because now I can't sit for long periods.

My last job was in financial services. I nearly had a nervous breakdown.

Now I'm retraining to work in HR. I was asked recently 'are you sure you want to do that?' The short answer is I have to be, because I've got no choice.

@BelladiMamma I wouldn't bother about saying about hpv. I had it two years ago but it disappeared in my next test. They don't even test men for it nowadays and my same sexual health doctor friends said it wasnt worth mentioning to anyone. I have a feeling my ex had it as he avoided taking the sexual health test.

Eesha I’d love to know what your sexual health doctors think about disclosing

To be honest I think the reason I let my overseas online fling run for a an overlong time as because I didn’t have to to worry about it
It worries me and the worry impacts it !!!
If I saw someone and didn’t tell I’d feel guilty all the time and wound feel miserable

[quote Eesha]@BelladiMamma I wouldn't bother about saying about hpv. I had it two years ago but it disappeared in my next test. They don't even test men for it nowadays and my same sexual health doctor friends said it wasnt worth mentioning to anyone. I have a feeling my ex had it as he avoided taking the sexual health test.[/quote]
Ok. Yes I kind of put it in the 'not important' box as I test regularly anyway and it doesn't come up in the home kits, just when they did a biopsy because they had to do some investigating for an ovarian cyst and did a little bit of everything whilst they were rummaging around in there. Feels kind of irrelevant maybe as so many men have it?

@Thisisworsethananticpated an ex of mine had herpes and he was utterly ashamed and really struggled telling me. I was grateful he told me before sex and we were really careful. It didn't bother me, the only issue was when we split I thought it was retrospectively a risk as we were clearly incompatible in other ways, and I knew I was going to move on fairly early.

Agree, HPV is endemic. No need to disclose

@WeWantTheFinestWines @gelatodipistacchio @curmudgeonly007

The best date relationships I've had in recent times are with the guys who show up, give a shit about equality and want to learn.

I think that's a deeply sexy trait. When you find it @gelatodipistacchio you'll know, as conversations won't feel like games or like they're in another language.

We are all responsible for smashing the patriarchy and the first thing that we can do as women in OLD, is to not fuck any misogynistic male that comes our way. It's basically a sex strike 😜

@gelatodipistacchio

Agree, HPV is endemic. No need to disclose

Thank you. This is all reassuring.