Dating Thread 224: Keeping it casual or searching for The One

[WeWantTheFinestWines]

I'll cut and paste the rules in a minute

@ibelieveinmirrorballs How disappointing that he's unlikely to get counselling.
I hope you have a great time with your friend.

Thought I'd share a bit of insight into Mr K's ex wife (mother of his son), I know I mentioned her timekeeping was poor but her organisation is also lacking.
Today he collected his son and was told by her that their son had to come back to her tonight as he has a birthday party tomorrow. Mr K fine with this but I can't help thinking that parties are not arranged with 1 days notice so she's known a while and not told him and possibly we could have arranged to go out together tomorrow. Luckily Mr K had nothing planned for them both.
I of course wouldn't say this to Mr K as he never has a bad word to say about her (which I think is great as she cheated on him and can be very trying)

I'm busy some of tomorrow now (so can't meet at short notice) and Mr K has gone to do his hobby tonight/tomorrow morning (which is good as he's not done it for a month) although he did message earlier and see if I wanted to go down to see him tomorrow morning which I'm going to do even though its not my thing but having some time together will be good.

At least we'll still see each other for a bit but we could have gone out for the day.

You’re really patient and level headed @SortingItOut. No wonder he likes you 😘

@ButterflyOfShay Thank you for saying that😘

@Thisisworsethananticpated

ibelieveinmirrorballs

So he wants to see other people
What does ‘adventures ‘ mean ?

No weirdly he means nothing to do with other people, he just wants someone to meet occasionally ie me - by occasional it was this fact he thought he was going to be expected to go away with me EOW on my child free weekends that gave him some sort of fear re the rigidity of the arrangement. Even though I can’t think of anything worse than anyone feeling like that and wouldn’t expect it. It was a horrible sort of conversational cul de sac we didn’t seem to be able to move beyond!

[quote ButterflyOfShay]@Eesha you must be gagging to see him. Hopefully it’s goingvto fky by. Just focus on feeling gappy tgat you’ve met him and how great it will be when you get to meet up 🥰

@ibelieveinmirrorballs for you. Can’t help thinking that if he gets you to agree to this then he is going to be going back to things like that weekend with the fwb where he didnt contact you.. he clearly wants to protect his freedoms by not making you feel special enough and that doesn’t leave you in the position you want to be in does it. Keep protecting yourself 💗[/quote]
Thanks @ButterflyOfShay I completely agree. It’s unworkable, and sad. I am going to try hard not to contact him for a few weeks at least.

@ButterflyOfShay

You’re really patient and level headed *@SortingItOut*. No wonder he likes you 😘

Totally agree with this and great you’ll get some time together!

I have just deleted the chat, his number, and any exported chat files referencing his number 😢🥴

@ibelieveinmirrorballs

I have just deleted the chat, his number, and any exported chat files referencing his number 😢🥴

Sending hugs

@SortingItOut I have continued reading your updates with interest. I feel lots of common ground with your situation but I also know I couldn't sustain a relationship in that way. My overarching priority now that I'm out of the shitty situation I was in with my ex is not to be controlled ever again. So for example I can imagine living with someone if they're prepared to keep finances separate or have a legal agreement about living arrangements. Or if one of us kept our own place but we 'nested' in one place. I can also see how things have evolved with MrK as you weren't there asking for the romance and the lifetime partnership with him off the bat. Plus you may not be interested in raising his son.

Also - that ex sounds like the cheekiest of cf's with her arrangements and last minute stuff. But I'm also quite envious of her!!! She gets loads of down time 🤪

@ibelieveinmirrorballs that's a power move. Good on you. Gradually you will feel free of him and able to move on without that negativity hanging over you. I hope you are able to find some peace soon.

@Knutface

Tbh I did think him stating that he had a phd on his profile was a bit off putting but he has a look that I really like. If he is arrogant in person I will make an excuse to leave asap!

Ha! I rarely tell people I have a PhD let alone put it on a dating profile. It's always quite satisfying for jt to come up naturally and see the bloke's attitude change. Also a great judge of character. Hint: the bloke that then tells you about the prize they got in year 9 for their science essay and tells you in minute detail about how good they are at xyz, is not the man you are looking for - or, another classic response: 'so do you think you're really clever then?' Actually no, truth is I am just a bit obsessive, have study stamina and can get focussed on something for years 🤷🏻‍♀️ (if I'm on a date with a woman they are usually way cooler about it!)

I point blank lie about my education now as men feel intimidated by it, women go all starry eyed about it and everyone jeers at me if there’s something - anything - I don’t know. So I went to Cambridge 40 years ago, big bloody deal. The past is another country. Judge me on who I am now FGS.

Sorry. Rant over.

@Badbaddog

I point blank lie about my education now as men feel intimidated by it, women go all starry eyed about it and everyone jeers at me if there’s something - anything - I don’t know. So I went to Cambridge 40 years ago, big bloody deal. The past is another country. Judge me on who I am now FGS.

Sorry. Rant over.

I never tell anyone I’ve got a degree, I’m mostly useless

On this topic, I'm mildly concerned that my CV and life are a bit off-putting. I think a lot of men do not want educated or independent women.

One time I met a man for a date who was definitely well-educated and well-connected. My profile has no information regarding my background. He hopefully asked if I am a waitress when I said something that for some reason could be interpreted that way, and his face absolutely fell when I told him my job.

I agree that it's possibly best to leave it until meeting in person to see how they react! Can help you to filter out the sneerers and jerks, maybe.

I tell everyone that I've got a first class law degree that I studied for while working full time, and that I only got four O levels at school. The school system failed me.

I've never been in a relationship with a man with a degree.

@gelatodipistacchio

On this topic, I'm mildly concerned that my CV and life are a bit off-putting. I think a lot of men do not want educated or independent women.

One time I met a man for a date who was definitely well-educated and well-connected. My profile has no information regarding my background. He hopefully asked if I am a waitress when I said something that for some reason could be interpreted that way, and his face absolutely fell when I told him my job.

I agree that it's possibly best to leave it until meeting in person to see how they react! Can help you to filter out the sneerers and jerks, maybe.

At least it's not like mine, mine is embarrassing.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs Great move, how freeing it must feel. You are doing great in dealing with this situation.

@BelladiMamma I mean the idea of living together is lovely but just not for me right now and may never be for me. I am lucky Mr K is on board with that.
His ex doesn't have much down time as she has a 2yr old and 2 stepkids but even so her cf/disorganisation is top level.
Another time I was due to see Mr K and he rung at lunchtime to ask to meet later as he had open evening at his son's new school and his son's mum had only just called him. We all know open evenings are planned months in advance but she waited until a few hours beforehand to tell him. He would have been gutted to miss it and luckily he had no booked plans (I don't mind moving for something important like that)

@gelatodipistacchio Your thoughts (and another thread on here) about independent women is really interesting, I would say I'm a very independent woman, I definitely don't need a man but I agree some men think that women should need them and if they don't whats the point?
I'm not educated in the slightest but I have a good job and am quite knowledgable/clever which I know when I only wanted casual some men found offputting.
Luckily Mr K embraces my independence and I think found me a novelty to start with as he wasnt used to women like me. I don't need him but I want him and I think that counts for more.

@SortingItOut not disputing his ex is a cheeky cf, but just to say I only found out my son’s open evening date a couple of days before it happened. We were asked to make potential slot choices the week before. So not all schools have the dates set months in advance. And with three other kids can imagine she might be disorganised rather than deliberately telling him things late. Still sucks for you on the other end of it though 😕

@Stayingstrongish I agree that there is a chance she didn't know until that day but the month before she'd done the open evening at the new school but due to Covid only 1 parent allowed and there was talk of there being another one.

I agree that having 3 other children must be hard work, she also works part time and her new partner is useless. I do feel sorry for her - the 2 stepkids are new additions in the last 6 months as they were removed from their mother. She has always been very laid back and Mr K is used to her.
I would never share my thoughts with Mr K as its not my business but wanted to give an insight in to why meeting more than we do isn't possible and its nearly impossible to plan ahead too much.

Apparently she has asked to meet me😱
I don't feel the need to meet her as I'm not involved with their son but if I was I'd definitely meet her as its nice to know who is part of their life.

Thanks @BelladiMamma and @SortingItOut - stayed at my friends’ last night and am actually feeling okay. It’s very interesting how much better I’m taking this then my first OLD relationship ending - which must be progress as MrM was a much better match and we had a far stronger connection. Goddammit I do think it demonstrates that I’m developing resilience and that OLD is a learning process.

I’m not sure what I think on the subject of intimidating independence/education/career. My irons have all been quite different and I don’t think any of them have felt threatened but I think that’s probably because I’ve weeded out those types by the time I meet someone. I do think it’s hard as a woman to be able to date men who are significantly less educated or successful as I suspect in general men wouldn’t like to feel “lesser” in any dynamic. Which is clearly ridiculous.

Bold move @ibelieveinmirrorballs but a good step to detaching. It sounds like such a frustrating conversation!
I've got a touch of the @SortingItOut having not seen Mr D for a while due to Covid. Similar to @Eesha we're waiting for negative tests. It hasn't been that long in the grand scheme of things and my own life has taken over a bit as I've been ill then busy. I'm looking forward to reconnecting but it does feel more difficult to keep things going when we're apart.
I did mention my education on my profile, not in a braggy way, but I was getting fed up of being treated like a bimbo to be honest.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs glad you're feeling not too bad. I do think if a guy’s hurt you once, if and when it ends it doesn’t hurt as much as you expect it to, different to a guy who’s been great all along then it ends out the blue and you feel gutted. He’d caused you a fair amount of anxiety and stress the last few months hasn’t he which is never a great sign x

I never discuss education (or lack of, in my case), I’m quite vague about my job, I like to see if a guy isn’t bothered either way before discussing any of that, also assets and things, I keep everything about myself hidden until I know what a person’s about.

@SortingItOut wow, suddenly having two other step kids is a lot to take on. Especially if her new partner is not very helpful, grrr. Gives an insight perhaps into why Mr K spends so much time with his son, he may feel worried the son will be missing out on parental attention otherwise as his mum is split so many ways.

@gelatodipistacchio

On this topic, I'm mildly concerned that my CV and life are a bit off-putting. I think a lot of men do not want educated or independent women.

One time I met a man for a date who was definitely well-educated and well-connected. My profile has no information regarding my background. He hopefully asked if I am a waitress when I said something that for some reason could be interpreted that way, and his face absolutely fell when I told him my job.

I agree that it's possibly best to leave it until meeting in person to see how they react! Can help you to filter out the sneerers and jerks, maybe.

To be fair, anyone put off by who you really are isn't worth a minute of your time