Dating Thread 224: Keeping it casual or searching for The One

[WeWantTheFinestWines]

I'll cut and paste the rules in a minute

@SortingItOut thank you, I'm more upset at the situation really. I have childcare in place so could have had three full weekends together! I definitely don't blame him as he's really cautious generally. Next weekend would be day 16! Here's hoping I test negative.

Update from me regarding MrMixtape after our chat on Wednesday evening which ended with a sort of 'let's continue this discussion' following definite overtures between us that we probably need to end things.

I was surprised to hear from him several times on Thursday almost as if nothing had happened, sending me links and trying to make conversation, video called me at lunchtime - we had a really lovely funny/flirty chat which half way through I had to sort of say 'er... are we finished or what? What's going on..?' We then arranged to finish the serious conversation stuff last night. That conversation was a bit of a disaster, it was just awful, going round in circles - and the two of us just in such different positions I cannot see a way forward at all. It's absolutely infuriating because every other aspect of our communication is fantastic fun and good-natured, but we went round and round in circles about our expectations.

I was getting agitated because I feel like he's pigeon holing me as wanting more than I necessarily do because in my world you just talk about it but ugh... at one point I asked him how he felt and he just could not articulate anything on the subject of feelings without becoming really frustrated and upset. It was clear we would not be a good match - how does anyone navigate boundaries, needs and wants in a relationship without being able to say 'you did X and it upset me'... 'sorry that I did X I didn't realise I will try not to do it' etc etc etc. We left it that we will try and talk early next week and maybe meet for lunch in a couple of weeks, that we both agreed these conversations were absolutely awful and pointless and there's probably no solution to it that means we can stay seeing each other.

No idea if any of that will happen, I feel like I need no contact for a while but also the thought of 'saying goodbye' officially is just awful.

ButterflyOfShay
You could write a note saying ‘your cute , fancy a drink sometime ‘ and give it to him
I did that with a guy many years ago and we we still friends !

SortingItOut

I’ve been tracking your posts
As in many ways you have said that the freedom and independence suits you ?
Sometimes we know we are bugged but not sure exactly why we are bugged
Once you know that , are clearer you can address ?
His ex sounds very strange
What does she do all weekend !
Jesus I’d love 50:50
Rather than 90:10

ibelieveinmirrorballs

That’s sad. In a nutshell what’s the main issue between you and him ?

@Eesha It must be upsetting as I know your free time is limited. I'm sure that you'll be negative before you know it and next weekend will be on.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs Sorty to hear the second attempt at a conversation didn't go well.
Mr Mixtape said he would consider counselling, has he done anything about that? I'm thinking if he started asap then he might be able to discuss his feelings without getting upset or frustrated.
I agree that if he wont ever be able to discuss his feelings how could a relationship work.
I know that you dont want to say goodbye yet but no contact sounds a good idea because this situation must feel overwhelming.

@Eesha

I agree just sit tight and chill - people aren’t the same, he 100% isn’t your ex and things are very different? He’s clearly very into you from what you’ve posted.

Rant on here if you need to.

I’m a bit blasé about omicron for myself as I have decent base fitness and can normally WFH, but also mindful that if I spread it to “x workplace location” or “y person” and they had to self-isolate I’d feel like the Most Hated Person in the universe and would feel guilty (especially if they found out I’d got it from a close contact and known it, it’s not the same as accidentally getting it from a shop or a bus?)

It’s odd because logically I do think we’re all going to get omicron (and I really do hope this year is the beginning of the end 💪🏽) but also I think no-one wants to be That Person who brings it into work or has to give their friends details to test and trace?

Like it was going round my work towards end last year and of course it was no-ones fault but I think the guy who had to give everyone’s details felt terrible!

I’ve got a second date with mr Balkan next week
He’s massively grown on me in our recent comms
Sweet

But I have an issue
Went for a full sexual health MOT yesterday

I’ve got the hsv2 virus
Aka
Herpes

I know many friends and couples who live with and have no issues
Many people have it and don’t even know
It’s unfairly stigmatised

But I’m going to have to tell him

Fuuuuuuuck

Thanks ex

@Thisisworsethananticpated

ibelieveinmirrorballs

That’s sad. In a nutshell what’s the main issue between you and him ?

Last night he said he thinks we should have 'occasional adventures' but as an exclusive couple - it's hard to explain but there's something about the expectation that EOW we would have a weekend away together that he has announced he finds overwhelming. In my mind, obviously it's not the case you can always meet on those EOW times, but the starting point is that you would probably both want to, and make the most of any opportunity. Even that he was not able to say he would commit to. This was all a far cry from what we've done to date (which is meet EOW )... it's as though something has been triggered and even the thing that we were doing is now stressing him out.

I think I'm pretty laid back about plans etc but I think the starting point is the two of you at least being able to say 'hey I really like you let's see what we can make work between our schedules' - we're now at a dead end because the conversations themselves are utterly depressing.

[quote SortingItOut]@Eesha It must be upsetting as I know your free time is limited. I'm sure that you'll be negative before you know it and next weekend will be on.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs Sorty to hear the second attempt at a conversation didn't go well.
Mr Mixtape said he would consider counselling, has he done anything about that? I'm thinking if he started asap then he might be able to discuss his feelings without getting upset or frustrated.
I agree that if he wont ever be able to discuss his feelings how could a relationship work.
I know that you dont want to say goodbye yet but no contact sounds a good idea because this situation must feel overwhelming.[/quote]
He said he would consider counselling - then last night when I asked if he thought he would get some said 'well yes I do think I need to have it but as it's not exactly the most enjoyable thing to do I imagine I'll find 100 reasons not to go ahead with it when push comes to shove'.

Can't work with any of that... I think previous relationships have been with emotionally distant people ie everyone giving the distinct impression they don't care one way or the other.

I'm feeling okay today, about to go and stay with a good friend, had a brilliant massage this morning and overall feel like it's the right thing if a bit sad. We've had such good adventures and he's a great guy, but I absolutely know that right now we're at an impasse and contact is almost certainly going to escalate bad feeling rather than diffuse it.

Sorry to hear you’re still covid bound @Eesha.. you feeling ok though? Look after yourself x

@SortingItOut I’m just going to give him eyes and be flirtastic on the high street 🤣🤣😈it is such fun, I love a good old fashioned bit of flirting.

@Thisisworsethananticpated

ButterflyOfShay You could write a note saying ‘your cute , fancy a drink sometime ‘ and give it to him I did that with a guy many years ago and we we still friends !

Love it.. but I want a guy to show interest in me, if he’s not man or gutsy enough to ever try and chat to me then it’s his loss 😬😬 never chasing a man again after my ex.

ibelieveinmirrorballs

So he wants to see other people
What does ‘adventures ‘ mean ?

ButterflyOfShay

I get that , and
It’s not destined to be a failure either because of our dreaded exes
Oh the baggage they give us

@SortingItOut @ButterflyOfShay @ReturnOfTheBunk and anyone else! Thanks guys, we did end up chatting and he was so bloody lovely professing his love and being fine to wait. He's so good really. I'm just annoyed at having to wait.

@Thisisworsethananticpated I have experience of this by dating someone with herpes. My partner told me early on and I did tons of research. You can take medication and so you won't get flare-ups which is the only time you'll be contagious. From medical friends, they have assured me that so many have it and are symptom free. You are being very honest to tell him so and let him make that decision.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs so he wants to see others? Do you?

@ReturnOfTheBunk yes I don't want to be that person either. Its not like we wouldn't be all over each other but he has been so cautious plus has children and an older parent. I don't want to be the one to cause any issues

Got a date zero next week with MrRed. I am not investing much time in chats, I’ve made that mistake before. Chatting loads and then not getting on IRL. Just meeting for a drink, I’m only looking for casual so hoping we have a spark. He is much more educated and better off than me but I figured it doesn’t matter as I’m not looking for anything serious!

he is much more educated and better off than me

I’ve realised that education and money is mainly down to luck rather than merit
Now im older I value kindness , emotional intelligence more

Eesha
Thanks 🙏 x

@Eesha you must be gagging to see him. Hopefully it’s goingvto fky by. Just focus on feeling gappy tgat you’ve met him and how great it will be when you get to meet up 🥰

@ibelieveinmirrorballs for you. Can’t help thinking that if he gets you to agree to this then he is going to be going back to things like that weekend with the fwb where he didnt contact you.. he clearly wants to protect his freedoms by not making you feel special enough and that doesn’t leave you in the position you want to be in does it. Keep protecting yourself 💗

Omg excuse all my typos @Eesha 🤪 forgot to clean up that bit !!

@Thisisworsethananticpated

he is much more educated and better off than me

I’ve realised that education and money is mainly down to luck rather than merit
Now im older I value kindness , emotional intelligence more

Second that… he could be educated and loaded and still be a complete cringeworthy dick

A lot of them seem to have a superiority ‘god’ complex too… can’t stand in a bloke which is why I generally prefer trade kind of fellas.

Tbh I did think him stating that he had a phd on his profile was a bit off putting but he has a look that I really like. If he is arrogant in person I will make an excuse to leave asap!