Dating Thread 224: Keeping it casual or searching for The One

[WeWantTheFinestWines]

I'll cut and paste the rules in a minute

Stayingstrongish
It’s nice that beard was like that
I’d want my boys to be like that when they get to that stage with girls

Eesha
It’s true , my female friends don’t know
And won’t be told

@Thisisworsethananticpated

Your ex was Italian? I have a work mate with whom I commiserate about our shitty exes and her ex was also Italian! I think that his family enabled his behaviour to a certain extent.

(obviously this is all anecdotal - but the anecdotal evidence is mounting. My friend's ex is a stone cold emotional abuser)

gelatodipistacchio
Siiiii
My ex
Another ex also
And one ex was half Italian

think that his family enabled his behaviour to a certain extent

Don’t even get me started on that

This is making me worry even more about this date.

My ex came on super strong and got me to do things I didn't want to do (manipulative/persuasive).

It's so difficult to know whether I'm getting all worked up about possibly nothing and dumping my baggage onto this guy, or whether there's actually cause for concern. Maybe it's just a yellow flag that he's been so persistent.

If you really want to cancel it , cancel it
I don’t think it’s nationality , more that it’s a behaviour that doesn’t make you comfortable
Life is too short x

Thank you to @Stepcount and @Eesha for taking their time to give some really good pointers and insights into my profile.
Interesting to get views from a different perspective, need to get some photos changed now

@Thisisworsethananticpated oh, absolutely! This guy is in sales too so I assume he's used to being a bit pushy. Generalities can't ever define a person. (I'm originally from America and have dealt with people stereotyping me so I am also sensitive to doing it to others!)

@WeWantTheFinestWines No reason for him to have his son every weekend except he wants to and is a hands on dad. Not sure what mum thinks about not having her son any weekend but assume she's fine with it as its been the routine for 6 years.

I saw Mr K last night and mentioned the lack of time together in January which isn't great in our relationship, he agrees and is so laid back he just says these things happen sometimes.
He said he hoped February would be quieter for my meetings so he believes it is my meetings which caused us not to meet.
I've looked at my calendar and I had a work meeting every Tues and Thurs in January (plus some other nights but Mr K isn't free on those) except the 1st Thurs but I had a tattoo appointment and didn't finish until late.
We do occasionally meet after my meetings but there is no set end time and they can run until 10pm, usually its between 8 or 9pm so these meets are not set in stone (plus Tuesday is out now as he takes his son to football practice and isn't home until 8.30pm) so sometimes he sees friends or does his hobby rather than wait around.

February has slightly less meetings for me so I'm hopeful we'll see each other more.

He has also invited me out to a friends birthday meal, only select friends invited and some are his friends I haven't met yet and he wants me to meet them.
All the signs are positive (and his words) that he sees us as serious and committed which is great but it's just free time that doesn't always marry up☹

@SortingItOut it sounds like the work meetings and childcare schedules all just play 2nd to what seems like the main thing causing the issues which is that you’ve both decided for you not to be involved in his sons life, which is absolutely fair enough decision and I understand why you’ve both come to that decision, but you’re at a point where typically you would be seeing a lot more of someone you’re dating after 2 years - living together, your lives fairly entangled together as a couple etc but because of the son you’re both living very separately and on the periphery of each other’s lives, you’re stuck in a point where the relationship only really exists in its own little box that comes out when you do see each other. I think what you have to decide is if you can live with it being like that till the son is older/an adult and won’t have such an impact on his time

@ihavetogoshoppingnow Thanks for your thoughts.
The day I split from my husband (nearly 4 years ago) I vowed to never live with a man again (and also never to have a relationship but we'll ignore that) and I still intend to keep to this.
Mr K and I have discussed it (in a general way) and he is in agreement with this but thinks we might live together in retirement.

I realised a few years ago that this type of relationship is called Living Apart Together (LAT) and its exactly what I want.

My marriage was awful and I still can't imagine living with anyone, I don't want to get married again, share finances or do any of that so the not blending lives is perfect for me (and him- Mr K has had some crap relationships too).

I also like time to myself to 'regroup' so our situation suits me on so many levels but when we get a month of barely meeting I wonder if its all worth it. This month and next is looking better for meeting but due to the nature of my job that can change at short notice.

I'll speak to my Counsellor next week and go from there.

[quote SortingItOut]@ihavetogoshoppingnow Thanks for your thoughts.
The day I split from my husband (nearly 4 years ago) I vowed to never live with a man again (and also never to have a relationship but we'll ignore that) and I still intend to keep to this.
Mr K and I have discussed it (in a general way) and he is in agreement with this but thinks we might live together in retirement.

I realised a few years ago that this type of relationship is called Living Apart Together (LAT) and its exactly what I want.

My marriage was awful and I still can't imagine living with anyone, I don't want to get married again, share finances or do any of that so the not blending lives is perfect for me (and him- Mr K has had some crap relationships too).

I also like time to myself to 'regroup' so our situation suits me on so many levels but when we get a month of barely meeting I wonder if its all worth it. This month and next is looking better for meeting but due to the nature of my job that can change at short notice.

I'll speak to my Counsellor next week and go from there.[/quote]
I am 100% with you in terms of what I'm looking for. I think in the past it was more unusual but it's becoming increasingly normalised / popular as an option (well I hope so anyway!) especially amongst the population who are divorced and already have children. Thank you for sharing your journey re this - I feel I'm learning loads about the highs and lows of it - much appreciated

Not seen MrTurk for a while but we walked past each other today. He was on the phone but saw me… I sense 100% that he fancies me. I don’t know how I know it, but I know. Always gives me a buzz. He is f*king hot… one of these days…..!! ⚡️⚡️

@SortingItOut I do like the idea of Living Apart Together however I'd still be seeing my partner regularly. A month apart is madness though, there has to be some leeway.

@SortingItOut totally get you, the LAT situation is what I want to.

It sounds like the talk you had was positive. Do you get tired with so many late night meetings or do you find the job rewarding?

@Eesha Sorry my wording was wrong, its not been a month apart as we've seen each other every Friday in January. I should have said it was a month of limited time seeing each other.
Fridays are not great as its only a few hours of quality time as he leaves earlyish on a Saturday to take his son to football.

@PurpleStripyScarf and @Stayingstrongish I think so many more people want LAT which is great that its becoming more normal in society.

My late meetings are not too bad, I start later on the days I have meetings. I'm more tired when the meetings finish at 10pm, once I've packed and locked up and driven home its usually getting on for 11pm.
My job is not rewarding in the slightest but it pays well. I left my old, rewarding job a year ago and I miss it but felt I had to leave otherwise I was likely to have been TUPE'd to a company I didn't want to work for.
I may try to go back into the same field at some point.
I'm doing a qualification at work and want to get that before I leave plus my manager is off sick and I'm not sure if she'll return so there may be new opportunities.

@ButterflyOfShay How are you going to progress things? Or are you hoping the sparks will literally fly when you pass each other to create a fire that he won't be able to help falling at your feet😂
This is like a real life love story😍

@ButterflyOfShay I am also wondering how you are going to progress this as it sounds potentially great fun.

@SortingItOut you sound like you have thought about this a lot and I think you both have something special. I guess I can't see how his ex would be OK with every weekend without her son either.

I'm on day 10 positive today and after cancelling this weekend, i planned to see Mr Music next weekend. However he's of the school that we shouldn't meet till I'm negative regardless of the rules. I understand this but it's a bit disheartening so now may even be the following weekend which would be a month apart. Also brings back memories of my ex who only wanted to meet once Covid was completely eradicated.

@Eesha I also find it strange but don't comment on it. Sometimes she goes to London at weekends and says she'll be hone Sunday evening but when Mr K goes to drop his son off she's not there and he'll ring her and she says she lost track of time or will be back the next day (her atrocious timekeeping is well known) 🤦‍♀️ so that involves a round trip early the next morning for his son to get to school and Mr K to get to work.

How disappointing about Mr Music, I'm firmly in the camp of everyones going to get it eventually.
I've had Covid twice, the first time ( a year ago) I caught from Mr K who'd got it from his son who got it from his 'step-sisters', the recommended time was 10 dsys apart, I waited 14 days to be safe and caught it. No LFT needed back then so who knows if he would have still been positive.
2nd time (4 weeks ago) I caught Covid, tested negative on day 6 and 7, didn't see Mr K until day 9 and he didn't catch it. I wasn't too unwell with it either.
I don't think there is any rhyme or reason to catching it, my 1st time neither of my kids got it despite us all living together, 2nd time my DD had it (and didn't test negative until day 10) but my DS didn't and neither time did I stay in my room.

I know its hard not to draw on comparisons with your ex but Mr Music is so different and your relationship so much better that I think he just has a genuine concern and he's only saying until your LFT is negative and not until Covid disappears (never).

I hope you've got stuff to keep you occupied this weekend, try not to overthink (says me the overthinker 🤦‍♀️)

[quote Eesha]@ButterflyOfShay I am also wondering how you are going to progress this as it sounds potentially great fun.

@SortingItOut you sound like you have thought about this a lot and I think you both have something special. I guess I can't see how his ex would be OK with every weekend without her son either.

I'm on day 10 positive today and after cancelling this weekend, i planned to see Mr Music next weekend. However he's of the school that we shouldn't meet till I'm negative regardless of the rules. I understand this but it's a bit disheartening so now may even be the following weekend which would be a month apart. Also brings back memories of my ex who only wanted to meet once Covid was completely eradicated.[/quote]
Sorry to hear @Eesha but very hopeful for you that you'll be negative by next weekend - surely?!! Fingers crossed you do get to see MrMusic by then. Can totally imagine it bringing back memories of the ex regarding attitudes to Covid but it does sound different this time. Covid really has a polarising effect on people in terms of attitudes - I'm more with you and @SortingItOut and think there's not much you can do to stop yourself getting it. Both my DC had it a few weeks ago and I hugged/kissed them as normal and didn't get it. Who knows.

@SortingItOut thank you, it does sound like Mr Ks ex has everything on a plate and probably takes advantage. He's probably not challenging it because he wants to keel the peace. I guess just be aware of your wants or needs.

My ex was autistic so this probably contributed to his fears of covid and wanting it to be eradicated. I do agree with Mr Music but part of me just doesn't want to talk to him because I'm really so frustrated with the situation. I can't not talk as it will then become 'a thing'...

@ibelieveinmirrorballs thank you, it might all be a moot point if I'm testing negative this week. It's just annoying really. Mr Music is as lovely and adoring as always, it's just I'm annoyed at not being able to see him and I guess my natural reaction is to hide away.

@Eesha I imagine you're feeling like Mr K did when he asked to see me on day 10 after he had Covid and I refused and wanted to wait 14 days. (Given I caught it anyway I should have just seen him)
He was a bit annoyed and couldn't understand why I wouldn't see him when the rules said I could.
He saw it as me not wanting to see him but it was about not catching Covid, its hard not to take it personally.
He was slightly off with me for a day but we carried on texting etc and he was ok about it.

I know its not easy but we have to accept peoples choices and his is not to see you while you're positive. I bet he's really missing you but its hard not to be wary of Covid if you havent had it.