Dating Thread 224: Keeping it casual or searching for The One

[WeWantTheFinestWines]

I'll cut and paste the rules in a minute

@Daydreamscometrue on Sunday! He's just coming on very strong, but I suppose there's little harm in having a nice lunch out.

@ReturnOfTheBunk that’s exactly what I thought, it’s just so frustrating that nowadays dating feels like a case of sex first ask questions later for lots of people. The annoying part is I’m generally happy with sex on a first date more often than not if it goes well but when it’s implied as a forgiven conclusion before you’ve even met it’s just ugh can you not at least take a girl out for a drink first.

Even if it wasn’t about sex I’d never go to a strangers house for a first date for safety reasons and I think men should understand that at the very least

@ihavetogoshoppingnow

I agree, I'm sex-positive, anti slut-shaming etc , but the sense of pushiness/entitlement some men have is ridiculous and a real turnoff - someone on Tinder last summer was like "I want a hookup, but I'll LET you have a coffee first to decide"

I also get quite suspicious as I think if guys are genuinely attractive IRL they really don't need to be "too pushy" for sex, as they know that women will instigate it if the date is going well?

So them trying to "guarantee" it makes them suddenly seem a lot less attractive.

Yeah it’s the pushy eagerness that’s off putting. Also the sense of if they’re not even bothered to even meet you first to establish any connection/attraction they’re clearly happy to have sex with anyone they can get to say yes (and as such will probably be awful/selfish in bed) which doesn’t exactly make you feel special 🙄

How nice of him to give you the option to consent

One of the things I liked about Mr Beard was that due to transport issues on our first date (all public transport was cancelled unexpectedly early in the evening and we’d both been drinking!) he offered to let me stay over at his and made it clear he’d stay in his spare camp bed. He gave me his bed and went and stayed in his spare room (which doesn’t look particularly comfy) without trying anything. Think a lot of guys would have tried to take advantage of that. One I did refuse to go on a ‘date’ with as he invited me straight round his for drinks (not even a meal!) and I felt it would be too much pressure. And potentially dangerous of course.

That sounds good @Stayingstrongish - and you're happily intimate now I gather!

"not being a rapey twat" should be a basic standard.

My (limited, thank God) experience with the "come to mine for dinner" guys is there never is actually any dinner - it's just so tacky, they don't even have the politeness to have some food in and "make a show of having made an effort"?

TV is probably on, there's no effort to be a normal polite host, but maybe you can order something in and pay on your own Deliveroo account (after you've given them a BJ).

@ReturnOfTheBunk so rubbish, no mystery why those guys are single. Sad thing is guess the ‘dinner that turns out not to be dinner’ thing presumably must work out for them at least some of the time. Are the guys who do this fairly good looking and that helps them get away with it?!

Oh my gosh, I kind of wish I hadn't read this morning's thread - it's been a bit grim and disillusioning.

Many thanks to those who helped me yesterday,
Hopefully didn’t put you off your tea too much 😂😂

Anyone who invited me to their house for the first meeting wouldn’t get any reply. Might get a simple unmatch if I felt generous 😬

@ReturnOfTheBunk

Agree that definitely sounds like a "no effort request for sex without saying it directly" straight off *@ihavetogoshoppingnow*, before even meeting FTF!

It's a horrible way to be contacted/asked out

Like if you took him at face value, you might expect a nice night, and a "nice home cooked dinner"

but you'd then turn up and there'd be no dinner and maybe "whatever he had in to drink" (so probably beer or water ) before you were expected to be "up for it".

@ReturnOfTheBunk your post creased me!! So bloody accurate as ever 🤣🤣🤣

Thats OK @curmudgeonly007, remember more smiling pics

Hope everyone has a good weekend planned. I'm still testing positive on day 9 so Mr Music and I had to cancel our weekend. Looks like we will have to meet next week now so it's been a long 3 weeks. Still great, long chats and absence is making the heart grow fonder I feel.

@Eesha

Thats OK *@curmudgeonly007*, remember more smiling pics

Hope everyone has a good weekend planned. I'm still testing positive on day 9 so Mr Music and I had to cancel our weekend. Looks like we will have to meet next week now so it's been a long 3 weeks. Still great, long chats and absence is making the heart grow fonder I feel.

Awww that's such a shame. I hope that the meet goes well when you can finally get together. Not nice having to wait that long to see each other

What better way to spend a Friday evening than catching up with this thread...

curmudgeon smile! 😁

sorting what a difficult place you're in with Mr K. You really should be more of a priority in his life, but it is also true that it's important that he continues to see friends and spend time within his kid. Have we got an explanation for why said child's mother gets to have every single weekend off?

Eesha so sorry you've had to cancel your weekend. Hope you manage to arrange something else fun soon.

Who was it that was being overwhelmed by an Italian? Not to stereotype or anything (she said while stereotyping) but my experience of Italian men have not been good. The ones I have come across, through work and otherwise, have been sexist and overbearing and seduced by their own perceived charms. I have probably been unlucky and never met one of the many lovely Italian men out there, and I should not make such broad statements about an entire nation, so I'll get my coat.

On an Esther Perel related note, I find Matthew Hussey's advice really useful as well and will try to bear in mind his nuggets of wisdom if I ever date again.

@WeWantTheFinestWines I dated an Italian guy last year and he was very skilled in certain areas. That was it really.

@WeWantTheFinestWines that was me! I also have stereotypes of Italian men. I don't think it's entirely unfair - there is a machismo culture there, and having lived there for a time, I have seen how much is dumped on women within many Italian families.

[quote Eesha]@WeWantTheFinestWines I dated an Italian guy last year and he was very skilled in certain areas. That was it really. [/quote]

I never got that far! For all the reasons below... 😁

[quote gelatodipistacchio]@WeWantTheFinestWines that was me! I also have stereotypes of Italian men. I don't think it's entirely unfair - there is a machismo culture there, and having lived there for a time, I have seen how much is dumped on women within many Italian families.[/quote]

Should have guessed it was you - the clue is in the name, really 😊

@WeWantTheFinestWines haha, true! Thanks for your perspective. I'll update here following the date, or perhaps even in the loo during!

Happy Friday!
@ReturnOfTheBunk laughing at your post- it's insane how entitled people are! MrTattoo did ask me over on the second date but framed it as 'Want to come and make out on the sofa?' which happened to be exactly what I wanted to do so it worked for me!
First date at the house is just a no for me. I've got the kind of brain that pictures the reenactment on Crimewatch whenever I'm doing anything even mildly risky 😅

gelatodipistacchio

I totally agree with the domestic labour division in italy
I spent many holidays there frantically cleaning in case the female in laws came over

I’ve texted the 22 year old and said no more texting
I couldn’t get past , what if a man in his late 40s did it ?
We’d be like eew , and rightly so

And he texted back said my reasoning was off , and why society have to know

@Thisisworsethananticpated I have to agree, if it were an older man, I would be thinking it was creepy