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Dating Thread 224: Keeping it casual or searching for The One

971 replies

WeWantTheFinestWines · 24/01/2022 17:37

I'll cut and paste the rules in a minute

OP posts:
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8
curmudgeonly007 · 27/01/2022 14:34

@gelatodipistacchio
Personally I think practice helps for any skill so go for it, but have it the thought in your mind that’s it’s going nowhere, but just do a coffee or something where you can get out of easily.

curmudgeonly007 · 27/01/2022 14:37

If anyone has the time (and stomach), to take a look my pictures, drop my a PM, but gird your loins as I’m an ugly old bugger..( apologies in advance)

Eesha · 27/01/2022 16:11

@SortingItOut I might go against the grain here but OK son first but then you should come next, above everything else. If he would rather see his friends and do his hobbies knowing you have limited time together, then I just think he isn't appreciating you. Perhaps on some level you are feeling meh over him because you seem to come lower in his list. I know my feelings can quickly fade if I don't see someone enough. Perhaps I'm needy but I need that regular communication and seeing each other. I definitely think Mr K loves you after all you have said but I don't think he realises how much of an issue it may be to you. If I thought I might lose someone due to prioritising other stuff like friends etc all the time, I would be making changes

SortingItOut · 27/01/2022 16:24

@Eesha I know what you're saying but I think hobbies and friends are important too otherwise his whole life is his son, work and me and that's not healthy. We always tell people to build a life out of a relationship.

Too be fair my meetings don't have a set end time so even if we agree to meet after a meeting I might finish later than I thought and that would mean Mr K has sat at home waiting for me and once its after 8.30pm I'm keen to just get home. Is it fair that he should sit around waiting for me on the off chance he can see me or should he plan things in?

The only night that doesn't have meetings is Friday and we meet 99.9% of the time but a relationship can't survive on just a few hours of seeing each other.

Its a crap situation and I don't want to change my job and I know our schedule issue is 50/50 blame

BelladiMamma · 27/01/2022 16:28

Sorry if you've mentioned it elsewhere @SortingItOut but why aren't you doing more things with his son as well? As you've clearly come a long way and are a good, stable couple. Would that open up more options to stay close?

dancemom · 27/01/2022 16:50

Happy to look at anyones profile and fixed honest feedback ..Also if anyone wants to review mine

SortingItOut · 27/01/2022 16:51

@BelladiMamma Mr K wants to keep me and his son seperate which is fine by me as I don't want to play at stepmum or intrude on father/son time.

Mr K's thinking behind this is that in his last relationship (which lasted 3 years) his girlfriend had children of a similar age so they blended families and he practically lived with her full time, the children were very close and when the relationship ended his son was absolutely devastated to lose contact with her 2 girls and he doesn't want to put his son in that situation again and wants to enjoy one on one time with his son which they kind of lost when he was with his ex.

Too be fair seeing him when he has his son won't make our relationship better as for me I want quality time with him on our own and not with a 10yr old about.
His son goes to bed at 9.30 when he stays with Mr K and so thats the evening gone too.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 27/01/2022 17:02

dancemom

I showed my friends and they were like
Too many sunglasses 🕶 (I only have two pics)
Use age of the term ‘fun’ (I might revisit that )
Why the bed photo (I’m clothed and it’s a no
Makeup natural one )

So I’m too scared ! But I’ll happily review yours or curmergonelys (sic)

ReturnOfTheBunk · 27/01/2022 17:15

I'm probably lazy but I've gone minimal - a few very recent selfies (I try to put a few things in so you can see they're recent ie me with a COVID mask on) and make sure there's a recent "flattering but not full on glam" full-length one as I think that's important.

Probably look like a friendless introverted loser (hang on....ConfusedGrin) but I don't think the lack of activity or social shots really puts guys off tbh?

The profile text - just keep it simple, minimal, maybe a few emoticons and some inane statement like "I LIKE COFFEE".

I kind of work on the principle that if someone is attracted to my photos and thinks I'm their "type" and is willing to meet for a date, they won't need tonnes of persuading so don't want to oversell or overdescribe myself?

Plus people lie and BS in profiles or ignore them so there's no point saying "I don't want X, Y, or Z", just find out through chat and screening early on.

I also think the "creeps gonna creep" regardless of how I sell my profile or what photos I choose?

Respectful guys are respectful regardless of whether my photo has tonnes of red lipstick or a bikini shot: creeps just hit EVERY woman up.

In the old days of match.com, I used to put all my detailed geeky interests in, photos of me with no make-up doing wholesome activities...I STILL got the "I just want to come over and give you oral" as an introduction message type guys.

curmudgeonly007 · 27/01/2022 17:36

@dancemom @Thisisworsethananticpated
It’s just your opinion on pics, nothing rude (honestly), will PM you later, thanks

ibelieveinmirrorballs · 27/01/2022 18:20

[quote SortingItOut]@BelladiMamma Mr K wants to keep me and his son seperate which is fine by me as I don't want to play at stepmum or intrude on father/son time.

Mr K's thinking behind this is that in his last relationship (which lasted 3 years) his girlfriend had children of a similar age so they blended families and he practically lived with her full time, the children were very close and when the relationship ended his son was absolutely devastated to lose contact with her 2 girls and he doesn't want to put his son in that situation again and wants to enjoy one on one time with his son which they kind of lost when he was with his ex.

Too be fair seeing him when he has his son won't make our relationship better as for me I want quality time with him on our own and not with a 10yr old about.
His son goes to bed at 9.30 when he stays with Mr K and so thats the evening gone too.[/quote]
It’s almost impossible on the basis of current contact arrangements for MrK to have any kind of relationship if he also wants to see friends and have hobbies, isn’t it?

It’s incredibly unusual for one parent to have all the weekend time, is there really no wiggle room at all here? Weekdays obviously work has to be a priority; it’s incredibly hard for you to ever create any meaningful contact around two peoples work schedules.

Even one weekend a month (or one weekend day a month) would make a huge difference and would enable both of you to prioritise each other.

I feel for you both, it’s two people with lots of commitments worrying to maintain their respective responsibilities. But I can’t see how you’ll ever significantly shift how you feel without some manoeuvring between MrK and his ex.

ibelieveinmirrorballs · 27/01/2022 18:21

*working (not worrying)

mrgoodatfixingrhings · 27/01/2022 18:54

[quote Stepcount]@mrgoodatfixingrhings, I’m happy to take a look and @Eesha has offered. I’m not sure how you would share it with me, previously I was sent links to my personal email which I can send via private message on here. I’m sure whoever takes a look would be thoughtful in their responses. I reviewed one profile for someone and she was a lovely looking but without necessarily realising some pictures and comments in her profile were projecting a subliminal message that wasn’t what she wanted.[/quote]
Thank you @Stepcount & @Eesha (and anyone else I've missed ) Smile

How do you want me to do it ? I didn't know you could actually share your profile or shall I just take a screen vid of my profile ?

Eesha · 27/01/2022 19:09

I don't mind you pming me @mrgoodatfixingrhings and @curmudgeonly007. I'm mid 40s if that is the age range you want otherwise I would say there's a good range here of age appropriate people

Yellowhighheels · 27/01/2022 19:46

My match sub just run out, what's a good app to join?

Thisisworsethananticpated · 27/01/2022 20:05

Hinge
It’s my favourite so far
Tinder was just too much
Inner circle was snooty
But hinge so far I like

BelladiMamma · 27/01/2022 21:06

For anyone who follows relationship accounts on social media, this is a great one

Dating Thread 224: Keeping it casual or searching for The One
JangolinaPitt · 27/01/2022 22:54

Several people iI one have had good outcomes with Bumble. When I get back in the pool will go for that.

gelatodipistacchio · 27/01/2022 22:58

Oh, dear. I decided to give the overkeen iron (Mr Italy) a try just for dating practice. I suggested coffee. This has turned into brunch at a very chichi central London restaurant (and I thought that I had improved my boundaries). He apparently aims to impress. Eek.

JangolinaPitt · 27/01/2022 22:59

I like the idea of dating practice 😀

Daydreamscometrue · 28/01/2022 06:47

@ReturnOfTheBunk

I'm probably lazy but I've gone minimal - a few very recent selfies (I try to put a few things in so you can see they're recent ie me with a COVID mask on) and make sure there's a recent "flattering but not full on glam" full-length one as I think that's important.

Probably look like a friendless introverted loser (hang on....ConfusedGrin) but I don't think the lack of activity or social shots really puts guys off tbh?

The profile text - just keep it simple, minimal, maybe a few emoticons and some inane statement like "I LIKE COFFEE".

I kind of work on the principle that if someone is attracted to my photos and thinks I'm their "type" and is willing to meet for a date, they won't need tonnes of persuading so don't want to oversell or overdescribe myself?

Plus people lie and BS in profiles or ignore them so there's no point saying "I don't want X, Y, or Z", just find out through chat and screening early on.

I also think the "creeps gonna creep" regardless of how I sell my profile or what photos I choose?

Respectful guys are respectful regardless of whether my photo has tonnes of red lipstick or a bikini shot: creeps just hit EVERY woman up.

In the old days of match.com, I used to put all my detailed geeky interests in, photos of me with no make-up doing wholesome activities...I STILL got the "I just want to come over and give you oral" as an introduction message type guys.

Totally agree with you. The creeps will message regardless of the pictures and profile.

My pictures are mostly holiday snaps and very few with friends.

Daydreamscometrue · 28/01/2022 06:48

@gelatodipistacchio

Oh, dear. I decided to give the overkeen iron (Mr Italy) a try just for dating practice. I suggested coffee. This has turned into brunch at a very chichi central London restaurant (and I thought that I had improved my boundaries). He apparently aims to impress. Eek.
Sounds like it could be interesting! When are you seeing him?
ihavetogoshoppingnow · 28/01/2022 09:02

So mr offshore is coming back early next week and had arranged to make a date which was great till his suggestions included him making dinner or a grabbing drink ‘nearby’ Hmm made it clear I wasn’t in any way looking for a hookup and we agreed on drinks in town but on reflection this morning I’m thinking I might just cancel as I’m now not excited to meet him in the slightest. Why do they ruin it for themselves

Stayingstrongish · 28/01/2022 09:19

@ihavetogoshoppingnow it doesn’t sound like he said anything that bad, maybe he didn’t want you to have to travel too far - or did you get the vibe that he just wants to hook up straight away first date?

ReturnOfTheBunk · 28/01/2022 09:28

Agree that definitely sounds like a "no effort request for sex without saying it directly" straight off @ihavetogoshoppingnow, before even meeting FTF!

It's a horrible way to be contacted/asked out

Like if you took him at face value, you might expect a nice night, and a "nice home cooked dinner"

but you'd then turn up and there'd be no dinner and maybe "whatever he had in to drink" (so probably beer or water Hmm) before you were expected to be "up for it".