Dating Thread 224: Keeping it casual or searching for The One

[WeWantTheFinestWines]

I'll cut and paste the rules in a minute

[quote StartingAgain33]@InABetterPlaceNow ah that makes more sense!! Five weeks is still a really good amount! But yes I’d be climbing the walls…

Your daughter sounds amazing - you seem to have struck gold?!

What kind of mundane things did you like doing?[/quote]
Haha he didn't make it easy for me either 😂 while also being absolutely respectful of my boundaries, which was a huge deal for me.

I was over the moon with DD, and the younger two on how well behaved they were for her. They bought a load of snacks and had a movie night together 😳 Tbh they are all as excited as I am that I "have a boy I really like". In the 6 years since I split with my ex this is the first one that's felt right enough for them to know about. Ofc that then brings in all the worried that they might get too attached, then it not work out, but one day at a time.

My favourite mundane bit was in the morning, popping the kettle on and making us coffee in his kitchen then settling down on the sofa to watch a load of YouTube videos while munching on biscuits 🤪 His mum then came in (she's in her 70s and lives with him as she needs caring for, was previously in assisted living but he moved her in) and joined us 😅

I managed to work out where my anxiety was coming from and decided it was time to talk it through with him. He's a busy bee, which is great for me as it gives me space to do all the things I want / need to do, but he keeps adding more stuff in and it felt like we were only going to see each other every fortnight (we've been at once a week for a while now) which felt like it was going backwards and I'm worried it won't be enough to keep building a connection. We do video call for 3 hours or so 2/3 times a week and plenty of texting but I definitely need that face to face time (plus apparently now I have a sex drive 😂🙈).

He agreed and said that he would like us to have extended time (i.e overnights) every other weekend (his child free ones) and then to commit to doing "something" on the alternate weeks, even if that's just an hour or two catch-up "date night" type thing. Which sounds perfect right now. Bleh. I keep liking him a little more each time we connect. Firmly on the smitten bench 🙈

[quote Stepcount]@curmudgeonly007, my experience may be a little out of date as not been actively using the apps for 2 years. However when I was then yes it was very common to receive lots and lots of messages, particularly in the first week or two as a new face on there. I never made the first contact with anyone, I didn’t feel brave enough although in some respects I didn’t need to as I had messages coming to me. I’m not sure if you discuss OLD with any of your male friends but I know that it’s one of the most common frustrations for men on the apps that women don’t message or reply. My SIL gave me the advice before I started OLD not to engage in chats with matches who I wasn’t interested in. It seemed rude to me not to reply so I would usually send something back but sadly found that you are often getting into a conversation whilst trying to back out politely at the same time. Are you struggling to get responses from messages that you send ? Has anyone looked at your profile from on here ? I know that some have felt that was beneficial in the past.[/quote]
Yes the woman not messaging 1st / replied used to bug me, but less now, it’s kinda park for the course.

It more when you get a match / like from someone you have liked/ matched with, and they still don’t reply, that really bugs me ( just venting really now), the person has clearly looked at your profile / pics seen something they like and still don’t reply !

The no reply thing was the most annoying bit I found, why bother matching / liking if your not going to reply to a message, could never get my head around that

curmudgeonly a lot of men say in their profiles they hate this and I know it can be disappointing. I suppose it's a question of seeing someone when swiping who looks nice, swiping right/ liking etc. to keep them to one side so you don't lose their profile. Then when you go back to message, you do a second filter. Often you will notice something that means they're not a great fit after all so you don't get in touch. For me this is usually that they live out of range or have kids, or might've said something I don't like the sound of in their profile, 'no drama' is a personal least favourite!

9/10 it's that they live too far away so nothing really personal.

In terms of not replying rather than just saying 'no thanks', well, when I have said 'sorry but I've just noticed you live a bit far away', for example, there is usually a reply to say 'it's ok, I can travel' or 'let's chat and see how it goes, i could move in the future'.

If I'm honest, I would just rather not get into the conversation as sometimes it can get quite shirty or pushy. Easiest just to leave it.

@Stepcount

Oh I absolutely agree I do love my long distance men (I fancy another sailor but there's hardly any in my new city )

That said, I think it's just the modern way for people to move about in my experience.

I was focussing on getting onto my dream career path, then I did, then I moved from MrC, then I was away a lot

And I am actually at the life/work stage where I am thinking "do I want to do the conference in Tuscany this year or is it too much hassle?" (from a few years ago, feeling a career was passing me by).

So it's not just the boys travelling and me staying at home mooning, it's been 50% either way.

I guess I want to move to a stage where I want to grow, and I'm not "cutting off my nose to spite my face" in terms of human connection, and even if contact is bit sparse having a nice male friend I really connect with is fine.

MrHedgehog has travelled down four times to my city and fed and watered me, and I've turned down meets with him because I'm away or tired.

so it just seems a bit extreme to want to cut ties just because I'm pissed off and sad (which could be my own MH issues).

I may get ghosted/ignored, but feel I've already emotionally detached a fair bit (say 80%) and am up for dating others so it would be more annoying/ego dent, than really heartbreaking.

I have geeky male friends who do a LOT for me practically but are a bit shit/lackadaisical with contact so I'm happy to add to the group!

@curmudgeonly007 no animals, skiing or group photos on my profile I'm happy to report!

@curmudgeonly007 can imagine if they have lots of chats on the go you might be a ‘back up’ option and they decide to focus on some of the others instead unfortunately 😞 App culture is emotionally gruelling.

@Yellowhighheels

Agree, sounds a bit brutal but I think early "turning someone down" conversations can be a bit weird?

I'd rather they just stopped messaging or didn't message than go "'I've read through your profile and I want X and you're Y so no", that's a bit TMI.

@curmudgeonly007 I echo a lot of what the others have said. And I was absolutely guilty of matching then not following up on messages when I was on the apps.

I got a LOT of matches. Being fairly inexperienced with them I probably swiped too easily - there were a lot that I swiped on because they were attractive / sounded interesting but were a bit too far out (given that I don't drive and wasn't sure how childcare would work out). Some of these I let know, but quickly learnt that this led to them trying to convince me otherwise - "That's not a problem, I drive!" - I'd hate to put all the pressure on the other person to do the travelling. Some just turned me off instantly with the first message. Some I hadn't had time to check the apps for a few days and was left with a wall of text. Some had already unmatched. Some I was more interested in someone else I was talking to - I find I can't do more than 2 or 3 "proper" convos and I think I can only probably date one person at a time. They'd got in there first I suppose.

I think MrT was one of the only ones I reached out to first, and that's purely because I already had more convos than I could handle on the go. He just seemed like he was exactly what I was looking for (down to a T 🙈🤪) hence also arranging to meet him within 2 hours as he happened to be in a pub down the road from my house having just been to a gig (he's usually a 5 min train ride away).

@curmudgeonly007 another possibility is what I consistently do: swipe of a weekend night, get caught up in my endless life obligations and stress, don't look at the app again for several weeks 🙈

The no reply thing was the most annoying bit I found, why bother matching / liking if your not going to reply to a message, could never get my head around that

I don't think it's always an active "no reply". The apps throw up profiles that aren't active. People on here say "I've met someone, I've deleted the app", but deleting the app means nothing, your profile is still there, still churning through the algorithms and being offered to people who then match with you and hope for a reply.

Loads of reasons this happens. They also could have swiped on you weeks ago and their situation has changed and they've not opened the app for ages.

With me, I don't have notifications on, so I don't see I've got matches or messages until I log in.

Question for the ladies, I always assumed you would be swamped with messages / likes / matches, is this the case?

Well, I'm making a conscious effort now to message matches and unmatch after two days if no response. I don't like being swamped, I feel pressured. I messaged something like 24 last weekend who had matched me and got maybe eight replies. Most have fizzled, one has moved to WhatsApp (🤞🏻)
I now have two new matches who have not initiated any chat 🙄

I very much agree that sometimes on a second look there's something that doesn't fit so I just unmatch people in those circs. I've had people argue with me - "the distance is too far", "distance doesn't matter to me" (literally had this last week. So what you're basically saying is that I've told you something that matters to me and you are dismissing it because it doesn't matter to you. This is not a good start really, is it!?). And "you're a bit young for me" "age is but a number" (two days ago, I said "it's not though, is it", and again, ignoring my agency in this process). This reminds me of my ex who when I was due to go to his house for the first time it was going to be straight from work and I said no, because I'd still be in my work gear and he said "like I give a fuck what you wear". I should have ended the relationship at that point because the issue was that I give a fuck' what I wear and he was dismissing me.

Definitely think the apps need a light touch in usage. Low expectations.

Once I've got through the weirdos, I normally feel I do fine overall, have had some nice nights out etc. I was very anti-apps last autumn, but I've made my peace with them as they seem to be "the only game in town" for men in my demographic.

Off the apps I get attention but it's impossible going from "checking out a handsome stranger" to actually getting a date (that handsome stranger is probably on Tinder anyway!).

But still I think you need to have a "run in, run out" approach and take breaks as overall they can be a horrific mindfuck, however attractive you are.

There was someone on that First Dates Hotel who was really model good looking, and she said someone she met there ended up back swiping - it can be great but also a bit of a toxic culture.

*Once I've got through the weirdos, I normally feel I do fine overall, have had some nice nights out etc. I was very anti-apps last autumn, but I've made my peace with them as they seem to be "the only game in town" for men in my demographic.

Off the apps I get attention but it's impossible going from "checking out a handsome stranger" to actually getting a date (that handsome stranger is probably on Tinder anyway!).*

Yeah , it’s a bit depressing really, as a middle aged man, I get no attention, and walking up to someone is a total no no is this day & age, so as you say the only game in town for men in my demographic, bummer really 😞

But still I think you need to have a "run in, run out" approach and take breaks as overall they can be a horrific mindfuck, however attractive you are.

Or are not..

I had a video chat with an iron earlier this week. He seemed ok, but is the one who said he viewed 200 flats or something before buying the one he has (seems maybe a bit demanding/stressy). He has been messaging consistently and is coming on slightly strong (said he hopes to cook a particular dish for me someday)

He's now asking about arranging a date. Part of me feels that I am not that keen plus I am overwhelmed with sorting my house out after a recent move.

What are people's thoughts on dates as practice / dates when you are uncertain?

[quote Stepcount]@curmudgeonly007, my experience may be a little out of date as not been actively using the apps for 2 years. However when I was then yes it was very common to receive lots and lots of messages, particularly in the first week or two as a new face on there. I never made the first contact with anyone, I didn’t feel brave enough although in some respects I didn’t need to as I had messages coming to me. I’m not sure if you discuss OLD with any of your male friends but I know that it’s one of the most common frustrations for men on the apps that women don’t message or reply. My SIL gave me the advice before I started OLD not to engage in chats with matches who I wasn’t interested in. It seemed rude to me not to reply so I would usually send something back but sadly found that you are often getting into a conversation whilst trying to back out politely at the same time. Are you struggling to get responses from messages that you send ? Has anyone looked at your profile from on here ? I know that some have felt that was beneficial in the past.[/quote]
I'd be slightly tempted to take an offer of the profile checking up to get an unbiased opinion but then worried as to the feedback

@gelatodipistacchio

In principle I’d say no - but in practice I might say yes if I was feeling bored and curious (so no help there 🤷‍♀️).

I guess it depends how bad your schedule is really, how draining you find bad dates are? If you’re desperate for more time to stay in or go to the gym then maybe cancel but if you’re more open to meeting new people then see how it goes.

Also will it be a big chunk of travel time for you or just walking down the road for a coffee?

I guess also do you feel attracted to his profile and chat or is he already giving you the ick/friendzone feel?

@SortingItOut I often read your posts with interests and I just get this feeling that Mr K doesn't give you enough and you just make do because you feel you are unavailable. Honestly, how many people would be OK to the level of time he has with his son and not allocating enough time for you. There's a happy medium there to be found and I don't think you ask much at all. Obviously his exes would have got annoyed that he didn't have time for them but what about your relationship. I just think he needs to pull his finger out.

@Yellowhighheels your post resonated with me as an ex had an ex who he used to say never argued with him in TEN YEARS. He also reminded me that she wasn't just a girlfriend, she was his chosen life partner. Talk about making me feel inadequate! This one sounds another bozo for already setting the bar high.

I'm happy to review profiles whilst still with covid (day 8). If I'm still positive tomorrow, my weekend with Mr Music is cancelled. Waaaah! He's been wonderful as usual.

@gelatodipistacchio I would only meet if there was potential or if I had time. I rarely had any free time so had to be really cutthroat with dating

@mrgoodatfixingrhings, I’m happy to take a look and @Eesha has offered. I’m not sure how you would share it with me, previously I was sent links to my personal email which I can send via private message on here. I’m sure whoever takes a look would be thoughtful in their responses. I reviewed one profile for someone and she was a lovely looking but without necessarily realising some pictures and comments in her profile were projecting a subliminal message that wasn’t what she wanted.

@mrgoodatfixingrhings
Go for it, I had ms W review my profile last year, and she gave me somethings to think about with the way I was presenting myself, very interesting to hear what she had to say.

On this point, can someone give me an honest opinion of picture I’m thinking of using if I ever go back on the apps ?

@ReturnOfTheBunk @Eesha thanks - these perspectives are helpful. Maybe I should give it a miss. Having to say no thanks feels so pressurised, but I suppose that's the cost of doing business (as it would be quite shit to simply ghost ...)

I'm willing to look at profiles/pictures!

@Eesha I hope you and your children have not been too poorly with Covid.

I appreciate your comments on Mr K, it's definitely a very tricky situation.
Things worked better before I started my current job because I used to work 9 - 5 so my evenings were my own and Mr K was free 3 x per week so we would usually meet 2 or 3 times per week from about 6pm onwards so a nice chunk of evening together.
I then started a new job which involved some evening meetings on 2 of the nights we used to meet, Mr K encouraged me to apply knowing about this.
We could still usually meet twice a week even with my meetings, sometimes we'd meet after a meeting so only an hour or 2 together but it was better than nothing.
Very occasionally I get really busy months and have meetings 2 of the nights we'd normally meet, this happened in September and again this month. Although we could have met after some of my meetings Mr K either had other plans or was too tired.

Our current situation is our available days to meet is now down to 2 (with 1 of those being my meeting night twice per month) as Mr K now takes his son to football practice on one of the nights we used to meet and is not home until 8.30pm.

Since Xmas I have seen him once per week for a sleepover but not really quality time. The less I see him the less I want to see him, right now I don't care if I don't see him ever again which isn't a good place to be. I feel we've lost our connection as we've had no quality time together for a month.

He actually video called me earlier, not sure if he actually missed me or whether it was guilt that after my work meeting tonight he isn't available to meet as he is seeing his mate. (He did the same 2 weeks ago but different mate).
He said he misses me blah, blah, blah.
He mentioned not meeting much and I told him my free days next month. He then suggested meeting Tuesday after his son's football practice and my meeting, I said I thought it was too late to meet as it would basically be bedtime, he said we should still meet as we need to make an effort so I said if thats the case why haven't we met any Tuesday in January when its the same scenario, he couldn't answer but said he was trying to plan us meeting, I told him I wasn't interested in seeing him for 30mins before bedtime as its not quality time, I told him we'd speak tomorrow about it.

I've also spoken to a friend about it today, she is in a similar situation with her boyfriend, she has no kids, works until 8pm most week nights, he has 2 children he sees EOW and sees her alternately but that means he also has to fit in hobbies and friends on those weekends too.

I know Mr K is very serious about our relationship and really likes me and what I bring to his life but I'm beginning to realise he doesn't actually have time for everything he wants to do. We are at different life stages (although we're only 3 years apart) as my kids are adults and his son isn't.
I don't think our free time aligns any more and I think we need to face facts.
He should put his son 1st and he should see his friends and have time for hobbies but where does that leave a relationship?
Its such a shame as he is a lovely guy, has his life together, is self sufficient, financially secure- everything you want in a man except time (and I don't know when that will improve)

I'm going to speak to my Counsellor next week and discuss with her as I don't want to be too hasty.