Colleague emotional affair - just found out that I'm the 'other woman'

[Tripizie]

I just posted this in 'chat' but I think that's the wrong section so moving it to here.

Its hard to know where to start with this. I'm new to the site and really just need to vent and get it all out and I highly doubt he'll be reading Mumsnet, so hopefully I can do so anonymously.

3 years ago, I finished university and started a grad job as a big firm. I was 21, stressed, anxious and felt incredibly out of my depth.

My manager at the time was a 27 year old man who I quickly came to rely on. He was charismatic, charming and extremely supportive. Over the time that we worked together we got closer and he would message me all day everyday on Teams about banal topics. He would ring me and we'd spend all day chatting about life and our upbringing. He asked about me and made me feel special and I loved talking to him everyday.

He then over time started texting me every evening and all day at the weekend about topics nothing to do with work. It would be photos of th lunch he was eating, or the show he was watching, or the park he was at. But it was constant.

This has been going on for 2 years and we still talk all day every day. I really fell deeply for him and thought that he just like me too, to the extent that I turned down other men who've approached me because none matched up to him.

Anyway, cut to last night. He asked me for a drink with him and some of his friends. I went and his friends started asking about his girlfriend. They've been together for over 2 years and are about to buy a house together.

He has outright lied to me this whole time about her. He told me he spent Christmas alone but he was actually with her. He said he went on holiday with 'a friend' but it was with her. He told me he was buying a house for 'me and my cat' - aka no mention of the girlfriend.

I was and still am devestated. I'm angry I've wasted all this time on him and that he's lied to me. I feel awful for his poor girlfriend. I'm still trying to cut off my feelings for him and I've been ingnoring his messages this morning, but we still work together so it will be tricky.

Anyway I'm not sure what I wanted to get out of this but thank you for reading this far. I just needed to get it off my chest.

If course it's natural to have a void, you've invested a lot of time and emotional time into the relationship. He's been your confident, therapist and mentor, so to suddenly lose that, you will miss it. It doesn't however make up for the fact that what's he's given you has been false. He's led you on terribly and miss by omission for a very long time. This is emotional time you've invested under false promises, time and effort that you could have invested elsewhere

Hi Tripizi – sorry this is long - I am the “wife” of the guy you describe – let me try and answer some of your questions, I know it is slightly different as we have been married 20 years with 2 children. Also the women he was talking to knew he had a wife and children but neither of them mentioned “us” his family. So 5 years ago my husband was talking/texting to a woman from work every day for 3 years (I knew nothing of this) I had no clues as he was very happy at home, was very loving and just being himself (no red flags). However he was talking/texting to her every day about benign topics TV shows, books, movies, hobbies, running, gym etc. Then I saw a text and everything came into the open – I went mental and threatened to leave him. After lots of work on himself he recognised that: he felt nothing for her she was just an ego boost, someone who made him feel “still got it” . He worked very hard on himself and recognised that it was all about getting other people giving him validation/like him (which he is embarrassed about as realises how immature that is). Here is the horrible bit for you to recognise: He says he did not care for her she was just “available” to chat too, she made it was easy as she was always free to chat coz she had nothing else in her life” He said - if it had not been her it could have been anyone! but she just kept responding/validating him (horrible I know but true). He also never (just like your guy) crossed the line because he said he did not really like seeing her in person (it only happened 4 times he saw her in the canteen with other people there). He could have met up with her but never did - because it made it seem to “real” – he just liked the thought of someone liking him/thinking he was a great guy – she was just a “fantasy person ” she was just “virtual it did not make it seem real” so he could never be seen as cheating – he did not think he was that “type” of person. He also said he never thought it would go anywhere because he never wanted it too – he didn’t fancy her at all (I believe him as it was never about her or her looks/personality) it was all about him – she just made his day less boring. I asked how he never thought about me when he was texting – He said he was able to just justify she was just a friend he could talk to (the texts/chats were never ever sexual or about feelings or talking about me ) all just banal superficial chat, probably like you would have with people round a bank of desks but it was by text. He said he could compartmentalise her and never ever thought about her when he was with me & the boys – just when he was bored and on his own – He had a 2 hour commute by bus so had lots of spare time (this is when most chat happened) I know how horrible this is for you but you have to realise it was never about you or his girlfriend it was all about him and his ego, his feelings of entitled to act how he wanted and he said he never thought about the consequences he says he just thought the chat would end at some point and it was not that important a friendship to him. Although he recognises she might have thought it was more because it was so often and often started by him – he said he liked to keep her sweet so it would keep going so he could effectively continue his ego boost. That was all 5 years ago and he has changed massively once I said it was an emotional affair (not because he fancied her, but because he spent some time emotionally talking to her and kept it a secret) He read up on this was mortified and from the second I found out he cut her off completely never contacted her again. He changed over night! He worked on himself, read every book going, sorted MC for us both mainly about “how we communicated” – basically did everything to save the marriage and has never stopped trying - even 5 years later! He puts in 100% effort to the marriage everyday! When I first found out he begged me to stay with him and give him the chance to show that he was full of remorse and guilt and shame. We now have a good marriage because of the amount of time and effort he now has available to put into me and you can be assured I made his life hell and he fought tooth and nail to keep his marriage. He now 5 years later cannot believe he even chatted to her as he says they never really did have anything in common anyway ! He just made it seem that way in his head to keep it going – he cannot believe he nearly lost everything his marriage/children because of his own selfishness and stupidity in taking me and his family for granted. All for chatting with someone he had no feelings for but who made themselves available for his ego boosts, made him feel like he was “trendy, cool, still had it” – honestly it is so pathetic. It is crazy but I am trying to be honest with you please do not think it was ever about you it was always about him and because you are such a kind lovely person it will be hard for you to understand how someone could be so cold and “fake” but believe me that is all your relationship with him ever was to him. Have more respect for yourself – I am sure he will be terrified just now that you might rock the boat and tell his girlfriend – let him sweat! – but most importantly take care of yourself and go and enjoy your life – he never cared for you please remember that – if he did he would have made a move by now but you know what he never wanted to enough! Hopefully like my husband he will rehabilitate and change his life around and recognise his own failings as a human-being (we are all flawed people) before he destroys his own life and his girlfriends. Btw I don’t blame the other woman – it was all on him, but she did know he was married and had a family – something you now know about him so please keep your distance and give them a chance. Please ask me anything and I will get my husband to answer any unresolved questions you have.

@Cactuslove

I wouldn't give a reason OP. I'd be friendly with him but not all the personal messages anymore. If he outright asks just say your taking q break from social media and messaging for your MH. But ultimately play the long game... let him think he's playing you. Remain cordial. Let him use his 'sway' for you rather than against you. Climb the ladder until he's just a memory. That would be my game plan.

Yes - much better idea.

Trip, I sometimes forget I have 5 decades of work experience, & many years of not producing enough oestrogen to GAF.
As young woman starting up her career ladder, the advice from PP like @Cactuslove & @Tamworth123 is much better than mine upthread.

I especially like how politically astute Cactus's are. Using the immediate set-back to lever as much advantage as possible without fully showing your hand :)

@Freeme31

Hi Tripizi – sorry this is long - I am the “wife” of the guy you describe – let me try and answer some of your questions, I know it is slightly different as we have been married 20 years with 2 children. Also the women he was talking to knew he had a wife and children but neither of them mentioned “us” his family. So 5 years ago my husband was talking/texting to a woman from work every day for 3 years (I knew nothing of this) I had no clues as he was very happy at home, was very loving and just being himself (no red flags). However he was talking/texting to her every day about benign topics TV shows, books, movies, hobbies, running, gym etc. Then I saw a text and everything came into the open – I went mental and threatened to leave him. After lots of work on himself he recognised that: he felt nothing for her she was just an ego boost, someone who made him feel “still got it” . He worked very hard on himself and recognised that it was all about getting other people giving him validation/like him (which he is embarrassed about as realises how immature that is). Here is the horrible bit for you to recognise: He says he did not care for her she was just “available” to chat too, she made it was easy as she was always free to chat coz she had nothing else in her life” He said - if it had not been her it could have been anyone! but she just kept responding/validating him (horrible I know but true). He also never (just like your guy) crossed the line because he said he did not really like seeing her in person (it only happened 4 times he saw her in the canteen with other people there). He could have met up with her but never did - because it made it seem to “real” – he just liked the thought of someone liking him/thinking he was a great guy – she was just a “fantasy person ” she was just “virtual it did not make it seem real” so he could never be seen as cheating – he did not think he was that “type” of person. He also said he never thought it would go anywhere because he never wanted it too – he didn’t fancy her at all (I believe him as it was never about her or her looks/personality) it was all about him – she just made his day less boring. I asked how he never thought about me when he was texting – He said he was able to just justify she was just a friend he could talk to (the texts/chats were never ever sexual or about feelings or talking about me ) all just banal superficial chat, probably like you would have with people round a bank of desks but it was by text. He said he could compartmentalise her and never ever thought about her when he was with me & the boys – just when he was bored and on his own – He had a 2 hour commute by bus so had lots of spare time (this is when most chat happened) I know how horrible this is for you but you have to realise it was never about you or his girlfriend it was all about him and his ego, his feelings of entitled to act how he wanted and he said he never thought about the consequences he says he just thought the chat would end at some point and it was not that important a friendship to him. Although he recognises she might have thought it was more because it was so often and often started by him – he said he liked to keep her sweet so it would keep going so he could effectively continue his ego boost. That was all 5 years ago and he has changed massively once I said it was an emotional affair (not because he fancied her, but because he spent some time emotionally talking to her and kept it a secret) He read up on this was mortified and from the second I found out he cut her off completely never contacted her again. He changed over night! He worked on himself, read every book going, sorted MC for us both mainly about “how we communicated” – basically did everything to save the marriage and has never stopped trying - even 5 years later! He puts in 100% effort to the marriage everyday! When I first found out he begged me to stay with him and give him the chance to show that he was full of remorse and guilt and shame. We now have a good marriage because of the amount of time and effort he now has available to put into me and you can be assured I made his life hell and he fought tooth and nail to keep his marriage. He now 5 years later cannot believe he even chatted to her as he says they never really did have anything in common anyway ! He just made it seem that way in his head to keep it going – he cannot believe he nearly lost everything his marriage/children because of his own selfishness and stupidity in taking me and his family for granted. All for chatting with someone he had no feelings for but who made themselves available for his ego boosts, made him feel like he was “trendy, cool, still had it” – honestly it is so pathetic. It is crazy but I am trying to be honest with you please do not think it was ever about you it was always about him and because you are such a kind lovely person it will be hard for you to understand how someone could be so cold and “fake” but believe me that is all your relationship with him ever was to him. Have more respect for yourself – I am sure he will be terrified just now that you might rock the boat and tell his girlfriend – let him sweat! – but most importantly take care of yourself and go and enjoy your life – he never cared for you please remember that – if he did he would have made a move by now but you know what he never wanted to enough! Hopefully like my husband he will rehabilitate and change his life around and recognise his own failings as a human-being (we are all flawed people) before he destroys his own life and his girlfriends. Btw I don’t blame the other woman – it was all on him, but she did know he was married and had a family – something you now know about him so please keep your distance and give them a chance. Please ask me anything and I will get my husband to answer any unresolved questions you have.

Thank you for sharing this, it's helpful to hear the other side and it definitely makes me more angry at him, rather than missing him, to think that this could be how he viewed me.

What I do question though is why he so often messaged me whilst with his girlfriend. He'd send me photos of the views from him and his girlfriend's hotel room, and of the food on their dates, and the cinema screen when I now think they were on dates. I know your husband said he only messaged her when bored and not with you, but does he have an idea of why my colleague would have been thinking about me enough to message me when with his girlfriend?

Hi OP i am sitting with my husband just now , he suggests that the guy would be able to do this because he is taking his girlfriend for granted and trying to make himself appear more interesting than he actually is. He will be able to compartmentalise this in his head that he's just texting a friend (not considering how you're feeling & using what ever event he is discussing with you as a means of showing off). when he got a reply from you in his head this would enforce his own selfish view of himself & boost his already inflated ego. My husband wants to remind you that although this is horrible situation you are in - it is effective a fake friendship not based on truth or compassion for you and is all about the guy being the "big I am" Ask anything else & we will offer any thoughts we can - but believe me you will be better off without him in your life

@Freeme31

Hi OP i am sitting with my husband just now , he suggests that the guy would be able to do this because he is taking his girlfriend for granted and trying to make himself appear more interesting than he actually is. He will be able to compartmentalise this in his head that he's just texting a friend (not considering how you're feeling & using what ever event he is discussing with you as a means of showing off). when he got a reply from you in his head this would enforce his own selfish view of himself & boost his already inflated ego. My husband wants to remind you that although this is horrible situation you are in - it is effective a fake friendship not based on truth or compassion for you and is all about the guy being the "big I am" Ask anything else & we will offer any thoughts we can - but believe me you will be better off without him in your life

Thank you! Him just using me to show off to would make sense in those situations. I do wonder whether he was attracted to me, I think from a couple of slightly flirty comments that he may have been.

The other thing is that he would sometimes indirectly ask about my dating life, and seemed jealous or annoyed if he thought I was seeing someone. Does your husband think this was just because he was worried he was going to lose my attention and the ego boost?

Has he messaged you any more or did he just stop?

If you have to speak to him on the course I wouldn’t make any reference to his girlfriend…even though he must know from the timing of when you stopped responding, why give him the satisfaction of confirming it? I’d just be very breezy and professional. If there’s anyone else you know from the sign up list, I’d maybe email them beforehand and say “I see you’re doing X course, me too, really looking forward to it” and then I’d gravitate to them on the first day, sit next to them/chat to them during welcome coffee or whatever so as not to give him much chance to get you alone. I wouldn’t outright ignore him, but keep any interactions light, breezy and as bland as possible.

If he does manage to corner you and ask what’s wrong, I’d say something like “I realised I was letting work blur into my personal life and taking up far too much of my precious free time. I’ve been working on having a better work-life balance and I feel great! I’d recommend it to anyone” and leave it at that. That way you’ve given him no ammunition at all either to try to worm his way back into your affections, or to start accusing you of having blown his (sleazy and dishonest) actions out of proportion.

Hi Trapize – He says: “was he attracted to me” – My husband suggests that he would have been attracted to the “idea” of you – because you liked him so much he would be attracted to that thought and you reinforced those over inflated thoughts he had about himself by making it obvious and being so available for him (again all about him not you) & he suggests that yes you probably got on ok as he does with lots of other people. Maybe he didn’t see it as outright flirting but keeping you “on side/sweet” so you could continue to meet his need for validation/ego boost. He thinks you were probably “projecting what you wanted him to feel” when you thought he was jealous or annoyed about you dating, why would he be jealous he had a girlfriend already waiting at home for him – he really did not need you – you were just the icing on the cake for him. Another way to look at this could be even if he sent you 40 texts in a day they probably only add up to about 20 minutes of chat time - however the rest of that 24 hour day he was with his girlfriend chatting about their “real life” eg: buying a house, personal family stuff about his parents, what pictures they would hang on the wall etc - so your 20 minutes text/chat time was nothing compared to the other 11 hours and 40 minutes she had him. (my husband says he probably spent longer looking at a football forum websites than the time he spent texting back and forward) He also says he never really “considered/thought” about OW or her feelings when he was chatting with her he just “reacted” to what was under his nose at the time and she kept making herself free to be under his nose. He also said if she sent a photo etc of her new hairstyle he would say “its lovely” but he says tbh he never knew one lovely style from another - it was “just what people expect you to say”. Her dog died and he says he “expressed lots of sympathy” but in reality I know he does not like dogs, she did not know that about him and says he really did not care that her dog had died, it was just what he thought she’d want to hear. He knows this makes him sound like a horrible/shallow & manipulative person and at that time he really was – only thinking about himself, he regrets it to the core of his being now and never wants to be that person again. You should look at the 5 stages of grief about your relationship – no matter what that relationship was with this guy - it is gone it will never be the same. I know our relationship has changed - the way I feel about my husband has changed, it used to be unconditional love it is now very much conditional love with lots of boundaries ( and as ive said if he had not worked so hard on forgiveness I would have been off) Give him and his girlfriend a chance and stay away he will either trip himself up again or realise he was not a nice boyfriend and change. My husband also said that he was glad when the texting/chat stopped as it had all got a bit boring and dull - it had become more about the weather, tea etc not subjects that allowed him to “show off” as he had at the beginning of the chats. My husband did not know how to make it stop, basically he was a coward. Perhaps your “guy” was the same - just let you meet his friends knowing it might come out because he did not know how to get himself out of the situation or tell you about how his relationship with his girlfriend which is moving forward (regardless of you) You don’t know what he has been saying about you behind your back to his friends he could have told the people he was with the night you found out that you were some girl from the office who had a crush on him and he was not man enough to tell you – so could they drop his girlfriend and house move into the conversation - he must have known before you all met up – that they would mention his girlfriend and new house (perhaps he was using this situation as a way of getting out of the situation with you) Husband also says what “Notverygrownup “ yesterday at 10.25 says was good. But he suggests do not talk to him directly on the course or on your own he will probably try to “reel” you in again. Stay strong and stay away from him for your own mental health – you and his girlfriend are both his victims and deserve better. Just think if she found out now and you could not keep the moral high ground if you text/continue the friendship now you know he has a girlfriend – then she would rightly just see you as the OW perusing an unavailable man/her man . Take care of yourself & don't let this horrible experience change you, you seem lovely & expect other people to treat you the way you treat them, unfortunately not everyone is as lovely as you - its a lesson OP albeit a hard one but stay kind & be kind - Please ask anything else and hubby will try and give you an answer.

@Zonder

Has he messaged you any more or did he just stop?

I ignored the last two messages that he sent and he hasn't sent any more since then. The last one was over a week ago now.

@OnlyTheTitosaurusOfTheIceberg

If you have to speak to him on the course I wouldn’t make any reference to his girlfriend…even though he must know from the timing of when you stopped responding, why give him the satisfaction of confirming it? I’d just be very breezy and professional. If there’s anyone else you know from the sign up list, I’d maybe email them beforehand and say “I see you’re doing X course, me too, really looking forward to it” and then I’d gravitate to them on the first day, sit next to them/chat to them during welcome coffee or whatever so as not to give him much chance to get you alone. I wouldn’t outright ignore him, but keep any interactions light, breezy and as bland as possible.

If he does manage to corner you and ask what’s wrong, I’d say something like “I realised I was letting work blur into my personal life and taking up far too much of my precious free time. I’ve been working on having a better work-life balance and I feel great! I’d recommend it to anyone” and leave it at that. That way you’ve given him no ammunition at all either to try to worm his way back into your affections, or to start accusing you of having blown his (sleazy and dishonest) actions out of proportion.

Thank you, I like this suggestion! It also makes it clear that I now see him as just 'work' rather than a friend or part of my personal life so I think it will be good to make that boundary clear now, if he hasn't already realised.

@Freeme31

Hi Trapize – He says: “was he attracted to me” – My husband suggests that he would have been attracted to the “idea” of you – because you liked him so much he would be attracted to that thought and you reinforced those over inflated thoughts he had about himself by making it obvious and being so available for him (again all about him not you) & he suggests that yes you probably got on ok as he does with lots of other people. Maybe he didn’t see it as outright flirting but keeping you “on side/sweet” so you could continue to meet his need for validation/ego boost. He thinks you were probably “projecting what you wanted him to feel” when you thought he was jealous or annoyed about you dating, why would he be jealous he had a girlfriend already waiting at home for him – he really did not need you – you were just the icing on the cake for him. Another way to look at this could be even if he sent you 40 texts in a day they probably only add up to about 20 minutes of chat time - however the rest of that 24 hour day he was with his girlfriend chatting about their “real life” eg: buying a house, personal family stuff about his parents, what pictures they would hang on the wall etc - so your 20 minutes text/chat time was nothing compared to the other 11 hours and 40 minutes she had him. (my husband says he probably spent longer looking at a football forum websites than the time he spent texting back and forward) He also says he never really “considered/thought” about OW or her feelings when he was chatting with her he just “reacted” to what was under his nose at the time and she kept making herself free to be under his nose. He also said if she sent a photo etc of her new hairstyle he would say “its lovely” but he says tbh he never knew one lovely style from another - it was “just what people expect you to say”. Her dog died and he says he “expressed lots of sympathy” but in reality I know he does not like dogs, she did not know that about him and says he really did not care that her dog had died, it was just what he thought she’d want to hear. He knows this makes him sound like a horrible/shallow & manipulative person and at that time he really was – only thinking about himself, he regrets it to the core of his being now and never wants to be that person again. You should look at the 5 stages of grief about your relationship – no matter what that relationship was with this guy - it is gone it will never be the same. I know our relationship has changed - the way I feel about my husband has changed, it used to be unconditional love it is now very much conditional love with lots of boundaries ( and as ive said if he had not worked so hard on forgiveness I would have been off) Give him and his girlfriend a chance and stay away he will either trip himself up again or realise he was not a nice boyfriend and change. My husband also said that he was glad when the texting/chat stopped as it had all got a bit boring and dull - it had become more about the weather, tea etc not subjects that allowed him to “show off” as he had at the beginning of the chats. My husband did not know how to make it stop, basically he was a coward. Perhaps your “guy” was the same - just let you meet his friends knowing it might come out because he did not know how to get himself out of the situation or tell you about how his relationship with his girlfriend which is moving forward (regardless of you) You don’t know what he has been saying about you behind your back to his friends he could have told the people he was with the night you found out that you were some girl from the office who had a crush on him and he was not man enough to tell you – so could they drop his girlfriend and house move into the conversation - he must have known before you all met up – that they would mention his girlfriend and new house (perhaps he was using this situation as a way of getting out of the situation with you) Husband also says what “Notverygrownup “ yesterday at 10.25 says was good. But he suggests do not talk to him directly on the course or on your own he will probably try to “reel” you in again. Stay strong and stay away from him for your own mental health – you and his girlfriend are both his victims and deserve better. Just think if she found out now and you could not keep the moral high ground if you text/continue the friendship now you know he has a girlfriend – then she would rightly just see you as the OW perusing an unavailable man/her man . Take care of yourself & don't let this horrible experience change you, you seem lovely & expect other people to treat you the way you treat them, unfortunately not everyone is as lovely as you - its a lesson OP albeit a hard one but stay kind & be kind - Please ask anything else and hubby will try and give you an answer.

Yes this definitely does make sense, thank you! I have been debating whether to block him on social media. He asked to follow me on Instagram a few months ago and he always watches my stories for some reason. I'm not sure whether to block him so he no longer has access to my personal life or whether that would make me look too angry at him when I'm trying to go for calm indifference.

I’m by no means an Instagram expert but I believe there’s a way you can hide your stories from him without blocking/unfollowing. So he’d still see your profile but wouldn’t know if you were posting stories or not. Could be a middle ground step until you’ve done the course and then go for the full block! And I think you can hide his stories/posts from appearing so you don’t get tempted to see what he’s up to.

Hopefully someone who knows how to do this can help!

*My husband suggests that he would have been attracted to the “idea” of you(

That must be whybhw was asking her for photos of her in new clothes.

Also the scenario is quite different becagse he purposefully, intentionally, hid the existence of his partner from op.

So op thought he was single, whereas you're saying the woman your h used knew he had a partner etc.

In any case they're both users, snakes etc.

Likewise your h said he kept contacting her because she "had no life" (lovely) and he knew she'd keep responding ... op is a young, I'd imagine attractive graduate who, within days of finding out he actually has a partner, has a date lined up, and sounds like she had plenty of friends and acquaintances. She only prioritised him because she thought he was single (because he portrayed himself as single) and because she thought he was holding off on dating property because of his position in work, managing her.

(He also took advantage of being her line manager to escalate contact & support to very regular messaging etc. Presumably/hopefully your h didn't take advantage of a junior work colleague/someone he managed too)

Quite a different situation.

Might I also say that i'd take things like "never attracted, never had feelings" etc. with a little pinch of salt, from someone who thought they might be dumped for their EA. They're quite motivated to down-play things, for self preservation.
Dowdy, saddo with no life who I didn't see as a real person; is a good sell to very angry, considering ending relationship missus. It also reflects how nasty the person thinking it and saying it is.

But he changed overnight apparently, so it's OK.

OP, I'm sorry you have been strung along. You deserve so much better and are not responsible for his actions.

@Freeme31 does your OH agree that he had an EA?

Op, back to your situation; he probably was attracted to you, I don't think someone does two years of lying by omission about their relationship status alongside constant messaging with a woman he's not remotely attracted to.

But he was not single, not prepared to end his relationship and make himself single (even though his respect for her and their relationship is reflected keenly by him hiding her existence from young women he's managing in work) so he's just a type of cheater, as well as deeply unprofessional.

I don't think you're going to win calling him out and you want to consider very carefully indeed what anything you say to him, esp in any recorded format, could be twisted into or seen uncharitable, if this ever reaches HR orceven office gossip.

He's a pathetic creature who's incapable of being satisfied by his relationship, has emotional affairs with women he's lying to about his relationship status; yet he won't finish the relationship. He is probably a narcissist. He certainly lacks integrity.

Be glad he's not single, given his charactefcand behaviour. He'll probably do this ongoing with whimevef he can get to do it with him, even while he marries and had kids with his unknowing partner.

I have been debating whether to block him on social media. He asked to follow me on Instagram a few months ago and he always watches my stories for some reason. I'm not sure whether to block him so he no longer has access to my personal life or whether that would make me look too angry at him when I'm trying to go for calm indifference.

In the spirit of indifference, I wouldn't block (at this time).

Blocking indicates offense, anger etc. Not blocking or doing anything indicates indifference.

You can bump himself later when he has receded to (wanker) work acquaintance in your head and this whole thing is distant history.

I agree with Tamworth. I would also avoid blocking. Just give him polite indifference and be grateful you're not the poor girlfriend who's bought a house and is currently financially bound to this tosspot.

He asked to follow me on Instagram a few months ago and he always watches my stories for some reason

Actually a few social pics with guys you're on dates with or friends with could (further) get him to back off and not try to reel you back in, without you having to say anything.

(Because if you were to get reeled back in by him, I think you'll be getting cheater's script from him, and he could waste more of your time and emotion, and potentially fk up your career etc.).

I suspect his interest in following you on Instagram will fade, along with the messaging. I suspect one fuelled the other and the chase is now over. Just keep it polite, professional, let it go and move on. Bit like a amicable ghosting.

You can set up a ‘close friends’ list on Instagram and publish your stories only to them.

Yes I will set it up so that he doesn't see my Instagram stories anymore.

I went on the date last night! It was nice and felt good to be distracted by someone else other than him. It went quite well I think.

I'm back today to really missing colleague. I question whether ghosting him was the right thing to do or whether I should have been polite and replied to his messages so we could still chat every now and then as friends. It's hard knowing that I may never speak to him again and I miss him a lot.

I've never cut anyone off like this before and I feel guilty. I know if someone just cut me off with no explanation then I'd be really hurt. God this is so hard but I'm going to keep moving forward.

I think it's natural you're missing him today, after your date. There'll be that contrast between the date man you've only spent a few hours with and so barely know, and the cosy familiarity of the colleague you (thought you) knew really well.

The thing to remember is you didn't know your colleage well, because he was lying to you.

You say you would feel bad if someone just cut you off, but presumably you wouldn't lie for two years about your relationship status to lead someone on. You and he are not the same. You respected him in a way that he never respected you.

It's also interesting that beyond the two initial messages he's made no effort to contact you. He shouldn't be doing so, of course, but if he at this point wanted to salvage a friendship from the disceitful mess he's made, he might be trying to start up the messages on platonic friendly terms. But no. He knows why you've blanked him, knows you've seen him for who he is, and so the game is over for him. He doesn't want to be your friend. He wanted to play games with you, flirt with you, and have the ego boost that came with that. Now he isn't going to get it anymore, he isn't interested in a friendship.

That might sound harsh, but it says nothing about your worth, and everything about his lack of it. You're a much nicer person than he is. Find someone who deserves you, not a dishonest flirtation that exists solely to boost his ego.

I know if someone just cut me off with no explanation then I'd be really hurt.

I’d be hurt if someone cut me off for no explanation and no apparent reason….but if I’d clearly fucked up and lied then I’d fully expect to be cut off with no explanation. He knows what he’s done and you owe him no explanation for your response.