Colleague emotional affair - just found out that I'm the 'other woman'

[Tripizie]

I just posted this in 'chat' but I think that's the wrong section so moving it to here.

Its hard to know where to start with this. I'm new to the site and really just need to vent and get it all out and I highly doubt he'll be reading Mumsnet, so hopefully I can do so anonymously.

3 years ago, I finished university and started a grad job as a big firm. I was 21, stressed, anxious and felt incredibly out of my depth.

My manager at the time was a 27 year old man who I quickly came to rely on. He was charismatic, charming and extremely supportive. Over the time that we worked together we got closer and he would message me all day everyday on Teams about banal topics. He would ring me and we'd spend all day chatting about life and our upbringing. He asked about me and made me feel special and I loved talking to him everyday.

He then over time started texting me every evening and all day at the weekend about topics nothing to do with work. It would be photos of th lunch he was eating, or the show he was watching, or the park he was at. But it was constant.

This has been going on for 2 years and we still talk all day every day. I really fell deeply for him and thought that he just like me too, to the extent that I turned down other men who've approached me because none matched up to him.

Anyway, cut to last night. He asked me for a drink with him and some of his friends. I went and his friends started asking about his girlfriend. They've been together for over 2 years and are about to buy a house together.

He has outright lied to me this whole time about her. He told me he spent Christmas alone but he was actually with her. He said he went on holiday with 'a friend' but it was with her. He told me he was buying a house for 'me and my cat' - aka no mention of the girlfriend.

I was and still am devestated. I'm angry I've wasted all this time on him and that he's lied to me. I feel awful for his poor girlfriend. I'm still trying to cut off my feelings for him and I've been ingnoring his messages this morning, but we still work together so it will be tricky.

Anyway I'm not sure what I wanted to get out of this but thank you for reading this far. I just needed to get it off my chest.

OP. As someone up thread has already suggested, get screenshots/photos of conversations between you on SKYPE & WhatsApp, just in case of problems at work .

I've gone through and taken some photos but is there any type of message in particular I should make sure to capture? Is the potential risk that he may claim I'm harassing him or obsessed with him?

Just a quick update if there's anyone that is still interested! I still haven't replied to his messages and he hasnt messaged since the last one a couple of days ago. I'm not sure if he'll continue to reach out or ever even ask me what's wrong, I think he might be too keen to avoid embarrassment and may now just fade away.

I was looking through the WhatsApp photos from him over the last couple of years and now see that he sent me photos of presents that she gave him (from the company which her instagram says she works for). when I asked who they were from at the time, he deflected by claiming it was from one of his many fans. The sheer audacity of that to me is mind-blowing.

I think you've got the right idea OP. So yes he could claim you've been harassing him, or obsessed with him. But also, I'm not sure what influence he has over you at work now - but if he starts "punishing" you for rejecting him, by making work difficult for you, you need proof of what he's been doing if it ever gets to the point that you need to make a complaint against him.
Hopefully it will never get to that, but you might as well protect yourself in case.

@Tripizie

Just a quick update if there's anyone that is still interested! I still haven't replied to his messages and he hasnt messaged since the last one a couple of days ago. I'm not sure if he'll continue to reach out or ever even ask me what's wrong, I think he might be too keen to avoid embarrassment and may now just fade away.

I was looking through the WhatsApp photos from him over the last couple of years and now see that he sent me photos of presents that she gave him (from the company which her instagram says she works for). when I asked who they were from at the time, he deflected by claiming it was from one of his many fans. The sheer audacity of that to me is mind-blowing.

I guess it's difficult to separate the truth, although it's nice to get updates, too many threads seem to be active, then after a few days it's zzzzzz on the thread and usually no updates.

I think he might be too keen to avoid embarrassment and may now just fade away.

I think you're right, he's obviously a coward so this is probably the best result.

Any messages that comment on your physical appearance, appear to have a sexual undertone or link your 'friendship' to doing special favours for him at work would be the sort you want to copy.

Not sure that I would screenshot the last one you mentioned as looking up his girlfriend's Insta profile online probably starts to wander into the territory of prying into his private life a bit much and you might want to avoid doing that from now on.

But it certainly gives you a clear read on what he's all about, so I hope your mind is at ease now.

This totally resonates with me OP to the point that I think I know him!! Or someone exactly like him. The guy up thread who said he wants the thrill of messaging you and still keeping his main relationship was spot on.

It's very insidious actually because he can plausibly deny (you will obviously be crazy and/or have an unrequited crush) and he gets to keep you on the hook for as long as possible. He didn't tell you about his relationship and made you think there was something there but without actually saying anything that could come back on him.

I have been in this position and it cost me my job (because I couldn't deal with it and it escalated a bit further than where you are) so if I was to give any advice it would be cut ties all of them except work business and don't worry about his feelings. Who cares if he is bothered you need to protect yourself by gaining some distance and perspective.

Imagine now what's the best that could happen? Even if you did get together you would never trust him as you know deep down he is not trustworthy. That tingly feeling inside that make you doubt is something you should listening too. You sounds like you have your head screwed so keep on doing what you need to do so he becomes a passing acquaintance you used to know. (As you never really knew the real him at all)

Best wishes

*screwed on

I'd be blocking him.

so sorry OP I hate men like this- the outward 'good guy' but gaslighting sneaky twats

Why the hell do they do it?
Women don't do this - we have to go out of our way to not 'lead them on' yet these men know that if they called out they will deny/ make us look crazy

The weird bit to me in all this is why he invited you out with friends who he knew full well could potentially ask about his gf. That's the only part of all this that makes me think perhaps he really did just see you as a friend, albeit he enjoyed flirting and was happy to "not mention" gf because he got a buzz from knowing you had feelings for him...but in his eyes perhaps it was never more than friends. Still doesn't really make the behaviour transparent or OK.

You do have the option you know to be direct with him. Tell him "I need space. Rightly or wrongly, I thought perhaps we were becoming more than friends and the fact you never told me you had a girlfriend encouraged that. Perhaps I misread the signs, but I do feel that you have directly hidden your girlfriend from me and also been more flirtatious than is usual for somebody in a longterm relationship. I do really value your friendship and miss talking to you but need time to get my head around this and need to be absolutely clear that I will not be anybody's ego boost or distraction from their relationship so if you want me in your life now it has to be on a purely friendly basis".

@HelpMeHiveMind

The weird bit to me in all this is why he invited you out with friends who he knew full well could potentially ask about his gf. That's the only part of all this that makes me think perhaps he really did just see you as a friend, albeit he enjoyed flirting and was happy to "not mention" gf because he got a buzz from knowing you had feelings for him...but in his eyes perhaps it was never more than friends. Still doesn't really make the behaviour transparent or OK.

You do have the option you know to be direct with him. Tell him "I need space. Rightly or wrongly, I thought perhaps we were becoming more than friends and the fact you never told me you had a girlfriend encouraged that. Perhaps I misread the signs, but I do feel that you have directly hidden your girlfriend from me and also been more flirtatious than is usual for somebody in a longterm relationship. I do really value your friendship and miss talking to you but need time to get my head around this and need to be absolutely clear that I will not be anybody's ego boost or distraction from their relationship so if you want me in your life now it has to be on a purely friendly basis".

Yes it would definitely need to be as just friends, but I'm not sure whether that would be the best idea. I don't know, I've not spoken to him since finding out and he hasn't messaged me for a few days.

To be honest, I really miss him. A lot. I have lots of friends and I've been distracting myself by going out every evening to do fun things with them, but I do feel really sad that I've lost what was a good friend. I keep thinking that if I'd had stronger boundaries in my mind and never allowed myself to fall for him, we could have remained still friends.

I don't know, I'm a bit down about it all today really but I'll keep going out and seeing friends to distract myself.

You're doing great, OP. It is very difficult and painful and it's easy to second-guess yourself.

Better boundaries wouldn't have saved your friendship--better boundaries would have meant that he never would have strung you along inappropriately in the first place. That was his decision, not yours.

Keep avoiding contact and remember what a loser he is!

Ah.
I keep thinking that if I'd had stronger boundaries in my mind and never allowed myself to fall for him, we could have remained still friends.

Trip, next time this insidious little self-blaming thought pops into your head, remember to reframe it. Not with mind tricks - with FACTS:

If HE had had stronger boundaries (around his relationship with his partner, his professional responsibility to his report/mentee, his decency toward someone he purported to be a friend to) ... you never would have fallen for him, & could have been friends.

Unfortunately, he held no such boundaries.
He chose to be emotionally predatory but oh-so-plausibly-deniable instead.

So ... you still sure that this is the behaviour of a man worthy of your friendship?
Or are you coming round to the notion that actually - YOU were not responsible for his boundaries. He TRICKED you, ffs!
And it's a GOOD thing that you know this now.
Otherwise, you'd have accidentally been a friend to a man who gets his kicks from manipulating women like this.

He has shown you (well, he didn't even do that - his friends did, at the Unfortunate Dinner) who he is.
It is high time to stop beating yourself up for his behaviour.
You didn't coldly & deliberately make this mess happen. He did.

Lecture over!
Have fun with your real friends this weekend :)

Op listen to @ChargingBuck she's talking a lot of sense.

Of course your said your grieving the loss of a relationship. I grieved for my ex DH and he was a right 🔔 end that caused me no end of tears.

It will pass. I promise you it will pass. Keep busy, keep strong and keep distracted. The empty feeling will pass.

Soon OP you will meet someone lovely who would never dream of treating you like this.
You have room for him now. Grieve who you thought this guy was, be kind to yourself but give it a time limit and get out there!

Op soon he will be a distant memory and you’ll wonder what any of it was even about. Don’t be friends with him, he’s very deceiving and that will be something that comes through in other parts of him too and in a friendship. Been there. You are lucky to get out at this point believe me. He’s probably very selfish when you get to know the maskless version.

@ChargingBuck

Ah. I keep thinking that if I'd had stronger boundaries in my mind and never allowed myself to fall for him, we could have remained still friends.

Trip, next time this insidious little self-blaming thought pops into your head, remember to reframe it. Not with mind tricks - with FACTS:

If HE had had stronger boundaries (around his relationship with his partner, his professional responsibility to his report/mentee, his decency toward someone he purported to be a friend to) ... you never would have fallen for him, & could have been friends.

Unfortunately, he held no such boundaries.
He chose to be emotionally predatory but oh-so-plausibly-deniable instead.

So ... you still sure that this is the behaviour of a man worthy of your friendship?
Or are you coming round to the notion that actually - YOU were not responsible for his boundaries. He TRICKED you, ffs!
And it's a GOOD thing that you know this now.
Otherwise, you'd have accidentally been a friend to a man who gets his kicks from manipulating women like this.

He has shown you (well, he didn't even do that - his friends did, at the Unfortunate Dinner) who he is.
It is high time to stop beating yourself up for his behaviour.
You didn't coldly & deliberately make this mess happen. He did.

Lecture over!
Have fun with your real friends this weekend :)

He is no friend. He preyed upon you for the thrill. Make sure you take pictures in case you need them for HR

You're doing so well, OP. When you are feeling stronger it might help to consider why what he offered was so appealing to you. Have you had a relationship as an adult?

he'd told me he had very few friends

No fkg wonder when he concentrates so much time and energy on schmoozing younger female colleagues he's managing an essentially having emotional affairs (which the younger colleague doesn't know is an EA) instead of investing in actual, real friendships with other people.

Also friends who become aware of his behaviour would probably drop him or at least withdraw because they see he's a bit of a shit in general (and also maybe the guys wouldn't trust him around their partners). He's both unfaithful (even if not physical) and unprofessional.

So, not someone who prioritises real friendships (validation from the opposite sex is much more important) nor someone who others (who have any sense) would trust or esteem.

If he was your friend, he'd have told you about his true relationship status, told you who he was actually with at the events/times he sent you pics of, not been flirty, not asked for photos of you in new clothing etc etc.

He was never a friend.

And all his behaviour was a million times worse because he was your fkg boss, managing you, older than you in a position of authority, trust etc over you. He should actually be sacked. However, it is probably best not to even start down that route. Keep all the comms though; maks sure you have copies of them esp the "send me pic of you wearing new top" ones.

I keep thinking that if I'd had stronger boundaries in my mind and never allowed myself to fall for him, we could have remained still friends.

You fell for him largely because you thought he was single, available etc. He lied quite deliberately, repeatedly about that, making you tninkmhe was single. That is not your fault.
He contacted you very regularly and repeatedly, he established a high level of contact .. whi b would lead many many yo think that person was interested, keen, had feelings etc. His lack of escalation to dating you attributed to him wanting to be clear of any role managing you or in the same company (since eyebrows still might be raised even if he was no longer your line manager).and, while some other posters have ignored or dismissed that; I find it reasonable enough. Again, not your fault.
In fact the social.event at which the others clued you into his relationship status, could possibly have been seen as a date, if you hadn't found out. It doesnt sound like he intended you to find out.

You were engaged emotionally because he engaged you emotionally. He wanted to pretend his gf doesbt exist, and he wanted lots of attention, bonding and validation with/from you. I really don't think you need to take on responsibility and blame yourself for the loss of this false friendship. It could have Bern a friendship in different circumstances if he weren't the way he is; but with him it was never a real friendship.

@crochetmonkey74

Soon OP you will meet someone lovely who would never dream of treating you like this. You have room for him now. Grieve who you thought this guy was, be kind to yourself but give it a time limit and get out there!

Thank you everyone! Yes we still haven't spoken and I'm actually going on a date with someone else next week! It will be good to start focusing on men other than him I think.

I'm nervous as I found out today that I have an opportunity to go through a training course/exam to get a new qualification at work. This is a great opportunity career wise but it will involve working In a team with 3 others over the course of a 4 day course. I looked at the sign-up list and saw his name. I really don't know if I can face talking to him again and I'm not sure how to even act around him if we do this course/exam together.

Do the course / exam ! Fake it til you make it around him. Act cool. Concentrate on the course and progression in your career.
Have fun on the date !
The world is your oyster ❤

I was just thinking it might be best to just speak to him face to face at work. Get it out of the way. I'm not sure what you could say ( someone will come along with the wording), but again, just act cool. I'm saying this because if you are saddled with him on the course, you don't want any elephants in the room.