Colleague emotional affair - just found out that I'm the 'other woman'

[Tripizie]

I just posted this in 'chat' but I think that's the wrong section so moving it to here.

Its hard to know where to start with this. I'm new to the site and really just need to vent and get it all out and I highly doubt he'll be reading Mumsnet, so hopefully I can do so anonymously.

3 years ago, I finished university and started a grad job as a big firm. I was 21, stressed, anxious and felt incredibly out of my depth.

My manager at the time was a 27 year old man who I quickly came to rely on. He was charismatic, charming and extremely supportive. Over the time that we worked together we got closer and he would message me all day everyday on Teams about banal topics. He would ring me and we'd spend all day chatting about life and our upbringing. He asked about me and made me feel special and I loved talking to him everyday.

He then over time started texting me every evening and all day at the weekend about topics nothing to do with work. It would be photos of th lunch he was eating, or the show he was watching, or the park he was at. But it was constant.

This has been going on for 2 years and we still talk all day every day. I really fell deeply for him and thought that he just like me too, to the extent that I turned down other men who've approached me because none matched up to him.

Anyway, cut to last night. He asked me for a drink with him and some of his friends. I went and his friends started asking about his girlfriend. They've been together for over 2 years and are about to buy a house together.

He has outright lied to me this whole time about her. He told me he spent Christmas alone but he was actually with her. He said he went on holiday with 'a friend' but it was with her. He told me he was buying a house for 'me and my cat' - aka no mention of the girlfriend.

I was and still am devestated. I'm angry I've wasted all this time on him and that he's lied to me. I feel awful for his poor girlfriend. I'm still trying to cut off my feelings for him and I've been ingnoring his messages this morning, but we still work together so it will be tricky.

Anyway I'm not sure what I wanted to get out of this but thank you for reading this far. I just needed to get it off my chest.

OP. Look at it this way. It's only 4 days. Don't miss out on an important course because of him. Just be bright, brezzy and professional with him. Show him what a grown up behaves like

How utterly unprofessional of him to message you constantly about banal topics and to text you at weekend when he is your boss

Totally inappropriate

Keep it professional OP

You're young. You are starting out in your career. Try and focus on uour job and eventually you'll be promoted away from him

Be his friend but don't cross any lines.

He's just using you to flatter his own ego. Men do this

You can allow yourself to be sad OP. You have lost a good friend, but sadly this friend wasn't real.

He has played with you and that is not nice.

Good luck for the date!

Do the course/exam - it is a chance to move forward with your career. You have done nothing wrong or shameful. Just keep it polite and professional - smile and wave...

Chalk this whole experience up as part of your learning curve.

@Fernticket

OP. Look at it this way. It's only 4 days. Don't miss out on an important course because of him. Just be bright, brezzy and professional with him. Show him what a grown up behaves like

Trip, this man robbed you. He was so good at it that his manipulations caused you to essentially put your private life on hold for 2 years. To imagine you had a good friend. To take up time that you could have been using to nurture relationships & friends who actually give a shit about you.

Don't you dare allow him to rob you of your professional opportunities as well!

Do your course.
You will likely find that the hardest part is the moment when you clap eyes on him again, feel All The Awkward, & under pressure to not show emotion.

Bite that bullet.
Memorising a useful & cover-all phrase to deploy if he crowds you or tries to get personal or plays any fucking MINDgame AT ALL with you will help.
How's your cat?" - if you are feeling brave, would do nicely.
Any bluster, any comeback, & the follow up could be -
*Not sure what your agenda was in editing a partner out of your life. Like saying you were moving in to your new house just with your cat, or sending me personal pics of holidays without mentioning her. I'm not impressed by the disrespect to her, & you have gone down in my estimation."

Hope PP will be along with suggestions that might be quicker & easier to say.
The point is, you need a go-to phrase handy so you can avoid floundering under pressure.
All that matters is that it focuses on his behaviour not your feelings. This isn't about you feeling 'spurned' it is about him being 'inappropriate'.

Teach the lying fucker what professional standards look like, :)

Go on the course OP and if he dares to say anything like 'haven't heard from you for a while' I would be brave and say ' No, that's because you never made it clear to me that you had a girlfriend and you led me to think we were heading that way'

This will be so hard and you may need to practice but I really think women should call men out with the truth- it would be easy to say 'oh I have been busy' but this lets him off the hook as you both know full well what he has done- yet he knows women are socialised to be gaslighted by men.

You also need to be aware that his Girlfriend could contact HR if she finds out. You must cut all contact outside of working hours.

I don't think it is a matter for his girlfriend to contact HR. Only the OP if he hassles her. The one at fault is the cheating boyfriend. The girlfriend should deal with him with a swift kick and a dumping, nothing to do with HR.

This sounds so familiar to someone I once knew. Every team he worked in, he’d find a young, vulnerable female to befriend/mentor who’d then become emotionally attached and need him …the pattern became really obvious. It’s hard though as it looks and feels so much like a genuine friendship at the time. I don’t think any of them became physical affairs but it was still taking advantage of his more senior position.

Go on the course but be careful - his ego will hate that you’ve seen him for who he really is and he’ll go on a charm offensive to try and “win” you back. Keep your barriers up and be cool and professional. Don’t even think about opening that door to friendship again. He’s a narcissist that’s lied and taken advantage of you - and you deserve so much more than that.

You have made it clear to him now that you want only a professional relationship (by not engaging in the constant communications). If he starts again warn him that if he continues to invade your personal life you will take the matter to HR. If he still doesn't get it report him. He is abusing his position of power and is behaving very inappropriately. At the very least he should no longer be your line manager. You have done nothing wrong, he has. Enjoy the training course OP.

Do the course.

As ppl said he's deprived you (or you've deprived yourself because of him) of potential relationships because you thought he was single and interested/moving toward a full relationship with you if and when he moved company; don't let him deprived you of Carter opportunities abd development too!

He's been caught out, now you know what he's like, what he does, he'll probably move onto someone else sooner or later (alomgshde his unfortunate partner), you can be polite ..... that's all.

I wouldn't rausd this, talk about it, say anything about hs personal circumstances abandoned misrepresentionmof them; not a word. You're polite, friendly work colleagues.

*career, obviously

I don't think talking about it will do any good at all; he will just say something bullshit about being sorry you misunderstood, sorry you feel that way, sorry you got the wrong impression etc etc (it's all bullshit but....). He'll never adnit to eat he's been doing,(for both personal and professional reasons) he'll project it onto you.

If you push this/have a conversation about it, he'll lie, gas lighting, minimise and it may start him blackening your name in the company (she's got a crush on me she misinterpreted my friendliness and guidance as her mentor, she got the wringnidea, she's a little bit crazy, she was contacting me a lot etc etc). It's his only go to if you challenge him/make it an issue etc

You really don't want to get into it if you can avoid it.

Say nothing, pass yourself politely.

Others will have noted his behaviour, I'm sure.

And if he repeats this behaviour, he may find himself in work HR with another type of character. Tbh he's extremely lucky he hasn't ended up in there this time, but I still think it's best you do and say nothing unless it's absolutely unavoidable.

Just feel sorry for his partner. He has emotional affairs on her, he grooms, flirts with, and constantly messages junior female colleagues, he lies by omission about her existence & presence. If he doesn't outright cheat on her at sime point, I'd be amazed. (Not that what he does isn't a type of cheating).

Go on the course OP and if he dares to say anything like 'haven't heard from you for a while' I would be brave and say ' No, that's because you never made it clear to me that you had a girlfriend and you led me to think we were heading that way'

I honestly would not advise you to do this.

If he says anything just say you've been really busy.

If you don't want to get into the whole "I thought there was something between us", or "I was hoping something would happen between us" chat, you can always turn it round and just say:
"I was never expecting anything to actually happen between us as you're really not my type, but I did enjoy the harmless flirting to pass sometime. The reason I'm annoyed is how badly you've treated your gf by flirting with me while denying her existence. I feel really sorry for your gf and how you've treated her so I have not interest in a friendship with someone who treats people they seemingly care about so poorly"

Do the course and just be polite to him. Don't message him anymore. I know you miss him but realise that it isn't the real him you miss, it is a version of him that doesn't exist. Because in reality he's a player. He played games with you whilst being with a girlfriend. Yuck. Messaging him constantly is a habit and habits are hard to break but doable. Breaking a habit is hard at the beginning. Don't beat yourself up for having the urges but don't do it.

@Tamworth123

You really don't want to get into it if you can avoid it.

Say nothing, pass yourself politely.

Others will have noted his behaviour, I'm sure.

And if he repeats this behaviour, he may find himself in work HR with another type of character. Tbh he's extremely lucky he hasn't ended up in there this time, but I still think it's best you do and say nothing unless it's absolutely unavoidable.

Just feel sorry for his partner. He has emotional affairs on her, he grooms, flirts with, and constantly messages junior female colleagues, he lies by omission about her existence & presence. If he doesn't outright cheat on her at sime point, I'd be amazed. (Not that what he does isn't a type of cheating).

I do get where you are coming from here and I do know that people can't always be brave (myself included)

But note how this man has been the only one that has done wrong and yet she just has to hope that others note his behaviour - he might find himself in trouble with HR IF the next poor victim of him is brave to take it further

Also another woman (his partner) has to just put up with it and we feel quietly sorry for her

Men are helped to behave this badly by how we smooth the way for them to do so.

Thank you everyone. I am torn over the best way to go about responding when we do speak to each other on the course and I know there are a few different approaches that people are suggesting.

I think that if I called him out on his behaviour then he would just go down the route of denying anything and say he's 'sorry I read into it' or something equally dismissive. He also holds quite a lot of sway in the company and I am worried about him cutting me off from opportunities or no longer recommending that others work with me if I make things more awkward between us.

It is tricky. From a career perspective, I think it would be best to say I've been busy and not bring up the real reason, but on a personal note it does feel frustrating to not show any anger or hurt at how he's treated me for the past 2 years.

I guess this is why people are often warned off dating in the workplace!

"it's not appropriate respond to your personal messaging now I'm aware you're in a long-term relationship, so when your friends told me that you live with a girlfriend & not just a cat as you misrepresented, I put at end to what you should not have started.
The professional relationship can continue just as it was. This course is [adjective], isn't it! What did you think about the [module]?"

@ChargingBuck

"it's not appropriate respond to your personal messaging now I'm aware you're in a long-term relationship, so when your friends told me that you live with a girlfriend & not just a cat as you misrepresented, I put at end to what you should not have started. The professional relationship can continue just as it was. This course is [adjective], isn't it! What did you think about the [module]?"

Thats great!

Do NOT let this wank ruin you progressing professionally with this course. Be polite but non committal if you have to see him and don't engage in any personal messaging.

Just seen your update Trip.

OK - you also have the option to use something like the phrasing above in a FINAL personal message, ahead of encountering him on the course.

If you were to adjust the above to reflect "this is how I'm thinking, it is final & non-negotiable" it might head off a lot of crap - i.e. avoid the in-person awkwardness of 1) having to say it without stuttering, blushing etc & 2) his inevitable attempts to deflect, minimise, blame, embarrass or opportunity-block you in future.

It also, & most importantly, gives you a conclusive paper-trail, on record for you to deploy should he get arsey with or about you.

He cannot deny any of it, but you won't be needing to deal with it.
So if you want to send just something like

"Hi X, I haven't answered your recent [STATE EXACT NUMBER SINCE The Dinner] personal messages, because it's not appropriate respond now I've been made aware that you're in a long-term relationship.
When your friends told me that you live with a girlfriend & not just a cat - as you misrepresented - I was surprised, as on reflection, you must have gone to a good deal of effort to cut out any pics of or mentions of her when you sent e.g. all those 'solo' holiday snaps.
With the benefit of that new knowledge, I'm uncomfortable that a man in a committed relationship would spend so long sending personal messages about my clothing etc, so have put at end to what you should not have started.
Our professional relationship can remain the cordial as always, but I will no longer respond to any non-work related communication from you.
Regards, Trip"

THEN BLOCK HIM. IMMEDIATELY You do not need to see what he sends back (or wait around in agony if he is smart & chooses not to respond).
You will then have behaved unimpeachably as far as management & HR are concerned, & no matter how awkward it gets, your arse is covered.
It's likely that if you do this, the first face-to-face with him will be awkward AF but you can mitigate against that with bright, breezy professional greetings & chat.
If he tries pushing you off that course, all you need is "it's not up for discussion, let's focus on business."

If she does the above, i think he's going to shit himself that she might go to HR and he will start blackening her name/undermining her/painting her as various unflattering things etc etc. It will affect her rep, her career etc. She might even be at risk of him trying to get her out of the company.

While it is not "fair", I think it is best not to make an issue of this at all. Do the opposite; it is a non issue ... it does not need discussed. They hot into the habit of messaging thry can fade out of the habit of messaging... slowly back away (!). Be polite and friendly but take an eon to respond to any non work message and please busyness all the time, and gently hint at dating/a romantic interest that means lots of messaging is not feasible anymore.

Op is not in a position of power here.

She needs to make it a non and gently disengage.

It’s really tough - especially when you worry about his ability to influence future career opportunities. What’s your current manager like in making sure you have a development plan and helping you raise your profile in the business? Does your workplace have a mentoring scheme so you can get a mentor who isn’t your manager to help with wider career development in the company? Take away his control - build your own reputation and people won’t care what he has to say.

For a long time, I thought the guy I worked for was influential and well respected (as that’s the image he wanted to portray) but it turns out most other managers thought he was an arrogant bullshitter…could talk the talk but that was it and he now no longer works for the company.

If he is a narcissist, the thing that will hurt him the most is ignoring him as much as professionally possible. They love the attention of causing a drama and feeling important to someone….treat him with the disdain he deserves.

It might even be worth getting some counseling to work through your emotions and anger - you trusted him and he was a big part of your life. That doesn’t just go away but a counselor will help you work through everything that happened in a safe space.

Good luck!

.. because it's not appropriate...

Guess what's send alarm bells off in his head about his behaviour over-the-counter over-the-counter couple of yrs re HR,vand kick-off damage control and an antagonistic situation with op .... the word "inappropriate".

Sane with being "lectured" on hos behaviour towards his partner/in his relationship. While he is an absolute shot, having it piihted out is not going up cause him to say "you're correct, I'm I'm shit", it's just going to result in trouble for op.

Say nothing, be polite, if you answer messages take ages and be neutral.

If he sends messages saying "why are you taking so long to answer, what happened tk our friendship etc ... perfect, makes him look like he's pursuing you if you ever show them to HR.

You don't want to be saying or sending messages seemingly jndignabt angry, emotional, upgrading him, accusing him of dishonesty. Those could could twisted and make you look far too emotionally involved and invested.