Colleague emotional affair - just found out that I'm the 'other woman'

[Tripizie]

I just posted this in 'chat' but I think that's the wrong section so moving it to here.

Its hard to know where to start with this. I'm new to the site and really just need to vent and get it all out and I highly doubt he'll be reading Mumsnet, so hopefully I can do so anonymously.

3 years ago, I finished university and started a grad job as a big firm. I was 21, stressed, anxious and felt incredibly out of my depth.

My manager at the time was a 27 year old man who I quickly came to rely on. He was charismatic, charming and extremely supportive. Over the time that we worked together we got closer and he would message me all day everyday on Teams about banal topics. He would ring me and we'd spend all day chatting about life and our upbringing. He asked about me and made me feel special and I loved talking to him everyday.

He then over time started texting me every evening and all day at the weekend about topics nothing to do with work. It would be photos of th lunch he was eating, or the show he was watching, or the park he was at. But it was constant.

This has been going on for 2 years and we still talk all day every day. I really fell deeply for him and thought that he just like me too, to the extent that I turned down other men who've approached me because none matched up to him.

Anyway, cut to last night. He asked me for a drink with him and some of his friends. I went and his friends started asking about his girlfriend. They've been together for over 2 years and are about to buy a house together.

He has outright lied to me this whole time about her. He told me he spent Christmas alone but he was actually with her. He said he went on holiday with 'a friend' but it was with her. He told me he was buying a house for 'me and my cat' - aka no mention of the girlfriend.

I was and still am devestated. I'm angry I've wasted all this time on him and that he's lied to me. I feel awful for his poor girlfriend. I'm still trying to cut off my feelings for him and I've been ingnoring his messages this morning, but we still work together so it will be tricky.

Anyway I'm not sure what I wanted to get out of this but thank you for reading this far. I just needed to get it off my chest.

Sorry about all the typos.

Very fair points @Tamworth123

OP, you'll know which tactics are going to be least stressful & most effective for you.

Whatever you choose, getting over the first bump of face to face contact will be a bit nerve wracking, but as soon as that's done , things will feel a lot easier.

It is tricky. From a career perspective, I think it would be best to say I've been busy and not bring up the real reason, but on a personal note it does feel frustrating to not show any anger or hurt at how he's treated me for the past 2 years.

Use your head here, not your heart.

And you're right about workplace romances . Some ppl do have successful relationships started in the workplace but its also potentially a total shit show.

Unfortunately in this case the guy's a snake.

@Tamworth123

It is tricky. From a career perspective, I think it would be best to say I've been busy and not bring up the real reason, but on a personal note it does feel frustrating to not show any anger or hurt at how he's treated me for the past 2 years.

Use your head here, not your heart.

And you're right about workplace romances . Some ppl do have successful relationships started in the workplace but its also potentially a total shit show.

Unfortunately in this case the guy's a snake.

I would just ignore any contact from him and not give a reason. My worry would be he tries to paint you as a stalker whilst he would state "she knew I had a girlfriend" What an idiot he is!

@Tamworth123

Sorry about all the typos.

You're right what you said though.

I would agree with those saying don’t give him a reason, OP. He knows then reason surely.

I wouldn't give a reason OP. I'd be friendly with him but not all the personal messages anymore. If he outright asks just say your taking q break from social media and messaging for your MH. But ultimately play the long game... let him think he's playing you. Remain cordial. Let him use his 'sway' for you rather than against you. Climb the ladder until he's just a memory. That would be my game plan.

Yes, I think being detached and pretending like I've been busy and don't care may be the best way forward.

I keep wondering what he's thinking. Does he know for sure why I've cut him off? Does he think about me or miss talking to me? I wish I knew.

@Cactuslove

I wouldn't give a reason OP. I'd be friendly with him but not all the personal messages anymore. If he outright asks just say your taking q break from social media and messaging for your MH. But ultimately play the long game... let him think he's playing you. Remain cordial. Let him use his 'sway' for you rather than against you. Climb the ladder until he's just a memory. That would be my game plan.

👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻 this!

@Tripizie

Yes, I think being detached and pretending like I've been busy and don't care may be the best way forward.

I keep wondering what he's thinking. Does he know for sure why I've cut him off? Does he think about me or miss talking to me? I wish I knew.

He'll be missing the attention of course he will but by ignoring him you have the upper hand. He's a twat remember that.

I keep wondering what he's thinking. Does he know for sure why I've cut him off? Does he think about me or miss talking to me? I wish I knew.

That he's lost his narcissistic supply.

He won't have the self awareness or honesty to think of it that way though.

I'm sure he misses the attention, validation etc. Every msg is a little dopamine hit, right.

Perhaps he even fools himself it was a friendship.

It's not though, it's an emotional affair you didnt know was one. He's been acting poorly and inappropriately towards both you and his partner.

And the inappropriate towards you would have bedn bad enough evening he wasnt your manager, abusing his position of familiarity trust, authority etc.

Also I'm sure he's guessed why youve withdrawn, he's spent two years lying by omission about having a partner so he could establish and keep the romantic/sexual frisson in your interaction. He's bound to have had a doh/the gig's up moment when his mates exposed he had a partner he's home buying with. He wasn't lying about her/pretending she doesn't exist or 2 years for no reason.

He's going to totally style it out it though.

No doubt if you indulged his bullshit, youd get the cheaters script extraordinaire (not actually sure/happy/committed/feel obligated/ she'd go crazy if he ended it or backed out of moving in blah blah blah).

The script that all cheaters use to say "I'm not single, but you see - for these reasons ' I am sort of single, the relationship is not really valid".

taking q break from social media and messaging for your MH.

Taking care break from SM, certainly.

I wouldn't mention MH at all, in case shit ever does hit the fan about his inappropriate behaviour over the last two years. You don't want the slightest suggestion of mh issues to refer to if he tries to paint you as over invested, emotional, crushing on him, reading too much into his interaction with you etc. etc.

@Tripizie

I really don't know how he's hidden the messaging from his girlfriend. He sent me a photo of the view from his hotel room when he was on holiday, presumably immediately after waking up with her in his bed. He has sent me photos from times when I now think he was on dates with her - the food at the restaraunt, the opening credits of a films at the cinema etc. That's what confuses me, I don't know whether she never asked or if he told her he was just texting a friend?

It might sound hard to believe for some but this happened to me. Before I met lovely DP I had a brief dalliance with a man and our "relationship" started this way. He would message me all day every day, I think when they both work full time i think it's easy to not realise how much someone is messaging someone else.

OP you're not stupid or anything for being in this situation. Have you messaged him at all? Men don't message women day in day out while omitting the fact they have a partner, so he knows full well what was on your mind. Therefore I don't think you would be crossing boundaries to tell him straight that you feel you have misconstrued the situation, you thought that you were closer than you were and that there was relationship potential. And now that you feel you've been overly invested in that, you fee it is best to stop back a bit. Gosh I have not RTFT at all so very sorry if this is completely irrelevant at this point

He knows full well that he has been rumbled.
I wouldn't make up any cock & bull story about a break from SM... you've been glued to your phone for 2 years, it doesn't wash.
I would say something like, "I became aware you have another life. obviously constant messaging is not appropriate. What on earth must your gf think about you being on the phone constantly ?
Go & do the training course, why let this snake take away your possibility for advancement,
Fake it till you make it.

At the risk of being repetitive, I do not think calling this man out and criticising him is going to do op any favours in her workplace.

This is one battle op should avoid if possible.

Hes going to say its been "nothing" if it ever gets to HR or to the general office gossip; it should be nothing to op as well.

Oh and 2 yrs glurd to phone could equally be justification for a break from SM.

Therefore I don't think you would be crossing boundaries to tell him straight that you feel you have misconstrued the situation, you thought that you were closer than you were and that there was relationship potential. And now that you feel you've been overly invested in that, you fee it is best to stop back a bit.

This will be spun as "she had a crush on me, read too much into our communication, wanted a relationship with me .... I had to turn her down, she was angry and upset etc " by him if this ever comes out.

Say nothing.

@Tripizie

Yes, I think being detached and pretending like I've been busy and don't care may be the best way forward.

I keep wondering what he's thinking. Does he know for sure why I've cut him off? Does he think about me or miss talking to me? I wish I knew.

You do not owe him an explanation, and he will know exactly why you are not responding anymore. If he mentions it just say you do not think it is appropiate anymore - end of. The less you say on the matter the better. That way he cannot fling it back at you.

I understand the temptation to just call him out on his behaviour and tell him what you think but no good would come of it, especially if you have to work together.

I agree - keep it chilled, if he does ever corner you to ask why you have stopped replying to his messages.

You could say something like "Oh, I've started seeing someone recently, and I wouldn't be comfortable messaging another man, even a friend, very regularly. I'm a little surprised that your girlfriend didn't mind us messaging each other so much, but I think she's unusual. Not everyone likes that level of contact outside of a relationship. I'll see you around, of course." Breezy smile, turn back to work to get on professionally with what you are supposed to be doing.

Go for the course! This is your career, why should you go without. Keep it professional with him.

A 'hi how are you' in front of everyone will be fine, you can be friendly, polite and professional with him. It's only awkward for him remember.

If he corners you and tries to talk to you on your own just smile and say 'sorry need to get back to the group/meeting room' ignore any texts or emails that aren't strictly work related, if he tries to mix them together simply ignore any personal stuff

I hope your date goes well. You need someone else to occupy your mind. As soon as that happens, you will put this character down to a bad experience and lesson learned. The situation was not your fault in the slightest, but you need to move on deform it and act like you don't care. Mention your date off-hand, if he asks what you're doing 🙂

@Tamworth123

Also I'm sure he's guessed why youve withdrawn, he's spent two years lying by omission about having a partner so he could establish and keep the romantic/sexual frisson in your interaction. He's bound to have had a doh/the gig's up moment when his mates exposed he had a partner he's home buying with. He wasn't lying about her/pretending she doesn't exist or 2 years for no reason.

Yes I'm guessing he must have an idea. Although I'm a littl surprised that he hasn't messaged me to ask if everythings ok since I've ghosted him. I wonder if he's embarrassed and doesn't want to have a conversation where I call him out?

I still struggle with whether I've done the right thing. He was a great source of support during my first year of work and he kept me sane over lockdown and helped to advance my career. I feel pretty guilty and really miss the companionship and long, interesting conversations we had every day. Life definitely is more dull without him and not a day has gone by when I haven't thought of him.

But maybe it's natural to have this void in my life now, and maybe it will remain until I meet someone good for me who I can fill it with. I don't know if he's suffering as much as I am with the no contact. He's got a girlfriend who I'm sure he's busy with so maybe not.

Yes you have done the right thing because he was a fake, an avatar, a hologram, a cardboard cutout. And a tosser.

It’s not going to be easy and will take time - just remember that he’s not the person you thought he was.

I’m a great believer in people coming into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Closing the chapter on the friendship doesn’t mean that you didn’t get support or career advancement from him - he’s just someone who’s time and reason for being in your life has come to an end and your story moves on without him.