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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I really hate it when DH wants sex

133 replies

Greyvesttop · 22/01/2022 20:00

He communicates this by being very tactile and needy. He grabs me for cuddles / kisses all the time (we have very young children and it starts to feel like I’ve got another always wanting a kiss or cuddle.)

I just want to get it over with. I really don’t want to sleep with him but feel like I have to for some peace.

OP posts:
duvetdayforeveryone · 22/01/2022 20:03
  1. How many children do you have and how young are they?
  2. How much of the housework do you do and how much does your DH do?
Original poster
Greyvesttop · 22/01/2022 20:08

Erm reasonably even to be fair. In fact he probably does more cleaning but I do laundry and prob more childcare. Youngest only 1.

OP posts:
AnotherSillawithanS · 22/01/2022 20:11

When you told him how you feel, what did he say?

duvetdayforeveryone · 22/01/2022 20:13

How long have you felt like this for?

Original poster
Greyvesttop · 22/01/2022 20:18

Sorry another are you on the wrong thread? Smile

Felt like this since DS was born. I just don’t seem interested in sex at all. It feels like a chore!

OP posts:
Topbird29 · 22/01/2022 20:22

I felt touched out when ours were little - always someone wanting something, and sometimes just wanted to be left ALONE! Not dh fault. Now back to normal, - that was a while ago, but we did have a chat about it at the time so he knew where I was coming from.

grapewine · 22/01/2022 20:22

If I felt like this in my marriage I'd definitely talk to my husband. That's not a weird question to ask from PP.

Truthfully, though it doesn't bode well for staying together.

Janesmom · 22/01/2022 20:23

Can completely empathise with OP’s predicament. However, I think there needs to be some “give and take” on this and your DH isn’t unreasonable to expect intimacy in your relationship.

If sex is a dealbreaker for you, I think your DH would be well within his rights deciding the relationship is over.

morethanspice · 22/01/2022 20:24

It’s a difficult time and I was the same, just wanted space and sleep not being pawed at by a sex obsessed husband at inappropriate moments

eleanorplease · 22/01/2022 20:24

This was the start of The Ick for me.

JustBkind · 22/01/2022 20:25

I think it is perfectly normal to feel this way and I felt this way for about 10 years believe it or not!! You are a new mum, your hormones are all over the place, they will continue to be all over the place for a very long time and then perimenopause will hit and you will feel like there’s no end to this!! You are also exhausted and will continue to be over a number of years…having children is exhausting!! Your whole world and your priorities change!!! You are perfectly normal and I just how you have a loving and understanding husband to help you through this. Believe me, it gets better and you find “yourself” again and then you want to dress nice and look nice and want attention etc. I wish mothers would tell their children this! Best of luck to you, it’s a process but enjoy the time with your children because they grow up very quickly!! X

pinchylobster · 22/01/2022 20:25

Fair enough but you really need to speak up. He's not doing anything wrong here in initiating unless he's actually groping you in front of the kids

But I get how you feel, you need to talk. If you can have sex with a bloke, you can definitely have a chat together

Santahasjoinedww · 22/01/2022 20:26

Does your bedroom resemble a dumping ground of clothes /ironing /baby items /baby?
Ime hinting for sex when you are surrounded by dc +paraphernalia is a def turn off.

Original poster
Greyvesttop · 22/01/2022 20:28

I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong, I’m just feeling like i don’t want sex.

I haven’t said anybodys asked anything that’s unreasonable?

OP posts:
pinchylobster · 22/01/2022 20:31

@Greyvesttop

I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong, I’m just feeling like i don’t want sex.

I haven’t said anybodys asked anything that’s unreasonable?

Ok, just because you mentioned the children, indicating it makes you uncomfortable that they're around.

You need to talk, there's no other way to deal with it until your libido picks up, so there's your answer

shellyr1989 · 22/01/2022 20:31

i felt like this with an ex partner after i had my 2nd child. i avoided it at all costs it made me feel so uncomfortable when he initiated it.. we have since broke up for other reasons..i taught there was something wrong with me that i didnt want too.. fast forward 4 years and i have a new partner and everything has changed i know there is nothing wrong...i just wasnt interested because he wasnt the right man for me.. sometimes things just fizzle out...saying that give you and your partner the chance to get that spark back, try to spend time together..give yourselves a chance...

Original poster
Greyvesttop · 22/01/2022 20:34

It’s not that I’m uncomfortable as they are around it’s just it feels like another child wanting a cuddle / kiss.

Touched out is something I relate to.

OP posts:
Scbchl · 22/01/2022 20:34

Are you breastfeeding? How's the little one sleeping?

I defo struggled when mine were little too, I was tired and just wanted to sleep. Also when I was breastfeeding I hated him even touching me. I think its natures way of making sure you don't create another baby when still nursing the one you have.

Also hated it when my husband totally hinted about sex or groped me non stop. Its so needy its was a total turn off. Z

Once I spoke to him he did stop and my sex drive did come back eventually.

Original poster
Greyvesttop · 22/01/2022 20:39

Funnily enough has just this week started to sleep through, I hope he doesn’t hear me and wake up! Grin

Not breastfeeding but yeah I used to hate DH making ‘sexy’ comments then.

OP posts:
TheBlueBear88 · 22/01/2022 20:40

OP do you mind me asking do you still have a libido? Or is just the thought of intimacy with your DH that's off-putting?

housemaus · 22/01/2022 20:40

@Janesmom

Can completely empathise with OP’s predicament. However, I think there needs to be some “give and take” on this and your DH isn’t unreasonable to expect intimacy in your relationship.

If sex is a dealbreaker for you, I think your DH would be well within his rights deciding the relationship is over.

This.

YANBU to not want sex, but YABU not to be having proper communication with your DH about it at the very least. And thinking about why - is it tiredness, have you lost attraction to him, is it being touched out from kids, do you think it could be a hormone thing and have you spoken to the doctor, do you want to fix it?

There's a whole world of difference between "I'm no longer attracted to DH and I have no interest in changing that" and "I'm just tired and still in the small kids haze but I'm willing to work on improving non-sexual intimacy so that our relationship still feels fulfilling for both of us and we'll keep an open dialogue about improving our sex life".

Your DH deserves that conversation (and for your own sake, you do too - this isn't sustainable long term, so unless you want your relationship to suffer due to lack of communication or the lack of sex, you need to be able to talk about it).

AnotherSillawithanS · 22/01/2022 20:44

I'm not on the wrong thread.

Might be crazy but have you actually talked to him, told him how you feel?

PerkyBlinder · 22/01/2022 20:46

I completely empathise. I remember feeling stressed once when our poor cat jumped on my lap when my daughter was going through a screaming every minute of the day unless she was attached to my boob phase.

I realised I'm actually quite introverted and need alone time to recharge and yet never got it when the children were tiny. I love being a mum and I love how tactile they are but those first few years are hard. Don't be too hard on yourself and it does pass - not sure how you tell your husband without him feeling rejected. Maybe he can give you some more child free breaks which might help?

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 22/01/2022 20:47

@duvetdayforeveryone

1. How many children do you have and how young are they?
  1. How much of the housework do you do and how much does your DH do?
Are you saying women pay men for housework in sex ?
Original poster
Greyvesttop · 22/01/2022 20:48

Another don’t be sarcastic please … you did ask what he said ‘when’ I spoke to him about it when there was nothing in my OP about this.

I have no libido generally … it’s not DH personally.

OP posts:
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