I really hate it when DH wants sex

[Greyvesttop]

He communicates this by being very tactile and needy. He grabs me for cuddles / kisses all the time (we have very young children and it starts to feel like I’ve got another always wanting a kiss or cuddle.)

I just want to get it over with. I really don’t want to sleep with him but feel like I have to for some peace.

I can tell by 9am on a Saturday morning if OH wants sex that evening.

Oh god this made me shiver!

OP, you say you have sex even though you don’t really want to. I know this sounds terrible and I don’t mean it to but do you find that that helps at all? I have two tiny children and have been pregnant and/or breastfeeding for three years straight, and my sex drive is a bit battered through knackeredness, hormones, being touched out and a bit of insecurity about my post-babies appearance. Nothing to do with my husband himself who pulls his weight and then some, is lovely to all of us and looks the same as he always has, maybe better (annoying but whatever). I have to make a conscious effort to remind myself that the only thing that helps me maintain an interest in sex - which I do want to maintain for our marriage even though my instinct is to let it drop off completely and sleep - is to have sex. It’s not like it used to be, we do literally have to schedule it in in advance (not in the unpleasant-sounding way quoted above) and plan not to be too exhausted that night, but the hormones do their job and make me feel close to my husband and more likely to want to have sex again a few days/week or so later. If we go for a long time without, my interest disappears entirely, it’s like a car battery - and then I do start feeling that repulsion when he touches me which is unfair, unhealthy for our marriage and not reflective of how I actually feel about him. I know it’s not remotely romantic to have sex you’re not wildly enthusiastic about beforehand as a way of running a maintenance cycle on your marriage/sex life, but I’m more than happy to see it that way just while we’re knee deep in young kids and lack of sleep. Obviously, this would only ever apply in the situation I’m in where there are no actual marital issues, he pulls his weight etc. Also it goes without saying that there has to be enthusiastic consent all round in the actual moment.

@Greyvesttop

OK but to turn that on it’s head is it really so unheard of for a parent of a very young child who also works in a demanding job to be tired and just want a bit of personal space?

Second DC goes down for a nap DH is THERE wanting cuddles and attention.

Maybe I’m the worst wife ever, I don’t know, but I just want a bit of time to myself.

It's definitely perfectly normal how you're feeling. Your hormones won't go back to relatively normal til your youngest child is about 3 I think. It's just completely completely normal to feel how you do. Don't listen to those that say it's the beginning of the end of your relationship. Insensitive comments to make.

You will get your libido back but it might take a few years. You need normal regular cycles for a start and all those pregnancy/breastfeeding hormones to wane.

But let's not frame it as a "men want this, women want that" thing - I think most women would feel hurt, unattractive and rejected if their husbands suddenly went off sex with no explanation. Indeed we see just as many threads about that on here. (Invariably the response is "LTB if he doesn't give you what you need", which is certainly different to the responses here.)

Don't be ridiculous, Gannett. It's eye-waveringly obvious why sex isn't important to her and why she doesn't want it at the moment. Why is your opinion of men so low that you assume they can't see or understand that a woman who's fairly recently had a child and is exhausted, hormonal and just longing for some time alone, untouched and free from expectation? Why do so many women here seem to think that the price of marriage is sex when their husbands want it, whether they want it or not? It's a positively medieval outlook.

Pulvia but he doesn't know this. It's obvious to us as OP has told us and many have experienced the same feelings. Her DH hasn't. He doesn't know how she's feeling.

DH told me that after I had DS he saw me differently. He said that he was in awe of me and was way more affectionate as he wanted to know that he still saw me as a beautiful woman.

@JustBkind

I think it is perfectly normal to feel this way and I felt this way for about 10 years believe it or not!! You are a new mum, your hormones are all over the place, they will continue to be all over the place for a very long time and then perimenopause will hit and you will feel like there’s no end to this!! You are also exhausted and will continue to be over a number of years…having children is exhausting!! Your whole world and your priorities change!!! You are perfectly normal and I just how you have a loving and understanding husband to help you through this. Believe me, it gets better and you find “yourself” again and then you want to dress nice and look nice and want attention etc. I wish mothers would tell their children this! Best of luck to you, it’s a process but enjoy the time with your children because they grow up very quickly!! X

I really needed to hear this! I am 9 years in! 🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼

Communication is absolutely the key here. I've been with my partner for a very long time, we were sexless for four years at my request. We have discussed boundaries to the point that he knows that to make a come on in bed (I'm tired piss off), touching me anywhere below my chest without obvious consent is also a no, etc. For a long time it was left to me to instigate any sexual contact which meant I would be choosing the best time for me without feeling pressured. That responsibility meant really thinking about his needs and mine and meant I would reach out when capable. He never once said "oh colour, it's been a week when are we going to do it" because he knew that I would reach out when I could.

I do wonder if there are bigger communication issues in your relationship (as there so often are) and that he doesn't treat you with the respect you deserve. Sex is a very vunerable time and If we don't feel like we are safe (and having unwanted sex isn't safe) then you grow an aversion to the person who is doing that to you especially if they feel entitled to your body but care perhaps less so for your mind.

Our children are grown and left the nest many years ago, as I now approach my 60 years. In my long experience what @MiddleParking said earlier is absolutely spot on.

@Pluvia

But let's not frame it as a "men want this, women want that" thing - I think most women would feel hurt, unattractive and rejected if their husbands suddenly went off sex with no explanation. Indeed we see just as many threads about that on here. (Invariably the response is "LTB if he doesn't give you what you need", which is certainly different to the responses here.)

Don't be ridiculous, Gannett. It's eye-waveringly obvious why sex isn't important to her and why she doesn't want it at the moment. Why is your opinion of men so low that you assume they can't see or understand that a woman who's fairly recently had a child and is exhausted, hormonal and just longing for some time alone, untouched and free from expectation? Why do so many women here seem to think that the price of marriage is sex when their husbands want it, whether they want it or not? It's a positively medieval outlook.

I don't expect anyone to know or understand anything telepathically.

If a woman has communicated all the above in so many words, I absolutely expect her partner to be understanding.

If she's just rolling away from him every night and saying she's not in the mood without talking about why, I'd expect him to feel rejected and hurt. Just like you or I would if our partners did that to us.

The price of a marriage isn't sex if you don't want it, but it IS honest communication about the ebbs and flows of your libido. Sex is fundamental to most marriages and if either party wants to take it off the table temporarily or permanently, they can do so - but they owe their partner a conversation about it.

And that's why I suggested she talk to him about it, but from the perspective of what she wants and needs and not from a how-to-please-him angle. I think you're being really patronising and infantilising towards men.

You don't have to be telepathic to understand how a partner who hasn't had a single full night's sleep for a year might feel: or how you breast-feeding wife, whose every waking hour involves holding, changing, comforting and caring for children might feel. You only need a tiny amount of empathy and imagination to get that. I've given exampled of things men might say and do to make their wives feel supported at such a time.

Why are we setting the bar so low for men? When many of us feel we give up ourselves both physically and metaphorically for our children in those early years, why do we cheer when they take on a bit more housework or do a load of washing? There are far, far too many women posting on MN about relationships and issues where the bottom line is that their partners are virtually absent from the whole child-having, child-rearing, childcare situation and assume life can just go on for them — including sex — as it did before.

Why are you assuming OP hasn't had a single fulls nights sleep in a year?

Also, if the mother isn't getting a full night's sleep why are you assuming that the father isn't either?

I think with a one-year-old LO, your feelings are fairly normal @Greyvesttop , especially with all the other stuff you do.

Second DC goes down for a nap DH is THERE wanting cuddles and attention.

This does sound like he's wordlessly being a pest. Though the 'kisses and cuddles' could be framed as affectionate, you know that in your relationship, actually it's about him trying to get sex.

The kindest thing you can do is leave him take the children and support them yourself as you obviously don't love them. Presumably he was a live turkey baster to enable you to both children.
Of course you could see if your suffering from depression or some post birth trauma and get some help for that and fight for your relationship assuming it's worth fighting for

@Marzipanmike

The kindest thing you can do is leave him take the children and support them yourself as you obviously don't love them. Presumably he was a live turkey baster to enable you to both children. Of course you could see if your suffering from depression or some post birth trauma and get some help for that and fight for your relationship assuming it's worth fighting for

Nomination for the stupidest, least helpful comment on this thread

@Marzipanmike

The kindest thing you can do is leave him take the children and support them yourself as you obviously don't love them. Presumably he was a live turkey baster to enable you to both children. Of course you could see if your suffering from depression or some post birth trauma and get some help for that and fight for your relationship assuming it's worth fighting for

I’m going to have to do an advanced search on you to see if you always post such a load of bollocks.

My kids are all older now (12, 10, 9) but I still sometimes get frustrated by DHs desire for attention..

He does this thing where he sort of jokingly whines "pay attention to me" and it winds me up!! I dont want to pay attention to him at that moment. To be clear, I'm not ignoring him. I'm just not wanting to be kissed and hugged and touched etc. I've been at work all day, dealing with angry people, I've been shuttling kids about, doing housework and sorting meals. I just want to sit on my arse and zone out!

I had to talk to him about it, and also point out that if affection from him only comes as a precursor to sex, then that attention itself becomes a chore.

I want to be kissed and cuddle just because, not because he wants nookie.

I would say it's taken a good 5 or 6 years for us both to get on the same page though. Or maybe it's just that we're both in our 40s and too knackered

Talk to DH. You have to.

@Pluvia

And that's why I suggested she talk to him about it, but from the perspective of what she wants and needs and not from a how-to-please-him angle. I think you're being really patronising and infantilising towards men.

You don't have to be telepathic to understand how a partner who hasn't had a single full night's sleep for a year might feel: or how you breast-feeding wife, whose every waking hour involves holding, changing, comforting and caring for children might feel. You only need a tiny amount of empathy and imagination to get that. I've given exampled of things men might say and do to make their wives feel supported at such a time.

Why are we setting the bar so low for men? When many of us feel we give up ourselves both physically and metaphorically for our children in those early years, why do we cheer when they take on a bit more housework or do a load of washing? There are far, far too many women posting on MN about relationships and issues where the bottom line is that their partners are virtually absent from the whole child-having, child-rearing, childcare situation and assume life can just go on for them — including sex — as it did before.

Well the latter scenario isn't what's going on here as the OP's posts have made fairly clear.

There isn't a "my wants and needs" angle vs a "how to please you" angle, they're not opposed to each other. You can say what you want and need while also reassuring your partner that you're not rejecting them for them - that's a level of respect anyone in a relationship deserves.

As a child-free woman I had absolutely no idea how common it was for mothers to go off sex so much - of couse I understand it, I just hadn't given it any thought, as I've never experienced it. But over a decade DP and I have had external factors affect both our libidos and it's just seemed obvious that if something's going on that makes either of us unlikely to be up for it for more time than usual, we have to tell the other "it's not you, it's me".

Its a very old fashioned ,and one sided view that all men need Sex at whatever given time .If you are tired and have small DC, then you need a window to get your breath and unwind .A few weeks ago a similar thread appeared , and someone said you need space to yourself otherwise you have nothing left to give .He really needs to understand this! Marzipan Mike ,the 1950s want you back! Please understand that we are not Sex Machines,able to whirr and go at the touch of a sodding button! We do not "owe" Sex to anyone,thanks very much. I am quite sure that "Turkey Baster Husbands" do not exist!

Unlike you who offered no help whatsoever

Awesome!
I can feel the love

I honestly wasn't being sarcastic op.
I was just interested to hear what he said when you told him how you feel as you're not going to resolve anything without talking to him.

@Greyvesttop

Another don’t be sarcastic please … you did ask what he said ‘when’ I spoke to him about it when there was nothing in my OP about this.

I have no libido generally … it’s not DH personally.

It’s not unreasonable to assume you would have spoken to him, you are married for gods sake. How do you think this situation will improve if you don’t say anything?

If the OP has no libido whatsoever then
There could be a number of factors at play
Stress
Lack of sleep , PND Hormones out of wack or some other medical problem.
Talk it out with the DH and see a doctor to eliminate both physical and mental health issues.

@Marzipanmike

Unlike you who offered no help whatsoever

Who are you talking to?

@Marzipanmike WTAF. If someone not being in the mood for sex when they have a 1 year old was grounds for them leaving their partner then a very large number of marriages should end at that point, to the extent that it'd be daft.

Often people say that there are a couple of years when they have a young kid or two that sex isn't on their radar as they're knackered and preoccupied. It's often a temporary thing that after a year or two somewhat resolves itself.

Really interesting page from a book. It's completely normal to go off sex after children.