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Original poster

I really hate it when DH wants sex

133 replies

Greyvesttop · 22/01/2022 20:00

He communicates this by being very tactile and needy. He grabs me for cuddles / kisses all the time (we have very young children and it starts to feel like I’ve got another always wanting a kiss or cuddle.)

I just want to get it over with. I really don’t want to sleep with him but feel like I have to for some peace.

OP posts:
Grantanow · 22/01/2022 22:34

It would seem like a good idea to have talk with him.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 22/01/2022 22:36

Also I find a lot of men become clingy and child like themselves when kids come along, as if they are vying for the woman's affection. Personally I find that repulsive. Wondering if todays men would ever manage to go to war like previous generations or just crumple in a heap sucking their thumbs.

GreenTeaPingPong · 22/01/2022 22:37

100% agree with what Pluvia says above! Thank god(ess), after the first 20 or so depressing posts.

Hawkins001 · 22/01/2022 22:39

@Greyvesttop

Easier said than done but yes would be nice!
Have you or do you plan to sit and discuss with your partner about how you feel and then make a plan going forward together ?
GreenTeaPingPong · 22/01/2022 22:40

Why does OP have to 'talk to your doctor'? There is nothing wrong with her medically, she just doesn't want to have sex after devoting all her waking hours to her young children's every need! FGS!

Wnkingawalrus · 22/01/2022 22:41

OP, are you me?

I can tell by 9am on a Saturday morning if OH wants sex that evening. The thing is, I enjoy it when it actually happens, but the thought of it sets my teeth on edge.

April506 · 22/01/2022 22:46

We divorced after 20 years and his cheating. We are still friends and he still sends inappropriate messages even though he has another partner. Funny old world really

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 22/01/2022 22:50

[quote Picklerose]@brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
‘ Are you saying women pay men for housework in sex ?’

What a strange way of looking at it rather than your first thought being that new mothers are absolutely exhausted and even more so if her partner is not doing his fair share[/quote]
Not at all, the poster I quoted framed it in a rather transactional way - no housework no sex can also be inverted to «do housework get sex»

Pluvia · 22/01/2022 22:50

@GreenTeaPingPong

100% agree with what Pluvia says above! Thank god(ess), after the first 20 or so depressing posts.
Wouldn't it be wonderful if he were to say to her: 'I love you, you've given me these amazing children, I can see how exhausted you are and what a toll it's taken on you. I fancy the pants off you — and I understand that you don't feel that way about me at the moment. That's fine. We had our fun before the kids came along, we'll have years to rekindle that in the future. For now I'm going to leave it to you to make the first move when you're in the mood.' And being as good as his word.

Those of us raising boys need to keep instilling this into them. Relationships are partnerships. No one's rights. trumps the other's. Becoming parents is a massive, massive change to everything you have ever known. You can't always get what you want and not having sex for a month or a year or even ten years won't make your cock fall off.

mathanxiety · 22/01/2022 22:53

Maybe I’m the worst wife ever, I don’t know, but I just want a bit of time to myself.

I think you need to sit him down and tell him that.

You are not a bad wife. You are not a weird woman. You are tired and you are touched out, and you have absolutely no time to yourself for spacing out and not thinking about other things or other people.

Tell him to cool his engines. You need time for yourself, you would appreciate if he would stop pestering you for sex, and you can figure out together how you can get the time you need and if and when and how sex will resume.

nodogz · 22/01/2022 22:58

If your relationship is good, you still like him, he doesn't act like a second child this is might just be temporary.

I went numb from the waist down for a year or two. I was knackered and touched out. I had zero sex drive.

It came back. I'd stick around whilst someone was ill or felt like this and he might too. But you have to talk to him to tell him what the situation is.

Lots of people feel like this, gritting my teeth and going through it would give me the ick. S as nd it would ick me out if someone I was having sec with wasn't into it

AcrossthePond55 · 22/01/2022 23:01

The 'problem' with this situation is that above all there needs to be communication. And for some people talking about sexual things is difficult in the first place, let alone trying to find a 'right way' to tell your partner that you'd like them to (basically) leave you alone, at least until you've caught your breath and figured it out. The OP is going to have to talk to her partner and his reaction will tell her all she needs to know.

Most men tend to feel that love = sex so they may take it as a personal rejection when we tell them "A little less, please". A caring man who thinks he is offering 'love' will try to understand, slow down, and seek compromise. Of course, some men are pigs and just want sex, period, with nothing to do with love. A pig will get butt-hurt and offended. OP's partners reaction will tell her all she needs to know.

OP, you need time and 'space' to relax with no sexual pressure in order to get your 'mojo' back. But you're only going to get it if you talk to your DP. The longer you wait the more resentment you will have and the longer it'll take to get that mojo back. And if he's sensing your lack of desire or if you're saying 'no' without communication, the longer you wait the more frustrated he's going to be that you are not 'responsive'. I'd also see a gynae to be sure there is no physical or hormonal reason for your lack of desire, although chances are it's just life with small kids.

Crikeyalmighty · 22/01/2022 23:09

I can’t honestly say I’ve been interested in sex (and married) beyond the age of 50. I’ve never been sure if it’s just me or if i would be different in another relationship.

NormanStangerson · 22/01/2022 23:17

The vibe of AIBU is spreading isn’t it? I think some posters don’t realise where they are.

Nanny0gg · 22/01/2022 23:18

@Greyvesttop

Funnily enough has just this week started to sleep through, I hope he doesn’t hear me and wake up! Grin

Not breastfeeding but yeah I used to hate DH making ‘sexy’ comments then.

Is it all innuendo and groping?

Or is it 'normal' cuddling with affection that may or may not lead on?

And can you have a proper conversation about it?

Lookingoutside · 22/01/2022 23:38

‘I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong, I’m just feeling like i don’t want sex.’

Are you going to either end the relationship or tell him he can have sex elsewhere?

mummykel16 · 22/01/2022 23:40

Tell him asap or he is going on one hell of a long guilt trip thinking/feeling he has forced you into it

Drunkpanda · 22/01/2022 23:56

@Lookingoutside

‘I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong, I’m just feeling like i don’t want sex.’

Are you going to either end the relationship or tell him he can have sex elsewhere?

Yes, those are clearly the only two options for a couple with young dc Hmm Very shallow. Presumably the couple are in it for the long haul, since they have children. For us the sex didn't come back until the sleep came back. Which was later than 1!
mummykel16 · 23/01/2022 00:00

Much longer for some of usSmile

housemaus · 23/01/2022 00:22

Oh come on, Pluvia - You can't always get what you want and not having sex for a month [for] ... even ten years won't make your cock fall off.

Let's not pretend someone being upset about a lack of sex after a decade would be being dramatic.

I think OP has every right to not want sex (obviously, that's everyone's right at any time) and that it's understandable given that her youngest is still a baby. Partners absolutely should take that into account.

But 10 years!? How long before your relationship is fundamentally no longer the same? There's an attitude on Mumsnet I've noticed a lot where husbands who want to have any sex at all with their wives post-children are seen as disgusting, immature perverts and I think that does nobody any good - obviously if they're being pushy or selfish or generally a bad partner then, no, they can take a running jump. But wanting - even expecting - your sex life to return (in good time) and be a fundamental part of your relationship again is normal and healthy and I don't think we do women any favours by telling them "No no, you are A Mother now". It's very Madonna/whore. My closest friend said she felt guilty for having sex with her husband after her first baby was a few months old because the women in her post-natal group were all very "Never shall he darken my bedroom doorway again, not until they're in high school, how DARE he even ask" and she felt like she was being a mum wrong.

Ionlydomassiveones · 23/01/2022 00:44

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Hawkins001 · 23/01/2022 01:25

@housemaus

Oh come on, Pluvia - You can't always get what you want and not having sex for a month [for] ... even ten years won't make your cock fall off.

Let's not pretend someone being upset about a lack of sex after a decade would be being dramatic.

I think OP has every right to not want sex (obviously, that's everyone's right at any time) and that it's understandable given that her youngest is still a baby. Partners absolutely should take that into account.

But 10 years!? How long before your relationship is fundamentally no longer the same? There's an attitude on Mumsnet I've noticed a lot where husbands who want to have any sex at all with their wives post-children are seen as disgusting, immature perverts and I think that does nobody any good - obviously if they're being pushy or selfish or generally a bad partner then, no, they can take a running jump. But wanting - even expecting - your sex life to return (in good time) and be a fundamental part of your relationship again is normal and healthy and I don't think we do women any favours by telling them "No no, you are A Mother now". It's very Madonna/whore. My closest friend said she felt guilty for having sex with her husband after her first baby was a few months old because the women in her post-natal group were all very "Never shall he darken my bedroom doorway again, not until they're in high school, how DARE he even ask" and she felt like she was being a mum wrong.

It's partly then that starts the road to just being cohabiting friends rather than lovers in some relationships, and then it also partly contributes to , rightly or wrongly , some people beginning affairs over time, at least that's just an educated guess, based on the different threads that have appeared on her over time
gannett · 23/01/2022 06:06

*The 'problem' with this situation is that above all there needs to be communication. And for some people talking about sexual things is difficult in the first place, let alone trying to find a 'right way' to tell your partner that you'd like them to (basically) leave you alone, at least until you've caught your breath and figured it out. The OP is going to have to talk to her partner and his reaction will tell her all she needs to know.

Most men tend to feel that love = sex so they may take it as a personal rejection when we tell them "A little less, please". A caring man who thinks he is offering 'love' will try to understand, slow down, and seek compromise. Of course, some men are pigs and just want sex, period, with nothing to do with love. A pig will get butt-hurt and offended. OP's partners reaction will tell her all she needs to know.*

This is absolutely bang on.

But let's not frame it as a "men want this, women want that" thing - I think most women would feel hurt, unattractive and rejected if their husbands suddenly went off sex with no explanation. Indeed we see just as many threads about that on here. (Invariably the response is "LTB if he doesn't give you what you need", which is certainly different to the responses here.)

Women don't owe men sex at all, for anything, in any way. But two people in a relationship owe each other communication and respect. OP needs to explain to her husband why she doesn't want sex, and explain that it doesn't mean she's rejecting him or finds him unattractive or doesn't love him. And in turn he needs to listen to her, understand her and respect that.

RantyAunty · 23/01/2022 06:07

You're working a demanding job and taking care of 2 small children.

How many hours of completely child free alone time are you getting each week?

And the sex, are you getting anything out of the times you do have it?

EmmasMum12 · 23/01/2022 06:22

Talk to him. Tell him how you feel. I'm really not clear why you haven't already. At least his answer will give you real insight into how strong your relationship is.