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Original poster

I really hate it when DH wants sex

133 replies

Greyvesttop · 22/01/2022 20:00

He communicates this by being very tactile and needy. He grabs me for cuddles / kisses all the time (we have very young children and it starts to feel like I’ve got another always wanting a kiss or cuddle.)

I just want to get it over with. I really don’t want to sleep with him but feel like I have to for some peace.

OP posts:
PlanetNormal · 22/01/2022 20:58

Sex is important. It’s the glue which keeps relationships strong. Without sex, couples are housemates not partners and growing apart is inevitable.

If there are no other major issues between you, you need to talk to your husband and reassure him that this is a phase and that you want to work on getting your sex life back to normal. Most men would not be prepared to tolerate a situation in which sex with their wives had been withdrawn without explanation for long.

Original poster
Greyvesttop · 22/01/2022 21:02

I do have sex with him. I just don’t want to!

OP posts:
saleorbouy · 22/01/2022 21:04

And if he showed you no affection how would you feel?
He is continuing a normal warm affectionate perhaps that you had prior to kids, you're the one who's changed. He's surely entitled to fancy you and want to be affectionate and recieve affection too.
I find it strange when one or other in a relationship decides the don't want sex anymore and then gets odd when the other partner who wants to continue the physical side of the relationship as before has reasonable expectations that are denied.
Being in a relationship involves physical affection and sex otherwise surely it's just a friendship?

duvetdayforeveryone · 22/01/2022 21:07

@brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Not at all! I was trying to establish if her DH was a good hands on husband or if he was lazy and did F all.

Original poster
Greyvesttop · 22/01/2022 21:08

OK but to turn that on it’s head is it really so unheard of for a parent of a very young child who also works in a demanding job to be tired and just want a bit of personal space?

Second DC goes down for a nap DH is THERE wanting cuddles and attention.

Maybe I’m the worst wife ever, I don’t know, but I just want a bit of time to myself.

OP posts:
GoodnightGrandma · 22/01/2022 21:11

I think time to yourself sounds good.
I think you two going out for a ‘date night’ might be good too.
You need to get back to being ‘you’, not just mum.

DesdemonaDryEyes · 22/01/2022 21:13

Personally I think we are programmed to want sex to procreate then once we have children we move on.

Original poster
Greyvesttop · 22/01/2022 21:13

Easier said than done but yes would be nice!

OP posts:
StillWeRise · 22/01/2022 21:14

if you are having sex you don't want, OP that is a problem in itself, your DH should notice that you don't want it and that should be putting HIM off

its completely normal to feel touched out and have nothing left when you have small kids

TheAverageUser · 22/01/2022 21:17

I need time on my own, I'm not introverted and didn't need it before kids but I need time where no one expects anything from me and no one's touching me. My DH has the kids at his mum's every few months so I can have the house to myself. Might be that? Or sounds a bit like you might never have been that into it?

Sid077 · 22/01/2022 21:20

Agreed it’s normal to feel touched out with very young kids, it’s not good for a marriage though, would it change things if you both agreed that you would initiate when you wanted sex for now. Take control and not feel pressured if that’s the right word.

Nancydrawn · 22/01/2022 21:20

You really do need to talk with your husband. I might not lead with "I don't want to have sex with you anymore," but you could instead say a true thing: "I feel really touched out by the kids, and when they go to sleep I need some time by myself to recharge."

You can also do unsexy but important things, like scheduling a couple times a week for intimacy. Doesn't have to be sex--just a couple nights where, after the kids are in bed for an hour or two (and you get to recharge/regroup) you sit together, cuddle, or have sex. The other bonus is it gives you some nights on your own without intimacy.

Libidos tend to come back. But if you're pushing yourself and making yourself miserable, it'll turn from something hormonal into something really psychological, which makes it harder after.

Nat94 · 22/01/2022 21:21

The real question is why have you had kids with someone who you are clearly not attracted to?

HesterShaw1 · 22/01/2022 21:25

@DesdemonaDryEyes

Personally I think we are programmed to want sex to procreate then once we have children we move on.
I don't think so. With the right mindset and the right man, you can want sex for years. But maybe it takes a new partner.
HesterShaw1 · 22/01/2022 21:25

@Nat94

The real question is why have you had kids with someone who you are clearly not attracted to?
FGS don't be so silly.
CloneAViralMess · 22/01/2022 21:26

Nat I think op has only felt this way since kids?

PearPickingPorky · 22/01/2022 21:27

Second DC goes down for a nap DH is THERE wanting cuddles and attention.

I feel stressed and resentful just reading this sentence, I can't imagine how it would feel to be having this happen.

stuntbubbles · 22/01/2022 21:34

Second DC goes down for a nap DH is THERE wanting cuddles and attention
This would drive me bats. You want to breathe and have space. If he backed off, would you go to him (eventually)? It sounds like a “how can I miss you when you don’t go away” problem.

My friend’s husband said a lovely thing when she had 2 under 2: “I’m here if you want to jump my bones and I’m here if you don’t.”

You do need to talk to him. Explain it’s not forever.

Lessofallthisunpleasantness · 22/01/2022 21:34

This.

This.

This is why we need sister wives.... to take that task on, once you have moved into Mum mode.

CloneAViralMess · 22/01/2022 21:37

Sister wives? Confused

Lou98 · 22/01/2022 21:40

@StillWeRise

if you are having sex you don't want, OP that is a problem in itself, your DH should notice that you don't want it and that should be putting HIM off

its completely normal to feel touched out and have nothing left when you have small kids

I think it's unfair to say her Husband is in the wrong for not noticing - if OP hasn't actually told him how she's feeling and you can't just expect him to know. I've had 'convenience sex' in previous relationships just to get it over with, I just had sex as I normally would, it's not always obvious when someone isn't interested.

OP - neither of you are being unreasonable here. He's not UR to initiate sex if he doesn't know how you feel. You're also not wrong for not wanting sex. It's hard going with young kids - we're about to have 2 under 2 and I'm always exhausted! Not being interested right now doesn't mean that you'll never be interested again.

However - you are being unreasonable not talking to him about it. If he's a decent guy he won't be wanting you to have sex with him just to 'get it over with'. It isn't fair on you or him to have sex that you don't want. You need to talk to him and tell him exactly how you're feeling, you need space and some alone time to relax. He should understand and be willing to give you time/space however you need. It isn't going to get better without having that conversation though

grapewine · 22/01/2022 21:41

This is why we need sister wives.... to take that task on, once you have moved into Mum mode.

Are you actually serious? Pimping out other women for the task of having sex with your husband? Charming.

pinchylobster · 22/01/2022 21:42

@grapewine

This is why we need sister wives.... to take that task on, once you have moved into Mum mode.

Are you actually serious? Pimping out other women for the task of having sex with your husband? Charming.

I think it may have been a joke.

grapewine · 22/01/2022 21:43

I hope so.

maddiemookins16mum · 22/01/2022 21:43

We didn’t even get past the 2nd post without the usual ‘how much housework does he do’. FFS.