I really hate it when DH wants sex

[Greyvesttop]

He communicates this by being very tactile and needy. He grabs me for cuddles / kisses all the time (we have very young children and it starts to feel like I’ve got another always wanting a kiss or cuddle.)

I just want to get it over with. I really don’t want to sleep with him but feel like I have to for some peace.

I recently heard a psychologist talk about this. As mothers we receive a lot of cuddles, kisses, love from our children, especially if they are young. This boosts our oxytocin. Men generally go to work all day and don't receive all the physical contact. At the end of a the day women have had their needs met, men haven't. Thats why women just want to go to bed and men want that physical affection.

I felt like this most of our relationship. I always thought it was me. But I've decided perhaps not since. We are now separated.

Yuck! He’s a sex pest…no wonder you don’t want to have sex with him…

Another don’t be sarcastic please … you did ask what he said ‘when’ I spoke to him about it when there was nothing in my OP about this.

I think it was reasonable for someone to ask this. How much have you said to your DP? This is important stuff.

Physical and mental space is what you need. With 2 young children you never get any “You” time or peace and quiet. DH needs to stop being a 3rd child demanding attention and needs this is all it boils down to.

I felt the same way, even if the family cat and family dog wanted a cuddle as soon as I settled the children for the night. I simply did it have the mental energy spare - I have given and seen to everyone else and just needed space.

DH was understanding and simply gave time without pressure, libido comes back when your energy and mental headspace returns.

Your DH needs to realise he is there in partnership and needs to attend to you while body not just for sexual closeness.

21:21Nat94

The real question is why have you had kids with someone who you are clearly not attracted to?

Said from someone with 94 after their name . If you are actually 27/28 years old, you'll probably realise soon that we all change as we get older. The passion some of us had in our 20s diminishes, doesn't mean we still don't love or find our OH attractive.

20 years into a relationship is different from 2 years. Not suggesting that this is the OP's situation, just a fact for some.

I don’t remember feeling like this. Perhaps have a chat with your GP as hormones could be to blame or maybe you just need a break.

OP,

Feeling touched out is such a real thing when you have young children.

I also wanted silence, I couldn't watch tv.

I just wanted blessed silence after all the mayhem of the day.

Then I wanted sleep desperately.

Fortunately my husband understood and was very accepting of this reality.

Forcing yourself to have sex can be risky.
It can cause the Ick to happen where you just go fully off your husband.

Before that happens you need to tell him how you are feeling.

This is very normal with young children IMO.

He needs to understand you need personal space and mauling you the minute the children are in bed is wholly unacceptable.

He should be able to understand this.

Is the bigger problem the way he initiates sex or the fact that he wants sex? Do you feel like this is just for now due to being overwhelmed with family and work or something more permanent? Do you find your husband attractive? Do you have non sex intimacy and how it makes you feel? Is there something that could be done done improve your sex drive? Different initiation, date night, weekend away together or by yourself?

I encourage you to think about the root of the problem and then talk to your husband.

@maddiemookins16mum

We didn’t even get past the 2nd post without the usual ‘how much housework does he do’. FFS.

What's wrong with asking that?

Hi. Thanks for sharing this. First post. But this is exactly what I’m struggling with

“I have no libido generally … it’s not DH personally.”

I lost mine when I went back on the pill after childbirth. Changing contraception sorted it

@CluckingFunts

Yuck! He’s a sex pest…no wonder you don’t want to have sex with him…

Of course he isn’t.

How often is he wanting to have sex compares to you? It never seems to be the case on MN but for me personally and all of the friends I have discussed it with, sex during the years of young children tends to be very limited. Luckily in my case neither of us felt like it very frequently at that stage so it didn't become an issue but if he is wanting sex much more frequently than you then you probably need a discussion about compromise. Maybe some other intimate experiences that aren't sex. Or it isn't very spontaneous but DH and I used to schedule a kind of "date night" when sex would usually be on the table. It took the pressure off the rest of the time.

OP, you sound very exhausted, which is more than understandable with little children. Hope you can get some time to yourself to recharge and feel better soon.

@PearPickingPorky

Second DC goes down for a nap DH is THERE wanting cuddles and attention.

I feel stressed and resentful just reading this sentence, I can't imagine how it would feel to be having this happen.

Me too. You just become a body to serve/service other people, don't you?

Op it did get better for me when the kids became less touchy clingy.

@Dubgirl1212

I recently heard a psychologist talk about this. As mothers we receive a lot of cuddles, kisses, love from our children, especially if they are young. This boosts our oxytocin. Men generally go to work all day and don't receive all the physical contact. At the end of a the day women have had their needs met, men haven't. Thats why women just want to go to bed and men want that physical affection.

This is really fascinating and makes a lot of sense.

@Janesmom

Can completely empathise with OP’s predicament. However, I think there needs to be some “give and take” on this and your DH isn’t unreasonable to expect intimacy in your relationship.

If sex is a dealbreaker for you, I think your DH would be well within his rights deciding the relationship is over.

For god's sake, she's a busy mother with at least two small children from the sound of it, possibly only recently ceased breastfeeding and with all the hormonal and physical disruption and broken nights that having a small child entails. And her husband is prioritising not her well-being and needs, but his own.

We set such low standards for men. OP, has your husband settled the kids to bed one evening, left you with a glass of wine, then come downstairs and asked you what you want? What he can do to help you feel good about yourself and him? I'm guessing not. Managing this aspect of your relationship is all down to you, I suspect.

This whole idea that men are owed regular sex come what may, that if a wife, even an exhausted wife whose energy and libido are in the bin, doesn't respond when her husband wants it then he's entitled to leave her — even at this, one of the most fraught and exhausting and difficult stages of their lives together as a family — horrifies me. Have none of you heard of feminism? Women do this extraordinary thing with their bodies: they produce the next generation and all too often men overlook or are ignorant of everything that's going on with their partners and just expect everything to go back to normal asap.

Talk to him about how you feel, OP. Explain how tired and overwhelmed you are, about how your body doesn't feel as if it's your own, if that's how you feel. Loads of women will know that feeling. If as Janesmom says, he feels well within his rights that the relationship is over — well, frankly you are well rid of him because in a long-term loving relationship no one has overwhelming rights and intimacy needs to be negotiated, not taken for granted.

@brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
‘ Are you saying women pay men for housework in sex ?’

What a strange way of looking at it rather than your first thought being that new mothers are absolutely exhausted and even more so if her partner is not doing his fair share

I felt very fat and ugly and exhausted after babies were born .I'd have a baby hanging off one boob and husband off the other. I felt pretty violated. I couldn't understand why he wanted me at all.
He went out boozing a lot.

Have you spoken to DH about how you feel ?
If yes, what does he think ?

@Janesmom

So by your logic if a main had sufegett where his balls were stretched but torn or whatever then barely slept for a year because someone handed him a newborn and he lost interest the wife would have every fight to consider the relationship over
Or how bout all the men who lose interest cause of Ed - their wives should consider their relationships over too ?

@April506

I felt very fat and ugly and exhausted after babies were born .I'd have a baby hanging off one boob and husband off the other. I felt pretty violated. I couldn't understand why he wanted me at all. He went out boozing a lot.

I'm so sorry that happened to you. It makes we want to cry — and yes, I think too many of us know that violated feeling. I hope things are better for you now. Secretly hoping that you got rid of him!

i can't believe so many people are saying if you don't want sex with your husband you should let him go!!!! What century do you people live in?

Its perfectly normal to feel like this when both your children are small and I don't think men realise how bloody irritating it is to have someone paw you all day when you have had small children paw you all day, you are tired and just want to go to sleep.

I remember wanting to take an axe to my ex husband once when he started all that after I'd just done a 12 hour shift nursing very sick people who absolutely drained me then coming home to incessant pestering and pawing and I was having hot flushes.

The important thing is to say how you feel and work it out as a couple. If what he is doing disgusts you tell him and say why. Communication is so important.

Agree it’s a tough time with young children but to be honest it’s really not right to feel like it’s ok to have to feel like that for ten years! That would be running a real risk with fidelity of the husband and commitment to the marriage. You’re right in regards to hormones playing a part, but these days really no need to feel like that.
Best advice is to talk to your husband, maybe get some counselling and talk to your Dr... hormone imbalance can be treated.