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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why he doesn't want to marry me?

636 replies

Spinstermum · 20/01/2022 21:27

I'm trying to find a proper reasons why it's important for me to get married. He doesn't care about me reaching age of 40 feeling old . He still thinks it doesn't matter for him how old I'm as I'm still gonna look pretty in white dress. We started being friends when I was 27 years old. We have 2 kids together. We bought a house. Then our goal was to get married which never happened. At some point I wanted to go to register office and do it. He didn't want it. He wants to have a proper wedding with a music dance ect. So why it's taking him so long? He wants to propose. I really don't care any more as I've waited for such a long time I only want to be his wife and to feel complete. When I was pregnant I asked him why dont we make plans now. He said it's covid out there. It's gonna be very difficult to organise the wedding. Now he told me he wants to propose but needs to find the right moment. Ok so all those family trip, birthdays, Christmas,new year are not enough to find a perfect moment? I got feeling he is stringing me along . My thoughts are that he doesn't want to get married and all of that its just a lie. If I would know that sooner I'd never start relationship with somebody who doesn't want to get married in the end. I don't even have the same surname as my kids which is awful feeling but he doesn't care in his opinion this is not strong argument to get married. What else I can do/ say?

OP posts:
NowEvenBetter · 21/01/2022 18:24

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences
A link to the differences between legally single, and marriage. This should have been common knowledge before choosing to have kids and sacrifice your earnings and pension contributions.
Not sure if it’d be worth paying a solicitor fees to find out that you don’t have any protections or rights. From your latest post you can see he’s not interested in you, so you’ll need to find your own house and get back to employment.

FAQs · 21/01/2022 18:42

@mnhq thank you editing the post, after 3 decades of fighting prejudice against the stereotypes of single mums it’s actually quite refreshing to see the support.

@Spinstermum I wish you all the best and hope you’ve learned from your offensive comments and understand you was wrong.

Single parents are not fair game for prejudice and do not deserve such vile stereotype which continues to be the acceptable default view by many.

FAQs · 21/01/2022 18:45

@Spinstermum although catching up on your posts I note you have still not apologised and maintain it is your view. You need to change your views if only so your children do not have the same prejudice.

CayrolBaaaskin · 21/01/2022 20:47

@todaysdilemma - read your own links. They confirm everything I said. Please stop giving misinformation to vulnerable people

CayrolBaaaskin · 21/01/2022 20:53

@todaysdilemma it’s absolutely untrue that “a blood relative” has some right to contest inheritance in England or Scotland. It’s completely untrue. If ops dp choose to leave all his assets to her in a will his parents could not challenge it on the basis they are “blood relatives”. Lol! There is no such law im afraid. Not in England and not in Scotland.

On intestacy in both England and Scotland for an unmarried person with children their children will inherit everything. That’s the law.

Original poster
Spinstermum · 21/01/2022 21:01

If there is no will only children will inherit everything but not me. I won't get a penny. His family will get his share as blood relative. By law I'm a stranger.
I feel tired. He went to another room to watch tv. Like he doesn't care about me he won't talk either. I really want to show him how horrible person he is. Don't know how to do it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spinstermum · 21/01/2022 21:04

My parents know all this. Still saying it's better if I stay with him than leave as every man is not perfect. Also saying, what future I'm gonna give it to my kids if I leave.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 21/01/2022 21:06

Do you have naturalisation/citizenship - basically are you entitled to UK benefits?

RandomMess · 21/01/2022 21:11

Are you getting child benefit for the DC, it's essential you do.

beanbaghashtag · 21/01/2022 21:12

I'm in a similar situation, but we have written mirror wills. They were done ourselves, not through solicitor. I do worry they might not be valid. However we did get them witnessed and both signed them.

I must say the waiting to get asked to marry has made me quite bitter and certainly affected the love I feel for my Partner. Your relationship sounds ok apart from this issue. We have 2 children also. Been together 13 years. I am 41. I too don't leave because the kids life would be worse, we just about have a nice place to live between us, I am here for the kids and work part time too. It's hard Op.

CourtRand · 21/01/2022 21:24

Because you've already given him everything a wife provides and so marrying now only brings the downside of you getting half the assets of you split.

Original poster
Spinstermum · 21/01/2022 21:24

@beanbaghashtag

I'm in a similar situation, but we have written mirror wills. They were done ourselves, not through solicitor. I do worry they might not be valid. However we did get them witnessed and both signed them.

I must say the waiting to get asked to marry has made me quite bitter and certainly affected the love I feel for my Partner. Your relationship sounds ok apart from this issue. We have 2 children also. Been together 13 years. I am 41. I too don't leave because the kids life would be worse, we just about have a nice place to live between us, I am here for the kids and work part time too. It's hard Op.

I had a massive argument with him . I just can't do it any more called him a liar. He said he has something planned re proposal . I didn't want to listen any more. I left. How do u live with your partner just for kids? It's a huge sacrify. Not having an opportunity to find a man who is thinking the same way as u do ego wants the same things in life.
OP posts:
13yearslater · 21/01/2022 21:25

Nothing stopping you from walking out. Leave the kids with him. Go awol.

Original poster
Spinstermum · 21/01/2022 21:28

@13yearslater

Nothing stopping you from walking out. Leave the kids with him. Go awol.
To go to the hotel to stay overnight? Wish I could do it
OP posts:
ProudThrilledHappy · 21/01/2022 21:30

Why not? They are his kids too. He should be capable of watching them while you take time to yourself to consider your future

Original poster
Spinstermum · 21/01/2022 21:35

@ProudThrilledHappy

Why not? They are his kids too. He should be capable of watching them while you take time to yourself to consider your future
It won't do any good. It will make the situstion worse if I live for the night.
OP posts:
caringcarer · 21/01/2022 21:36

I just can't understand if you were not married why not give children your surname or double barrel? Is house to be left to.ypu if he does? Has he got life insurance with you as beneficiary? If not I would be insisting he does that or leave.

ProudThrilledHappy · 21/01/2022 21:36

Why? He has taken all agency from your life and left you with no control. He doesn’t care what you say as he knows you will not leave, you are financially dependant on him.

caringcarer · 21/01/2022 21:40

You are not his next of kin. Either his parents, siblings or your children are. Seriously OP I know a woman who was living with a man who died in a car crash. They had a child together but his Mum demanded he was buried and as she was next of kin nothing my Friend could do. She begged his Mum to let him be cremated which is what he would have wanted but the Mum refused. She organised the whole funeral, picked everything she wanted. If not married or in civil partnership you are not next of kin.

Original poster
Spinstermum · 21/01/2022 21:40

The truth is I absolutely ruined my life. I did this to myself. Can't blame anybody. I was so naive and stupidly belived somebody who had no intentions of carrying about me what so ever. There's no way really now. If I'd know it sooner before we decided to have a second child and before we went to buy a house then... I could possibly leave with a hope of starting my life again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spinstermum · 21/01/2022 21:41

@caringcarer

I just can't understand if you were not married why not give children your surname or double barrel? Is house to be left to.ypu if he does? Has he got life insurance with you as beneficiary? If not I would be insisting he does that or leave.
He told me today yes on all your questions. A dbl barrel surname he doesn't want to do as he said no point as we gonna get married lol
OP posts:
Original poster
Spinstermum · 21/01/2022 21:43

@caringcarer

You are not his next of kin. Either his parents, siblings or your children are. Seriously OP I know a woman who was living with a man who died in a car crash. They had a child together but his Mum demanded he was buried and as she was next of kin nothing my Friend could do. She begged his Mum to let him be cremated which is what he would have wanted but the Mum refused. She organised the whole funeral, picked everything she wanted. If not married or in civil partnership you are not next of kin.
He told me that he put my name on every emergency medical document as a number 1. Not his parents. But me.
OP posts:
RandomMess · 21/01/2022 21:49

Legally you are not his next of kin, it's good you are emergency contact but without a will you would not inherit.

Did his parents gift him the deposit?

peboh · 21/01/2022 21:49

@Spinstermum his emergency contact yes. His next of kin? No. You will not get to make any medical decisions, as legally you are nothing to him. Harsh, but true. His next of kin right now will be his parents.

RandomMess · 21/01/2022 21:51

Also yes his parents can override everything in terms of burial etc unless there is a legal document making you his next of kin and I'm not sure this exists?