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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why he doesn't want to marry me?

636 replies

Spinstermum · 20/01/2022 21:27

I'm trying to find a proper reasons why it's important for me to get married. He doesn't care about me reaching age of 40 feeling old . He still thinks it doesn't matter for him how old I'm as I'm still gonna look pretty in white dress. We started being friends when I was 27 years old. We have 2 kids together. We bought a house. Then our goal was to get married which never happened. At some point I wanted to go to register office and do it. He didn't want it. He wants to have a proper wedding with a music dance ect. So why it's taking him so long? He wants to propose. I really don't care any more as I've waited for such a long time I only want to be his wife and to feel complete. When I was pregnant I asked him why dont we make plans now. He said it's covid out there. It's gonna be very difficult to organise the wedding. Now he told me he wants to propose but needs to find the right moment. Ok so all those family trip, birthdays, Christmas,new year are not enough to find a perfect moment? I got feeling he is stringing me along . My thoughts are that he doesn't want to get married and all of that its just a lie. If I would know that sooner I'd never start relationship with somebody who doesn't want to get married in the end. I don't even have the same surname as my kids which is awful feeling but he doesn't care in his opinion this is not strong argument to get married. What else I can do/ say?

OP posts:
teaandchocolate1 · 21/01/2022 21:51

@VodselForDinner

OP, I’m guessing that English isn’t your first language?

There’s an old saying in English-
“Why buy the cow when you’re getting the milk for free”.

Not a very nice saying, but certainly a big element of truth to it.

Why would he bother getting married? You’re giving him children, sex, contributing towards the roof over his head, probably washing his clothes and cooking his meals.

He has it this good with zero commitment, why would be change that?

What possessed you to have children when marriage was so important to you?

But not all men think like that.

There's many people who get married after living together and having children together.

My husband married me after our son was born.

Not all men are assholes that see marriage as a way to get things from women.

RantyAunty · 21/01/2022 22:02

I'm sorry OP. Flowers At least you now know where you stand with him.
You haven't ruined your life. You found out now instead of when you're 60 or older!

How long have you had the house?
It may have increased in value with the real estate market as it is. Selling the house may work out good for you if the equity has increased a lot.
First see a lawyer. See if you can get an appointment for next week.
Are your parents also in the UK? I know they said to stay but maybe they don't realise how vulnerable you and the children are.

How many days of free childcare can you get? How old are your children?
You didn't say what your career is but you can start looking around for jobs to see what is out there. Can you go full time where you are now?

It's good you found your anger about the unfairness of it all.
You and your DC deserve so much better.

13yearslater · 21/01/2022 22:07

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Women are perfectly capable of carving out a living for themselves even if meagre. Why on earth do you want to marry him anymore?

What is your immediate financial situation - do you have a joint account? savings account? Do you have a bank account in your name only? Come ON.

Or...if you are the main carer and you have loving family in your home country, take the kids back there. He's not invested in you is he, so why should you give him another minute of your time?

You have so many options...precisely BECAUSE you are not married to him.

thenewduchessoflapland · 21/01/2022 22:12

In his life insurance policy he has the right to dictate what happens to the money if he dies.

He needs to get a will written,you both do.

Call his bluff;tell him you want a civil partnership to cover you and the kids legally.I don't get why these men won't commit;they own a house and have children with a woman but won't marry them.

I'll admit when I was pregnant with eldest DC myself and DH weren't married;my FIL told my DH he needed to marry me if he was willing to live with me and have a child.We got married when eldest DC was 16 weeks old.

3luckystars · 21/01/2022 22:15

Do not believe a word out of his mouth. The ball is rolling now, just keep strong!!

Spinstermum · 21/01/2022 22:33

I wish I could take the kids somewhere and go away for some time. Unfirtnately don't have any relatives or family over here. He does. Financially, we do not have any joint accounts. We have separate accounts. I have my part time wages. He's got his full time. Also we have 3rd account as a emergency if any of us needs it for something important. We revive a child benefit (It's a benefit who every born child gets from a government regardless of the circumstances). So this child benefit goes to that 3rd account.

I don't understand it. If there's a chance that he might plan out some kind of proposal then doesn't he get it might be too late? I'm more frustrated now as the time goes by. How i supposed to be happy if he propose?

OP posts:
SoloJazz · 21/01/2022 22:34

I hope you understand that you can't believe everything he tells you. He's been lying to you for years. You need to see the actual documents.

RandomMess · 21/01/2022 22:36

Change the child benefit to your account and ensure it's in your name not his.

ChristmasPlanning · 21/01/2022 22:49

@SoloJazz

I hope you understand that you can't believe everything he tells you. He's been lying to you for years. You need to see the actual documents.
Agree with @SoloJazz, he had been dishonest about his intentions so may be lying about all of this
ProudThrilledHappy · 21/01/2022 23:02

If this man wanted to marry you then when you went to him in distress and explained why it was so important for your security that you marry as soon as possible, he would have been eager to reassure you and agree to a date. The promise of a special proposal is merely to string you along even longer.

13yearslater · 21/01/2022 23:03

What are you getting out of this relationship now?

He's not going to propose. Even if he did it's a long long mile between proposing and walking down the ails.

Why are you pissing your childrens chances up the wall?

13yearslater · 21/01/2022 23:03

aisle

3luckystars · 21/01/2022 23:05

We have a saying here ‘it’s time to sh*t, or get off the pot’ he has to make a choice. Time’s up.

FFSjustLTB · 21/01/2022 23:13

Make sure that you are the child benefit claimant, that the payment is made in your name. This is important as it helps towards national insurance contributions and also any benefits you may need to claim in the future.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 21/01/2022 23:14

Wow, he's done every single thing to benefit and safeguard only him financially rather than you both as a couple. You, the mother of his kids and their main carer, who has given up working full time to provide childcare for his children... he'd happily see you be financially fucked if you split or he passed away.

The only reason I would marry him now is to safeguard yourself financially but that feels incredibly hollow and sad for you. So I would be pushing for signing legal documents (next of kin, a will etc) jointly that protect you in the instance of a split or a death.

He will say (again) that he won't do it as he's 'going to propose' but he won't do it. Then he'll start to blame you saying he's not sure he wants to marry you as you've pressured him etc. Textbook.

I'm afraid I'm not sure what the answer is really as he's very clearly not willing to protect or safeguard you financially despite you making more sacrifices than him due to going part time.

You need to go back to full time and tell him that childcare costs are a joint responsibility. There's absolutely no reason they need to be covered by your wage rather than his, as if your career / pension / future is worth nothing if he is any worse off during the few years you'll need childcare.

As I say, I wouldn't want to marry such a selfish prick and I don't think he'll budge so I don't know what the answer is.

You'll need to reassess your prejudice against single mums and start seriously planning how to be one. It's doable, otherwise there wouldn't be any single mums in full time work - but there are plenty. It's tough and more difficult than being in a couple with dual income but that's a consequence of trusting someone else totally without safeguarding yourself.

I would be demanding you both sort a will, life insurance, property rights etc. But that demand won't be met with him acting on it as he knows there's no benefit directly to him in doing so and he is a cunt.

Weenurse · 22/01/2022 00:11

Plan to live separately.
Seek legal advice and get wills made.
Make sure you are actually on the deeds to the house.
Get pension benefits in your name.
I wouldn’t marry him through stubbornness, but that is me.

RoseSays · 22/01/2022 02:11

I wish every woman who shacked up with a guy was made to read these daily threads.

Please, at the very least, give your children a different surname to yours! This is the major thing that I think a guy would marry a woman over. If you give that away - you've got nothing he wants. I know I'm being blunt, but it's what I've learnt on MN over the last lord knows how many years!

SquidMonkey · 22/01/2022 03:45

@Spinstermum

I have been living in UK for about 18 years working full time all the time. When out 1st child was born I dropped out to work part time as I NEED to work otherwise I'm going to lose my licence as a professional I trained for. We decided that I'm gonna continue to work part time until kids are going to go to school full time so I can go full time to work. Our grandparents are doing a childcare for us now as nursery it's too expensive . After paying off the nursery I'd be left with no much income not enough to buy food and this for kids. So there was no point for me to work full time. Part time working then having grandpatents to look after kids it's much better help. He only pays the mortgage I pay for everything else. I'm looking at our house contract details now.
If you've been in the UK for 18 years, that's plenty of time to understand the law, culture, and also not make absurd comments about single mothers, many of whom are far more successful, independent and financially secure than you are, according to your own posts.

There is no excuse for the ridiculous and prejudiced things that you wrote and "I'm sorry if I upset people" doesn't cut it.

I hope you get yourself together, give your children some security and stop relying on a man to provide for you and for them. Get some self respect and also have a little more respect for others.

SquidMonkey · 22/01/2022 03:48

[quote CayrolBaaaskin]@FAQs - thanks for speaking up for us single mums. Another single mum here with a good (full time) professional job, own house in good area and dds at good school. Single mums are not like some sort of characters out of shameless- while I can’t generalise completely we tend to be more self sufficient.[/quote]
Same. My kids are fine, thanks very much OP. Nobody where we live has no job or hangs around drinking in the street. HTH.

SquidMonkey · 22/01/2022 03:51

[quote CayrolBaaaskin]@TheGrinchsDog - the judgemental bit is the bit about “shitty houses for single mums”.[/quote]
Exactly. Like some of don't actually own very nice houses, from money we have earned ourselves.

You got yourself and your children into this situation OP through frankly stupid decisions. You now need to take some responsibility for sorting it out. You say you have a promising career and degree so go and do that, provide for your children and stop pining after a man to fix it all for you, and judging others who don't do the same.

SquidMonkey · 22/01/2022 03:57

@Spinstermum

I wish I could take the kids somewhere and go away for some time. Unfirtnately don't have any relatives or family over here. He does. Financially, we do not have any joint accounts. We have separate accounts. I have my part time wages. He's got his full time. Also we have 3rd account as a emergency if any of us needs it for something important. We revive a child benefit (It's a benefit who every born child gets from a government regardless of the circumstances). So this child benefit goes to that 3rd account. I don't understand it. If there's a chance that he might plan out some kind of proposal then doesn't he get it might be too late? I'm more frustrated now as the time goes by. How i supposed to be happy if he propose?
No, not every child gets child benefit. Yet you're trying to explain it to us, when you don't even understand how it works? This thread has to be a joke. The single mother comments, the council house comments and then this? Really?

You need to take responsibility for yourself OP. Go back to work. Sell the house. Take your equity and learn to behave like an adult and provide for your children yourself.

SquidMonkey · 22/01/2022 04:02

@13yearslater

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Women are perfectly capable of carving out a living for themselves even if meagre. Why on earth do you want to marry him anymore?

What is your immediate financial situation - do you have a joint account? savings account? Do you have a bank account in your name only? Come ON.

Or...if you are the main carer and you have loving family in your home country, take the kids back there. He's not invested in you is he, so why should you give him another minute of your time?

You have so many options...precisely BECAUSE you are not married to him.

It's illegal to take children out of the UK to live somewhere else without the other parent's permission, if they also have parental responsibility. Please don't advise the OP to do this!! Basic safeguarding laws prohibit it for a good reason.
AlDanvers · 22/01/2022 05:19

How do u live with your partner just for kids? It's a huge sacrify. Not having an opportunity to find a man who is thinking the same way as u do ego wants the same things in life.

Why would you live with him just for the kids? You would still be in a poor financial situation, right up until he decides to split up with you. Then in a worse position.

You go back to work, full time. You save up money and you leave. You make yourself financially secure. You make your own home, with the kids. Your own little family and you live your life.

You may find a man to be with. You may not. You may decide you dont want to be with someone. You live forbyiurself and your kids.

Let's be honest, after this situation, even if he did propose. Would you want it? It's important to you, but he has only given in after your have pushed and pushed, argued shouted etc.

Would you actually ever feel like he married you because he wanted to?

coffy11 · 22/01/2022 05:36

You need to go back to work full time and he pays half of childcare fees

Beginit · 22/01/2022 06:03

The English in this thread is very strange. It's not the language a non native speaker with apparently broken English would use.

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