Why he doesn't want to marry me?

[Spinstermum]

I'm trying to find a proper reasons why it's important for me to get married. He doesn't care about me reaching age of 40 feeling old . He still thinks it doesn't matter for him how old I'm as I'm still gonna look pretty in white dress. We started being friends when I was 27 years old. We have 2 kids together. We bought a house. Then our goal was to get married which never happened. At some point I wanted to go to register office and do it. He didn't want it. He wants to have a proper wedding with a music dance ect. So why it's taking him so long? He wants to propose. I really don't care any more as I've waited for such a long time I only want to be his wife and to feel complete. When I was pregnant I asked him why dont we make plans now. He said it's covid out there. It's gonna be very difficult to organise the wedding. Now he told me he wants to propose but needs to find the right moment. Ok so all those family trip, birthdays, Christmas,new year are not enough to find a perfect moment? I got feeling he is stringing me along . My thoughts are that he doesn't want to get married and all of that its just a lie. If I would know that sooner I'd never start relationship with somebody who doesn't want to get married in the end. I don't even have the same surname as my kids which is awful feeling but he doesn't care in his opinion this is not strong argument to get married. What else I can do/ say?

@Spinstermum

So what should I do? Take those documents and seek some attorney? Still don't know if he added me or children to insurance or pension ect. Still don't know if we are secure financially. What about the will when one of us dies? What's about surnames?

Gather all the documents you can find and book an appointment with a solicitor. Preferably one that speaks your first language too so you can be absolutely clear you understand what's happening.

Then you can figure out what you want to do

This is why you marry first..THEN have children.

In the kindest possible way, why would he propose? You aren't going anywhere if he doesn't, right? It's not like you'll walk out, is it?

When I was at exactly your stage and wondering if he really did want to marry me, I did a lot of soul searching, and realised I had two choices - I could either leave and find someone who did want to get married, or I could stay with DP, knowing that it may never happen for us. I chose the latter because in every single way we were perfect.

However, because I chose this less legally stable option, I decided I would always stay working full time, that going forward our joint expenses and assets could clearly be legally confirmed as joint assets and ensured that if I wasn't going to have the legal protections and benefits of marriage, at the very least I would not be left vulnerable if he fucked off and left me with a baby.

So, ask yourself do you just want to be a wife, or do you want to be with this man, even if it means that you may never marry. If it's the former, break up and go find that husband you want. But if you want this man, then start rearranging your life so that you don't need marriage. Go back to work and start building your own pension, your own savings and having your own income.

@BertiesShoes

If one of you dies, his parents get the house. Unless you have a will made naming you next of kin. His parents will also be beneficiaries on insurance and pension (along with the children) unless he has specifically named you.

Given that he has children, surely they will inherit, unless he specifically has a Will naming his parents? Why would his parents inherit anything when he has children? I am not legal but his children would inherit everything, surely.

So his portion of house would go to children, Ops portion would be hers.

His parents might want their money back, but unless they have anything legal to show they are owed a % of house, they wouldn’t have a right to anything in law. Not sure how Pre nup would be treated if he died? Does it die with him? But even so, it applies to him getting the deposit money, not his parents!

Similarly with pensions and insurance, even without him naming anyone, the trustees would consider paying out to his dependants eg children, first, not parents. Op may have a case for insurance as she is bringing up his children. His parents would be further down the pecking order.

But the children will be minors and without a will, blood relatives can contest the will to get a share. Not like children can defend the will. OP doesn't have the funds likely to fight it in court either and is not a blood relative or spouse. Parents have a claim on the deposit already, makes it easier to contest or force a sale.

It won't automatically go to his parents but they have a much bigger claim on it then she does. And I don't think they'll let her take the children's share without a fight, given they already wanted the deposit back.

Was your relationship arranged? Did you come from your country to the UK (Scotland?) in the expectation of marriage? Where are your partner's family from. Not him, them?

So the house is 50/50 but a big portion of that is the deposit which reverts entirely back to him?
If you put the house on the market now for the market value, what would you get back after the deposit is taken away?

I don't think you would be a beneficiary of his pension, will or his life insurance automatically unless married. It's possible he named you as a beneficiary, but you would have to ask him.

You are in a really vulnerable position at the moment. I do think you need to take the advice of others and go back full time to work. So what if he doesn't want to pay nursery fees and tells you that you agreed to stay at home - He agreed that you'd get married and you aren't so agreements in your house clearly aren't any big deal for him.

Right now, you've done everything you've promised. He hasn't. So now it's time to revert back to where you were before with financial security for you.

He knows what to do if he doesn't want you to do that. And don't entertain the idea of a long engagement either from him. But I'm really really hoping that you get so independent of him and realise that his financial arrangements are designed to protect him and screw you and the kids and that you tell him where to shove that engagement ring, when he finally realises it's past the time to play that card.

There’s lots of Wedding Fairs this time of year. Book one and call his bluff

@TheGrinchsDog

I'm not trying to be a twat here but have any of the posters who are saying 'put your foot down' and 'make him do xyz' actually tried to make a fully grown adult pay for or do something they insistently didn't want to do?

I've never met someone who's been able to do what you are suggesting in the situation described by the OP. It invariably ends in a life of abject misery for the person in her position as they try and make it work or they leave with not a lot to their name and have to claw their way back.

Not once have I ever heard of a woman saying 'I told him he was going to have to pay for xyz from now on because I wouldn't do it alone anymore. I really put my foot down!' followed by 'and now he does exactly what I've been telling him to do for all those years because it turns out I just wasn't being assertive enough'

Sorry everyone, I'm clearly a bit grumpy this morning.

Yes, actually. That’s pretty much how my sister in law got my brother to marry her. They’ve now been happily married for a decade, after 7 years of him not proposing. People suggest putting your foot down because it often does give them the necessary kick up the bum and spur desired activity. Not always, obviously. But, more times than not, in my experience.

Poor op. Are you sure you still want to marry him? I would be more concerned with getting out.

OP it doesn't matter what he thinks should happen. He can't decide not to pay for childcare for example because she feels he pays enough. That's bollocks.

Take control of your destiny.

If he wants a wife, let him make you his wife. Otherwise as of right now stop being his wife.

Get back to working full time and only do 50% of all domestic stuff. It doesn't matter what he says.

Until you put your foot down nothing will change.

He doesn't want to marry you. After this long he could have planned the perfect proposal, and you'd have been long married. He didn't and you aren't. He's spinning you a web of bullshit, and it's sticking. Look at his actions.
I don't even think talking to him or giving him an ultimatum will do anything. You're honestly better off being a single mum, because financially you'll be protected and not dependent on hoping that whoever is his power of attorney would support you if he passed.

I just want to say that the house would not automatically go to his parents. It depends how you hold the property - either as joint tenants or as tenants in common (tenants here doesn't mean that you're renting, it's just the phase used)

Separately, next of kin has no legal standing at all, except for under-18s.

These are important legal things and I would advise seeing a lawyer to understand your situation more clearly.

Go see a solicitor to find out what your unmarried rights are. You are not his next of kin. If he ends up in hospital unconscious they will call his closest blood relative. I know as it happened to a friend of mine. With her BF for 30 years. The mother was called when he died and she got his share of the house. He’s stringing you along. Lots of people get married in their 40s but your window of finding someone is closing so best to get out now while you’ve still got your health etc don’t waste another ten years. He’s not going to do it. You’ve got nothing over him to make him do it. You’ve got no power.

@todaysdilemma - totally rubbish- his parents would have no ability to contest a will in normal circumstances certainly not one which left his property to his dependent children. If no will and op is in England or Scotland the estate will go to his children entirely, his parents will get nothing of his property. If there is an agreement to give them back the deposit though, that may be valid (whether or not married makes no difference there).

His insurance and pension will depend who he named as the beneficiary.

No such legal concept as next of kin in uk. Being married gives no rights to make medical decisions for another person.

For all the people saying “get married first” before children- not exactly helpful when op has children and is not married!

Do you have a close friend you can confide in who will help you navigate through this and support you as you seek legal advice?

What he is doing is classed as abuse, financial abuse. There will most likely be a women's domestic abuse charity in your area that will advocate for you and help you if you don't have any close friends that can do this.

OP he won’t marry you.

At the moment thus decision has no impact upon him at all and a severely detrimental impact on you.

To protect yourself please attempt the following:

Read this

resolution.org.uk/looking-for-help/living-together/

See a solicitor and get a cohabitation agreement drawn up that covers financial support he will give you for childcare, a deed of trust in relation to the house if necessary, ensure you are nominated as his beneficiary on any pensions and make mirror wills

If he refuses to do any of the above it’s clear he’s a total deadbeat who won’t take any responsibility for providing for his family so you need to:

Either say ‘men eh’ and leave it be

Or (over time)

take a second or different job (weekends if necessary) covering times when he’s free for childcare

Go to Court and change the children’s surnames to your name

Put in an order for sale of the house and look for your own home

Contact CMS and seek child care payments from him

Claim benefits you can whilst training for a better paid job

Good luck

[quote CayrolBaaaskin]@todaysdilemma - totally rubbish- his parents would have no ability to contest a will in normal circumstances certainly not one which left his property to his dependent children. If no will and op is in England or Scotland the estate will go to his children entirely, his parents will get nothing of his property. If there is an agreement to give them back the deposit though, that may be valid (whether or not married makes no difference there).

His insurance and pension will depend who he named as the beneficiary.

No such legal concept as next of kin in uk. Being married gives no rights to make medical decisions for another person.

For all the people saying “get married first” before children- not exactly helpful when op has children and is not married![/quote]
Hope this clarifies things for you.

www.which.co.uk/news/2020/02/five-million-choosing-not-to-get-married-why-writing-a-will-needs-to-be-a-priority/

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/death-and-wills/who-can-inherit-if-there-is-no-will-the-rules-of-intestacy/

www.rochelegal.co.uk/news/what-rights-does-your-next-of-kin-have/

@LittleMissTake

OP he won’t marry you.

At the moment thus decision has no impact upon him at all and a severely detrimental impact on you.

To protect yourself please attempt the following:

Read this

resolution.org.uk/looking-for-help/living-together/

See a solicitor and get a cohabitation agreement drawn up that covers financial support he will give you for childcare, a deed of trust in relation to the house if necessary, ensure you are nominated as his beneficiary on any pensions and make mirror wills

If he refuses to do any of the above it’s clear he’s a total deadbeat who won’t take any responsibility for providing for his family so you need to:

Either say ‘men eh’ and leave it be

Or (over time)

take a second or different job (weekends if necessary) covering times when he’s free for childcare

Go to Court and change the children’s surnames to your name

Put in an order for sale of the house and look for your own home

Contact CMS and seek child care payments from him

Claim benefits you can whilst training for a better paid job

Good luck

This

Why would anyone want to be with someone who doesn’t want to marry them?
My cousin’s girlfriend has been begging him to marry her for three years. They have a one year old child. He has told me that he does not want to marry her. He has told her that he will propose soon. She is in for a rude awakening

@CayrolBaaaskin

And anyone can contest inheritance if they are a blood relative. Given the children are minors, and the OP can't get a share herself, the parents could make a legal challenge to get a share of the estate or their deposit back. They could even make a claim to be legal guardians or be the trustees. I have seen grandparents do this. Whether they are successful or not is irrelevant. The point is OP has NO finances to access (his estate and assets will be in a trust) and will struggle to contest any claim by the parents or to get access to any monies without a will.

As blood relatives his parents have legal claim BEFORE an unmarried partner.

OP, you need to get the finance sorted and be in a confidence position. It doesn't sound like your boyfriend is just lazy but has a reason not to marry you to protect his family asset.

So I confronted him today I buletpointed all those financial things I want or worry about. He said all is done in my favour. I shouldn't worry about. Said we only need to write a will. I also said it would be much easier to get married than have this paper work to do instead. Also told him all detsils about register office that I want to do and get married. Asked him for a date asked him if it's fine with him for me to arrange it. He went quiet. After a while said ok it won't be years of waiting I get it. No answer for my questions nothing. So I told him I'm done and no wasting my time any more.

What is all in your favour? Not marrying you and not writing a will? Not sharing a retirement plan, pension whilst you are sacrificing your earning potential?

Draft a will and take a proactive approach. Please don't wait for him to propose and give you what you deserve. Glad to hear that you stood on your ground firmly. Take the control back OP.

Well you've made your point.

You need to follow through. First thing I would do is get full time work and the childcare you'll need.

Move the household bills into his name and stop paying them. Tell him you can't afford them as you need to save up for your pension and future childcare. Tell him he needs to give you £x per month to cover his share of the food.

Stop doing his laundry etc. explain that as he won't marry you wifely duties have stopped.

You don't need to decide quickly if you are going to leave but you need to be resolute in no longer paying bills etc - tell him your financial contribution is looking after his DC so he can work and that childcare would cost him £x per day.

Well done for having the conversation just follow through with change

Randommess is giving you good advice. I hope you can find your anger to give you strength. How dare he treat you like this?