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Original poster

Why he doesn't want to marry me?

636 replies

Spinstermum · 20/01/2022 21:27

I'm trying to find a proper reasons why it's important for me to get married. He doesn't care about me reaching age of 40 feeling old . He still thinks it doesn't matter for him how old I'm as I'm still gonna look pretty in white dress. We started being friends when I was 27 years old. We have 2 kids together. We bought a house. Then our goal was to get married which never happened. At some point I wanted to go to register office and do it. He didn't want it. He wants to have a proper wedding with a music dance ect. So why it's taking him so long? He wants to propose. I really don't care any more as I've waited for such a long time I only want to be his wife and to feel complete. When I was pregnant I asked him why dont we make plans now. He said it's covid out there. It's gonna be very difficult to organise the wedding. Now he told me he wants to propose but needs to find the right moment. Ok so all those family trip, birthdays, Christmas,new year are not enough to find a perfect moment? I got feeling he is stringing me along . My thoughts are that he doesn't want to get married and all of that its just a lie. If I would know that sooner I'd never start relationship with somebody who doesn't want to get married in the end. I don't even have the same surname as my kids which is awful feeling but he doesn't care in his opinion this is not strong argument to get married. What else I can do/ say?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/01/2022 10:11

"Our grandparents are doing a childcare for us now as nursery it's too expensive . After paying off the nursery I'd be left with no much income not enough to buy food and this for kids"

That was all deliberate on his part also and I would also think he'd say a flat no if you were to go cap in hand for more money. He does not want to pay for both his children to go to nursery because if he did that this would enable you to go full time. He really has this all seemingly sewn up doesn't he for his sole benefit; he does not and has never wanted to share what he sees as "his" home and "his" money.

And he is also now being financially abusive; he really does not want to share anything does he?. The team you thought you are a part of was a mirage.

todaysdilemma · 21/01/2022 10:12

@Spinstermum

So based on the contract we jointly purchased the house. Both our names are on the minute of agreement. He put his deposit down (borrowed from his mum) as I didn't have that kind of money. But he insisted that I will write a prenup saying that the deposit will be repaid to him. Any other payments will be spit equally between us. So if the payments comes of from his account then does it mean I won't get half?
Hmmm this mortgage set up is a bit of a loophole for him.

A) you will have to repay him the deposit from your share of the profits/equity (I'm beginning to wonder if he's not marrying you because his parents want to protect their investment....).
B) because he is paying all the mortgage payments, he could have a case that you have not contributed to the deposit or mortgage so will get nothing. You definitely need legal advice on this.
C) if your house sells for a loss or at same price, you won't get anything

However, pre nups aren't always legally binding in this country and can be challenged.

It worries me that he was clever enough to get you to sign a pre nup protecting his deposit, yet is making you pay off his mortgage, and won't give you any other legal protection. Means he knows what he's doing and I wonder how much input his parents have in this decision to not marry?

The fact he insists you have to pay for nursery if you go back to full time work means he's making it impossible for you to ever return to work properly.

What else did you agree to in that pre nup?

inheritancetrack · 21/01/2022 10:12

There has to be a solid reason behind all these delaying tactics.
He is not fully committed to you?He wants to retain financial independence? He has someone else?

Would he accept a civil ceremony and then have the bigger wedding late he wants? Gives you financial security.
This is unfair as you have 50% of say in this.

inheritancetrack · 21/01/2022 10:15

Write wills at a minimum. Are you his next of kin in law or would that actually be his mother?

TheChemicalMother · 21/01/2022 10:15

OP, the more recent things you have said are showing that he is not being a good partner in your family.

He needs to understand that you are paying for childcare with your lost salary (by working p/t) AND by paying the other nursery fees and he is paying NOTHING towards the childcare that earns him a full salary, and a full pension on which you have no claim.

The fact that he made you sign an agreement that his deposit money would be returned to him shows that he IS thinking about protecting HIS interests, not your joint interests.

Maybe bide your time. It’s good that you are keeping your licence and increasing your qualifications: well done!

Take advantage of the fact that his family do free childcare and that he is at least paying some bills,

But I would secretly build a savings fund of your own. And not trust him an inch.

todaysdilemma · 21/01/2022 10:15

Also the not setting up a will is deliberate.

His parents will have a claim on the property now since you're not in a will or a legal next of kin. It's beginning to feel like this was all planned.

Get legal advice!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/01/2022 10:16

"What about the pension and life insurance? Am I covered? I only get some from my part time work. He increased his pension in his full time job I know".

I doubt it very much re his pension and life insurance unless he has named you as a beneficiary on those documents.

The more I read about your life with him, the more I am concerned for your financial as well as emotional wellbeing. You are so very vulnerable financially and have really no rights in law; he knows that too. He could also throw you out at any time and you would have no real legal recourse.

Original poster
Spinstermum · 21/01/2022 10:20

In a contract says his deposit goes back to him in full. The rest if the income that says mortgage payments are going back to us 50/50 split if there's any left after the procedure cost of selling house. I'm sorry about the future. Worry if I will be financially secure when I retire or I'm old. Mortgage payments are small so he doesn't pay a lot as the deposit was big . Bills are not so huge either. So whatever he's got left his buying stuff for himself . He has a hobby.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/01/2022 10:20

A minute of agreement is a document drawn up between two or more parties in the presence of their solicitors, without the need for formal court action. In its usual format, it will contain numbered paragraphs that record formal but legally binding provisions by which each party has agreed to be bound. These types of agreement are usually Scottish based so are you currently residing in Scotland?

Its not a mortgage document.

RandomMess · 21/01/2022 10:22

He is completely screwing you over financially it seems.

He has money for hobbies but he won't support you working full time. Financial abuse pure and simple.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/01/2022 10:23

I presume his hobby takes him out of the house quite a lot as well.

Original poster
Spinstermum · 21/01/2022 10:23

So what should I do? Take those documents and seek some attorney? Still don't know if he added me or children to insurance or pension ect. Still don't know if we are secure financially. What about the will when one of us dies? What's about surnames?

OP posts:
RantyAunty · 21/01/2022 10:25

Yes, definitely seek some attorney right away.
Do you have any family of your own near you?

Original poster
Spinstermum · 21/01/2022 10:27

No I don't have a family

OP posts:
todaysdilemma · 21/01/2022 10:29

@Spinstermum

In a contract says his deposit goes back to him in full. The rest if the income that says mortgage payments are going back to us 50/50 split if there's any left after the procedure cost of selling house. I'm sorry about the future. Worry if I will be financially secure when I retire or I'm old. Mortgage payments are small so he doesn't pay a lot as the deposit was big . Bills are not so huge either. So whatever he's got left his buying stuff for himself . He has a hobby.
You're not financially secure now.

I feel he is not marrying you as his parents want to protect their investment from you. If the deposit they paid was large then they have everything to lose if you get divorced and take half. Or if he dies they don't want the house to come to you. Him getting drunk and proposing was likely genuine but I think if his parents have contributed so much to your house and child care, they likely have a say in marriage to you.

Outside of a solicitor or women's aid, not much else you can do atm. I'm really sorry - bide your time for now and get to a position where you can go back to full time work. Stop paying mortgage payments to him until he gets a will made. Don't have another child with him and don't let your qualifications expire.

todaysdilemma · 21/01/2022 10:31

@Spinstermum

So what should I do? Take those documents and seek some attorney? Still don't know if he added me or children to insurance or pension ect. Still don't know if we are secure financially. What about the will when one of us dies? What's about surnames?
If one of you dies, his parents get the house. Unless you have a will made naming you next of kin. His parents will also be beneficiaries on insurance and pension (along with the children) unless he has specifically named you. But since you're not his legal next of kin, I doubt he has done this.
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 21/01/2022 10:32

Lots of women refuse to ttc until they are married which I do think is a sensible move, financially.

Some men seem to think marriage is a bugger commitment than having kids which is quite telling on what they think of parenthood

Not all. Some.

litterbird · 21/01/2022 10:32

I am glad you are now seeing how vulnerable you are. Get and see a solicitor as soon as possible. It’s becoming clear he has known exactly what he is doing and how he is manipulating you. Time to toughen up Op and find your strength.

Rainbowqueeen · 21/01/2022 10:33

You’re not entitled to any of his pension.

The life insurance will depend on who he has nominated as beneficiary.

I’m sorry you are in this situation OP. But now your eyes have been opened please focus on your financial position. And focus less on doing things for him. Best wishes

3luckystars · 21/01/2022 10:34

Is it his parents looking after your children?

Nothing to do with the house situation, but what is the hobby?

MondayYogurt · 21/01/2022 10:36

@AttilaTheMeerkat

I presume his hobby takes him out of the house quite a lot as well.
They always have a spendy hobby.
user1471538283 · 21/01/2022 10:49

I feel very nervous for you. He could wake up tomorrow and decide you have to leave. If the mortgage is small you are already paying out too much compared to him. You are not his next of kin so any life decisions will be for his parents to make.

I would go to work full time and try to build up some savings.

RandomMess · 21/01/2022 11:09

TBH I would end the relationship unless he suddenly agreed to get married and booked registry office to a marriage within a few months.

The soon you leave the sooner you get to sort out your financial affairs.

AlDanvers · 21/01/2022 11:12

Worry if I will be financially secure when I retire or I'm old.

With or without marriage you should be ensuring you are financially secure and planning for your retirement. Even if you get married, you can't rely on him securing your retirement for you.

BertiesShoes · 21/01/2022 11:19

If one of you dies, his parents get the house. Unless you have a will made naming you next of kin. His parents will also be beneficiaries on insurance and pension (along with the children) unless he has specifically named you.

Given that he has children, surely they will inherit, unless he specifically has a Will naming his parents? Why would his parents inherit anything when he has children? I am not legal but his children would inherit everything, surely.

So his portion of house would go to children, Ops portion would be hers.

His parents might want their money back, but unless they have anything legal to show they are owed a % of house, they wouldn’t have a right to anything in law. Not sure how Pre nup would be treated if he died? Does it die with him? But even so, it applies to him getting the deposit money, not his parents!

Similarly with pensions and insurance, even without him naming anyone, the trustees would consider paying out to his dependants eg children, first, not parents. Op may have a case for insurance as she is bringing up his children. His parents would be further down the pecking order.

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