Why he doesn't want to marry me?

[Spinstermum]

I'm trying to find a proper reasons why it's important for me to get married. He doesn't care about me reaching age of 40 feeling old . He still thinks it doesn't matter for him how old I'm as I'm still gonna look pretty in white dress. We started being friends when I was 27 years old. We have 2 kids together. We bought a house. Then our goal was to get married which never happened. At some point I wanted to go to register office and do it. He didn't want it. He wants to have a proper wedding with a music dance ect. So why it's taking him so long? He wants to propose. I really don't care any more as I've waited for such a long time I only want to be his wife and to feel complete. When I was pregnant I asked him why dont we make plans now. He said it's covid out there. It's gonna be very difficult to organise the wedding. Now he told me he wants to propose but needs to find the right moment. Ok so all those family trip, birthdays, Christmas,new year are not enough to find a perfect moment? I got feeling he is stringing me along . My thoughts are that he doesn't want to get married and all of that its just a lie. If I would know that sooner I'd never start relationship with somebody who doesn't want to get married in the end. I don't even have the same surname as my kids which is awful feeling but he doesn't care in his opinion this is not strong argument to get married. What else I can do/ say?

You said that he wanted to go for 2 months without there being an argument. Was that another criteria that had to be met before he’d propose? If it was, how long was it before there was an argument? How did the argument start? I take it you didn’t make it to the 8 week mark.

PLEASE CHECK THE LAND REGISTRY TO MAKE SURE YOUR NAME IS ON YOUR TITLE DEEDS Land Regisrty

It doesn’t matter what sort of Agreement you signed (think you mentioned something about a Deed of Trust to protect his deposit) if your name isn’t on the title deed then you don’t own half of the house.

But you didn't protect yourself @Spinstermum. The legal risks/rights have not changed?

I did protect myself based on your advise

What have you done to protect yourself?

@VodselForDinner

I did protect myself based on your advise

What have you done to protect yourself?

I'm not going to repeat myself I already told you how I did protect myself. Can anybody talk about something different that that?

Like what? Just go enjoy your life.

I don't think that all the non married couples asking their boyfriends of the proof of all documents.

Yes they do! Everyone asks to see documents that relate to their own financial security!
I still don't believe you have seen the following documents. I think you should see them with your own eyes as soon as possible. I think they are in order of importance.:-

1. The deeds to your house with the Land Registry showing your personal name on the deeds
2. A mortgage agreement showing you both on it (not a prenup or a minute of whatever -@, actual valid mortgage agreement).
3. A valid life insurance or pension document for him naming you as the beneficiary.
4. His recent will naming you as the beneficiary.
5. Ensure your child benefit goes into your named account not a joint one. I think you may have this in place which is great.

The other things - house insurance you mentioned, I think you mean contents insurance, that doesn't matter. Your own state pension - well, you'll get it, but your NI contributions will be a bit reduced. White goods and splitting things 50/50 and common-law wife - this doesn't really exist.

Deed of Trust about giving back deposit- if your name is on deeds/mortgage agreement this may affect you, get legal advice.

If you have not done all this then I'm sorry but you haven't protected yourself,a conversation with him doesn't count.

@EthicalNonMahogany

I don't think that all the non married couples asking their boyfriends of the proof of all documents.

Yes they do! Everyone asks to see documents that relate to their own financial security!
I still don't believe you have seen the following documents. I think you should see them with your own eyes as soon as possible. I think they are in order of importance.:-

1. The deeds to your house with the Land Registry showing your personal name on the deeds
2. A mortgage agreement showing you both on it (not a prenup or a minute of whatever -@, actual valid mortgage agreement).
3. A valid life insurance or pension document for him naming you as the beneficiary.
4. His recent will naming you as the beneficiary.
5. Ensure your child benefit goes into your named account not a joint one. I think you may have this in place which is great.

The other things - house insurance you mentioned, I think you mean contents insurance, that doesn't matter. Your own state pension - well, you'll get it, but your NI contributions will be a bit reduced. White goods and splitting things 50/50 and common-law wife - this doesn't really exist.

Deed of Trust about giving back deposit- if your name is on deeds/mortgage agreement this may affect you, get legal advice.

If you have not done all this then I'm sorry but you haven't protected yourself,a conversation with him doesn't count.

The prenup was signed for his deposit for the house. I have looked at all the documents re mortgage agreement and I'm on every single one my name is on it.. We still need to write a will. Both of us. I can ask him for insurance documents saying I'm as a beneficiary. I can see it. Then there's always a chance that he can change it without telling me so what's the point? I don't know if the mortgage payments are coming from his account is that's gonna afect me. Asked him for joint account for the payments. He said no point as this should be ok.

He sees you upset. And he's got the exact plan to fix that, right? So why isn't he doing the one thing that would make you happy, that would solve all the arguments in the house, the thing that he's already said he would do, is planning to do and wants to do...yet, here you are, in tears every few weeks.

I think you think that him proposing will demonstrate his love for you, his commitment to you, but it's clear he has no love for you - how can he when all he has to do is do the thing he keeps saying he will do, but won't.

Seriously is this a troll post? Op replies like she's 12 and is very vague with her replies.

I'm not going to repeat myself I already told you how I did protect myself

Do you mean that you asked him if he'd sorted everything officially to protect you, he said yes and you didn't ask to see the paperwork?

Because that's not protecting yourself. That's just trusting someone untrustworthy.

You clearly aren't going to change anything or ask him outright to see proof, so you'll have to accept that if he leaves you at any point or passes away then you're likely to be financially fucked.

And end up in one of those homes you say is beneath you anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️

Then there's always a chance that he can change it without telling me so what's the point?

Omg. I explained this as I'm sure did others.

The point is that you would then know if he is currently bullshitting you and lying to your face so then you can make an informed decision about what to do next.

Do you honestly think that's pointless? A way of definitively, 100% knowing whether or not your partner is lying about you being safeguarded, lying to your face about something he knows is worrying you, is pointless?!

Have you seen the deeds? the DEEDS

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Then there's always a chance that he can change it without telling me so what's the point?

Omg. I explained this as I'm sure did others.

The point is that you would then know if he is currently bullshitting you and lying to your face so then you can make an informed decision about what to do next.

Do you honestly think that's pointless? A way of definitively, 100% knowing whether or not your partner is lying about you being safeguarded, lying to your face about something he knows is worrying you, is pointless?!

No it's not important for me to just know for that reason you mentioned it. It's pointless if he can change it an hour later.
So he might show me my name on it so I can be happy then go and change it lol

So you lose either way. Which you seem resigned to.

OP why are you so accepting that he may want to change it? Surely he would only do that as he doesn't want to protect you!?

It's of the utmost importance that you see the deeds of the house. You seem reluctant to take this step and I understand that you might be unprepared for a nasty shock but this is probably the biggest outgoing that most people will ever make in their life and it's important that you have this safety net to be there for you and your children.
It will be a big step for you to check this but you should your name not be included this will give him a chance to include you. If you are already included, then no worries on this important point
Quite honestly I would have though he would have shown you the deeds already just to put you mind at rest but as he hasn't, this along with the other things he's dragging his feet on, should force you to find out exactly where you stand..
Don't rely on his good nature. My husband after 46 years of marriage went off with the cleaner- 27 years his junior. Please protect yourself and your children and find out where you stand, especially on the deeds of the house.

So he might show me my name on it so I can be happy then go and change it lol

But, if he showed it to you *now’, you’d know whether he has been lying to you (if your name isn’t already on it) or not. Which would indicate whether or not you could trust him going forwards.

I’m not sure what part of that is unclear. Or what is funny about it. ‘Lol’, indeed.

I don’t know why I keep reading this depressing thread. We need some kind of public information campaign judging by the regularity with which the subject crops up on here… it’s totally fine not to marry if that’s your choice, but so many women seem to sleepwalk into having children with men who don’t love and respect them, and then get a nasty shock when they realise what a precarious position they’ve ended up in.

We bought the house together. We both went together to the bank to sign all the documents together. Also we went to the company we got a house from and togerher we signed all the documents. So why are u saying I might not be on deeds? The deeds has a bank by the way. I'm sure 100%I signed everything and we've done it all together.

@piglet81

I don’t know why I keep reading this depressing thread. We need some kind of public information campaign judging by the regularity with which the subject crops up on here… it’s totally fine not to marry if that’s your choice, but so many women seem to sleepwalk into having children with men who don’t love and respect them, and then get a nasty shock when they realise what a precarious position they’ve ended up in.

I know. I've said this before on other threads (and been shot down for it) but this ought to be a core part of the school curriculum. Marriage is not about love or hearts and flowers and white dresses and table plans. It's insurance for you and your children.

This should be carved in stone tablets somewhere on a mountain.

There is literally a "why won't he marry me?" thread on here every day and its unbelievably depressing.

Sorry to you OP because I know its a bit late for you but its so bloody frustrating to watch people sleepwalking into this again and again.

Ok I will ask him for those documents from work to see if he put me as his beneficiary. Then what? Is that's gonna to solve my problems? What's about marriage being wife what's about having the same surname as my children? Should I go dbl barrel or dedpool ? Yes i will be protected financially. Then what? I'll be devastated emotionally. Should I cheat? How i can be happy?

No it's not important for me to just know for that reason you mentioned it. It's pointless if he can change it an hour later. So he might show me my name on it so I can be happy then go and change it lol

I'm out then, there's no helping you as you aren't willing to take responsibility for your future or accountability for poor decision making that is leaving you knowingly vulnerable.

If he fucks off and leaves you at some point, and only has to pay CMS to you then the kids will suffer too. He on the other hand will have his original deposit amount, property equity, 90% of his salary which he's been able to maintain or increase due to you providing childcare, his full pension and whatever secret savings he probably has too.

But you're confident we're all mean and negative (despite people trying to help you even when you've repeatedly been pretty rude) so keep lolling away I guess, it just doesn't seem like a very funny topic to me 🤷🏻‍♀️

He doesn't have anything valuable at this moment he can share with us. I said I'm going to increase my work pension so I can have the same as his. His oryginal deposit amount is his as I signed a prenup. So I protected myself. What kind of protection do u want me have? What else? The will- we are going to do together . I'm going to ask him for beneficiary.

I don't "want" you to do anything, it's your life OP and you've repeatedly got cross with people suggesting ways to protect yourself when you are clearly happy you're protected adequately enough that you haven't wanted to simply ask to see paperwork to prove that protection.

You now say you'll do wills together but he could just change that too so not sure why you're keen on doing that but rudely dismissed people's explanations of why you should do that with all the other paperwork too.

So crack on I guess 🤷🏻‍♀️

It's a shame that if it goes tits up that will affect your kids too but you're an adult and have to make your own decisions.

His oryginal deposit amount is his as I signed a prenup. So I protected myself.

Whatever you signed regarding the deposit protected his money not you. How did it protect you?!

And if it only involved then deposit then it's unlikely it was a prenup, it was simply a legal agreement regarding ring fencing his deposit specifically.

Surely you know what you signed? Did it mention any other financial agreements or only the deposit?