Why he doesn't want to marry me?

[Spinstermum]

I'm trying to find a proper reasons why it's important for me to get married. He doesn't care about me reaching age of 40 feeling old . He still thinks it doesn't matter for him how old I'm as I'm still gonna look pretty in white dress. We started being friends when I was 27 years old. We have 2 kids together. We bought a house. Then our goal was to get married which never happened. At some point I wanted to go to register office and do it. He didn't want it. He wants to have a proper wedding with a music dance ect. So why it's taking him so long? He wants to propose. I really don't care any more as I've waited for such a long time I only want to be his wife and to feel complete. When I was pregnant I asked him why dont we make plans now. He said it's covid out there. It's gonna be very difficult to organise the wedding. Now he told me he wants to propose but needs to find the right moment. Ok so all those family trip, birthdays, Christmas,new year are not enough to find a perfect moment? I got feeling he is stringing me along . My thoughts are that he doesn't want to get married and all of that its just a lie. If I would know that sooner I'd never start relationship with somebody who doesn't want to get married in the end. I don't even have the same surname as my kids which is awful feeling but he doesn't care in his opinion this is not strong argument to get married. What else I can do/ say?

Do you have a link to that information OP? As far as I am aware that's not the case. That's why people take the option of marriage or civil partnership.

Are you on the deeds of the house or not OP?

@Spinstermum

I know that common in law wife doesn't exist but by law after ? years if you live together as married and buy things then you are entitled to half. It says on one of the internet web of solicitor.

I don't believe this is true in the UK, as far as I'm aware. You would need a signed, witnessed, legally sound cohabitation agreement otherwise there is no automatic or default sharing of physical assets (or money) no matter how long you live together.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

We don't argue. We only argue about marriage thing.

Both these things cannot be true, they are mutually exclusive.

And it's not like it's one topic. The 'marriage thing' you're arguing about is actually you arguing about loyalty, false promises, lost trust, lack of care for your future, lack of financial equality...

It's like someone saying 'we only argue about the cheating thing'. Some 'things' involve loads of different issues. The 'marriage thing' is one of them.

What's the point of showing me all his documents where he can change it afterwords if he wants without telling me (based what you told me).

Because then you'd have black and white proof of whether or not he is currently telling you the truth. At least then you'd be able to read just how much he is bullshitting you or being honest right now. It's irrelevant that he could change it in the future, it's about having proof of whether his words and actions match up now so you can make an informed decision about what to do.

If he refuses to produce them or he shows you them and you aren't named then you know for a fact he has lied to your face repeatedly and hasn't protected you.

You really don't think that's a worthwhile exercise?!

Thoughts on this OP? Surely you can see why it's important to ask to see the documents he's claiming protect you?

Thoughts on that .. I won't ask him as it's going to make things 10000 times worse his going to hate me we going to argue as hell. We going to break up like tomorrow. There will be no trust.

And seek legal advice from a local firm of solicitors rather than relying on the internet for legal matters.

This relationship is already broken in all but name and it cannot be repaired.

There is no trust! He's lied to you repeatedly. You shouldn't trust him.

@Spinstermum

Thoughts on that .. I won't ask him as it's going to make things 10000 times worse his going to hate me we going to argue as hell. We going to break up like tomorrow. There will be no trust.

That's your answer then really OP.

Either spend the rest of your life with a man you (quite rightly) don't trust who has done nothing to prove he is committed to a fair future that wouldn't leave you with nothing in the event of a split or his death, despite you being the primary carer for his children, in the hope that one day he might propose (and then imagine how long it will be until you actually had the wedding - another decade probably as he'd say ' you got what you wanted, I asked, stop pressuring me' etc)...

Or leave him so you don't do the above which would be an absolute tragedy especially bearing in mind you do have a decently paid career to go back to and could build a perfectly comfortable life after a couple of years that yes would be tough.

Your move I guess.

And so what if he hates you? You need to find your anger. How dare he treat you and your children like this?! You trusted his word and he has lied to you and led you on.

A proposal might happen as another delay tactic then no actual marriage again for another 10 years... This happened to one of my friends. She was desperate for a marriage so pressured her bf to propose then she had to wait 8 years miserably waiting on the actual wedding which didn't happen.

In the end the bf confessed that he only proposed to buy him more time and he was never that keen to marry. They broke up after being together 16 years.

That same bf who couldn't commit to his gf, mother of his 2 kids met another woman after 3 month of their separation then married her within 6 months. This broke my friend.

So many tales like this OP. Protect yourself and kids.

This is so strange.

So, your relationship hit the skids after your first kid, so you decided to have another kid?

And your partner would hate you if you, perfectly reasonably, asked to see the documents safeguarding your future - so you’ve decided that the best course of action is to keep schtum and hope for the best?

I’m not even going to delve into the bizarre rants about single mums, council housing and poorly behaved kids. As therein lies the way to madness.

You’re not actually listening to what’s being said to you, so what is it that you hope to gain from this thread? Why are you here?

@Spinstermum

I know that common in law wife doesn't exist but by law after ? years if you live together as married and buy things then you are entitled to half. It says on one of the internet web of solicitor.

Can you share the link?

You sound very foolish both emotionally and in matters about your financial and legal status.

You've been given masses of good advice but reply as if you were 12.

In fact, you sound so daft, I'm starting to think this may be a wind up and I hope it is.

If not, you're not going to change-take any advice offered- so you've made your bed, lie in it. You're with a man who thinks and behaves as if you're an idiot and maybe he's right.

@TameDucksAtChatsworth

You sound very foolish both emotionally and in matters about your financial and legal status.

You've been given masses of good advice but reply as if you were 12.

In fact, you sound so daft, I'm starting to think this may be a wind up and I hope it is.

If not, you're not going to change-take any advice offered- so you've made your bed, lie in it. You're with a man who thinks and behaves as if you're an idiot and maybe he's right.

Disagree. I can't make a life decisions based on the internet forum. I can only maybe take some of the advise which I did. You are all SO negative about it all . So negative. I did protect myself based on your advise. Not fully as I can't take his word for sure based on your opinion. But that's enough for me. I will be protected enough.

So now you don't want to be married.

And still haven't provided the link that sys you get some white goods as common law spouse?

@Spinstermum

I know that common in law wife doesn't exist but by law after ? years if you live together as married and buy things then you are entitled to half. It says on one of the internet web of solicitor.

I’m pretty sure this is not true in the UK

www.familylives.org.uk/advice/your-family/relationship-advice/common-law-marriage/

Are you in Scotland? , as I think this law there is different from England and Wales and you may have some legal protection

You are not protected. You are very vulnerable. Saying that doesn’t make me negative. You know it yourself that’s why you started this thread. Good luck.

Rights for cohabitation In Scotland
www.lindsays.co.uk/news-and-insights/insights/the-rights-of-scottish-cohabitees

@AlDanvers

So now you don't want to be married.

And still haven't provided the link that sys you get some white goods as common law spouse?

I assume that is just a statement that if you and anyone buy say a tv together then it belongs to both of you (unless one clearly says it's a gift for the other) But that applies whether it's your boyfriend you live with, or your uni flatmate or you and your neighbours for say a communal garden.

Not saying that the one rest of "being a common law spouse" has any legal weighting as as far as I know it has zero -apart from for benefit purposes, your live in partners income is considered.

I hope other posters take heed from this.
Always give your children your name.
Never forsake your career to benefit a man you are not married to.
And finally as cruel as it is the saying Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Is apt here.

Time is the best fortune teller, OP.

So, wait about until time has passed and then you will know what most of us know-you will be on your arse, on the street and he will be married to someone he respects.

Mind you, you'll have half a fridge to give you cold comfort!

What an odd thread, I don't think the OP is UK based.

So his 'reason' for not proposing to you is because you keep mentioning it and he wants it to be a surprise? (Have you noticed how he manages to blame you for not being married yet, when all the power seems to be in his hands?)

So, if that's his only reason for not proposing, it follows that if you stop mentioning it he will propose quite quickly.

If you are determiend to wait around longer for him, then I suggest giving yourself a date in your head (say 6 months). If he hasn't proposed by then, you will know that he isn't going to. He will have run out of excuses. He can't say it was because you keep mentioning it (You can say - ah but I haven't mentioned it since 29th Janaury. You've had 6 months. You're clearly full of rubbish).

And then leave, to be happily single, and free to meet a man who would love to commit to you, and is honest and doesn't string you along.